If you were manager of Manchester United...

[ciderman9000000]

...what would you do?

Say you'd just been appointed a SAF's replacement, what would you do if you were in charge?

The caf knows best, right? It's up to other posters to decide whether or not you get the sack based upon your suggestions; get an arbitrary number of callings for the sack and you're immediately shown the door.

How would you handle the Rooney situation? Who would you transfer in/out? What tactics would you employ? etc.

Try to be realistic because unrealistic suggestions might get you the sack. You might also get the sack for being too realistic in your approach though, so be warned.

 

[jdmufc]

I'd sign up to the Caf and call you a cnut.

 

[ciderman9000000]

I'd sign up to the Caf and call you a cnut.

Bad PR move.

You ought to be sacked.

 

[Werder Herzog]

Firstly i would help Anderson fullfill his potential by locking the canteen doors before and after training.

 

[Hernandez - BFA]

Firstly i would help Anderson fullfill his potential by locking the canteen doors before and after training.

So far so good.

Edit: tell you what, I would even offer you an 8 year extended contract after that move.

 

[Dirty Schwein]

1. Make Giggs a player/assistant coach
2. Ask Gary Neville if he wants to be a part of the setup
3. Steal some merchandise

 

[Rado_N]

Speak out about the owners, be sacked on the spot but be loved by the fans, which let's face it is what really matters.

 

[Solskjaer20]

As much as I'd like to keep a player of Rooney's quality, I reckon it would be bad for team spirit in the long term keeping him on. Better on sell him for 35-40 million and buy Thiago and Lewandowski while Anderson must stay as a squad player.

Kagawa will take the attacking midfielder spot.

If Nani doesn't sign a contract, that's him sold as well, and with Zaha coming in we could see how it works out before signing another winger. No other squad changes other than Fabio coming back for right and left back cover and loaning Angelo Henriquez out to Hull City

 

[Ish]

Let's try this:

- Bring in my own assistant manager, plus a couple of other backroom staff I deem necessary, even if it means letting go of some/all of SAF's coaches

- Sell Rooney to the highest bidder
- Sell Young, Anderson but try & keep Nani (whilst not planning around Fletcher's return - bonus if he does)

Try and sign:
- One of McCarthy/Wanyama as a cheaper, squad/backup option for Carrick/midfield

- One of Gundogan, Thiago, Modric, Dembele, Herrera, Verratti (try and work out a deal if Rooney goes the other way) to re-inforce our midfield to partner Carrick (not too keen on Fellaini and Strootman I've not seen enough of - neither have my scouts )

- A quality attacker/winger on the left with the Rooney budget - maybe in the Muniain, di Maria mould (bale won't be sold, Rodriguez seem Monaco bound, Isco's Madrid bound)

- another versatile attacker (cheap option) in the place of Young - I like the look of that Mirallas bloke.

am I the only person playing Cider's FM game? sniff sniff

 

[londonredmaniac]

I'd draft in Gary Neville as my number 2.

Sit down with Rooney and get down to the bottom of what his beef is. See how the boy feels. If at the end of that chat he couldn't say 'I 100% want this shirt' I'd agree to sell him...ut make it clear he wont be going to any of our rivals.

Anderson would go, I've always been supportive of Ashley Young but I just don't think he is quite the level...if a decent offer came in I'd accept. I'd keep hold of Nani, give him the pre season and try to get his confidence back. Give him a run of games.

I'd get Januzaj involved in the first team...splurge a wedge on Gareth Bale, Thiago and Matic.

Send Powell on loan to Hull if I can...with Michael Keane. Thorpe off to the championship for a loan along with Lingard and Cole. Petrucci possibly over to Ajax and take advantage of that partnership...possibly use Vermijl as a back up RB.

I'd tell Phil Jones he is a fecking centre back...and have a word to see if Beckham fancied a coaching role so he could teach our fecking wingers how to cross a fecking football.

I'd crack open a bottle of red with Fergie after the first home game and have a wee chat.

If it didn't work I'd press reset and start the season all over again with a money cheat...

 

[jdmufc]

after I'd called cider a cnut I'd go and buy a sheepskin coat.

 

[Scrumpet]

I would sack Eric Steele and Mike Phelan, and I would enjoy it.

 

[Varun]

1> Sell Rooney abroad
2> Extend Nani's contract
3> Break the bank for Bale and Thiago.
4> Sign a backup for Carrick
5> Appoint Giggs player/Asst Mgr.
6> Play Kagawa behind RVp for majority of the games with Nani and Bale out wide
7> mention the caf praisingly in an interview to win over all you cnuts

 

[marjen]

I'd kill David Moyes first and foremost, and try to look as much like him as possible.

 

[Rowem]

I'd follow the pearls of wisdom of the internet footballing intellectuals.

First step: Get rid of virtually every player we have. "Old school" English players are first on the list to go.

Second step: Buy loads of small, technical players who play really cool passing football.

 

[Annahnomoss]

Solskjaer Approved.

 

[lem8sh]

Buy a team of Nathan Dyers, so cute.

 

[LawCharltonBest]

Sign Ronaldo or Bale and take it easy like AVB and Mourinho can.

 

[marjen]

I'd employ Andy Serkis as assistant manager, and then resign and leave the post to whom it was originally intended, David Moyes.

Then I'd sit back with a smirk on my face, along with Eric Steele and Mike Phelan, and laugh while the sheer mayhem erupted, no-one really knowing who's who of the assistant and the manager.

 

[OnlyTwoDaSilvas]

Rooney would be offered a 3 year extension £120k p/w take it or leave it contract, so since he already has 2 years left, it guarantees another 5 years of Rooney if he signs. I would then have absolutely no interest whether or not he took it or left it. Regardless of him staying or leaving, I would push for Bale and a steely, dynamic midfielder to partner Carrick.

Powell, Henriquez, Januzaj and Cole would get loans at good teams where it is promised they will play plenty. I will make sure of it. I'll be very threatening and physically imposing. Might even get someone in a headlock so they know I'm not fecking about. I won't let go until I'm promised each of them will get a minimum of 25 games.

I'd ask Nani to stay. I'll apologise that Fergie kept yelling at him and thought he was shit, and I'll make him feel valued, with an arm around the shoulder and all that soft bollocks. I think he'd stay. I'll put him on the right and everything. Bale on the left.

Boot camp for Ando and Cleverley. Ando needs to burn off some flab and Cleverley needs to toughen up. I say boot camp, though it's more just getting chased around a field by dogs.

Giggs would be player/assistant. He'd never play in central midfield again.

 

[Ruud10]

Ridiculous thread.

 

[kafta]

1- Sell Rooney
2- Sell young and anderson, renew nani's contract
3- Appoint Ole as my assistant
4- Try and strengthen the midfield with gundogan and/or thiago
5- Buy one wide player, maybe someone young n' lernin
6- Keep the backroom staff, and try and give gary neville a coaching role
7- Bring back John O'shea to mentor Phil Jones

 

[KiD MoYeS]

Tap up Bale.

Sell Rooney.

Buy a midfielder.

Appoint Ferguson as my assistant.

 

[OnlyTwoDaSilvas]

Ridiculous thread.

Just a bit of fun, innit?

 

[ghaliboy]

Buy out and out ball winning midfielder.

 

[KiD MoYeS]

Buy Gareth Barry, log onto Caf', :bagofpopcorn:

 

[Ole's_toe_poke]

I'd have an affair with a staff member's missus.

 

[gza the genius]

1> Sell Rooney abroad
2> Extend Nani's contract
3> Break the bank for Bale and Thiago.
4> Sign a backup for Carrick
5> Appoint Giggs player/Asst Mgr.
6> Play Kagawa behind RVp for majority of the games with Nani and Bale out wide
7> mention the caf praisingly in an interview to win over all you cnuts

This is almost exactly what I would do. I would also try to get Luke Shaw in and use Fabio as backup for right back. If we're getting more specific I'd probably also get rid of Anderson and one of Young/Valencia. Fletcher wouldn't be considered in any of my plans. Macheda, Bebe, Buttner, etc can leave as well.

 

[OnlyTwoDaSilvas]

I'd have an affair with a staff member's missus.

Just sign that Chelsea medic and make her do what you want.

 

[Cina]

I would make Nani the captain, build the team around him, rename the Stretford End the Nani End, I would sell Anderson for whatever the feck I could and use the profits to build a statue of Nani out front.

But hey, that's just me.

 

[Annihilate Now!]

First and foremost, I'd make myself part of the actual squad, give myself a shirt number (probably 69 'cos it's mega funny) and implement a policy to bring myself on for the last minute(s) of any game in which we are winning by 3 goals or more.

From there, I'd sell half the actual squad and buy Dortmund.

After our tiring, but worthwhile pre-season tour of Gabon, In my first press conference, I'd single out Daniel Taylor and call him a cnut.

This will all build to a cracking Charity Shield vs. Wigan, which I will bill as the most important game in the clubs history. Before the match I would calmly ask the players to do this one for the fans, and when they're losing 1-0 at half time, i'll assertively ask them Where the passion is, lads?

After Wigan win 3-0, I'd criticise the squad and buy Maloney, and Jean Bossejeur.

 

[Annihilate Now!]

I would make Nani the captain, build the team around him, rename the Stretford End the Nani End, I would sell Anderson for whatever the feck I could and use the profits to build a statue of Nani out front.

But hey, that's just me.

Nani-end sounds like an insult.

You massive Nani-end

 

[Cina]

Nani-end sounds like an insult.

You massive Nani-end

Fine, the Nani Stand.

feck, it's difficult to put his name in front of things without them sounding insulting. Why must he always do this to me?

 

[Moriarty]

Re-sign Ted MacDougall

 

[Irwinwastheking]

So far jd is winning and ruud is losing.

 

[Rado_N]

Ridiculous thread.

You need to stop being so jovial and lighthearted and take things more seriously.

 

[Ruud10]

You need to stop being so jovial and lighthearted and take things more seriously.

Don't we talk about what the manager should do every single day here?

Buy Ronaldo, sell Ando and so on.

There are so many more things that managers "do" than just pick players that's it's literally ridiculous to focus on that as what we should do if we were United manager.

But I do like Ole's suggestion of having an affair with a staff member's missus. There's no better way to assert your authority over the club than that!

 

[Woodzy]

I'd retire before my first game so I could retire undefeated. Suck on that, Fergie.