'Manchester United will not be participating in the European Super League.
We have listened carefully to the reaction from our fans, the UK government and other key stakeholders, but only after we've humiliated ourselves in public and dragged the name of a proud club through the mud in our wake. We knew everyone with so much as a passing interest in football would loathe this half-cocked load of Yankie bullshit so we concocted it in top secret and announced it in the dead of night, then crossed our fingers, put our phones on airplane mode and hoped no one would notice how fecking disgusting we are.
We remain committed to working with others across the football community to come up with sustainable solutions to the long-term challenges facing the game.'
I would genuinely have preferred nothing but a link to this video: