Liverpool FC jokes

[Fergies Formula]

Feel free to add and lets all laugh at the scouse scum

Rafa Benitez has this morning explained why he continues to play the rotation system. He says it’s the keep the burglars guessing, who’s at home or who’s in the team.

 

[Redlambs]

It must be the way you tell them.

 

[St Red]

How do you confuse a Liverpool fan?
























Ask him directions to Anfield.
























Oops, sorry..........................wrong team

 

[MUFCgal]

Which ship has never docked in Liverpool?
The Premiership.

What's the difference between Pam Anderson and the Liverpool goal?
Pam's only got two tits in front of her.

Rafael Benitez: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player"
Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"
Rafael Benitez: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

 

[Fergies Formula]

Which ship has never docked in Liverpool?
The Premiership.

What's the difference between Pam Anderson and the Liverpool goal?
Pam's only got two tits in front of her.

Rafael Benitez: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player"
Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"
Rafael Benitez: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

keep em coming, im destroying my scouse mate

 

[x42bn6]

Stevie G is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Alex Curran asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that’s good?" asks Curran.
"You bet Hon" says Steve."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

NOT MINE - I WOULD NEVER CALL HIM "STEVIE G".

 

[RK]

Jamie Carragher.

 

[MUFCgal]

Why do pigeons fly upside down in Liverpool?
Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

What's long, scouse and goes round corners?
The dole queue.

What do you call a scouser in a white shellsuit?
The bride.

What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The defendant.

What does a Liverpool fan do after watching his team win the Premiership?
Turns his Playstation off and gets into bed with his sister.

 

[DC1878]

Jamie Carragher.

Winner

 

[T2000]

Its changed over the years, but here you go. My all time favorite joke :-

Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen who had gone to Newcastle.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".

"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time!"

With this news, the young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry".

"Sorry!" exclaims his mum. "It's your fault we all moved to Liverpool in the first fecking place!"

 

[wancolos]

These are incredibly shit.

 

[Count Duckula]

This thread is cringeworthy.

 

[T2000]

Thats just because your scousers!!!

 

[wancolos]

Thats just because your scousers!!!

You're dead to me...

And to even think I helped you win money at your betting...

 

[Pablo76]

Half way through his hanging upside down "stunt", David Blaine has revealed what possessed him to do it. Apprently it was because his record for hanging around in a box doing nothing has been broken by Robbie Keane.

 

[T2000]

You're dead to me...

And to even think I helped you win money at your betting...

lol

 

[FlawlessThaw]

Officials of Iraq have claimed that Saddam Hussein hasn't been killed and is still alive by showing the leader giving an interview which was said to be live...

He said "To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were total sh**e on Saturday."

The British Government said, "That could have been recorded months ago."

 

[wancolos]

Half way through his hanging upside down "stunt", David Blaine has revealed what possessed him to do it. Apprently it was because his record for hanging around in a box doing nothing has been broken by Robbie Keane.

Now that's funny!

 

[Johnno]

What's black and orange and looks great on a Scouser?
A rotweiller

 

[miley_bob]

A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if your not a liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from London's East End and are West Ham fans, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a liverpool fan."


liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".

Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.




Why does the River Mersey run through liverpool?

Because if it walked, it'd get mugged.

 

[wancolos]

What's black and orange and looks great on a Scouser?

 

[rotherham_red]

Why do pigeons fly upside down in Liverpool?
Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

What's long, scouse and goes round corners?
The dole queue.

What do you call a scouser in a white shellsuit?
The bride.
What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The defendant.

What does a Liverpool fan do after watching his team win the Premiership?
Turns his Playstation off and gets into bed with his sister.

 

[Johnno]

feckING brilliant, that made my day......

 

[miley_bob]

There is a massive tailback on the M6 and a lorry driver caught up in it asks a man, who happens to be walking along the line of traffic, "what the hell is going on?"

The man replies, "haven't you heard? Terrorists have captured the bus carrying the liverpool team and are threatening to torch the bus if their demands aren't met. So I've organized a whip-round."

"How much is everyone giving?" askes the lorry driver.

"About a gallon each," replies the man.


I was watching a sports round-up the other day.

I think that it's so inspiring to see someone who was badly burnt as a child, suffers from dwarfism and downs syndrome can still reach the pinnacle of their chosen sport.

So may I say congratulations to Carlos Tevez on a fantastic goal against liverpool.



A report out today says 60% of girls under 16 in liverpool are Binge drinking on a regular basis.

I am shocked, who the feck is looking after their kids?

 

[T2000]

Have you been saving that one for years, just on the off chance there might be a liverpool joke thread started! good one though.

 

[miley_bob]

Just bought a liverpool FC advent calendar. fecking typical, all the windows are boarded up and some cnuts nicked all the fecking chocolate.




Gillian Gibbons has said that her original 15 day prison sentence seemed harsh at the time, but to be released and deported to liverpool was "Totally fecking undeserved!".

 

[wancolos]

Have you been saving that one for years, just on the off chance there might be a liverpool joke thread started! good one though.

You've seen through my devious plans...

I've searched high and low on all the world's united forums, looking for someone asking the question. THE question...

"What's black and orange and looks great on a Scouser?"

 

[miley_bob]

A Chelsea fan, a liverpool fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

 

[miley_bob]

A young lad asks his mum where his new liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "the thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

 

[Rooney24]

A woman goes to the Doctor desperately begging for help. She tells the doctor my fanny talks. She pulls down her knickers and her fanny says `Liverpool are going to win the premiership`

The Doctor sits back and replies `Im afraid we are in the middle of an epidemic. Lots of cnuts have started talking like this`

 

[miley_bob]

Define confusion.

Father's day in liverpool.

 

[miley_bob]

In a recent survey, people from liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison [Yet].

 

[FlawlessThaw]

Define confusion.

Father's day in liverpool.

My favourite one so far.

 

[FlawlessThaw]

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

 

[Castolo]

Two boys are playing football in a Manchester park when a rottweiler runs up and attacks one of them. The other boy rushes to help and manages to pin the wild dog down before breaking it's neck and killing it. A local newspaper reporter taking a stroll through the park sees what has happened and rushes over. He takes out his pad to ask the boys some questions.

As a rough heading he scribbles down: "City fan saves boy's life."

The boy says: "But I'm not a City fan."

The reporter crosses out his headline and writes: "United fan saves boy's life."

"But I'm not a United fan either" says the boy.

The reporter replies: "Well who do you support then?"

"I'm a Liverpool fan."

The boy goes home, and next morning he runs down to the local paper shop to read about his heroic story. The front page headline reads:

"Scouse Bastard Kills Family Pet."

.........

A young Liverpool fan is walking his mangy, rabid, one-eared, three-legged dog near Anfield when he finds a lamp and rubs it.

Out pops a genie, who says: "You have released me from a thousand years solitude, and for that I shall grant you one wish."

The Scouser strokes his chin for a minute and replies: "I love my dog so much that I'd like you to restore him to full health and give him back his missing ears and legs."

"Blimey," says the genie, "I'm not a bloody miracle worker! Give me a new wish."

"Oh, all right then - I'd like Liverpool to win the Premiership in my lifetime."

The genie pauses before replying: "Give us a look at that dog."

.............

How can you tell it is a Scouser looking through a keyhole?
You can see both his eyes.

What's the definition of a Liverpool virgin?
A girl who can run faster than her father and brothers.

Judge to Liverpool fan before heading into court: Are you the defence lawyer?
Liverpool fan: No, I'm the bloke who smashed up the police car.

What do you call a Scouser in a three-bedroom house?
A burglar.

Why was the airport in Liverpool named after John Lennon?
Because that's the first place he went when he made a bit of money.

 

[Wit Tanker]

Whats the difference between Mini and Torres?











Mini only carries 4 passengers.

 

[IBleedRed]

Why do pigeons fly upside down in Liverpool?
Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

What's long, scouse and goes round corners?
The dole queue.

What do you call a scouser in a white shellsuit?
The bride.

What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The defendant.

What does a Liverpool fan do after watching his team win the Premiership?
Turns his Playstation off and gets into bed with his sister.

i was out loud

 

[DoctorEvil]

Great one.

 

[giggs-beckham]

i was out loud

Me too, thats the best one short and sweet.

 

[MUFCgal]

"Why wasn't Jesus born in Liverpool....



They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin"