On a light note: Jose Mourinho's 13 funniest quotes

[GM K]

In this season of being depressed about United's frustrating performances in the EPL, it might be a good idea to lighten up a bit.

I found this piece really funny. An argument can be made against Jose being the best manager in the world but very few people can argue against him being one of the most controversial and entertaining managers in modern football. These quotes say most things about Jose the man, the manager and the media showman.

I have posted a few of the quotes below.

'Jose Mourinho's 13 funniest quotes, after he claims Man United "cannot walk from the bed to the toilet without breaking a leg" - Mirror Online
http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/row-zed/jose-mourinhos-13-funniest-quotes-10332693


On criticism of his playing style while Inter Milan boss
“It’s not important how we play. If you have a Ferrari and I have a small car, to beat you in a race I have to break your wheel or put sugar in your tank.”


On lack of funds available to him to improve his Chelsea squad, 2007
“It is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem.”


On conspiracies (or facts)
"The circumstances are difficult for us with the new football rules that we have to face. It is not possible to have a penalty against Manchester United and it is not possible to have penalties in favour of Chelsea. It is not a conspiracy, it is fact. I speak facts. If not, I need big glasses.”


On God
“He must really think I’m a great guy. He must think that, because otherwise He would not have given me so much. I have a great family. I work in a place where I’ve always dreamt of working. He has helped me out so much that He must have a very high opinion of me.”

 

[Fracture90]

Toilet one was hilarious

 

[Globule]

I can't remember if he was referring to a specific incident, but for me that waiting on the bus quote is a key insight into his whole managerial philosophy. The team comes above all else (except him, you could probably argue). And that's exactly what we've seen this season when he's thrown players under the bus. Some agree with him, others not so much, but wherever you stand on it, he's doing it because he sees it as being the best move for the long-term interests of the team. Same with his tactics - some say he's defensive, but you could just as easily point to a group of players that are sacrificing their own game for the greater good of the team. Obviously his methods sometimes backfire when he brushes one too many up the wrong way, but if he can instill in our players the sense of unity that his first Chelsea team had I can only see him succeeding here.

Apart from that, those quotes mainly prove that he's a fan of really awkward metaphors.

 

[Moonwalker]

“It’s not important how we play. If you have a Ferrari and I have a small car, to beat you in a race I have to break your wheel or put sugar in your tank.”

I wonder what made him change his mind on that, to become the swashbuckling entertainer he is today.

 

[Jazz]

Those quotes are great!

Didn't realise he said this:

Man United "cannot walk from the bed to the toilet without breaking a leg"

 

[Skills]

I wonder what made him change his mind on that, to become the swashbuckling entertainer he is today.

 

[Crossie]

There's a Wikipedia page with Mourinho quotes per year. https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/José_Mourinho


The most hilarious, most 'José' quote is IMHO this one from 2004:

If I wanted to have an easy job I would have stayed at Porto. Beautiful blue chair, the UEFA Champions League trophy, God, and after God, me.

 

[RU Devil]

Funny stuff. The one about Rafa's wife was a bit below the belt, but hilarious anyway.

Looking at the gifs on that article, I wish he'd re-grow his hair & bring back the stylish wardrobe. Seemed to enjoy the game more, instead of looking so damned grumpy/frumpy.

 

[anver]

Was it 2005? We were within touching distance from table leaders Chelsea. Reporter asked Jose: Are you worried? Jose: About the sighting of the Loch Ness monster? No. No. We are too far away for me to worry about that.

 

[anver]

I also remember some quips about his dog. Cant recall what he said.

 

[LeftyBlaster]

The FSW one

 

[Saad K]

I also remember some quips about his dog. Cant recall what he said.

"My wife is in Portugal with the dog. The dog is with my wife so the city of London is safe, the big threat is away. [After his Yorkshire Terrier had issues with customs."

 

[Earthquake]

The one about Rafa's wife was a bit below the belt,

Like his stomach.

 

[2 man midfield]

On Newcastle’s time-wasting tactics

"You may as well put a cow in the middle of the pitch, walking. And then stop the game because there was a cow."

 

[2 man midfield]

On his managerial philosophy

"I would rather play with 10 men than wait for a player who is late for the bus."

This actually makes a bizarre amount of sense.

 

[2 man midfield]

On a Crystal Palace ball boy who took too long to give the ball back

"One day somebody will punch you."

This might be the best of the lot

 

[Verbalkint]

Funny stuff. The one about Rafa's wife was a bit below the belt, but hilarious anyway.

I liked this one the best

Wives are so commonly picked on, man. I remember some of the stuff Glenn McGrath got to hear about his wife..he was always sledging players and boy did they give it back to him or what !

Eddo Brandes tore him a new one, google it..hilarious !

 

[GM K]

Was it 2005? We were within touching distance from table leaders Chelsea. Reporter asked Jose: Are you worried? Jose: About the sighting of the Loch Ness monster? No. No. We are too far away for me to worry about that.

 

[Random Task]

There is many a truth said in jest.

An Intelligent and genuinely funny guy is our Jose.