As we all know, Ronaldo was a one man team, effortlessly pushing a mediocre side towards glory on the back of his own brilliance and tiny pants. However, those who are worried about the impact his loss will have should fear no more. After a cracking first season in which he won plaudits the world over, Dimitar Berbatov will step up to the spoon and ease our transition this year whilst reaching even greater heights.
Lets ease our worry by coming up with a plethora of reasons why Berbatov is better..
I will start with 10, lets try and get it to 100...The Newbies did it in a day and I only gave them 5 to start with. You're better than the Newbies aren't you?
Before we start. This is Peter Stormare.
And we're off...
1. He doesn't Run, He Walks - You can't run before you can walk. Well you probably can but you'll fall over. BerbaGoal know this. Why expend good energy running about. Walk, it's better
2. He doesn't like Hot Places - Manchester is cold and wet. We all know this is the only reason all top class superstars don't play for us. BerbaSkill is from Bulgaria. As we know, all Eastern bloc/Baltic countries are cold. We also know from Hollywood films that they are all grey, war torn, derelict no mans lands, populated entirely by people in head scarves drinking Vodka in fingerless gloves. Also, Peter Stormare lives in all of them. As such, BerbaTrick will never leave us.
3. He isn't made of Wood - As good as Ronaldo is, he is still made of wood. He needs the constant application of Ronseal Quick Dry and WoodStain in order to maintain his proficiency. BerbaNet needs no such maintenance, he is made of Steel and Dreams.
4. He won't stifle Rooney - As we all know, Ronny Wood selfishly bent the team to his whim. As a result our feted man child was forced to play in Central Defence, limiting his creative output considerably. Berbatov has no impact on Wayne Rooney what so ever.
5. He isn't named after Ronald Reagan - He isn't. Score one BerbaTouch
6. He has won Bulgarian Footballer of The Year 5 Times - Ronaldo has yet to win it once
7. He hasn't Won the PFA Player Of The Year Award - These are always wrong. David Ginola won in '99 and Ryan Giggs won this year. Neither were the best player that season. Therefore it is quite clear that the best players don't win this award. Ipso facto the players who do win it clearly aren't as good as the players who don't. BerbaFlair hasn't, Ronaldo has. Q.E.D BerbaTop is better
8. He Doesn't Dream - Ronaldo constantly dreams of varyingly different things. BerbaClass doesn't dream because BerbaFang doesn't sleep. He is a child of the night. This is why he always looks pale, and possibly why he's often too tired to run.
9. He has Never Been Voted Gay Times Sexiest Man Alive - Ronaldo Has. The sheer pressure of knowing you are the sexiest man alive in the eyes of other men would become a strain on any man forced to work (and bathe) constantly with other men. Cases in point, Wigan Away & the Manchester Derby at OT last season. These petulant displays were clearly the actions of a man crippled by the burden of the tag 'Gay Times Sexiest Man Alive'. BerbaCharm does not have these profound feelings of anguish. Nor will his beauty affect the performances of the other players.
10. With Berbatov only some things are Polemic - With Ronaldo, everything is polemic
OK now you go.....
Lets ease our worry by coming up with a plethora of reasons why Berbatov is better..
I will start with 10, lets try and get it to 100...The Newbies did it in a day and I only gave them 5 to start with. You're better than the Newbies aren't you?
Before we start. This is Peter Stormare.
And we're off...
1. He doesn't Run, He Walks - You can't run before you can walk. Well you probably can but you'll fall over. BerbaGoal know this. Why expend good energy running about. Walk, it's better
2. He doesn't like Hot Places - Manchester is cold and wet. We all know this is the only reason all top class superstars don't play for us. BerbaSkill is from Bulgaria. As we know, all Eastern bloc/Baltic countries are cold. We also know from Hollywood films that they are all grey, war torn, derelict no mans lands, populated entirely by people in head scarves drinking Vodka in fingerless gloves. Also, Peter Stormare lives in all of them. As such, BerbaTrick will never leave us.
3. He isn't made of Wood - As good as Ronaldo is, he is still made of wood. He needs the constant application of Ronseal Quick Dry and WoodStain in order to maintain his proficiency. BerbaNet needs no such maintenance, he is made of Steel and Dreams.
4. He won't stifle Rooney - As we all know, Ronny Wood selfishly bent the team to his whim. As a result our feted man child was forced to play in Central Defence, limiting his creative output considerably. Berbatov has no impact on Wayne Rooney what so ever.
5. He isn't named after Ronald Reagan - He isn't. Score one BerbaTouch
6. He has won Bulgarian Footballer of The Year 5 Times - Ronaldo has yet to win it once
7. He hasn't Won the PFA Player Of The Year Award - These are always wrong. David Ginola won in '99 and Ryan Giggs won this year. Neither were the best player that season. Therefore it is quite clear that the best players don't win this award. Ipso facto the players who do win it clearly aren't as good as the players who don't. BerbaFlair hasn't, Ronaldo has. Q.E.D BerbaTop is better
8. He Doesn't Dream - Ronaldo constantly dreams of varyingly different things. BerbaClass doesn't dream because BerbaFang doesn't sleep. He is a child of the night. This is why he always looks pale, and possibly why he's often too tired to run.
9. He has Never Been Voted Gay Times Sexiest Man Alive - Ronaldo Has. The sheer pressure of knowing you are the sexiest man alive in the eyes of other men would become a strain on any man forced to work (and bathe) constantly with other men. Cases in point, Wigan Away & the Manchester Derby at OT last season. These petulant displays were clearly the actions of a man crippled by the burden of the tag 'Gay Times Sexiest Man Alive'. BerbaCharm does not have these profound feelings of anguish. Nor will his beauty affect the performances of the other players.
10. With Berbatov only some things are Polemic - With Ronaldo, everything is polemic
OK now you go.....
