Tuesday February 15 2005
He's back - with a campaign to bring down Nike and a rage against the injustice of Malcolm Glazer's ManYoo bid. Oh and the usual hint of sex wee...
Tuesday
I'm so angry at the injustice. I haven't been this angry since Sir said Liam Miller could put out the cones. I would put on a balaclava and protest but it would spoil my moustache. How can the greatest club in the whole wide world ever be worth only £800m? According to my calculations using my mum's protractor and compass, I alone am worth at least £55m. Sir is worth £132m while Keano is worth around £4m, Weasley Brown is worth £200 and Silly Billy Philly would fetch around 45p.
I hope the police don't trace the threats. I put on a Darth Vader voice and a dirty Scouse accent and dialled 141 first so I should be safe. If I am arrested I will call Sir and he will come and rescue me like in that film mum let me stay up and watch at Christmas as long as I had a wee before I put on my jim-jams.
I hate international duty. I don't see Sir for three whole days. But I do see David :-) and I like his new hair. I tried to touch it at training. He mentioned the police. I'm scared in case he knows.
Wednesday
Everybody agrees (mum and Phil, after a Chinese burn) that I was easily the best player against Holland, though Wayne was also brilliant, David was as beautiful and elegant as ever and Weasley was the second-best defender for England (though he's only the seventh-best defender at the greatest club in the whole wide world). The most rubbish were Shaun Wright-Phillips (blue scum), Jamie Carragher (scouse), Steven Gerrard (really scouse) and Ashley Cole (Arse-nal scum).
I'm angry though as I told Sven not to pick nobody players from nothing teams that nobody has heard of and he still played a boy called Stewart and one called Alan or Alex or something. I have refused to speak to them all week until they join a proper club. I still don't understand why Ryan and Gabriel and Ruud can't play for England. It's racism and that's why we wore the anti-racism shirts. I think.
Thursday
I am bringing down the whole Nike empire. That will teach them to turn down the chance to sign Gary Neville as their pin-up boy. I could have been the face of Nike. I could have made them the biggest sports company in the whole wide world ever but by the end of the week they will be nothing. And I will laugh. And so will Phil. And so will mum. And Diadora Kia-Ora will give me an even bigger contract.
They didn't even reply to my letters and phone calls and e-mails and personal visits - even though my 'Gary: The History Man' concept was brilliant. What more could they want but football's most dynamic man/boy dressed only in Nike shorts and posing as some of the greatest men in history - Charlie Chaplin, Lord Kitchener, Adolf Hitler, Jesus...
I would even have lost the Nike shorts if it was artistic. Though I wouldn't pose with girls because everyone knows girls smell.
Friday
I saw Sir today and I was so excited I almost made a sex wee. But then Rio said he was now Sir's favourite because he didn't go and play for England and then I felt sick. I should have listened when Sir took me, Phil, Wayne and Rio in his office last week and asked us 12 times if we felt a little bit poorly or sore. I thought he was just being nice, but now Rio gets to carry his hip flask :-(
No calls from the police. Maybe I should shave off my moustache as it's a really distinguishing feature. I live in fear of turning on the TV to hear 'Manchester Police are looking for a handsome, clever man/boy with a bushy moustache in connection with threats against nasty Malcolm Glazier, who doesn't understand that the greatest club in the whole wide world ever is worth zillions and gazillions because they have players like the brilliant Gary Neville'.
Saturday
Cried myself to sleep because everyone is still laughing that Keano says he had to rescue me from Patricia Vieira. Rio thought it was funny to give me a whistle so I could call Keano if I was ever picked on by girls and I even caught Phil laughing. So I told Sir that I heard him singing an Oasis song which means that he is definitely maybe a blue scum fan.
Walked past JJBs today and there were some Nike trainers on sale. Ha. Their downfall has begun.
Sunday
'And the brilliant Gary Neville - hero of the United fans and the man the City fans love to hate because they know he's the best and they're really jealous - crossed the ball for Wayne Rooney to score as the only team in Manchester triumphed again. Is there no end to what this man/boy can do? All hail Neville and his fantastic, bushy moustache'.
I was brilliant. And I looked really hard on the telly because I called Robbie Fowler names, and then didn't pick up the ball when Keggy Keegle passed it to me. That will teach anyone who thinks that I need Keano (though I did have that whistle in my sock in case Danny Mills was in a nasty mood) to fight my battles. I didn't need Keano to bring down Nike, did I?
Monday
No cards for me :-( - though I know the post from Spain is very unreliable because I've only ever had one postcard from David and someone - probably a jealous postman - had written naughty words on it and drawn pictures of winkies.
Hope Sir likes his card. Mum let me use cow glue.
He's back - with a campaign to bring down Nike and a rage against the injustice of Malcolm Glazer's ManYoo bid. Oh and the usual hint of sex wee...
Tuesday
I'm so angry at the injustice. I haven't been this angry since Sir said Liam Miller could put out the cones. I would put on a balaclava and protest but it would spoil my moustache. How can the greatest club in the whole wide world ever be worth only £800m? According to my calculations using my mum's protractor and compass, I alone am worth at least £55m. Sir is worth £132m while Keano is worth around £4m, Weasley Brown is worth £200 and Silly Billy Philly would fetch around 45p.
I hope the police don't trace the threats. I put on a Darth Vader voice and a dirty Scouse accent and dialled 141 first so I should be safe. If I am arrested I will call Sir and he will come and rescue me like in that film mum let me stay up and watch at Christmas as long as I had a wee before I put on my jim-jams.
I hate international duty. I don't see Sir for three whole days. But I do see David :-) and I like his new hair. I tried to touch it at training. He mentioned the police. I'm scared in case he knows.
Wednesday
Everybody agrees (mum and Phil, after a Chinese burn) that I was easily the best player against Holland, though Wayne was also brilliant, David was as beautiful and elegant as ever and Weasley was the second-best defender for England (though he's only the seventh-best defender at the greatest club in the whole wide world). The most rubbish were Shaun Wright-Phillips (blue scum), Jamie Carragher (scouse), Steven Gerrard (really scouse) and Ashley Cole (Arse-nal scum).
I'm angry though as I told Sven not to pick nobody players from nothing teams that nobody has heard of and he still played a boy called Stewart and one called Alan or Alex or something. I have refused to speak to them all week until they join a proper club. I still don't understand why Ryan and Gabriel and Ruud can't play for England. It's racism and that's why we wore the anti-racism shirts. I think.
Thursday
I am bringing down the whole Nike empire. That will teach them to turn down the chance to sign Gary Neville as their pin-up boy. I could have been the face of Nike. I could have made them the biggest sports company in the whole wide world ever but by the end of the week they will be nothing. And I will laugh. And so will Phil. And so will mum. And Diadora Kia-Ora will give me an even bigger contract.
They didn't even reply to my letters and phone calls and e-mails and personal visits - even though my 'Gary: The History Man' concept was brilliant. What more could they want but football's most dynamic man/boy dressed only in Nike shorts and posing as some of the greatest men in history - Charlie Chaplin, Lord Kitchener, Adolf Hitler, Jesus...
I would even have lost the Nike shorts if it was artistic. Though I wouldn't pose with girls because everyone knows girls smell.
Friday
I saw Sir today and I was so excited I almost made a sex wee. But then Rio said he was now Sir's favourite because he didn't go and play for England and then I felt sick. I should have listened when Sir took me, Phil, Wayne and Rio in his office last week and asked us 12 times if we felt a little bit poorly or sore. I thought he was just being nice, but now Rio gets to carry his hip flask :-(
No calls from the police. Maybe I should shave off my moustache as it's a really distinguishing feature. I live in fear of turning on the TV to hear 'Manchester Police are looking for a handsome, clever man/boy with a bushy moustache in connection with threats against nasty Malcolm Glazier, who doesn't understand that the greatest club in the whole wide world ever is worth zillions and gazillions because they have players like the brilliant Gary Neville'.
Saturday
Cried myself to sleep because everyone is still laughing that Keano says he had to rescue me from Patricia Vieira. Rio thought it was funny to give me a whistle so I could call Keano if I was ever picked on by girls and I even caught Phil laughing. So I told Sir that I heard him singing an Oasis song which means that he is definitely maybe a blue scum fan.
Walked past JJBs today and there were some Nike trainers on sale. Ha. Their downfall has begun.
Sunday
'And the brilliant Gary Neville - hero of the United fans and the man the City fans love to hate because they know he's the best and they're really jealous - crossed the ball for Wayne Rooney to score as the only team in Manchester triumphed again. Is there no end to what this man/boy can do? All hail Neville and his fantastic, bushy moustache'.
I was brilliant. And I looked really hard on the telly because I called Robbie Fowler names, and then didn't pick up the ball when Keggy Keegle passed it to me. That will teach anyone who thinks that I need Keano (though I did have that whistle in my sock in case Danny Mills was in a nasty mood) to fight my battles. I didn't need Keano to bring down Nike, did I?
Monday
No cards for me :-( - though I know the post from Spain is very unreliable because I've only ever had one postcard from David and someone - probably a jealous postman - had written naughty words on it and drawn pictures of winkies.
Hope Sir likes his card. Mum let me use cow glue.
