The Things MockneyRevil Noticed 2008/2009

Mockney · Apr 6, 2009

Was Villa-Real? 10 Things I noticed (Utd Vs Villa)

My Observations from the Man Utd - Villa game....

1. Neville Neville / Ch-ch-ch Changes - We might sing his name to one David Bowie number, but the B-Side is a distinctly different one. Without trying to be reactionary it doesn't look like our dear club captain can cut it against the top teams any more. I realise he's been out since January and that Fergie was forced into playing him but he was clearly off the pace not just physically but positionaly all game. All of Villa's most threatening attacks came down the left in the 2nd half and in the first he was beaten by Young so many times Lawrenson on MoTD had to re-assure the viewers they weren't watching a re-play. Most fans, myself included thought the rest of his career would be spent providing experience in big matches while we blooded his replacements in the lesser games but even this looks beyond him. It's not his fault, he's not been right since his injury but I'd rather see him burn out than fade away.

2. Lucky Number 7 - Not a chance! - Just like Robson, Cantona & Beckham before him, Ronaldo displayed the same 'just when you need a goal' heroics that made his jerseys previous incumbents Utd legends. He wasn't at his best by a very long shot but everything about him screaaamed World Class. From the 2 glorious goals, through the lovely ball to create Wellbecks chance, to the 60 yeard run to the corner flag in the 95th which he celebrated like a goal, even Ronaldo on a bad day can tear apart the most stubborn of teams. Don't be fooled, Macheda may have won the match, but if this game is to be remembered as the Sheffield Wednesday of 09 then I hope it's also remembered who took this match by the scruff of it's neck when NO-ONE looked like scoring and said "feck this, we aint loosing" - just like his predesessors, that shirts magic ya know!

3. Our Bark is worse than our Bite! - We really need Hargreaves back. Anderson's only showed last years potential in one game this season (CC Final) and however well Fletcher's progressed this season (he was good again yesterday in a poor performance) he's not a Keano-like holding midfielder. It's almost as if he's trying to ape Carrick, and while he's done this quite well he's not got quite the same presence as an Ince/Keane/Hargreaves or even (dare I say it) Smith. Far too many times yesterday our Midfield was over run, just like it was against Liverpool. If Hargo is gonna develop into the massive crock he's shaping up to be, we may well need to invest in the summer. Could Tevez play there???

4. No emotion please - we're British - Your're 17, your're whole family uproots and moves to England because they believe in you. You score a screamer on your debut in the last minute of a must win match. You go and embrace your dad in the stands and your fecking booked!!!...Give me a break. This is surely the stupidest rule in football...Change it & change it now!

5. Mach of the Day - Lets not get ahead of ourself here but this lad is built like a brick shit house. Wayne Rooney's biggest attribute at 16 was his strength....It allowed him to display his immense skill without being bullied off the ball....If this lad has the skill there's no reason he can't make a big name for himself at this club, and soon.. ...

6. Hello Mr Postman - While Macheda may look like a swarthy 35 year old greek barman, strangely, his dad looks like a small, ginger 30 year old postman from Halifax....Either he's got an Amazonian mother or the milkman was delivering more than he was supposed to...

7. Rio to Newcastle? - What was that all about? I know him an Dowie where team mates at West Ham but it seemed distinctly odd to see Ol' shovel face sitting with Rio in the injured players & guests area discussing something very intently.. what can they possibly have been talking about?..Beauty treatments?...The Apprentice?...Merking?

8. Who asked you? - It's starteling the amount of numpties they ask for opinions out side of the ground on MUTV. All of them seemed to be foreign with a minimal grasp of the Queens and all of them seemed to think Tevez was MoTM which was odd cos I thought he was shocking (and I love Tevez!)...however there was one drunk man who kept looming into view behind several of them with half a cigarette popping out of this mouth and staring demonically at the camera...I liked him

9. Gareth Barry - I unfortunately notcied Gareth Barry quite a lot. Why can he never play that well for England?

10. Sweet Dreams are Made of This - We needed this match. Or a Match like it. This season has been woefully short of classic matches, not just for United but across the whole spectrum. These are the games you look back on. Liverpool had already had a few and while we'd played fairly well we'd coasted through most matches. Our best performance was a 0-0 away from home against Inter. While this was certainly NOT our best performance this was the first match to significantly raise the blood pressure. It could be the one which makes us believe we can do it. We where rocking since the Liverpool game. Suddenly the players felt like it could all fall apart. For 80 minutes we played like we didn't believe. Now we do...this should be the shot in the arm to take us through the run-in...

Mockney · Apr 8, 2009

They think it's PortOver - 10 Things I noticed (Man Utd vs Porto)

Awful pun aside...My observations from the (frankly bizarre) Porto game...

1. You do it to Yourself, you do...and that's what really hurts - Porto played well, yes. They deserved this result without question, but they where by no stretch of the imagination the Barca team that out played us last year. They weren't the Milan team that outplayed us in 06/07. They weren't the Madrid team that (almost) embarrassed us in 2000. This was an above average pot B team. A team that would likely finish 7th in the Premier League. The main reason for this result was us. We played with all the assurance and swagger of a spotty, geeky, slightly retarted white 14 year old boy, suddenly asked to give an on the spot freestyle in front of the Wu Tang Clan. Our Defence seemed incapable or remembering which colour we where playing in, our Attack, minus Rooney, where the epitome of Poulet sans Tête, and our Midfield, minus Fletcher, looked like a group of Squirrels invited to a party, only to realise when they got there that was a swingers night for Bears...Am I being unfair?

2. Confidence is a Preference for the habitual voyeur of what is know as... - We all thought, Myself included, that Macheda's winner on Sunday would inspire a rip roaring performance of old. How wrong we where. Despite a plethora of shakey clearances, the one thing I noticed was the absence of pass and move dynamics. We held the ball up alot when we didn't need to, almost as if we weren't sure we could make those passes and when we did play one touch football it invariabley fell apart. It was bizarre watching this match because we just didn't play with any confidence. Fergie admitted as much at half time, he said we looked nervous. Now I'd accept this against Barca in the Semi's but having won this bloody competition last year, surely they are the ones who should've been nervous? The old adage about Liverpool in the 70s having beaten their opponents before they even stepped on the pitch applies to us most of the time too. However in the last 4 games we've done our best to ensure we've beaten ourselves before we step on the pitch!

3. ..Park-Life! - I know, I know, he tries really hard. I know he's dependable and useful. I know he's more consistent than Nani and that he has a knack of being in the right place at the right time but deep down we all know he's just that little bit off being very good. It's not that his technique or ability or dedication is questionable, it's that when he has the ball you know there's very little imaginative he's going to do with it. We're essentially waiting for him to pass to someone better and while that's an acceptable trait in a holding Midfielder or a Right back, it's not in an Attacking Midfielder. It's taboo on this forum to critisize our fringe players, especially those that seem like nice fellas but I would've liked to have seen a Mourinho like early substitution in this match. Tevez for Park, Ronaldo onto the wing.....

4. I'm looking at the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways - The reason for this lyric? because we want Michael Back son!!. My 2nd terrible pun aside, just like Wacko Jacko, Carrick seems to have transformed himself into a completely different person in the last month. If i'd told any of you at the beginning of the season that by April Darren Fletcher would be spraying 50 yard passes around with assurance and be our most trustworthy Midfielder while Michael Carrick would be fiddling around in the centre circle loosing possession you'd have laughed me out of the Caf. If anyone's caught the confidence bug, it's him.

5. I just can't, I just can't, I just can't control my feet - The amount of miss-placed passes in this game was shocking, not just from us, from Porto as well. For a last 8 Champions League game I've rarely seen two sides zip the ball around with such reckless abandon. We where by far the worst culprits, Scholes & O Shea in particular. when Paul Scholes' passing is something for concern, you know your in trouble.

6. You wouldn't like him when he's angry...I didn't bloody like him at all yesterday but you've got to admit he was...er...incredible. Dictated the play whenever he had the ball and turned his markers far too many times for my liking. However, we where so shocking at the back that I'm a little hesitant in praising this lad too much, but at 22 and already included in UEFA's Top 10 Rising Stars after only 20 games for Porto (This is his first season in top flight European football. He was in the J-League previously) he looks like could be something special. Too early to call him the Black Rooney??

7. Pictures of Mach-Stick men - Yes your a big deal now lad, the cameras are going to be on a lot now, even if your just sitting on the bench....Might as well do your hair....that's it...there you go....oh and again....to be honest mate there isn't very much of it and it seems to be gelled pretty solid but you never now, it might bouffant at any minute....oh and again, good lad.

8. Is it a bird? Is it a plane?...No it's Superma.....oh - OK, so Ronaldo had a shocker. In fact the words Him in, Fernando, Had, Pocket, His, come to mind...but in the air he was good. His link up play with Rooney at times was delightful, almost Ruud-Like. The only positive I took from his performance is that, as a target man, he's probably the best we have. Although whether that's a positive for the team as a whole I'm not so sure...

9. I'm a little Crest-Fallen... - Do we really need this hideous giant silver crest bollocks on our shirts? I know FIFA are desperate to raise the profile of the World Club Cup but could they not have come up with something more tasteful & discreet? I can see the meeting now....
"how about a Star? ....No it wouldn't be as big as the Uefa badge and people wouldn't get what it was...OK, how about a badge? Could it be bigger than the Uefa one?, No?...Ok, How about a giant feck off crest in the middle of their shirts with a picture of the WCC trophy on it?..Yes! Bingo, Genius, now where's my complimentary hamper..."

10. Up Up and Away.... - Judging by last night I wouldn't rule out a 3-3 or a 4-4 but realistically, we have to win...But it's Ok. Our best performances in Europe this season have been away and our greatest triumphs have been when pegged into a corner and forced to fight our way out. I said in my '10 things' from the Villa game that we needed that match, that we need classics to define our season and give us belief. Well this particular classic will have drained some of that belief but it's nicely set up for another to gain it back. If we are to truely earn our Trophy back we'll need a performance worthy of it and I, for one, am fine with that. ...

..Do you really want United to coast through the season? To win our trophies easily and un-memorably like Liverpool did in the 70s? ....Bollocks to that, I want 3-2s in the Stadio Dell Alpi, 3-3s in the Nou Camp, 7-1s and 4-3s..I wan't great dramatic moments, I want epic matches remembered for all time...I wan't United to fight, and win, when it looks like it's lost...Cos that, my friends, is why Manchester United is the most supported club in the world. Romance. And I'm a bloody romantic god dammit!

Mockney · Apr 11, 2009

Alice in SunderLand - 10 Things I noticed (United Vs Sunderland)

10 Things I noticed from Sunderland Vs United

1. Off the Bench & Through the Looking Glass... -
To be honest Kiko, we all thought you took a little too long to make an impact against Villa, If you could perhaps score the winner with your first touch today we'd all be slightly more impressed....

Apparently, according to tabloid speculation, we were in the running to be the central team in the first of the Goal films...As it happens we're doing a pretty good job of making it look far more realistic than Newcastle ever could. Frankly this is getting quite surreally ridiculous now. I'm beginning to wonder whether the reason Macheda Sr looks nothing like his son is because he was in fact rocketed to earth as a baby wrapped in a United shirt (A red one and a blue one obviously) and his mother & father have been raising him in Rome as a normal child while all the time preparing him for his destiny....Lazio never stood a chance. And no I haven't taken my happy pills today, I'm quite serious. Long may the fairy tale continue....

2. Baby Got Back – Whatever monstrous form the spawn of Wayne & Colleen might take, it's certainly having a great impact on it's soon to be father. He faded a little in the 2nd but he was majestic in the 1st half, as he has been since his return to form on the international stage (which was coincidentally around the same time as Mrs “Eeeeerm” announced her pregnancy to the world). I remember Brooklyn's impending arrival having a big impact on Beckhams form in 98 and some of Wazza's cross field balls from the left where very Beckham-esque. I'm beginning to see more and more weight to the argument that he should be played on the left. Since Vidic's rather bizarre dip in form I'd quite easily have Rooney as our best performer this season. .

3. I see a Red Card and I want to paint it black... – Speaking of Vidic, something odd has happened to him. Since his howler against the 'Pool he's suddenly seemed to have lost a huge amount of confidence, or assurance, or something...and whatever it is he's not gonna find it down the back of the sofa. Once almost a shoe in for PFA & Writers player of the year, he might now not even win the Sir Matt Busby Trophy. Worse still his dip is having a negative effect on little Johnny Evans who, without the stability of an in-from partner, has begun to look far less sure of himself than previously. He didn't even jump for their goal today...

4. I'm gonna be Flank with you... – We're getting murdered out wide. Fulham got one, Villa got 2, Porto got one and now Sunderland joined this far from exclusive club who seem to be handing out memberships to anyone regardless of if their names are on the list or not. They'd probably get in in trainers for fecks sake...Is it just a dip? Is it just a symptom of the cold most of our other players seem to have? Or are Neville & O Shea just too slow now-a-days?..Discuss...I'll give extra marks for originality

5. Jack-in-the-Box – Well, Paul actually. It's been a while since we saw Scholesy pop up with a header from a late run in the box, a move that used to be his trademark..(the last I remember was his fantastic, but unfortunately illegal, right hook against Zenit)..A little nostalgia goes a long way, especially after a couple of bad performances.

6. Time, is on our side, yes it is.. – Well no, it wasn't today actually, but it often is. Where did those 4 minutes come from? I know quite often we benefit from these bizarre added time anomolies but it's become standard practice to add 3+ minutes onto every game now regardless of what happens...You can tell how much added time there actually is by how many minutes beyond 3 they add on. Today it was one. A football match is now effectivley 93 minutes long. This isn't actually wrong, if you added up all the time the ball is actually out of play you'd end up with a good 15/20 minutes of injury time, but I'm not sure when this particular minor revolution in football happened. Around 2002 I think.

7. The Three Stooges – Incredibly harsh title I know...couldn't think of a better one, but Park, Tevez & Berbatov where of almost no use today at all. I know the defense was poor but a defense low in confidence is always going to give the opposing team added confidence to attack them. Up front we needed invention and with Rooney out wide (doing a stirling job I might add) and Ronnie on the bench, it was left to these 3 to create goals. They never came remotely close. Tevez had a good chance in the 2nd but his first touch was poor. Conversely Berbatov's first touch was always excellent, but he then failed to do anything with it. All three of them spent a large amount of this match running directly at people and then acting bemused when the person in question didn't move out of the way and, in fact, took the ball off them and ran the other way. Must do better..

8. Long Shot Kick the Bucket – Aside from Scholes' goal and Tevez chance I'm struggling to think of a chance we created.(help me out here!)....Long shots seemed to be the order of the day. Scholes & Rooney had some good efforts, as per usual, and even Macheda's goal came from an optomistic punt off target from Carrick...Let's try and bring back the fluid united of old. The united that scored 4 at The Stadium of Light (has there ever been a more mis-appropriately pompously named stadium?) last season..

9. Hold me, Kill me, Kiss Me, Thrill Me – What with being big news now and all, Kiko should really come up with a better goal celebration. From the looks of it it'll come in handy. No one wants to be the new age Alan Shearer...For all his brilliance, there weren't that many kids in playgrounds around the country pulling out the vaguely half arsed Nazi salute pioneered by El Messiah Mark 2...Maybe Anderson could give him some of his unused ones. I'm sure he's got a stock pile...At the moment he's stuck between the “nyeeeew, nyeeeew I'm an aeroplane” technique and just looking like he wants a hug..

nnyeeeeeeew, I'm an aeroplane...

...or maybe I just want a hug

..yep I definately want a hug...

Awwww...there you go...that's better

10. I Believe I can Fly...I Believe I can Touch the Sky – We need to start believing. This is traditionally the stretch where we come into our own. I've seen a few posts where people have claimed we where shakey at this stage last season, and the season before, but this isn't true. In 06/07 we reached our zenith about now with the 7-1 win over Roma. Last year we beat Arsenal with a triumphant 2-1 and a loss at Chelsea aside, looked much more assured and slick in the run in than we do this season. As awful as it is to say, we look like we're feeling the pressure. If anyone can deal with it it's Fergie (an to a lesser extent Giggs & Scholes). They've been here before, they know exactly how to steady the ship...lets hope it's all aboard for the voyage home. Avast Me Hearties, Avast!!

Mockney · Apr 16, 2009

Pieces of Eight - 10 Things I noticed (Porto vs Man Utd & the other QFs)

Slightly different one this week. I'm going to use my 'Top 10' to reflect on the Champions League QFs as a whole (although obviously with heavy emphasis on the United game.) This has as much to do with the plethora of interesting things in the other games as it does my inability to find 10 interesting things from our game. If the mods see fit to move this to the football forum then be my guest, although it is mainly United....

1. The Usual Suspects – So, here we are again. 3 English teams and Barcelona square it up for the Champions League Semi's for the 2nd consecutive year. No doubt Michel Platini will have already dusted off his Panini stickers and erected a Barcelona shine in his 'Salon' I wouldn't be surprised if he's created a Lionel Messi deity of out pillows. Despite proving the awesome might of the Premier League once again, it's Barca who've come out of these engrossing Quarter Finals with their fear factor unblemished. With 29 goals in Europe already this season they are certainly the neutrals choice despite the ongoing steam roller of Les Roast Beef. However they've probably had the easiest ride of the lot. Bayern may have looked like a tough tie on paper but their defense was never of a high enough standard to stop the Fantastic Four. The English Teams, and United in particular (when on form) have more than enough in their locker to stop them. Chelsea will be the first proper gage of how good they really are. If they push them aside like they did Bayern, then we should be worried. I've got a feeling they won't.

2. Memento – Slowly but surely, United are remembering who they are. There were more than enough nervy moments where they seemed to slip back into the disorganized mulch that almost proved so costly in the first leg, but at least we're getting there. Centrally, a few free headers aside, we where superb. Rio & Vidic, when on form, are the best defensive partnership in Europe, no question. Out wide however, which is where our problems have really been in the last month, we looked far from water tight. Evra was poor, even before he almost got his face taken off. O Shea looked solid but a better team would have made us pay for some of the chances we gave them in the last 10 minutes. Going forward we again looked better but while at the beginning of the season we were creating a pot load of chances and only converting a couple, now we seem to be creating only a hand full and converting nearly all of them. Not that the goal yesterday was even a chance...unless your Ronaldo that i is.

3. Face/Off – Not since John Travolta & Nic Cage decided to camp it up amongst John Woo's slow motion flying Pigeons have I had as much fun watching two people trade places. (Well maybe 'Trading Places', but Eddie Murphy's early genius is forever tarnished for me by....well, almost everything he does now!) Ronaldo up front was superb. His link up play is always good when he's up there and he seems to hold on to it less when he's not given the freedom of the wing. The biggest asset it brings is that his ability in the air is made the most of. His leap can be so devastating at times that even Rio & Vidic would have trouble with him. Similarly, Rooney on the right wing was more effective than Ronnie has been in the last month. He's probably slightly better on the left where he can cut inside but yesterday he again displayed his innate ability to play anywhere. Jack of all trades and master of all as well by the looks of it!

4. Hello...Mr. Anderson – I've said in the last couple of these that we needed a bit of bite in our Midfield of late. and if Hargreaves is, as I've long suspected, in fact revealed to be Darren Anderton's long lost cousin, then Ando could be The One. While it's admittedly only the 2nd match this season he's played like this, it was a great big gust of fresh air to see him get stuck in last night. He gave the defense the cover they haven't had in recent weeks and provided that extra thrust to get the ball up to Roon & Ron quickly. Let's hope he can stay fit an in form for the run in.

5. Sympathy for the Devil – The God's of Football have a twisted sense of humor. On the 50th anniversary of Munich it was Manchester City who crashed United's party (if you could call it that). On the 20th anniversary of Hillsborough it's Manchester United who steal the headlines from Liverpool...As with the Munich anniversary, it's possibly the least appropriate thing that could happen....Football, bloody hell.

6. Paint it Black – Is it just me, or did the black armbands sported (quite rightly I might add) for Hillsborough look like hastily applied gaffer tape?..Peter Cech in particular looked to be wearing one roll on each arm in the Liverpool/Chelsea match. Surely the FA, PL or even the clubs should have ready made ones for such occasions?

7. You Can't Always Get What You Want....But If You Try Sometimes – We all (probably) know the story. Roman Abramovich came to watch Man Utd take on Real Madrid in the European Cup Quarter Finals back in 2003, and after witnessing an enthralling 4-3 encounter full of silky football and attacking verve, fell in love with the game. He decided right then and there, so legend goes, to buy a team. A team full of similar verve and dynamism. A team he could transform into world beaters. A team who he could watch dismantle others with fantasy football from up on high on his thrown in the directors box. Unfortunately for him, non of those teams wanted to sell so he ended up with Chelsea. After sacking their most successful ever manager for not transforming them into Brazil circa 1970 and his successor for looking like an angry toad, it looked like he'd finally found his miracle worker in an out of work Gene Hackman look-a-like. However things soon went wrong and he was shown the door with much the same ruthlessness as his predecessors. On April 14th 2009, after installing the man who also runs his national team and cleans his pool as a temporary manager, Czar Abramovich finally got his wish. Still sporting the tramp-chic only the stupendously rich can pull off, he oversaw a game of football to finally surpass the one that instigated his dream. And who says money can't buy you love....eventually.

8. Frankie says Relax – There's been much talk about the PFA nominees and the one name that's always brought up as a glaring omission is Fat (TM Ronaldo De Lima) Frank Lampard. While he's taken an awful lot of stick in the past few years, this year he has clearly been good. In fact not just good, very good. In fact not just very good, but better than Gerrard very good. I realize that Gerrard's nomination has a lot to do with Liverpool's form this season but with all the focus on the battle between the Reds people may have over looked that Chelsea are hot on the heels of Liverpool in the league, have knocked them out of the CL and are still in the FA Cup. With Drogba sulking and Anelka playing erratically despite scoring for fun, Chelsea's form this season has a dammed lot to do with Frank Lampard. In the 2nd half on Tuesday he was the difference. Most of the stick he gets is because of the feeling he's slightly over-rated. Now he's starting to play like the player he was hyped to be, and perversely, he's not getting recognition for it. It's a funny old world.

9. The Kids are Alright – After booing their team only a couple of months back, Arsenal fans are quite rightly keeping their gobs shut about Wenger now. L'Arsenal are coming into form at the right time. If Van Persie & Walcott can stay clear of injury then they'll be a much tougher test in the Semi's & the league than we all thought (or hoped) they'd be. Arsenal vs United matches are almost always feisty. It's 10 years since the FA semi in 99, possibly the greatest match I've witnessed. If it's anything like that our eyes, if not our blood pressure, are in for a treat.

10. Voyage into the unknown – Manchester United have never faced an English side in a two legged European cup tie. All the other English combatants have and while this is not particularly significant in anyway it'll be an interesting sensation. I for one don't like meeting English teams as I feel it ruins the 'special' feel of a European game. However it was bound to happen sooner or later and so far our record against our compatriots in this competition is 100%. (well, it is!) Regardless of form United & Arsenal always seem to put on a show and if United play to their best they'll win since we have the better squad and the added bonus of knowing this stage of the competition inside out (Fergie has now reached more CL semi's than any other manager). As for the other tie, I believe that Barca have flattered to deceive this year. Chelsea will be a real test for them. That said, with their lead in the league far superior to ours they'll have the added bonus of not having to go full throttle domestically, something Chelsea & United can't do. Arsenal have more breathing space since Villa's disintegration and their squad will be more stretched than Barca's, but with a lot of players coming back from injury they should have a good deal of fresh legs. Whatever happens, if these games are anything to go by, it won't be dull. Hold onto your butts!

Mockney · Apr 20, 2009

Semi-Conscious - 10 Things I noticed (Man Utd vs Everton)

10 things I noticed from Manchester United Vs Everton & (paritally) Chelsea Vs Arsenal...It's a long one this I'm afraid so I'm gonna have to post it in 2 parts.

1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. – OK, lets get this out of the way. It's the big talking point I know. Did Sir Alex Ferguson ***-respect the FA cup by fielding the cast of Skins?
There where rumblings as soon as I entered the stadium. Some people had seen it on TV in the bars, some had been phoned by friends, some where just wildly speculating. Some thought Rooney was injured, some though Ronaldo was being punished, no one knew quite what to think until a man 2 rows in front of me with a Crackberry (TM) looked it up on his magical travel interweb box. Some people where obviously annoyed by this (the line up, not the Blackberry, though I'll get to that later.) The day trippers who'd brought their kids from far afield to watch Ronaldo pout where clearly put out and thought it massively disrespectful. Others, myself included, where quite excited by it. How would Macheda fair over a full 90? How would Gibson & Wellbeck do under the pressure of such a big game? and look! There are two of them, I told you!
For my money they all did quite well. As well as could be expected of our reserve side against a full strength top half Premier League outfit. We never looked particularly like scoring, but neither did Everton in this almighty snooze fest of a Semi-Final. Of the two teams we looked the more dangerous going forward and while I don't think the likes of Wellbeck where nearly as impressive as some of you do (this is the 3rd big match he's started in and the 3rd in which he's failed to make a sizable impression and the 3rd in which he's missed good chances) I thought all things considered we played well enough to be proud of our youngsters..

As for disrespecting the competition, that's a little more complicated. With every game from now until the end of the season becoming increasingly important, Ferguson had to choose carefully which games to rest players in. Weighing up the options he took a gamble. He gambled that Liverpool will take the league to the last day, or close, and that every League game from here on in is more important than the Cup. This is correct. He gambled that Arsenal would also rest certain players and that with them currently playing better football than us, the need to get our top stars fresh for the upcoming CL Semi was of greater need than getting to the FA final. This is also correct. The only thing he didn't get correct was the contingency plan. Maybe Roo & Ron should have been brought to London but Fergie's gamble came 2 shit penalties away from paying off. He may have slightly disrespected the Cup, yes, but as with Berbatovs penalty, had it worked, it would have looked like genius.

2. Sing for the Moment – Our support is excellent. Let me make that clear. Our away support is some of the finest in the country. However yesterday, in an FA Cup Semi Final at Wembley, we were dreadful. In fact, we were, at times, the worst I've ever seen a United crowd. There are many theories as to why this is. Club Wembley and the 'Football Family' allocation are poor excuses that didn't stop Everton from lifting the roof off on occasion. Nor did it stop Arsenal & Chelsea fans from creating a fine atmosphere on Saturday. I wont even begin to use the weakened line up as an excuse because if you're not going to cheer your team on because Ronaldo's not playing your not a fan and should be flogged publicly. For me it boils down to these 3 things. 1. We have more plastic fans than any other club. This is a solid gold fact I'm afraid and an unfortunate by product of being the most supported and one of the most successful clubs in the world. As many have pointed out, we had pockets of 'hardcore' fans separated by the 'quiet contingent'. This made it increasingly difficult to get a chant growing. At one point a few of the lads round me started singing the Anderson song, only to realize another pocket was also attempting this on the other side of the ground. In a rather muddled effort to stop and listen to see what part of the chant they where at, and thereby join them, the whole effort was lost to confusion and failed miserably. 2. We weren't playing a hated rival. I know Everton are scouse an all that but there's always been a decent bit of 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend' about our rivalry. For Everton we were the big club scalp in their first match at Wembley for 15 years. For us, they were an non threatening mid-to-high-mid table club in our 3rd most important tournament. This doesn't excuse it, but it gives a decent reason as to why they, and similarly Arsenal & Chelsea, were so much more vocal than us. The 3rd reason will get a whole merry section of it's own...

3. We're the famous Man Utd and we're off at Wem-ber-ley... – This is now the 5th game Manchester United have played at the new Wembley. It is also the 5th game Manchester United have not played well at he new Wembley. It is also the 4th game Manchester United have failed to score in at the new Wembley. I struggle to think of 4 games in which we've failed to score in the course of the entire last 3 seasons. 1 goal in 5 is atrocious for this club. The pitch is awful yes, and the other Semi's/Finals at this ground have hardly been high scoring affairs (four 1-0s, two 2-1s and two 0-0s if you must know) but there must be more of a reason than this. We've surely played on worse pitches and played well? Maybe it's late season fatigue, maybe it's the rather piss poor and underwhelming army assisted flag unfurling, maybe it's the fact the Queen is never in the royal box when they line up in front of it (it must be a let down) or maybe it's the terrible PA announcer who always tells us “The Time for Waiting is Over!!! It's Time for FA Cup/Carling Cup/Charity Shield ACTION!!”. Whatever it is, I hope it stops soon.

4. You need to learn when to let go.. – After 20 odd minutes the person on my left turned to me and said “This has 0-0 written all over it..” I smiled and nodded in the way you do when you don't really want to engage in conversation with someone, but he was right. This match was such a bore that much of the 2nd half was spent seeing which set of fans could appeal for the most fouls. One reason for this is that no one seemed at all interested in shooting and the one person who did, namely Danny Wellbeck, seemed pathologically incapable of making decent contact, or indeed on two occasions any contact, with the ball (quite an important requirement of shooting unfortunately for Danny). Credit to Everton, they closed us down well but we held the ball up far too long at times (special mention to Tevez here). When Gibson first came through this season I didn't like how often he shot from unpromising distances, yesterday i was practically begging the boy to have a pop..

5. The Winner Takes it all...The Looser has to fall – So Dimitar Berbatov missed a Penalty. I'm sure to many it summed up everything that is wrong with the man. The arrogance, the laziness, the lack of end product. I'm similarly sure that to many others it'll be brushed over as something of little or no significance. Penalties are a lottery you know, even Cantona missed a coupe! My opinion lies somewhere in between. I've tried to lay off criticizing Berbatov in previous posts because I felt he should be given more time. I still feel that way, but time waits for no man and it's starting to draw to a close. To his credit, he at least stood up to be counted. If our starting line up was surprising then our penalty takers where as much, if not more so. We have no way of knowing who ultimately decided but it's a safe bet to say it's usually the takers themselves. Only when everyone declares themselves eager to take one does the manager have to decide. This leads me to the rather uncomfortable question of who bottled it? Tevez was still on the pitch. Scholes should surely have taken one. Gibson has a fierce shot on him. Wellbeck must be fairly adept at taking pens. Doesn't Fabio take them for the reserves? Couldn't his twin be just as good? If everyone put themselves forward then why were Vidic and Ferdinand sent up? Rio has taken them before yes, but ahead of Scholes or Tevez?

6. Chuck Berry (away now please) - As I've already related, the confirmation of our line-up came to me via a man and his Blackberry. What I haven't yet related is how much it annoyed me that he had one. There seemed to be oceans of people at Wembley, on both days, with these horrible little appendages parasitically glued to their fingers. How come so many people have them? And more to the point, how come so many people feel the need to fiddle on them throughout a bloody football match? My flat mate has one. He's not a high flying professional type but an out of work photographer. Why does he need a Blackberry? He also spends a large amount of time messaging people on Blackberry Messenger, which implies that he knows a lot of other people with these things. (As I write this the little plop that alerts him that he has a new message has just plopped...God I hate it!). I know no-one with one, apart from him and my Mum, and a certainly don't want another avenue of communication to not speak to my Mother on and be subsequently nagged at about how I don't get in touch with her enough any more. Taking pictures or waving like a gimp to your mate in the opposite stand is all well and good, but checking your emails is not. Stop it!

To Be Continued......

Mockney · Apr 22, 2009

Back in our Pomp - 10 Things I noticed (Man Utd vs Portsmouth)

10 Things I noticed from Man Utd vs Portsmouth Tonight.....

1. Take a chance on me – In previous weeks we've seemed incapable of creating more than a prematurely born baby's hand full of chances. Luckily for us we've managed to convert almost all those we have. Today we where back to the swaggering Man Utd of old. The Man Utd who created, and missed, a shed full of chances well aware they'd create many more before the game was over. We could have won this game 5 or 6 nil. As it is we settled for 2 very well taken goals set up by 2 glorious balls (glorious balls is a phrase I'm going to attempt to get into all of my 10 things from now on incidentally.) I had a conversation on here earlier where I bemoaned our performance levels this season and the fact we haven't been involved in nearly enough exciting games. This game was certainly not exciting, but it was entertaining. It was the kind of United performance I love to see and the kind I've been spoiled with over the years to such an extent that after a rather poor run of form I was grinning like a demented Cheshire Cat with a large coat hanger in his mouth by the end through the sheer joy of beholding one again. In recent weeks it's been a bit like watching The Bill. Tonight, at times, it was like watching Brazil....only better, like watching Manchester United.

2. My Captain, My Captain.. – He may not have done enough this season to warrant the Player of the Year trophy, but had this game come before the voting cut off you could be damn sure he'd of just collected a huge swell of votes (Huge swell will also be making a regular appearance from now on I've just decided). Ryan Giggs may have developed the most intense facial and body hair of any known homosapien in his twilight years, but he continues to display all the skill, guile and genius that marked him out as a boy wonder in his teens. The lad was immense tonight for me. Tricks, flicks, vision, intelligence, glorious balls...the lot.

3. And whats more, you'll be a man my son, son son. – Our Midfield in general was superb today. I'd put Giggs, Fletcher & Anderson as my 3 choices for MoTM, but if we're talking about the Midfield in general then it'd be amiss to not talk about the man who was our Midfield General (see what I did there?) OK, It wasn't exactly the Robson definition of a MG. He wasn't clearing shots off the goal line only to end up knocking one in at the opposite end 20 seconds later, and yes, he looks annoyingly like Keenan from Keenan & Kel, but his tenacity and drive tonight was fantastic. He ran all over the place, making tackles, pushing play forward, sticking his bum out. It looks like he's finally regained his form from last season, and at just the right time too.

4. Bend it like Beckham – Rooney would be 4th on my list for MoTM. He was dynamite in the first half but when he got pushed out onto the wings in the 2nd his impact was marginalized. However, he put in some stunning (some would say glorious) balls, worthy of Golden-Nads himself. The lad really can do bloody everything asked of him.

5. Right back where we belong – Maybe we should get him to play right back, looks like we might need it. To loose both Right backs in one game is unfortunate, but it happens. What I found odd was that it took 3 attempts to get the right one on. Pompy are hardly the toughest competition and these are exactly the games I'd like to see Rafael playing in. He's better going forward than Neville and better defensively than O Shea. He can handle the pressure too, which is good, cos it looks like we'll need him.

6. Our own little Corner of the World – I noticed it as soon as Rooney went over. So, unfortunately, did Portsmouth. It was great to see us try that little corner routine again. I'd forgotten all about it and presumably Ferguson thought everyone else had too. I'd like to see it tried again but I don't think that'll happen now. I'm pretty sure it'll go the way of those Free Kicks where Giggs and Scholes used to pretend to run into each other and never been seen again. Either way, a little bit of inventiveness is a great sight to see.

7. The Six Million Dollar Man – OK, it's 600 and it's appearances, and he'd be worth way more than Six million but you get the drift. Paul Scholes made the 600 club tonight and marked it with an assist of the highest quality. He had a fairly quiet game other than that but the Ginger Pimpernel's legend is forever enshrined at this club and in a brief moment tonight, he showed why.

8. Rotation, Rotation, Rotation – It was interesting how neither Berbatov nor Tevez featured tonight in any capacity. Especially given they where the two first team strikers included in the squad on Sunday. Some will claim Berba was left out as some kind of punishment or as a result of playing badly (apparently he was booed tonight by some incidentally, if this is true then it's disgraceful), but the truth, I think, is that this was the plan all along. Both will likely feature at the weekend.

9. Smile, your on Candid Camera – Ronaldo spent an awful lot of this game sitting on his arse gesticulating again. What always amuses me is how he always manages to be facing a camera when he throws a tantrum. He also, I've noticed, always manages to be facing a camera when he misses a chance, scores a goal, or does anything else worthy of a facial expression. It's almost like he's worked out where all the cameras are at OT and turns accordingly to mug at them whenever he feels the need. Surely he wouldn't have done that? Surely he can't be so vain?...Not Ronaldo?...nope, don't believe it!

10. It's all part of the Master Plan – Fergie's plan to rest the big names for the FA Cup semi-final may not have worked out that day, but the longer plan to rejuvenate his team for the grueling title run in seems to be going nicely. The team played with a fluency and dynamism and for the first time in weeks looked attractive and dangerous every time they went forward. I know it was just Portsmouth and no one to get truely excited about but its a big step in the right direction. If this was Fergie's plan then I'm all for it. If we play like this for the remainder of the season they the FA Cup can go fish...This is the Man Utd we all came to see....Roll up roll up,,The big shows back in town

Mockney · Apr 25, 2009

We're 'Top an Damn Hot' Spurs - 10 Things I noticed (Man Utd vs Spurs)

10 Things I noticed from Manchester United vs Spurs

Although our magnificent 2nd half performance will relegate the 1st to the wicker waste basket of history it's still worth noting that we where pretty bad. So this weeks thread will follow the trend of the match itself in being negative & occasionally tragi-comic to begin with, but it'll all turn around in the 2nd half and end on a glorious high. OK?

1. Free to do WhatEvra I want.. - I don't know what it is about the effeminate duck footed road-runner that is Aaron Lennon, but what ever it is seems to strike terror into the heart of Patrice Evra. Maybe it's the go faster stripes on his eyebrow? Maybe its the fact that he looks like he's carrying a handbag or pretending to be a gluider whenever he runs. Evra was murdered by him in the first half, and even at times in the second. Every full back/winger has their bogey opponent, for a long time Ronaldo & Ashley Cole enjoyed some epic tussles on the right for club & country that generally, to be fair, A.Hole had the edge in. I'd put todays rather hap hazard performance from Pat down to fitness. But there's only so long we can use that excuse. He hasn't looked himself since he got back in the team and thats a bit of a worry.

2. All Shook Up - Fair play to spurs, they put some glorious balls into our box, but our defense was shocking in the first half. What with Lennon skinning Evra (or when Evra decided it was too much effort, Nani) out wide, our Terrible Twosome looking just that whenever the ball flew over their heads and Rafael playing so high up the pitch he had to stop and sort out his nosebleed whenever he was forced to get back (or simply foul the person he was tracking) I had the awful feeling Spurs would score every time they attacked. Their first goal was a bit fortunate with Darren Bent (played today by man attending a fancy dress party as Mr. T) taking advantage of a mix up, but their second was woeful in terms of marking & closing down. It didn't matter in the end, but it could have.

3. It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To - I think we'd all like Nani a lot more if he didn't act like the biggest drama queen since Elton John. Is it only me who cringes whenever he screams in agony and grabs his face after he's been lightly shoulder barged. It's one thing to dive, quite another to act like you've been viciously sodomised and/or face fecked into oblivion whenever you come into contact with an opposition player. I thought Fergie had had a word with him after his Red against WHU last season...doesn't seemed to have had much of an impact. Sort it out lad, your better than that.

4. Webb'd Feats - All the talk tomorrow will be about the Penalty (or with a little luck, the awsome might of our forward line) but for me Howard Webb made a bad decision much earlier. Mid-Way through the first half Wilson Palacious lunged wildly at Ronaldo, both feet off the ground, and would've sent him flying if Ronnie hadn't done a Georgie Best and skipped the challenge. He may not have made contact but the intent was there it was a clear red in my book. I'll bet you won't see a word about it in the papers tomorrow though

5. The Pen is mightier than the Sword – Lets be honest. It did change the game. And it wasn't a pen for me. I'm sure some will disagree but if that was given against us I'd be livid. It's an interesting one to debate though because if that IS a foul, then what does that mean for the future behavior of Goal Keepers? For me Gomez did everything right. Yes he took Carrick out but he also took the ball and even if Carrick's run had not been halted Gomez had already pushed the ball far enough away from him to nullify the goal threat. It was always my belief that a keeper is well within his rights to dive at the feet of a player (an if unavoidable, take him out) as long as he won the ball. Gomez did this. If this isn't the case then the GKs advantage of being able to use his hands is taken away. There is no way he could have dived for that ball without in someway coming into physical contact with Carrick. The only other alternative was to stay on his feet and hope he saved the shot. This, to me, is putting him at a distinct disadvantage with regards to the art of Goalkeeping. That said, and with all the 'Ref's in their pocket' waffle that will come out of Anfield in the next few days, we were owed a Pen after a stone wall one was denied us at Wembley last Sunday and in my view Palacious should have been off, So they all even out...

6. Mr Motivator - As soon as he shuffled on to the pitch like a leprechaun who'd fallen into a deep fat fryer you could sense OT find their voice a little bit. It's not what Carlos Tevez did with the football that lifted the place, but what he did without it. Many of his detractors claim that all his hustle and bustle mask the fact that he's not as good a footballer as his legend suggests. While it's certainly true that he hasn't reached the performance levels he reached as a teenager in South America whilst at Old Trafford, it's impossible to deny what that 'hustle & bustle' brings to a team in a game like this. Within his first 2 minutes on the pitch he had chased 5 different Spurs players down like a demented puppy forever chasing that elusive stick. It lifted the crowd, which in turn lifted the players. All it takes in a game of football to turn the tide is a good shot or a nice passage of play to suddenly give a team and a crowd that extra lift to spur them on...sometimes all it takes is a player who's willing to chase a lost cause to the ends of the earth for no particularly obvious advantage than the personal gratification it gives them. There where plenty of players today who played better than Tevez, but few, if any, who had a greater impact on the way the game was played.

7. The Fantastic Four No reason to doubt it can work now. There was some awsome football from all 4 of them in the 2nd half, I could write a book length tribute to them but I won't. All I'd say is It'd love to see them start against Arsenal. Bring it on

8. We all need some R & R now an then - There are times when all the rhetoric and nostalgia that surrounds the (original & only real) Holy Trinity would lead you to believe that every United score sheet in the 60s & 70s had only 3 names on it. This is what happens when history is written and time passes and it's what will happen when we (or more specifically, people in their 20s and 30s) are telling our grand kids about the United team of the late noughties (maybe they'll be called the naughty reds...or maybe not). The late 80s are remembered as the Robson years, the early 90s as the Cantona years, the late 90s and early 00s are the fledgling years. It's completely unfair and inaccurate to discard the contributions of all the other vitally important players of these era's but legends are legends and are remembered with a certain rose tinted degree of awe that sets them apart. They are the ones that stood up in big matches and the ones that seemed to have that extra bit of class when we needed it most. Right now, these times (or specifically, this team of 06-09) are being shaped by 2 young men who's future sprawls further out in front of them than their pasts do behind them. One of them isn't even particularly liked by a section of our supports and the other hasn't yet reached the heights he was always prophesized to, but there is no doubt that these times will be regarded as the Roo & Ron era. We are far from a two man team but how many times have these 2 stood up to be counted in important games? How many score sheets bare their names? And when the going gets tough, which 2 players do you want the ball to fall to running full pelt at a terrified opposition defence. Both where immense today, Rooney in particular. Wayne & Chris, I salute you.

9. Cool Runnings - And on the subject of Ronaldo. That was possibly the coolest penalty I've seen since Zidane emptied his guts in front of a bewildered David James before slotting it home without breaking his stride. He closed his eyes in a sort of mediational trance and then awoke and kicked it with such malaise that it was almost contemptuous. Brilliant. ...I wasn't so keen on the Incredible Hulk impression he wheeled out for his 2nd but at least it showed some passion.

10. You wait forever for a Bus and then .... - After a fairly drab season by Premier League standards it's all gone friggin loopy as the fight for European & Domestic dominance reaches it's final stretch. A month ago I was bemoaning the lack of really exciting games from the 08-09 season. The only real stand out effort was the 3-2 between Villa & Everton. All of a sudden the Top 4 have sprung into action with a veritable feast of football over the last month. United, Chelsea, Arsenal & Liverpool have all been involved in dramatic & exciting games and it may not be over yet. Best League in the Word?...Pah!, did you ever doubt it?

11. Golden Brown - Yep, 11...I'm gonna go for an 11th, albeit non United related point today. On watching MoTD it struck me that Phil Brown is forever perma tanned. And not just tanned but that weird Ronseal Quick Dry and Wood Stain brown that Big Ron used to pioneer so well. I never thought Hull was such a delightfully sunny place! (in fact I never thought I'd use the word 'delightfully' when talking about Hull). It's all completely pointless however because no matter how cool he thinks he looks with a bottle-tan it's all undone by the fact that him & Brian Horton insist on using head-mic's which make them look like embarrassing dads trying desperately to be treny...All Phil needs now to round off the 'complete wanker' look he's going for, is a Blackberry....In fact, I'll bet he's already got one

Mockney · Apr 30, 2009

ShEasy Does it - 10 Things I noticed (Man Utd vs Arsenal)

10 Things I noticed from the Champions League Semi-Final 1st Leg - Manchester United vs Arsenal

1. Don't know what you got till it's gone - We may have reverted back to the Man Utd of old in recent weeks, with flowing football and chances galore, but a small part of me misses the 'grab what you can' clinical United of March who seemed to create nothing but score whatever we did. We should of had 3 in the first half, and could of had 2 in the second. Rooney tried to baffle Almunia by heading the ball off Sagna's head but it was so unbelievably clever it didn't fool him. Tevez managed the unique trick of hitting the ball with the wrong foot onto the right foot which was so unbelievably clever it didn't fool him either because he didn't even notice it. Luckily this was excused thanks to he wonder-shin of John O'Shea (with a silky assist from Silvestre - mission complete) seconds later. Ronaldo should have doubled the lead with a clever header back across goal that was so unbelievably clever it didn't fool Almunia because he was so slow at getting back across his goal that by virtue of being in the wrong position actually ended up in the right one. Ronaldo clattered the bar with a Porto-esque shot that you could hear in London and Giggs was unlucky to be ruled offside. Oh and Anderson calmly slotted a good chance into skip half way down Matt Busby way. Hopefully we won't be made to rue a glorious chance to put this tie to bed. I can't imagine Arsenal playing that badly again, but I similarly can't imagine us not scoring there. Touch wood.

2. Have I told you lately, that I love you - Fletcher is (or more appropriately, was) one of those polarizing players, much like John O'Shea or Berbatov. I've generally restrained from commenting on him too much because as with the aformentioned duo, peoples views on him tended to be Marmite and getting involved on either side of the conversation in such instances would generally end with the feeling I've just fallen into an episode of Fraggle Rock. It's blindingly obvious however that out of the three, Fletch is the one who's changed the most opinions. Including mine. Tonight he was simply immense, possibly the most impressive I've seen him. In fact he looked world class tonight. If Pele was watching he'd most likely declare him the greatest English player he'd ever seen and it would be hard to disagree with him - although hard maybe isn't a word I should use when talking about Pele..... (and yes I know he's Scottish – think about it)

3. All Four one & one for all - I really really feel we should have used all four tonight. I try not to critisize Fergie's decisions most of the time because I generally end up looking like a fool but I really felt L'Arsenal where there for the taking. Tevez was getting in amongst them and played a blinder in the first half and I didn't see much profit in taking him off (ditto Anderson). Moreover, it was the kind of game where we relished in the tempo, something Tevez is helpful for and Berbatov isn't. It was a game which suited a dog more than a cat, so to speak. I thought it was a good time to bring Berba on when we did, just as we were starting to run out of ideas and they were getting more possession, but I didn't think bringing him on for Tevez did us any favors. Berba played well when he came on, but we looked more dangerous with Carlos. In my mind it was primed for the four of them to tear at Arsenal. But what do I know.

4. A fooled man can't be fooled again - There's a degree of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' about Ronaldo now-a-days. He does go down easily at times but it's clearly obvious to anyone who doesn't have a seething inner hatred of the man (which is basically The World sans United Fans) that he gets some rough treatment at the best of times. Tonight, without wanting to seem paranoid, the ref clearly had an issue with him. Claus Bo Larson had even come out before the game and said he would not tolerate Ronaldo diving. Specifically name checking him. Surely there should be some rule restricting refs from making derogatory comments about players he's going to officiate just before a game? While Ronnie was hardly beaten 'Keown' style, he also clearly wasn't diving around like a lunatic. Gibbs could of stuck his willy in his face and slapped him with it for all Bo cared. There was no way Ronaldo was going to get a free kick in that match whatever happened. That said, it did produce one fantastically dramatic tantrum in the second half which was hilarious. Gif maestros please get on it.

5. The 8(hundred)th Wonder of The World - Arsenal had their work cut out yesterday. Not only did they have to deal with Rooney, Ronaldo, Tevez & Berbatov, but they also had to contend with (officially) the best player in the universe this season, Ryan Giggs. I Couldn't get through this without mentioning the astonishing milestone Ryan Giggs reached tonight. 800 games and counting. One of the greatest and most exciting players ever to play the game. I salute you sir.

6. Pure and Simple - Apparently, purists would love to see a Barca-Arsenal final. I can't imagine why. Watching two teams pass the ball neatly around the centre circle for 15 minutes before failing to melt their way through the opposition defence sounds terribly boring to me.

7. Where you gonna run to now - I've no idea what formation we were playing cos Anderson spent the entire first half further up the pitch than Rooney or Tevez. It seemed to be effective though. He was unlucky to be ruled offside when through at one point which I would've been more upset about if it wasn't Anderson. Lets face it, he wouldn't have scored.

8. Two little Boys had Two Little Toys - While two great teams were doing battle on the pitch, Sky viewers were also treated to a mammoth power struggle in the studio as two great ego's vied for attention. I felt very sorry for Ruud Guillit.He seems like a lovely chap but he seemed to have been painted a very odd color by the make up people and to add to his woe didn't have a hope in hell of getting a word in edge ways as a pundit. With Glenn Hoddle desperately trying to edge his seat further into screen shot and Graham Souness sprawling himself over his chair like a pimp in tight fitting trousers the battle commenced. Richard Keys made the fatal mistake of not directing any of his questions to one person in particular so it was simply a matter of which one of the two could get their opinion in first. Ruud tried on a couple of occasions but was soon drowned out as G & G just talked over him. Both talked with the deadly authority of a man who knows everything about the game (they were both such brilliant managers remember) and is clearly right on every subject. As gripping as it was I couldn't handle any more excitement and turned the volume off after 10 minutes.

9. Throwing the Book(ing) at him - I was terrified all night that Scholes would come on. Not because I didn't want his particular brand of magic to grace this match, but because Scholes, being Scholes, would almost certainly be booked and thus be out of the 2nd leg. As it happened, Fergie also knew this. However it struck me that these bookings will now carry over into the final, should we get there. With both Scholes & Rooney (and Maybe Tevez – but not sure about this) on a booking and the 2nd leg likely to be more physical, and demand more defending, It's something I'm really beginning to worry about. I know it's far from done and dusted, and getting there is far more important than who plays, but the prospect of getting though only to be without Rooney, and the thought of Scholes missing a 2nd Final, is too much to bare. Someone please reassure me that it'll be OK.

10. One Step Beyond - All we have to do, realistically, is score next Tuesday. I really can't see us conceding 3. 1-0 may seem like a drab result but its simply because we were so in control. So far every all English tie in the CL has been won by the team playing the 2nd leg at home, with one exception. That exception was Arsenal. It's not hard. All we have to do is score. Can United score? They Always Score...

Mockney · May 6, 2009

Gunned Down - 10 Things I noticed (Arsenal vs Man Utd)

10 Things I noticed from Arsenal vs Man Utd

1. The Truth, The Whole Truth & Nothing but The Truth – Results lie sometimes. If not then in the last 5 years I've been privileged enough to see the great Greek team of 2004 justly claim their prize as the greatest international side in Europe. I was blessed a year later to witness the mighty Liverpool team of 2005 rightfully claim their place as the best club in European Football. Just last year in fact I was lucky enough to catch the wondrous Portsmouth team of 2008 sweep all inferior opposition aside as they grabbed the FA Cup from the brave but brilliant Cardiff City. Results Lie. Sometimes. One thing that never lies is the League Table. You could push a case for teams separated on goal difference or by a couple of points but when the deficit is in double figures, there's no hiding from the truth.

Arsenal like to think they're near our standard. Before the match began I was worried they would be. As Cesc Fabregas so eloquently put it in his pre match interview ”We're gonna try and get behind them and penetrate them”. Ok!. As it happened we never gave them the chance to have their filthy way with us because last night was one of those occasions when the League Table proved it's honesty. Last night we were one step, several strides, 3 places and 12 points ahead of Arsenal. And it showed.

2. Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads – Before the game started viewers at home were treated to the thoughts of SS Squadron Leader Captain Lens Lehman and an animated piece of clay in a wig vaguely resembling Teddy Sheringham. Lehman is, of course, not a Nazi, but he is the most German sounding German I've ever heard and would make an excellent casting decision were they ever to re-make Escape to Victory (which given Stallone's penchant for remakes now-a-days doesn't seem far off). The Sheringham/Clay thing is still fighting it's long term battle with aging so convincingly that his genes have given up the fight to grow him any sideburns and he seems likely to remain in this preserved state forever. Both of these creatures seemed sure we were in for a great game with Arsenal going for the jugular from the off. Unfortunately for them, and many a neutral, the days when Teddy & Jens used to compete in epic tussles appear long gone. Keane & Viera may have gone but while United have moved on, Arsenal have stood still starting longingly at the past. There was no fight in that side. Once the first went in they seemed to give up. Viera would never have stood for that in his day. For all their lovely passing play they lack a big scary man willing to get physical when it matters. There was so little fight in Arsenal in both legs that Anderson decided (quite rightly) that he wasn't going to bother with his usual defensive game and might as well play as a forward. Says it all really. We were taught a similar lesson by Madrid in 2003 when Fat Ronaldo came here and demonstrated why he was the best in the world. But that night we kept fighting, even though we knew we'd lost. We kept going and gave the fans something to comfort them and earned some pride for ourselves. Yesterday another Ronaldo taught Arsenal a lesson, but they lacked the fighting spirit (dare I say, the English spirit) to do what we did that night in 2003.

3. Anything you can do.. – It's very hard to compare 2 players at the best of times, let alone when they both play in different countries and are rarely in direct competition with each other. It's safe to say however, that Messi couldn't have done that. For all his pint sized genius his game isn't as rounded as Ronaldo's. He may well be a better dribbler and a slightly better brain for intricate link up play but he can't head, muscle and shoot like our Ronnie can. TBPITW is generally decided by the Champions League. In 06/07 Ronaldo played better than everyone in all competitions bar the CL and despite a relatively lack luster Seria A season, Kaka was exceptional in Europe. Last season Ronnie was the dominant figure in the competition and rightfully won it. This season the worlds media & those at FIFA can't wait to stamp Messi's name on the trophy, but he's failed to stamp his own name on his Semi Final. Bar something fantastic in Rome, Ronaldo should justly be named the winner again. He took this vital game by the scruff of it's neck and put in possibly his greatest ever big game performance. If Kaka deserved it 2 years ago. Ronaldo deserves it just as much again this year.

4. I Feel the Need, The Need For Speed – Some people like to claim that the truly great goals are the all inclusive team ones. Brazil's 4th in 1970. Argentina's 32 pass extravaganza in 2006. Eric Cantona has long said his perfect goal would be one where every player, including the keeper, takes 1 touch until the ball finds the net. For me Ronaldo's 2nd last night was superior to all of them. It only involved 4 people and 8 touches and it was over in an instant. And thats precisely why it was so good. It was devastating. No more touches were taken than were needed and it ripped straight through Arsenal like a knife through butter. As Cesc would say, We got behind them and we penetrated them..and we wont call them in the morning, cos we're off to Rome.

5. Stop that Train....I wanna Get Off – The Big black mark on an otherwise glorious night is obviously the dismissal of Fletcher. While I'm completely gutted for the lad, I don't think it's as controversial a decision as some are making out. He shouldn't have been sent off no. That was extremely harsh and a terribly mean spirited thing for the ref to do knowing full well we were cruising and that he'd miss the final. However, it was a foul. Fletcher did get the ball yes, that bit was fine, but he didn't push the ball far enough away to put it beyond the retrieval of Fabregas. As Fabregas could of technically still gotten possession back, the fact that Fletcher then brought him down in a scissor motion follow through (unintentionally of course) means that sadly, it was a foul for me. Our only hope is that the ref comes to his senses and recommends a booking in his post match notes. However considering how needless the decision he made on the night was, I doubt he's such a person.

6. I'll be Watching You – Becks in the crowd, giggling like a school kid, rubbing his hands with glee, taking the piss out of Flamini...Loved it. I can't think of another player in the history of football who's been so open about his loyalty and support for a club whilst he's still been playing for one (or two when you include Madrid) of their European rivals. I find United fans with a grudge against Becks very odd creatures. How can you not love this man? He loves you.

7. Life begins at 40 (games) – For most of the season we've almost coasted through on a wave of decent, but not awe inspiring performances and good results. When the blip happened it seemed like it was coming at the worst time possible and everything seemed like it might crumble around us. Weirdly however, we seem to have emerged out of the other side like the old folks in Cocoon. Fresh, rejuvenated and better than ever. Ronnie, Evra & Anderson in particular have suddenly regained everything that made them so brilliant last season and it couldn't of come at a better time. We're now playing the best stuff we have all season.

8. It Aint Over Till it's Over – To be completely honest, this match was over after 8 minutes. Once Arsene Wengers latest pre-pubescent halfcast left back had fallen on his arse the gig was up for Arsenal. By the time Ronaldo had rocketed the ball past England's No1 from somewhere in the away stand the whole contest was dead, buried and already fertilizing the plants around the Emirates. None of this stopped me from being constantly nervous however. I was still biting my nails convinced it wasn't over until the 3rd went in. I knew it was over of course, but I couldn't bring my self to celebrate until the fat lady had taken her applause, left the arena and was tucking into her 3rd Big Mac in a motorway service station in Rochester. Is anyone else like this or am I just a hopeless worrier?

9. Why So Serious? – Rio Ferdinand is the most miserable person to interview after a game. No matter how joyous the occasion, he always looks like he's about to viciously murder the interviewer which is odd since he's always the most over zealous player in post goal celebrations. He seems to have perfected a sort of deranged moody scowl that he presumably thinks looks broody and mysterious but in fact just makes him look like a platypus with a cold sore eating something that doesn't agree with him.

10. The Beautiful game – So the neutrals have got what many of them wanted. Manchester United vs Barcelona is the showpiece game to end all showpiece games. Manchester United vs Barcelona in the European Cup final is simply the game to end all games. It's pretty unlikely it will live up to the massive expectations already attached to it but it's the dream final and one which will see he fantastic four up against the thrilling threesome. Mouthwatering stuff but the greatest thing is that we have absolutely nothing to fear from them. Chelsea deserved to go through. No two ways about it. Despite the quite ridiculous way their players conducted themselves they were robbed. And that makes it all the better for me because if we go to Rome and show the greatest team in the world elect up the way that Chelsea have done then there will be no doubt in anyone's mind. No posturing from the Spanish press. No drooling from the lazy journalists in the intellectual papers in England. No excuses. No regrets. Some things are priceless, for everything else there's Manchester United.

Mockney · May 11, 2009

Carlitos Way - 10 Things I noticed (Man Utd vs Man City)

10 Things I noticed from Manchester United vs Manchester City

1. Do The Right Thing – Should you ever find yourself sitting directly opposite someone employed by The News of The World, the 'right thing to do' is obvious. It's more of an instinctive reaction than a decision and all though your hand may hurt in the morning (or your knee, foot, or any other extremity able to generate a suitable amount of power) you'll have an immense sense of pride and achievement. It'll be a bit like taking copious amounts of Crystal Meth in order to give yourself enough strength and reckless abandon to enable you to save a bus load of children from a burning orphanage. You'll hurt come the morning, but you'll have done the world a valuable service. The 'wrong thing' to do however would be to open your mouth in any capacity, unless it was to burp in their general direction. Carlos Tevez made this crucial mistake and unfortunately – and unusually for him – words came spewing out. Talking to the News of The Screws will leave you with an awful sense of guilt and remorse. It'll be a bit like driving a bus load of children directly into the wall of an orphanage whilst carrying a dangerous amount of flammable liquids & combustable materials on board. The only thing to do to redeem yourself would be to take copious amounts of Crystal Meth and dive in to save them. Carlos Tevez had to do the footballing equivalent yesterday and redeem his error with an explosive performance. Thankfully he did this. Some credit however should go to his manager for starting him in the first place. Many managers would have dropped a player after an outburt like this (or given Fergie's track record, sold them) but Alex saw past the rather self indulgent complaining to the passion that lurked beneath. Playing him was the best thing to do The Right thing. “Alright then son, put your money were your mouth is!!” and he did...A glorious goal, a wonderful effort off the bar and a bizarre diving header into the post combined with several lovely dribbles where he actually managed to keep the ball for a change saw Senor Boglin deliver one of his most significant contributions this season. Fergie, Sign him Up.

2. Ears Looking at you Kid – His Celebration was a bit of a worry though. Not the right thing to do. Certainly if it was directed at anyone at the club. Maybe he was just reasurring us that he could hear properly after the hair drying Fergie gave him. Whatever it was, The usual shirt flapping demetia would of sufficed.

3. A Game of Two Halves – The first half was magnificent. 2 goals, a great, swaggering team performance, some lovely passing and movement. The 2nd half was a training match. Almost nothing happened of note on the pitch in the 2nd 45 minutes. Tevez demonstrated how little he cared for his looks by throwing himself at a post. Robinho skied City's best effort & Rafael tried to dribble round the entire city team. Anything else?

4. You don't know what you've got till it's Gone – I'm beginning to think we'll miss Fletcher more and more should we be without his services in Rome. He's been without doubt our best player this month. He was excellent again yesterday. Not funny, or particularly interesting, but true.

5. Your so Vain...You probably think this Thread is about you – Ronaldo's tantrum was guarenteed to occupy the back pages today. Maybe he just realized Tevez was going to grab the headlines and thought he better do something about it. After all, his profile could do with raising a bit. Maybe he was just so passionate about the day that he felt being handed a blue tracksuit on Derby day was a grave insult. Maybe Fergie had told him his hair looked a bit shit and he should go an sort it out. Who knows? What I do know is that Rooney has done a similar thing for club & country countless times and it never receives anything like the attention. Rooney's tantrums get put down to 'passion' and 'commitment'. Why is Ronaldo's one an only tantrum different? Well because his attitude stinks, he hates Manchester United and is off to Madrid clearly. Damned when you do, damned when you don't.

6. Bend it Like Beckham – I'd like to know how Ronnie's free kick to goal ratio stands up against Becks. In his first few seasons we were longing for the consistency of Golden Nads, but he seems to be getting them on target more and more often now-a-days. I used to hope more than expect but now I'm getting the same excitement when he lines one up as I did when David used to. He must be getting close to Beckham. Becks scored 24 Goals for United from free Kicks..(which must be a record) Whats Ronnie on now? Anyone?

7. Hey, You, get out of my Crowd – Kia Joorabchin obviously thinks he's so important the TV cameras would be trained on him constantly, ready to lip read his every word. Maybe you should wear Tin Foil on your head to stop them stealing your thoughts as well Kia? Or maybe you should feck Off.

8. Handy Andy – Starting his bid to become a successful post-career pundit yesterday was the artist formerly known as Andy. Possibly feeling like someone who's come slightly over dressed to a cocktail party and rather inappropriately wearing a light blue 3 piece, Coley did battle with the words and trousers of Jamie Redknapp in convincing style yesterday. He knew what he was on about and gave a good insight into the strikers craft in the Arsenal/Chelsea game. His only stumbling block is that his voice isn't as clear and concise as some other pundits, which is an important thing for a pundit, or indeed anyone hoping to make a career in Television. He often sounds like he's speaking through a hankerchief whilst eating a bag of liquorice allsorts. Good luck to him though. I'd rather hear his opinions than most on Sky or Setanta and it would be great to have him replace his old nemesis Alan Shearer on MoTD. If all this fails, at least he's guarenteed a place on MUTV. Considering the dire state of punditry on there, he'd be a breath of fresh air. Maybe he could do a DIY show? Handy Andy? - Cole, Cole, Andy Andy Cole, he gets a wall and drills a hole, Andy Andy Cole.

9. Killing Me Softly - My last real point isn't from the match itself, but from the Caf reaction to it. I've kept out of the ridiculous Berba / Tevez debate, and have generally kept my opinions on Berbatov to myself for the most part. However something really worrying is happening to me. I'm gripped by the uncontrolable urge to criticize him! Not really of course, during a match I'm 100% behind the lad, but on the Caf my instinct is to lament the poor fella and there's a reason for it. The reason is that some folks on here are wildly over exaggerating his contributions in a weird attempt to balance out the people criticizing him. While I'm all for this in moderation, I find myself looking in todays ratings threads to find 8s & 9s awarded for his performance. I'm looking in the MoTM thread to find countless people putting his name forward. I'm looking in Tevez threads to find people needlessly posting 'yeah, but wasn't Berba's assist magical'. It's like I've stumbled into a 13 year olds bedroom with Berbatov posters all over his wall and no matter what I'm trying to talk to him about he's determined to talk to me about Berbatov. Yesterday Berbatov's contribution was minimal, but effective. He had the sort of game I would have liked to have been calling a 'typical' Berbatov performance at the start of the season. His assist was lovely but it didn't make the goal, Tevez was still 25 yards out with a defender in his way. He performed a lovely bit of skill by the touchline in the 2nd but it didn't come off, went out for a corner & came to nothing (see!! This is what I mean, I'm criticizing this for no other reason than to point out it's insignificance! - I don't want too cos it was lovely. Aaarrrgggh) He kept the ball well but never threatened. Someone quite rightly pointed out that if he'd done what Tevez had (1 goal 2 shots off the woodwork) he'd be getting a 10 from some people. Please please stop this because it's daft and it's making me want to pick holes in a player I like just to try and restore some sense of perspective & objectivity. It's killing me....Softly.

10. I Love it when a plan comes together - If we win at Wigan, we can win the league at Home to Arsenal next week before Liverpool play again. Without wanting to count my chickens, I can see this happening. Wigan don't have anything particularly to play for and Arsenal seem to have completely melted since we beat them last week. Hopefully we can wrap the league up with a Home Win for once (I can't remember if we've done it since 99 to be honest) and then wrap Roo & Ron in cotton wool, bubble wrap and cling film untill we meet Barca on the 27th. But footballs a funny ol' game. Fingers Crossed!

Mockney · May 19, 2009

Barely Legal - 18 At Last - 10 Things I noticed (Man Utd vs Arsenal)

I said this would be bumper after I missed the Wigan game.....Be Warned

10 Things I noticed from Manchester United vs Arsenal

1. You Can't Always Get What You Want – I'm a greedy bastard to be honest. We've just won the title, at home and equaled Liverpool's record of 18 (or as I'd rather put it, no team has now won more titles than us) and theres me being just a little bit underwhelmed by it all. I'm ecstatic of course, the League title is the trophy to win, nothing beats it, but it was just that the game on Saturday seemed like a bit of an anti climax to me. Certainly after the run we'd been on. Lets be honest, that was probably the worst United – Arsenal game in 20 years. It's pretty hard to notice 10 things in a match where pretty much nothing happened. When Fergie said it was the longest 90 minutes in history he was right, but for the wrong reason. Time flies when your having fun....it wheezes pathetically along when your bored.
Maybe I'm just spoiled. Maybe it was because we only needed a point and not 3. But whatever it was there just felt like something was slightly missing for me. The Wigan game felt more important than this one. That felt like the game where we actually won the title. This was a weird sort of match. Rather like a bad exhibition game where both teams have been forced to turn up against their will for a cause they don't believe in. I'm probably being wildly over critical but I am supposed to be reviewing the match itself and I was hoping for some kind of triumphant moment from it. It's only the second time we've been able to win the league & collect the trophy at home in all our 11 PL title winning seasons. In my dreams I was hoping for a Tony Adams moment. You remember the one. When the old drunken donkey scored the 4th against Everton in 1998 with a crisp volley in the last minute to seal the title for Arsenal. After loosing to West Ham on trophy day in 2007 I hoped the team would put on a display worthy of Champions this time...oh well. I know this sounds like the whinings of someone who doesn't know how good they have it, but I can't help it...I just felt a little relieved when the whistle blew rather than jubilant...Sorry, thats a mightily depressing first one isn't it!

2. Breaking up is hard to do – To be fair, it was never about the game itself today. OT was in celebratory mode from the kick off. The one thing there was to notice during an awful game was the substitution of Carlos Tevez. I don't think I've ever heard a reaction like that at OT. In fact I'd struggle to think of a reaction like that in any match. When his number was raised OT roared in disapproval. It was quite incredible. Maybe the fact that the league looked done and dusted had caused some fans to be as spoiled and greedy as me in forgetting that we weren't actually playing an exhibition match (despite the apparent evidence to the contrary on show) and actually still needed a result. Maybe they too wanted that grand stand, triumphant moment to remember and thought Carlos would be the most appropriate surrogate Adams. As weird as it was I understand the sentiments. However he was playing pretty poorly and we needed a change. The fact that the 5 minute mega mix of Tevez' songs which followed his removal was only interrupted when his replacement, Park, scored, would surely have brought a smile to Fergie's face, and those who didn't join in the boos, even if the effort was wrongly ruled out for offside.

3. Radio Gaga – For the first time in donkeys years (no, not 1998, although thats probably a fair guess to be honest) I listened to a small portion of this match on the radio. I never listen to football on the radio for 2 reasons. 1) being that I have access to a plethora of moving image receptacles and 2) being that it's the most frustratingly infernal experience you can get out of football aside from watching England. England on the radio is partially preferable to genital torture. The problem I have with it is that the commentators are so willing to ramp up the excitement that they wildly over exaggerate everything thats happening. Their voices get higher and higher and louder and louder the farther away the ball gets from the center circle, but it doesn't necessarily mean that anything particularly interesting is actually happening. I had to make do with 909 for the first 10 minutes of the 2nd half after getting stuck in traffic on the way to a pub and from what I was listening to, the game seemed like a magnificent advert for attacking football. Imagine my surprise then to find, on reaching the pub, that the 2nd half was in fact just as drab as the first. Bastards. It doesn't help the blood pressure either I can tell you.

4. Tragedy – So Macheda doesn't get a medal. That's a bit of a travesty in my book. The lad may have tipped the scales in our favor with his winner against Villa. His two winners amounted to 6 points instead of 2, which, if all the subsequent results had stayed the same, may not have been enough. It wouldn't be wrapped up now at any rate. And thats not even taking the Butterfly Effect into account. It's all irrelevant now of course, and the what ifs are best left to Rafa to frustrate himself with in a shed somewhere, but regardless of how many games he played, he had a sizable impact on our title challenge and deserves recognition for it. I can just see him becoming a Trivial Pursuit question!

5. I'm Ready For My Close Up Mr. Ne-Ville – Why. Oh why oh why, does Sky, or anyone else for that matter, persist with stupid camera angles for Trophy lifting ceremonies. We don't want to see up Gary Neville's nose when he's lifting the Premier League Trophy. We also don't want to see a 3rd of the trophy itself, a fraction of the accompanying fireworks and none of the other players celebrating. I'm all for innovation but a Trophy Lift should always be framed with as many members of the team in shot and the lifter himself central in the frame. After having watched our glorious 3rd European Cup lifted from a sideways angle after UEFA cleverly decided the team should be standing over a precipice for the all important moment, on Saturday, and last year at Wigan, we had to make do with a bizarre whooshing up from underneath maneuver which was utterly pointless and gave the viewers at home no sense of the excitement felt around the ground. Pointless bollocks. Your not auditioning to direct the next Lock Stock, Stop it.

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The Things MockneyRevil Noticed 2008/2009

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year

Mockney

Not the only poster to be named Poster of the Year