Woodward, the stand up comedian

sunama

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There has been a lot of doom and gloom of late and as such I thought I would post a thread with a comedy slant to it.

BBC posted an article about Ed Woodward and how footballing decisions are being made by non footballing men.

The quotes by Woodward are laughable, but what is really funny are some of the comment made by posters on the BBC Website.

So, lets start off with the the article
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/50091841

Woodward, speaking at the club's annual all-staff meeting, says some of the allegations that have been made in recent times are wrong.

"There is a myth that we have non-football people making football decisions," he said. "I think that is insulting to the brilliant people who work on the football side in this club."

He added: "We've expanded our recruitment department in recent years and we believe this now runs in an efficient and productive way.

"Player recommendations and decisions are worked on by this department and by the first-team manager and his staff, not by senior management."

Woodward backs under-fire Solskjaer
Woodward has come under fire recently, while the club's owners, the Glazer family, were the subject of supporter discontent during the dismal 1-0 defeat at Newcastle on 6 October.

However, it is being stressed funds will be available should potential signings emerge in January, which is seen as a key month by some in making sure a disappointing season doesn't career out of control.

Club sources are aware the current situation is far below expectations.

This is United's worst start to a league campaign in 30 years, with three wins from 11 games in all competitions and no more than one goal in any game since the 4-0 victory over Chelsea on the opening day of the campaign.

Yet any mid-season recruitment will be done with a long-term view. Signing older players for the sake of it is being ruled out.

United's three summer signings - Harry Maguire, Aaron Wan-Bissaka and Daniel James - have all made a positive impact.

"The changes we saw over the summer have resulted in a very young squad," said Woodward.

"But it's also a squad, with the players and the culture, that provides a base camp for us to build and grow from as we start our new journey."

Solskjaer has power of veto over any signing and faced with the prospect of either operating with a slimmed down squad or signing players below the level he wanted this summer, went for the former option.

Senior United figures accepted this even though everyone, from the manager down, knew it brought inherent risk, especially if injuries struck in the way they have.

Now, Solskjaer is under pressure to turn the present situation around.

Well-placed sources are adamant the 46-year-old retains the support of Woodward and the Glazer family.

Woodward said last month the club needed to be patient and it is understood that even a heavy defeat at home to Liverpool on Sunday would not change the situation .

"The middle section of last season, after Ole's arrival, feels most relevant to what we want to achieve and where we want to be," said Woodward.

"We saw a team playing fast, fluid football, with a clear representation of the style and philosophy the manager wants.

"Ole has also instilled the discipline back into an environment where we may have lacked it in recent years. He is building a squad that respects the club's history, in which players work hard and respect their team-mates. No-one is bigger than the club."
And here are some of the comments:

Suarez: " I want to leave "
Coutinho: " I want to leave "
LFC: " Cheerio! "
De Gea: " I want to leave "
Pogba: " I want to leave "
Man Utd: " PLEASE DON'T GO! HERE'S £350, A WEEK!!! "
Great club ,
"We've expanded our recruitment department in recent years and we believe this now runs in an efficient and productive way"

-Maguire. In 2018, would have cost £70m. 12 months later signed for £80m
-Lukaku. Cost £75m. Sold to Inter for £58m (plus add ons)
-Sanchez. Paid £26m p/a in wages. Currently being paid £13m by Man Utd to play for Inter.
-Fred. £53m. Marketing ploy.

The Man Utd is deluded.
Whoever runs it let him carry on. Give him a bonus and even a pat on the back. What an amazing job he does. May I suggest to give Ole another 5 yrs on his contract and then , only if necessary , have him replaced by Gary Neville. Keep the red flag of circus flying high. Joy to watch.
I think this man is referring to our DoF, Mr Woodward, who vetoed Mourinho's player choices. In other words, non-footballing men are making footballing decisions.

And my favourite:
It's more embarrassing to suggest a football person has made these decisions
 

11101

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Whilst i dont have any comment on most of that, i think that Suarez & Coutinho quote went a little more like this:

Suarez: " I want to leave "
Coutinho: " I want to leave "
LFC: "Please don't, we can't afford to lose you"
Both: "Tough, see ya!"
 

Bulldog United

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Of the criticisms in the comments to that article:
  • Maguire was a bad one because not only did we end up paying more, waiting 12 months led to Jose losing the plot completely with rage about not signing him when he was still boss.
  • Sanchez pretty much everyone thought it was a fantastic piece of business at the time. It hasn't worked out, that's football. Expensive mistakes happen.
  • Fred was very highly rated and plenty of people were bricking it when they thought City was going to steal him from under our noses. This one looks certain to go down as a very expensive mistake, but again it happens in football.
  • Lukaku was another deal that made a lot of sense at the time, and there were credible reasons to believe it was good business given his track record and PL experience. The choice seemed to be between him and Morata at the time. Lukaku did better for us than Morata did for Chelsea that's for sure. I don't think this was a disastrous deal, and the deal with Inter was a decent exit for us.
Our signings this summer all look very decent. Undoubtedly we have more planned in the next few transfer windows. We're investing in some very exciting youth prospects, and are being linked with several other young prospects across Europe. I feel good about all this.

While I doubt Ole will be with us for the long haul, I actually feel pretty okay about the platform we appear to be laying at last for the future. I think we've learned from some of the expensive mistakes previously, and now accept we're going to have take some short term pain to correct it over a period of time.

People making fun of us should enjoy it while they can.
 

Impulse

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How was Fred a marketing ploy? He wasn't even a big name.
 

marktan

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"Ole has also instilled the discipline back into an environment where we may have lacked it in recent years. He is building a squad that respects the club's history, in which players work hard and respect their team-mates. No-one is bigger than the club."

Ah, everything that's non quantifiable is great, shame about the results and the rubbish football though..

The man's a joke. 2018 was his annus mirabilis - gave Jose a new 5 year, £20m contract, then refused to back the man in the summer. We wanted Perisic, Maguire, William, got none, presumably because Woodward thought they were all either too old or too expensive. And the cheek of the man to say he's not involved in footballing decisions.. yeah right, being too old is synonymous with having lesser resale value, so economics and footballing tie into one another.

Instead we signed Fred for £50m who no one wanted, Dalot who should be playing in a lower continental league for experience, and then proceeded to sack Jose in the same year to the tune of £20m. Forgive me if I find it hard to believe the words of a man whose sole goal was to saddle United with debt via his previous job at JP Morgan, and now to etch out as much money as he can from the club (to the tune of $1b including interest payments etc). His tenure since SAF left has gotten consistently worse and worse and will only get better once he takes a back seat and some competent people are brought in above the manager.

I'll leave with this - the very fact that he's qualifying our summer signings as the right kind, shows he has input into the signings we make. It shouldn't be his business.
 
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Rhyme Animal

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It really has gotten to the point where you look at EVERY decision that's occurred under Woodward's reign, and it does actually become literally comical...

The guy is simply a joke in this role.

Any other big club and he would've been hounded out in 2 or 3 seasons - no doubt about it.
 

Sterling Archer

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It's more embarrassing to suggest a football person has made these decisions
That resonates with me as well. For some reason, we have quite a few people eating it up.
 

Scotty McT

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I make attempts not to read the moronic comments from fans of other clubs that tell me what I already know but with added sarcasm.
 

Ed9

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I've been raging at him as much as the next guy but like it or not here he speaks sense.
The question is if he means it or if someone wrote it for him to shut the fans up.
 

Scotty McT

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I've been raging at him as much as the next guy but like it or not here he speaks sense.
The question is if he means it or if someone wrote it for him to shut the fans up.
How, Ed9, is Ed speaking sense here when he refers to the recruitment people as brilliant? He has no football expertise, we've slid down the table, and pretty much everyone - from fans, to pundits, to people who've managed us - regard the squad as crap.

How is he qualified to call them brilliant? Do you think they're brilliant?
 

Russky14

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How, Ed9, is Ed speaking sense here when he refers to the recruitment people as brilliant? He has no football expertise, we've slid down the table, and pretty much everyone - from fans, to pundits, to people who've managed us - regard the squad as crap.

How is he qualified to call them brilliant? Do you think they're brilliant?
Its the term "recruitment people". They must report into the HR Director then I assume. Says it all really. 100% complete corporate tosspot. He has no clue & the only reason he is still there is because he is the Glazers puppet. He needs a public dressing down like an extremely large banner at a home game and start to ramp up the anti.
 
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Mr. Meeseeks

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I think this man is referring to our DoF, Mr Woodward, who vetoed Mourinho's player choices. In other words, non-footballing men are making footballing decisions.
Didnt Mourinho say that he never wanted Fred but accepted the transfer because he knew that Woodward wouldn't sign anyone else? It is bizarre to suggest that our non football executives havent been making decisions about signings. The fact that he would lie about it rather than own his mistakes is just slimy. Very dislikable man.
 

AneRu

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It really has gotten to the point where you look at EVERY decision that's occurred under Woodward's reign, and it does actually become literally comical...

The guy is simply a joke in this role.

Any other big club and he would've been hounded out in 2 or 3 seasons - no doubt about it.
The owners seem to be satisfied with him and it's now up to the fan base to ratchet up the pressure and hound him out. I think Woodward Out protests at his Mayfair Offices, banners targetting him, stadium walkouts etc.

The Glazers depend on sponsor who come in because of the fans so we have to apply pressure to at least get concessions that will result in competent people being brought in. If we don't act, even in symbolic ways, the club is going down and we will spend another generation in the wilderness.
 

croadyman

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This guy is a complete joker and his comments about brilliant football decisions being made above him just left me speechless.

If you and the board are behind Ole so much then why didn't you give him the money to buy replacements we so badly needed.
 

red thru&thru

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This guy is a complete joker and his comments about brilliant football decisions being made above him just left me speechless.

If you and the board are behind Ole so much then why didn't you give him the money to buy replacements we so badly needed.
And the guy has made us into a laughing stock. Need to get the guy out.
 

Sterling Archer

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Watch this space!

What maniac actually speaks like that? A joker, that's who. If I said something like that in a professional setting let alone as a CEO, there would be a lot of eyebrows raised. The guy is enamored by the game and power.
 

fallengt

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Jose threw a tantrum in first game of the season by playing Herrera as CB because brilliant football men at the club refused to pay up for Harry Macguire.
A year later, these people paid up exact amount that Leicester wanted after wasting another 2 months of business.

Who's Woodward trying to fool here?
 

NinjaZombie

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Jose threw a tantrum in first game of the season by playing Herrera as CB because brilliant football men at the club refused to pay up for Harry Macguire.
A year later, these people paid up exact amount that Leicester wanted after wasting another 2 months of business.

Who's Woodward trying to fool here?
Still loads more people to fool for Ed. We're a global brand with a global fanbase, remember. :lol:
 

SaintMuppet

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Woodward is doing and saying exactly what his employers want him to.

You guys are after the wrong person again and again. It’s the Glazers you should be hounding. Ed is simply their puppet working to a brief.
 

Sky1981

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People believe what they want to believe.

I dont believe ed is scouting and making a decision on who we purchase, which player is a deadwood and needs to be sold.

The only influence i can imagine him doing is probably advice the manager to keep pogba for marketing purposes.

He's being targeted and made as scapegoat for everything that's wrong under ole.
 

Woodzy

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Nothing but an attempt to put himself and the board in a better light.

Ole will be sacked by Christmas, more likely in then next 2-3 weeks.

Our most heavily rumoured signing in January currently is Mandzukic... certainly not an older, short term player.

Our recruitment in the last couple of years has been awful, which left the previous manager in he lurch and not done the current one any favours.

Honestly, everything he has spouted there is bullshit.
 

tenpoless

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Woodward should be participating in James Randi One Million Dollar Challenge because the way He managed to feck up the club over and over (and somehow got away with it) must be a psychic power.

Easy 1 million Ed, do it.
 

red thru&thru

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Both Ed and Glazer's need to go. Ed is the face of the club, as he's been out in charge, so he will directly take a lot of the criticism. But you know the guys a joke when he comes out saying the criticism is an insult to the footballing people at the club. No Ed, what is insulting is what you have managed to do to the club.
 

Mainoldo

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Jose threw a tantrum in first game of the season by playing Herrera as CB because brilliant football men at the club refused to pay up for Harry Macguire.
A year later, these people paid up exact amount that Leicester wanted after wasting another 2 months of business.

Who's Woodward trying to fool here?
Or Leicester said he’s not for sale? It’s not odd for prices to go up if a player improves? If Madrid sign Salah for 100£m anyone going to moan they could have got him for £30m?
 

Mainoldo

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I’m more concerned he keeps insisting on this long term plan with Solskjaer. We aren’t going to be successful anytime soon.
 

fallengt

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I’m more concerned he keeps insisting on this long term plan with Solskjaer. We aren’t going to be successful anytime soon.
Why are you defending him? He said United wouldn't mind paying 100m for someone like Varane but not for players who wouldn't improve us( Implying those were Boateng, Macguire) this was directly from Woodward himself.

And Macguire was available (for less) last season. Pep often admitted he wanted Harry but couldn't afford the price.
 

Greck

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You had me till you unraveled your pro-Mourinho agenda. We want to talk about our future not some unemployed cnut in our past
 

Andersons Dietician

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Didnt Mourinho say that he never wanted Fred but accepted the transfer because he knew that Woodward wouldn't sign anyone else? It is bizarre to suggest that our non football executives havent been making decisions about signings. The fact that he would lie about it rather than own his mistakes is just slimy. Very dislikable man.
There was a story not long ago or an interview with a former United youth and he said something along the lines of McKenna used Fred as an example as one of the best players in Europe in a double pivot and if any team has sense they should be going for him.

fast forward a few months, McKenna is a first team coach then we sign Fred....
 

Seb burrow

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Listen let’s face it. Until we have a clear out this mess is going to continue.

Members of staff are getting exposed because they finally have to make key decisions at this club now since SAF left.

All of them are clearly inept at their job, and to defend/ make excuses for how things have transpired over the last 5/6 years shows how truly pathetic they are.

You should take responsibility and learn from your errors or admit you can’t do it and move on.
 

Fosu-Mens

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I’m more concerned he keeps insisting on this long term plan with Solskjaer. We aren’t going to be successful anytime soon.
Better keep OGS in charge so that we become so bad that the sponsors continue to jump ship/not renewing at the same rate, while praying to Jeff Beezos that Amazon does not go nuts in the bidding war for the EPL rights next summer. Then, maybe, the Glazers might sell up to get as much for the club as they can.
 

red thru&thru

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Listen let’s face it. Until we have a clear out this mess is going to continue.

Members of staff are getting exposed because they finally have to make key decisions at this club now since SAF left.

All of them are clearly inept at their job, and to defend/ make excuses for how things have transpired over the last 5/6 years shows how truly pathetic they are.

You should take responsibility and learn from your errors or admit you can’t do it and move on.
Yep, pretty much this. Ed has come to this stage. He should just admit he can't do the job he's been asked to do and bring in the best to help him and our club.
 

Shamana

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Woodward should be participating in James Randi One Million Dollar Challenge because the way He managed to feck up the club over and over (and somehow got away with it) must be a psychic power.

Easy 1 million Ed, do it.
900 million spent and look at our squad and our results. Has there ever been a team that spent as much and won so little?
 

Jaqen H'ghar

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People believe what they want to believe.

I dont believe ed is scouting and making a decision on who we purchase, which player is a deadwood and needs to be sold.

The only influence i can imagine him doing is probably advice the manager to keep pogba for marketing purposes.

He's being targeted and made as scapegoat for everything that's wrong under ole.
You're right about the bolded part. While Ole's shown nothing to suggest he's the answer to our problems, we were also shit before he took the reigns.

I think it's the other way around, successive managers have been made scapegoats for everything wrong under Woodward.
 

Mainoldo

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Better keep OGS in charge so that we become so bad that the sponsors continue to jump ship/not renewing at the same rate, while praying to Jeff Beezos that Amazon does not go nuts in the bidding war for the EPL rights next summer. Then, maybe, the Glazers might sell up to get as much for the club as they can.
I don’t see how I as a Manchester United fan benefits from this?
 

Mainoldo

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Why are you defending him? He said United wouldn't mind paying 100m for someone like Varane but not for players who wouldn't improve us( Implying those were Boateng, Macguire) this was directly from Woodward himself.

And Macguire was available (for less) last season. Pep often admitted he wanted Harry but couldn't afford the price.
Solskjaer wanted him he got him. What the problem.
 

Son

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Fans keep saying Ed needs to go. This is just never going to happen under the Glazers. He helped them buy the club! He’s one of the best things that ever happened to them.

He’s a moron and the best we can hope is that guy has his head in football text books or else we are well and truly up the creek for the foreseeable future. He’s not going to hand power to someone else I doubt or else we’d have hired a technical director already.