The beginner's guide to the transfer window

Brophs

The One and Only
Joined
Nov 28, 2006
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The transfer window can be a confusing time in a lot of ways and raises as many questions as it answers, like "Who is he? Is he any good? When's his contract up? Can he play centre midfield? Why would anyone want to sign Victor Anichebe?"

So I decided to make a little Caf guide to the window, which people can add to, so that we can cut through the bullshit and see what's really going on.

Twitter ITK: This is an oxymoron. Those that genuinely know don't run to Twitter to tell people, otherwise the next time a deal comes up, nobody will tell them.

Closing in on: As in "United close in on £37 Mata". This is an easy phrase to use because, ultimately, it means absolutely nothing. Any normal person reading it would assume that some substantial progress had been made and the parties had either agreed or weren't far from it. In fact, that story made it quite clear that not only were United not closing in on Mata, they hadn't even made a bid for him. They were considering* making a bid. That Chelsea will almost certainly reject.

*See 'Preparing a bid"

Preparing a bid: More meaningless bullshit designed to explain how their sure thing hasn't happened yet. Or it could be Woodward and Moyes arguing over who gets to be bad cop when they sit down with other clubs to discuss players.

Transfer warchest: I have no idea why they call it this. Because of the way transfer fees, wages, signing on fees and agents' fees will be taken from the same pot, it'll never be as simple as just plucking a figure of out of your arse and saying "That's what you have to spend this summer. Not a penny more or less". Like some sort of deranged version of The Price is Right.

Monitoring: As in "Club X are monitoring Player Y". A fancy way of saying they have a scouting network. Can also be interchanged with "On club X's radar".
 
Pretty much. Don't forget 'testing their resolve', as if the recipient manager has to try his absolute damnedest not to break and cave in to the big bad club and their cash.
 
Swap deal: a transfer involving the exchange of two or more players between each club involved, yet almost never happens. Journalists regularly report these deals as possible, but in reality the clubs never considered the deal.
 
Mad Winger said:
I'm confused. Are you saying Mata is a sure deal?!
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nailed on
he has been on our radar for a while and since Moyes got given such a big transfer warchest for this window he has prepared a bid and a certain ITK on twitter says we are closing in on finalising the deal... ITS ON

Just like thiago and fabregas!
 
Buy out clause - A fixed sum that a player can be brought for if a bid is received by a certain date
*Please note United seem to disregard this and prefer to pay over the odds in a last minute panic buy
 
According to... A source close to the player/A high ranking club official - We're literally making all this up and hiding behind our ability to "protect sources".
 
sources close to Old Trafford say... => I've got no quotes for this transfer bullshit I'm making up to get the muppets clicking, but who cares...
 
newspaper reports in Spain confirm the story in the Daily Star.... : MARCA or AS have reprinted the story from the Daily Star to fill a paragraph or two.

or

Spanish radio station confirms the story in the Daily Star.... : crappy spanish sports program mentions bullshit like story from the Daily Star to fill a minute or two.
 
Sky Sports Understands - We've not got a clue,but if you stay tuned we will drag it on as long as possible.
 
Youtube compilation - fantasy story that artificially chops action just before the key pass that he doesn't make
 
Transfer Muppet- A curious species, most commonly found during the summer and winter seasons, otherwise in hibernation. They feed on loosely-based material of transfer targets created by those which have no inside knowledge, and thrive on any thread of hope that the rumours may be true (See Writing on the ball; The Thiago Saga for more information). Once discovered the transfer rumours are in fact false or the seasons are over without any transfers occurring, the transfer muppet falters and eventually passes away, making way for new transfer muppets in the coming seasons.
 
I argue that. I'm the King Muppet and I never pass away.
 
I enjoy the idea of a warchest and you won't spoil it for me. I mean an actual wooden chest, full of gold coins and silver candlesticks and stuff.
 
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XY are bracing themselves for a bid: nobody has any idea what this means but nobody cares either.
 
Exit door: This is a real door that is typically reserved for unwanted players who are likely to leave (wanted players magically teleport to more sexy locations, like airports or planes; alternatively, they are sometimes spotted in a helicopter). A player can be headed to the exit door without a final destination in mind, in a form of pity by the press - a player who desperately wants to move, and a team that desperately wants to sell him - to anywhere.

The dedicated reporter: The reporter or journalist assigned to wait outside the stadium of a club that is unlikely to make any transfers. This reporter will be contacted once throughout the transfer window, to provide an update confirming that it is absolutely true that no transfer activity has happened with this club. This reporter is usually filmed standing next to a van for comfort, and it is often dark and miserable outside.

Transfer limbo: 1) A transfer tactic typically employed by Manchester United for straightforward transfers, prolonging the agony for its accountants and fans; 2) Peter Odemwingie

Stumbling block: All transfers are smooth, except expensive, quality players, who generally must undergo a long, protracted transfer saga involving many stumbling blocks (such as personal terms and agent fees). (This does not apply to Manchester City buying players.)

Slammed shut: The transfer window slams shut after a real-time countdown timer finishes. No transfers can be completed after the window is shut. Except loan deals. Except some vague paperwork that can be submitted later. Except deals that the media is unsure whether the transfer met the countdown. Such deals are usually confirmed in the hour following the window shutting, which is a nervous period of time for all fans. The player may be seen skulking the stadium or heading for his medical, through some grainy Twitter photograph that may or may not be taken after the window is shut.
 
Probably should be here:

Big Ben Foster said:
Not a tweet but I think this belongs here. Found it on Reddit's r/soccer:
Vaj6bfw.jpg
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Also remember that, if you read something interesting in the twitter thread, you must go to another thread to reply to it.
 
Not good enough defensively: When discussing potential Manchester United transfers, this phrase is often used to describe players who play in attacking positions. The phrase simply means that they're very, very good at the attacking aspect of football, infinitely better than Antonio Valencia and Ashley Young.
 
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Flying back from Australia to do urgent business: doesnt mean your new CEO is on the verge of completing a major signing. It just means he has been holding that huge shit back, regretting he had those beer & burger the previous night, until he gets back to the comfort of his own private toilet, where he can relax reading the business news, whilst sitting on his club-crested porcelain toilet bowl
 
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