I first watched United way back in the seventies, a time before Fergie was boss
I’d spend every penny on watching them play, and I really did not give a toss
Well as I’ve grown older, I’ve changed my perspective, On something I’ve loved all my life
Watching United costs more than just money, United just lost me me wife
To understand truly the depth of this story, you have to go back 30 years
I’ve followed United all over Europe, I’ve cheered them, I’ve often shed tears
Now my wife, bless her heart, just didn’t quite get it, she simply did not understand
How a bunch of young men kicking a ball could appeal to an aging old man
For years she’s put up with me going to football, a ritual I’ve done since a kid
She begged me to stop it, to go with her shopping, of course you know I never did.
But fate was to hit me right square in the bollocks one Wednesday way back in may
She’d booked us to go out for a meal with her parents. United were playing away.
United were fighting, a race to the title, a game that we just had to win
“Theres no way I’m missing this important fixture, there’s no way that I’m giving in”.
“I’m going to football, that’s the end of the story, There’s no way I’m changing my mind”
But I never expected the wifes mad reaction as she clobbered my head from behind
“WELL feck OFF TO FOOTBALL” she ranted and raved, as the lump on me nut began to rise
With that she picked up my United clock and hit me right square in the eyes.
The United logo resembles a devil, well I found that night, its not true
My wife had become the epitomy of satan, the air in the house then turned blue.
Words that came from her mouth really shocked me. I was so scared that I nearly shat
I expected to be called a self centered bastard, but a c**t.. well theres no need for that..
We argued for what seemed like half of an hour, we argued, we battled we fought
She told me to feck off, and I duly obliged her, she yelled “I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT”.
Well I left the house and went back to my mothers, the marriage completely in tatters
United had won, in a tightly fought game, we were champions, so that’s all that matters.
The day of the court case to settle divorce, came and we sat each side of the judge
She wanted the house, she wanted the car and theres no way that she’s gonna budge
Being a man I defended my corner, no way will you get the TV,
The framed shirt of Eric that sits on the dresser, well that thing is coming with me.
The judge sat there looking, as we traded insults, and clearing his throat he then said
I think we can honestly say that this marriage, is completely and utterly dead
Theres no way that you two can be reconciled, and the best thing for you is divorce
She gets the house, the car and the kids, and the framed shirt, that’s his of course
I’ve read both your statements you offer as evidence, and I’m afraid that I have to concur
In her statement she claims that you love Man United, much more than you ever loved her
I took to my feet, and turned to the judge, and I said “judge in all honesty”
“Its true I think more of Manchester United, in fact I think more of City”
I haven’t seen the ex wife in nearly nine months, I see my kids two days a week
She’s married some bloke, a banker from Stockport, a city fan, god what a cheek…
The house has been sold, she’s moved in with Bertie, I call him the sad bitter blue
He doesn’t watch football, he often goes shopping, as City fans are prone to do.
I’ve got my football, I follow United, I watch them whenever they play
I’ll go when I like, no woman to stop me, no matter if its home or away
I still love my boys, and they follow United, like me, they’re United for life.
I’m just praying they marry a girl who loves football, cos United will cost you your wife
I’d spend every penny on watching them play, and I really did not give a toss
Well as I’ve grown older, I’ve changed my perspective, On something I’ve loved all my life
Watching United costs more than just money, United just lost me me wife
To understand truly the depth of this story, you have to go back 30 years
I’ve followed United all over Europe, I’ve cheered them, I’ve often shed tears
Now my wife, bless her heart, just didn’t quite get it, she simply did not understand
How a bunch of young men kicking a ball could appeal to an aging old man
For years she’s put up with me going to football, a ritual I’ve done since a kid
She begged me to stop it, to go with her shopping, of course you know I never did.
But fate was to hit me right square in the bollocks one Wednesday way back in may
She’d booked us to go out for a meal with her parents. United were playing away.
United were fighting, a race to the title, a game that we just had to win
“Theres no way I’m missing this important fixture, there’s no way that I’m giving in”.
“I’m going to football, that’s the end of the story, There’s no way I’m changing my mind”
But I never expected the wifes mad reaction as she clobbered my head from behind
“WELL feck OFF TO FOOTBALL” she ranted and raved, as the lump on me nut began to rise
With that she picked up my United clock and hit me right square in the eyes.
The United logo resembles a devil, well I found that night, its not true
My wife had become the epitomy of satan, the air in the house then turned blue.
Words that came from her mouth really shocked me. I was so scared that I nearly shat
I expected to be called a self centered bastard, but a c**t.. well theres no need for that..
We argued for what seemed like half of an hour, we argued, we battled we fought
She told me to feck off, and I duly obliged her, she yelled “I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT”.
Well I left the house and went back to my mothers, the marriage completely in tatters
United had won, in a tightly fought game, we were champions, so that’s all that matters.
The day of the court case to settle divorce, came and we sat each side of the judge
She wanted the house, she wanted the car and theres no way that she’s gonna budge
Being a man I defended my corner, no way will you get the TV,
The framed shirt of Eric that sits on the dresser, well that thing is coming with me.
The judge sat there looking, as we traded insults, and clearing his throat he then said
I think we can honestly say that this marriage, is completely and utterly dead
Theres no way that you two can be reconciled, and the best thing for you is divorce
She gets the house, the car and the kids, and the framed shirt, that’s his of course
I’ve read both your statements you offer as evidence, and I’m afraid that I have to concur
In her statement she claims that you love Man United, much more than you ever loved her
I took to my feet, and turned to the judge, and I said “judge in all honesty”
“Its true I think more of Manchester United, in fact I think more of City”
I haven’t seen the ex wife in nearly nine months, I see my kids two days a week
She’s married some bloke, a banker from Stockport, a city fan, god what a cheek…
The house has been sold, she’s moved in with Bertie, I call him the sad bitter blue
He doesn’t watch football, he often goes shopping, as City fans are prone to do.
I’ve got my football, I follow United, I watch them whenever they play
I’ll go when I like, no woman to stop me, no matter if its home or away
I still love my boys, and they follow United, like me, they’re United for life.
I’m just praying they marry a girl who loves football, cos United will cost you your wife
well done.
