By strange destiny you become the owner of United. What would you do?

Discussion in 'Manchester United Forum' started by Member 93275, May 17, 2019.

  1. May 17, 2019
    #1

    Member 93275 Guest

    You fall in love and marry someone who turns out to be a multi-billionaire, but unfortunately dies under tragic circumstances, leaving you the fortune. To console yourself, you buy United as a toy. You are now the owner of Manchester United. What would you do?

    Rules: You have plenty of money left but cannot break financial fair play rules. But it's United, not City or Chelsea, you have plenty of natural income. You can cheat a little by building fancy youth facilities, etc., or having vague business schemes to pay more to the players, but at the risk of getting transfer or CL bans. Also in the long term it must break even and then become profitable to become self-sustaining because you also need to maintain your own island and boats and so on.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2019
  2. May 17, 2019
    #2

    Grylte "nothing wrong with some friendly incest, bro"

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    Have a wank.
  3. May 17, 2019
    #3

    Offside Euro 2016 sweepstake winner

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    Wank.
  4. May 17, 2019
    #4

    The Cat Doesn't know his own mobile number

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    Buy Liverpool and City sell all their players to pay for it and turn them into feeder clubs.
  5. May 17, 2019
    #5

    Henrik Larsson Still logged in at RAWK (help!)

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    That's what I would do as well. And then I'd have a wank.
  6. May 17, 2019
    #6

    Hal9000 Full Member

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    Sack Woodward. Shit in his handbag.

    Then have a wank.
  7. May 17, 2019
    #7

    Moriarty Full Member

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    A wife and a cat.
    Me too, only I'd pay a £1000 a night prozzie to do the latter for me.
  8. May 17, 2019
    #8

    Reddy Rederson New Member

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    Sack wooward, judge and every other cnut that has taken us from 1st to dogshit over the past 6/7 years.
  9. May 17, 2019
    #9

    Zlatattack Full Member

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    1. Become player-owner.
    2. Spend like it's Fifa on cheat mode.
  10. May 17, 2019
    #10

    Ian Reus Ended 14 years of Grand National sweepstakes

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    Sell to the Saudis for a small profit.
  11. May 17, 2019
    #11

    Zlatattack Full Member

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    i was going to say that, just thought of it. might as well use my billions to make the world a better place rather than fund a football club.

    or maybe buy liverpool and then sign Moyes as the manager.
  12. May 17, 2019
    #12

    Ian Reus Ended 14 years of Grand National sweepstakes

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    Yes, yes.
    Maybe even offer to take over citeh and install Allardyce. Back to their level they go.
  13. May 17, 2019
    #13

    Andycoleno9 Full Member

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    Imagine a fan who is member of Caf being an owner of the club. You read all these threads day after day and one day you say; feck you all, now you will see what i can do.
    Then you Hire back Jose or Moyes. Give new contracts to Lingard, Jones, Young and Alexis with Jones as new captain. Then you make a thread; " Are you entertained? "
  14. May 17, 2019
    #14

    Wumminator The Special One!

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    Obertans #1 fan.
    Sell the club back to Linda Block
  15. May 17, 2019
    #15

    Valar Morghulis Full Member

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    Get a loan against the value of the club. Buy an NFL Franchise. Put a banker in charge of football operations. Donate funds to Trump 2020.

    Edit: Forgot the wank.
    Last edited: May 17, 2019
  16. May 17, 2019
    #16

    Flytan Full Member

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    Fire Woodward.

    Sell Young.

    Sell the club.
  17. May 17, 2019
    #17

    the chameleon Full Member

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    And then have a wank.
  18. May 17, 2019
    #18

    El General 1994 Full Member

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    Get Paul Mitchell.
  19. May 17, 2019
    #19

    iammemphis iwillnotaskforanamechangeagain

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    Buy all the english wonderkids at u19s, u18s, u17s and u16s. I would offer them extortionate wages that they wouldn’t be able to say no.

    Then i would offer De Ligt, Wan Bissaka and Sancho insane wages and promise to build the club around them and let de ligt move to Barca or Real in 6/7 years time. I would also sign Dele Alli, Son and Alderwiereld.

    Sell Lukaku, Sanchez, Matic, Jones, Darmian, Rojo.

    Then hire Pottechino.

    Move Woodward back to where he was best, getting sponsership deals.




    Then have a wank.
  20. May 17, 2019
    #20

    BrianMcClair'sBarnet New Member

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    Sack Woodward while having a wank.
  21. May 17, 2019
    #21

    Aloysius's Back 3 New Member

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    Hire Butt as manager then have a wank.
  22. May 17, 2019
    #22

    Dwazza Gunnar Solskjær Lutefisk is it!

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    Install a board of directors that includes Sir Bobby, Sir Alex, @noodlehair, @Rado_N , @golden_blunder , myself and @Pogue Mahone.

    Actively consult fan groups for input, but ignore their recommendations because they know nothing and are idiots and as such won't catch on that we're simply paying them lip service for a while.

    Continue with the Glazer business model by finding new and innovative product partners to increase revenue.

    Start a shell company to sponsor the Premier League and influence decisions in United's favour.

    Lower ticket prices.

    Do a lot of cocaine and hookers.
  23. May 17, 2019
    #23

    #07 makes new threads with tweets in the OP

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    Take a similar approach to what the City directors did when they figured out a long term plan: Identify a club whose identity I'd like to emulate and employ several of its leaders like they did with Sorriano and Begiristain.

    In a United context I'd plump for Ajax, make Van der Sar CEO and have him appoint a suitable director of football and other senior staff he thinks can cut it.

    PS) I'd keep Ole as manager
  24. May 17, 2019
    #24

    Big Andy Is really a midget

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    Wank off Ed Woodward
  25. May 17, 2019
    #25

    Will Singh Full Member

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    Sack Woody the cnut
    Buy all the top youth players
    Buyout Liverpool and hire Moyes as manager
    Sell all Liverpool players to make way for my youth project
    Use Liverpool as a feeder club for United
    Oh and coke and hookers
  26. May 17, 2019
    #26

    Fener1907 Full Member

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    Lots of mention of wanking. You lot are disgusting...

    ..ly realistic. Anyone would obviously have a celebratory wank.
  27. May 17, 2019
    #27

    Rory 7 Full Member

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    Create a trust so it becomes part fan owned, if not fully fan owned.
  28. May 17, 2019
    #28

    Champagne Football Full Member

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    Would invest 1 billion in an anti-cloud, anti-rain system where the climate of Manchester could be kept at a perfect eternal spring climate year round on the Old Trafford part, but dump the heavy rains down continuously onto The Ethihad and Anfield.

    Would get on the phone to Cristiano and let him know that he can sun himself by the pool in his garden in between games now.

    Would hire Pochettino and Mitchell.

    Would hire South Americas best scouts to turn Manchester into little South America.
  29. May 17, 2019
    #29

    Mrs Smoker Full Member

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    Sell it for like 4 billion pounds or euros or dollars or yen.
  30. May 17, 2019
    #30

    Florida Man Cartoon expert and crap superhero

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    I'd finally buy Sneijder

    ...and then have a wank in public
  31. May 17, 2019
    #31

    harms Way Staff

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    I'd also add a new salary system that would be dependant on caf's post-match ratings.
  32. May 17, 2019
    #32

    Sparky_Hughes Donkey Buggering Tyrant who cheats at Monopoly

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    Invest billions in cloning and genetic engineering so I could have a prime Cantona in the team and saf as manager. Hire the world best hackers to hack klopp and pep and hide the world's sickest vilest porn on their laptops and then call the police. Make pogba the toilet cleaner and put lingard in charge of the crèche.
  33. May 17, 2019
    #33

    SaintMuppet New Member

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    Hire Roy Keane, forcefeed him prawn sandwiches and have the voice of Mick McCarthy perma playing over the tannoy. Then lock him in the changing room with the first team squad.

    This would be a challenging wank but not impossible.

    (Thanks to Frankie Boyle for the wank joke)
  34. May 17, 2019
    #34

    Tiber Full Member

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    Give Ed Woodward a pay rise and send him off to sign more noodle sponsors
  35. May 17, 2019
    #35

    freeurmind weak willed

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    Location:
    The back of the OLE Bus.
    Sack most of the Board.
    Institute a 15 year plan at the end of which ownership and control of the club is transferred over to the supporter's group.
    Upgrade/rebuild our training, youth and women's facilities. Work with local council to develop plan to build community facilities that would be free to use for the public. Ensure all grounds and facilities are accesible for the disabled.
    Develop a 3 year plan at the end of which ground breaking on the new stand would start.
    Reduce season ticket prices by 15%, reserve and youth games free for under 18s over 65s and season ticket holders, women's games free admission for under 18s.
    Develop partnership with hotel companies to ensure supporters are not overcharged for hotel rooms on European trips.
    Hire full time DOF to oversee football matters.
  36. May 17, 2019
    #36

    Sunny Jim Full Member

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    Sack Woodward within 5 seconds of my tenure.
  37. May 17, 2019
    #37

    DRM New Member

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    Watch woodward have a wank
  38. May 17, 2019
    #38

    vidic blood & sand Full Member

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    :lol:
  39. May 17, 2019
    #39

    Fener1907 Full Member

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    Honestly, the possibilities are endless. An entirely new squad? Various players spring to mind. Essentially, you’re where City were 10 years ago.

    A signing like Robinho, even if he turns out to be useless, is a must.

    World beaters have to be brought in ASAP to show that this is United, not just another plastic project. Anyone who resents the idea of such a drastic overhaul isn’t living with the reality of today’s game. Nobody can deny they’d love to see us go after the very best. Knowing some United fans, though, they’d find any reason to complain.
  40. May 17, 2019
    #40

    SteveCoppellFan New Member

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    Buy Liverpool.

    Sack Klopp, then hire Jose and put him on a huge salary for 10 years with a small yearly football budget.