Footballers who'd thrive in a prison environment

led_scholes

New Member
Newbie
Joined
Nov 22, 2012
Messages
450
Thomas Gravesen, Benzema, Tim Wiese, Akinfnwa, Chiellini, Boruc, Vidic, Maradona, Vieira.

Edit: Kolasinac proved to be fearless but not a bully, so he would be respected.
 

Fortitude

TV/Monitor Expert
Scout
Joined
Jul 10, 2004
Messages
11,846
Location
Inside right
I'm having mine against the setting of the American prison system; no point concerning yourself with fisticuffs...

Los Monos:

Boss - Gabriel Batistuta (full stubble)
Underbosses - Daniel Passarella; Diego Simeone (retired); Antonio Rattin
Accounts & connect: Zanetti
Wildcard - Diego Maradona (essentially Scarface); Gabriel Heinze
Protection: Walter Samuel (has clearly killed a man); Oscar Ruggeri; Javier Mascherano
Soldiers/Shankers: Jaun Pablo Sorin; Carlos Tevez; Ariel Ortega; Claudio Cannigia (essentially Vega)
Bait: Messi (long hair)

Latin Kings:

Boss - Obdulio Varela
Underbosses - Carlos Alberto; Dunga
Accounts & connect: Cafu; Socrates
Wildcard - Diego Costa; Arturo Vidal;
Protection: Luis Pereira; Lucio; Alex; Paolo Montero
Soldiers/Shankers: Rivaldo; Garrincha; Djalma Santos; Rai
Bait: Neymar
 

Tiber

Full Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2014
Messages
5,057
Location
England
Wasn't there a striker in the lower leagues who is about the size of a bungalow? I image he could survive.
 

horsechoker

Sailor vee, this is a right off.
Joined
Apr 16, 2015
Messages
13,564
Location
The stable
Jack Wilshere would be the type to act hard and try and take on the biggest hardest lad it the prison, only to regret doing so.
 

United Junkie

New Member
Newbie
Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
117
Benzema is a good mention. Tough kid from one of the toughest quartiers in Lyon. Has many friends in the underworld.
Jack Wilshere would be the type to act hard and try and take on the biggest hardest lad it the prison, only to regret doing so.
Like Peter Schibetta in HBO's OZ. Trying too mess with Adebesi. Yep. He's that type of dude.
 

harms

Shining Star of Paektu Mountain
Staff
Joined
Apr 8, 2014
Messages
19,743
Location
Moscow
Some time in the late 1980s, Internazionale were losing an away match by several goals when in the last minute they were awarded a meaningless penalty. The fearsome Argentine centre-back Daniel Passarella began galloping forward to take it, but before he could get there Alessandro Altobelli, reasoning like any striker that a goal is a goal, stepped up and hit the ball into the net.

A former Inter star who played in that game tells the story that in the changing-room, Passarella threw a fit. "It's always the same!" he screamed. "At 0-0 no-one dares take a penalty, but when it doesn't matter anymore they all do." Grabbing his genitals, he added: "You are cowards! You have no balls, no cojones."

This went on for some time. Most of the Inter players were used to Passarella and paid no attention, but after a while Altobelli could take no more. Striding up to the Argentine, he asked: "You talking about me?"

Passarella knocked him out with a single punch, stripped, and wandered off to the showers. A few minutes later Altobelli came too. He stared about him enraged and then, spotting the fruit bowl customary in Italian changing-rooms of the era, grabbed a little knife meant for peeling oranges. In the shower stalls he found a naked Passarella calmly shampooing his hair. "Come on then!" Passarella cooed at his knife-wielding colleague.

Altobelli didn't know what to do. He didn't really want to stab his team-mate to death like Norman Bates in Psycho. He would probably have been fined, or even transfer-listed. So he just stood in front of Passarella waving the knife for a while until, to his relief, other players dragged him away and he could pretend this was happening against his will. All the while Passarella continued washing his hair.
 

Isotope

Full Member
Joined
Mar 6, 2012
Messages
14,556
Supports
Ole Ole Ole
Martin Keown could be the ring leader.
 

Isotope

Full Member
Joined
Mar 6, 2012
Messages
14,556
Supports
Ole Ole Ole
And I don't think anyone would mess with Desailly.
 

Zehner

Full Member
Joined
Mar 29, 2018
Messages
1,981
Location
Germany
Supports
Bayer 04 Leverkusen
Ronaldinho. Even in prison, everybody would love him. And he would win cups with the prisoner team.
 

Rasendori

Full Member
Joined
May 30, 2016
Messages
950
Location
Hyperbolic Time Chamber
Graeme Souness
Claudio Gentile
Terry Hurlock
Tommy Smith
Ron Harris
Dave Mackay
Joe Jordan
Billy Whitehurst
 

Sandikan

aka sex on the beach
Joined
Mar 14, 2011
Messages
28,386
Pushing a few people around or being a bully on the footy pitch is a lot different to trying to handle yourself in prison.
I bet the toughest on this list wouldn't fancy it.
 

matherto

ask me about our 50% off sale!
Joined
Nov 3, 2009
Messages
14,733
Location
St. Helens
Rio strikes me as the type that would have all the connections cause he's got that geezer image he portrays.

Pretty sure I wouldn't wanna mess with him either in fairness.
 

ThinkTank@Cafe

Full Member
Joined
Jul 3, 2019
Messages
513
Location
RedCafe Awards
1. None of the mentioned would stand a chance against Chilavert. He was strong both physically and mentally. The latter being (much) more important in prison. Chilavert actually received a couple of suspended prison sentences.

2. Ronaldinho:)) He is a magician.

3. “Winne“ the Jones. living legend of a shady footballer lifestyle.
 

padr81

Full Member
Joined
Dec 12, 2015
Messages
6,561
Supports
Man City
Juan Mata.

His likability would immediately make him friends with whoever runs the prison. Since he's tiny he'll be protected at all cost while he spends his time studying law in the prison library. He'll immediately pass the exam once he's released and spend the rest of his life fighting for the little man.

I'm sending the script to HBO as we speak, btw.
Juan Year in San Quentin?