an uneasy status quo has returned after a rollercoaster few days. at first glance you may even think nothing has happened. the threats of expulsion, point deduction and public execution have disappeared. in fact, bar gary neville driving around the streets of manchester, shouting “i’m the saviour of football” from his car window and jamie carragher’s wife being awake for a full three days, tirelessly scrubbing spittle from jamie’s suits after many a phlegmy and impassioned sky sports rant, it’s pretty much business as usual. but for how long? what can we do to ensure this kind of this doesn’t happen again?
first we must look at the driving force behind the super league; suffering owners. if our owners, if liverpool’s owners, felt they had our real support, both personally and financially, they may not have had to act so hastily. if only we had reached out to them. listened to them. cared for them. if only we had changed our ways sooner their hands may not have been forced. how can we blame them for lashing out like starving, cornered rats? there has been a lot of talk of football dying the past few days, but if we all, and yes, all, act now, we can still save it and ensure nothing like this happens again. it’s not too late. let’s all agree to follow the super fan pledge, our new 10 commandments:
1. full kits.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to buy all kits; home, away, third and training, in their entirety, each release, for each and every member of my household.
2. donations.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to donate 5% of my monthly net income (or more if less than £250) to the glazers to ensure they are not forced to look elsewhere for funding to survive (the club is in £500m of debt for christ’s sake!)
3. dear leader.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees that players should serenade our owners to their seats before kick off with a dear leader style song. children should appear from somewhere when they have finished and continue from where the players left off. their looped song will play in rounds over the stadium speakers, whilst all fans remain silent for the full 90 minutes. the players are only allowed to make a noise if they are fouled or are pretending to have been fouled.
4. subscriptions.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to purchase all sports tv subscriptions, including shitty ones like premier sports. i will purchase them no matter how many there currently are or may be.
5. season ticket.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to allow 50% of my season ticket entitlement to be resold by the club to a day tripper. i will not be refunded. i will allow said daytripper full use of my house/facilities/spouse during their visit.
6. volunteering.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to volunteer 7.5 hours a week to the club. my time can be used for anything from positing positive reviews about the glazers online, to repainting old trafford. if i am deemed to do a subpar job, i agree to pay a sub-contractor to finish the job properly.
7. memberships.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to purchase a membership to manchester united. this membership doesn’t really do anything but it will be tiered, with higher tiers costing more money. lower tiered fans will be heckled by players on match days.
8. rename sir alex.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to rename sir alex “sir malcom” this applies to all stands, statues and records.
9. a travelling circus.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees that the club may move cities/continents once per year to maximise revenue streams.
10. adopt a second team.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to do the same for another suffering team (i.e liverpool,) just in case the first one does join a super league or goes tits up, so i have nothing to complain about.
finally, let’s bring back the green and gold campaign. but this time it’s “green and gold until the glazer’s aren’t cold.” like many on the poverty line, they are probably struggling to pay for heating. look at the state of old trafford, paint peeling, rust showing, seats fading, dead pigeons probably in water tanks, stray cats used for hot dog meat. these aren’t the dwellings of the super wealthy. let’s fight for them and help them until they feel our support once more and are able to flourish again.
we can do it, people, we can do it.
“dear glazers, dear glazers, our wonderful saviours,
how much we love thee dear.
dear glazers, dear glazers, we are sorry for our behaviours,
how much we need thee here.
we supers, we supers, we will no longer dupe yers,
our support is evermore.
we supers, we supers, we all salute you sirs,
please love us, our paramour.”
first we must look at the driving force behind the super league; suffering owners. if our owners, if liverpool’s owners, felt they had our real support, both personally and financially, they may not have had to act so hastily. if only we had reached out to them. listened to them. cared for them. if only we had changed our ways sooner their hands may not have been forced. how can we blame them for lashing out like starving, cornered rats? there has been a lot of talk of football dying the past few days, but if we all, and yes, all, act now, we can still save it and ensure nothing like this happens again. it’s not too late. let’s all agree to follow the super fan pledge, our new 10 commandments:
1. full kits.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to buy all kits; home, away, third and training, in their entirety, each release, for each and every member of my household.
2. donations.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to donate 5% of my monthly net income (or more if less than £250) to the glazers to ensure they are not forced to look elsewhere for funding to survive (the club is in £500m of debt for christ’s sake!)
3. dear leader.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees that players should serenade our owners to their seats before kick off with a dear leader style song. children should appear from somewhere when they have finished and continue from where the players left off. their looped song will play in rounds over the stadium speakers, whilst all fans remain silent for the full 90 minutes. the players are only allowed to make a noise if they are fouled or are pretending to have been fouled.
4. subscriptions.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to purchase all sports tv subscriptions, including shitty ones like premier sports. i will purchase them no matter how many there currently are or may be.
5. season ticket.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to allow 50% of my season ticket entitlement to be resold by the club to a day tripper. i will not be refunded. i will allow said daytripper full use of my house/facilities/spouse during their visit.
6. volunteering.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to volunteer 7.5 hours a week to the club. my time can be used for anything from positing positive reviews about the glazers online, to repainting old trafford. if i am deemed to do a subpar job, i agree to pay a sub-contractor to finish the job properly.
7. memberships.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to purchase a membership to manchester united. this membership doesn’t really do anything but it will be tiered, with higher tiers costing more money. lower tiered fans will be heckled by players on match days.
8. rename sir alex.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to rename sir alex “sir malcom” this applies to all stands, statues and records.
9. a travelling circus.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees that the club may move cities/continents once per year to maximise revenue streams.
10. adopt a second team.
i, the undersigned super fan, agrees to do the same for another suffering team (i.e liverpool,) just in case the first one does join a super league or goes tits up, so i have nothing to complain about.
finally, let’s bring back the green and gold campaign. but this time it’s “green and gold until the glazer’s aren’t cold.” like many on the poverty line, they are probably struggling to pay for heating. look at the state of old trafford, paint peeling, rust showing, seats fading, dead pigeons probably in water tanks, stray cats used for hot dog meat. these aren’t the dwellings of the super wealthy. let’s fight for them and help them until they feel our support once more and are able to flourish again.
we can do it, people, we can do it.
“dear glazers, dear glazers, our wonderful saviours,
how much we love thee dear.
dear glazers, dear glazers, we are sorry for our behaviours,
how much we need thee here.
we supers, we supers, we will no longer dupe yers,
our support is evermore.
we supers, we supers, we all salute you sirs,
please love us, our paramour.”
I'm in.