I have spent hours adding, deleting, chopping and changing this to the point where I've gone through so many versions I don't even know which is the best anymore. I want to send it off to a literary journal but just can't stop butchering it. Would really appreciate a fresh perspective/voice. Are there any parts that feel unnatural, or that ruin the flow? It's very much depression/insomnia themed so it's supposed to have a disjoined, almost rambling rhythm but I think that may have been lost due to all the amending and polishing.
Thanks muchly.
Thanks muchly.
Sleep.
It escapes me
Eyes stinging, head swimming, I rise from a bed of wood
Three bottles and an empty glass hide a clock that reads should
Should sleep
Should rest
Should get up and be less depressed
They say depression is a black dog
But he’s never visited me
If he did, I'd put out food
And welcome the company
Instead, I’m alone
With memories of dreams
From a different time
Hours ago
I was tired
But now when I lay down my head my mind awakes.
Remember the time you tripped during the school play? It says. See all these bills- how will you pay?
I’m reminded of my shrinking world
Late-night drinking and chidings of regret
I sip water from a tap, bending my neck
My bed calls and I return, devout
But my brain is treacherous
And must be drowned out
The laptop is my escape,
But its light brings moisture to my eyelids
Blink.
The verses of my mind are jagged and lopsided
I can no longer think
I suffer my headache’s resurrection
The first signs of my brain’s insurrection
It doesn’t like the screen
Oh, listen to it scream
It wants to be alone with my fears
Instead it has TV
Flickering colours and the voices of strangers for company
But it’s better not to be alone when the dark is provoked
When the bottles run dry and my fears are uncloaked
Too late now to sleep, I stare mindlessly
Until my doubts give up, and what’s left isn’t me
I was tired
Once.
It escapes me
Eyes stinging, head swimming, I rise from a bed of wood
Three bottles and an empty glass hide a clock that reads should
Should sleep
Should rest
Should get up and be less depressed
They say depression is a black dog
But he’s never visited me
If he did, I'd put out food
And welcome the company
Instead, I’m alone
With memories of dreams
From a different time
Hours ago
I was tired
But now when I lay down my head my mind awakes.
Remember the time you tripped during the school play? It says. See all these bills- how will you pay?
I’m reminded of my shrinking world
Late-night drinking and chidings of regret
I sip water from a tap, bending my neck
My bed calls and I return, devout
But my brain is treacherous
And must be drowned out
The laptop is my escape,
But its light brings moisture to my eyelids
Blink.
The verses of my mind are jagged and lopsided
I can no longer think
I suffer my headache’s resurrection
The first signs of my brain’s insurrection
It doesn’t like the screen
Oh, listen to it scream
It wants to be alone with my fears
Instead it has TV
Flickering colours and the voices of strangers for company
But it’s better not to be alone when the dark is provoked
When the bottles run dry and my fears are uncloaked
Too late now to sleep, I stare mindlessly
Until my doubts give up, and what’s left isn’t me
I was tired
Once.
cheers. I think that tells me I need to go back and make it less polished.