To the tune of the Modern Major General's Song from the Pirates of Penzance
We are the very model of a modern major football team,
We've sponsors for our tyres, watches, pasta, rice and coffee beans,
We've many trinkets for the leagues and cups we won historically,
But since Sir Fergie left we have been struggling rather terribly!
We're very well acquainted with the wilderness of Liverpool,
But lately they've been dominant and we're the ones who look the fools,
But this year will be different - we came third and now we're on the up,
We'll reign in Europe, win the league and bag ourselves the FA cup!
The transfer window's open and we're told that Sancho's on his way,
So many players coming in they won't all get much time to play,
We'll rid ourselves of deadwood and their over-inflated salaries,
Make room for Dayot, Kalidou, Thiago, Bale and even Messi please!
If Dortmund set a deadline they're only teasing they'll take what we give,
If Leipzig give out contracts it's a pretence - they'll accept our bid,
"They've lost their pulling power" that's what in-the-knows and journos say,
They're all liars, they're all jealous, just you wait till we sign Dembele!
We've lost to Crystal Palace, scraped past Brighton, next game's Tottenham,
We'll send Jose back to shoot more cringy try-hard scenes with Amazon,
Even though we've only bought one player and he's barely made it off the bench,
Come on Ed pull yer finger out - we lost 6-1, that's evidence!
Surely now he'll stump the money up and put young Jadon on a plane?
His wallet's fit to bursting he can't wait to pull it out again,
He's on the phone - at last those agents have returned his calls!
(They could never outwit Woodward I'm surprised they even had the balls!)
Today I bought all three kits, I'm printing Koulibaly on the red,
The away kit is for Grealish and the third kit is for Jimenez,
You can feel the European giants shaking now in fear of us,
Ole's driving at the wheel so all aboard the transfer bus!
Sunday came and went without announcements on the instagram,
But we've all got faith in Woody, this is all part of his masterplan,
There's rumours of some unknown kids from Italy and Uruguay,
And a half-retired striker who's been out of contract since July...
The sun arises, Monday fifth, I wish you Happy Sancho Day!
I load the transfer threads that have been dominating RedCafe,
We've bought a backup left-back, and one kid won't come till January,
What is Woody up to, is he trying to play a trick on me?!
Memories of Obertan and Bebe flashing through my mind,
We needed world-class players, for the first team, not the second side!
Get Fergie on the line to convince Scholes out of retirement,
Fergie isn't picking up, he's hiding from embarrassment!
Another season down the pan for lack of any strategy,
Can't wait for Woody to announce a new sponsor for our Christmas tree,
He couldn't organise a piss up in a busy Salford pub,
But we are the very model of a modern major football club!
