Apologies (not really) to all in advance this week as I managed to miss a lot of the actual football, so will be winging this week's addition to a degree. Similar in many ways to Stoke's approach to being a Premier League football team;
Wigan vs Manchester United, the directors cut - You know, the version where the director cuts half of the game in order to show extended coverage of Roberto Martinez's face, or clips of Wigan fans sitting in their seats not doing anything. How about five minutes of David De Gea standing perfectly still? sure, why not, otherwise the slow motion replay of the linesman doesn't have anything to fade into...now, quick 5 second clip of the game aaaaaaannnd cut to Ferguson cam. The real problem here will come the next time Manchester United play Spurs, and the director realises it isn't actually possible to dedicate the required 50 minutes each to Sir Alex Ferguson and Harry Redknapp reacting to things (not that Redknapp's melted face even has the capacity to visibly react to anything anymore), and as a result the entire game will just be presented as a split screen showing one half of each manager's face (Also available in 3D on channel 454).
Faux pas self-pitying outrage - "Right, just as we take the corner, you deliberately go and stand by the keeper and obstruct him so he can't challenge for the ball, even though we knowthis is against the rules, and then Moses, you head the ball into the goal by running into the space where the goalkeeper would have been...and, YES!!!, it worked, get in!....wait, what? the linesman's disallowed it...WHY? ...obstruction? That's not fair! It's not right! We've been cheated! We're being victimized! It's an OUTRAGE!"
Grow up, for feck sake.
When I was your age - You know how sometimes during a game, the camera will cut to a veteran or retired player from yesteryear in the crowd, watching their beloved former team, no doubt longing to still be out there reliving the pinnacle of their own playing career from years past? Well...Ravel Morrison was pictured in the crowd during the FA Youth Cup semi final (I say pictured, they actually said "and there's Ravel Morrison, the one in the hood" whilst showing a clip of some random people not wearing hoods). Things have really gone downhill since he stopped listening to his army of twitter life counsellors.
"You wouldn't have denied him a goal if that'd gone in the net" - Well no, you wouldn't, because it would have been a goal.
Liverpool tattoos - It's come to my attention that a number of Liverpool players arms have been engulfed by some kind of ridiculously over exuberant tattoo. Is there a reasonable explanation for this? Is it just a mad coincidence or have a group of them formed some kind of street tattoo gang? (I'm scared). Former Liverpool playerRaul Meireles also has a similar looking tattoo, though in his case it may just be that he hasn't washed in ages and the dirt has formed into a pattern. I'm also told Daniel Agger owns a tattoo parlour, and this may be the reason, but so what? My friend manages a hair salon...it doesn't mean I have to plat half my hair and dye the other half pink.
Carlos Tevez golf celebration - Does anything really need to be said here? This has been a season where football fans have sunk to new lows by revealing just how much of their self-respect, shame, and principles they are willing to sacrifice in the vain desperation to see their team win. On Saturday Carlos Tevez, a relatively stupid man, openly mocked fans everywhere for this, insulting all of our intelligence in the process. Meanwhile, a posse of Manchester City fans cheered and applauded him for doing so...Well done. Somewhere, another small part of football's already dying soul has just rotted away.
Not giving up by giving up - Manchester City, the almost comeback kings. The team whose idea of fight was to unleash Balotelli onto the battlefield without building in a steering wheel. Who's idea of never giving up was to lose by one goal instead of three, and then pretend it proved some kind of point, have finally thrown in the towel and declared themselves out of the title race. This has been signified by their sudden return to averaging about 18 goals a game and firing their way back into the title race. Of course this also has much to do with United's insistence on trying to moon walk through games finally catching up with them, but it's odd none the less. If only they'd given up much sooner, they'd probably already be champions by now.
How do you know the second half is about to start at Wembley? - Because no one's bothered to go back to their seats yet
How do you know the second half has started at Wembley? - Because all of the Spurs fans have gone home
Scott Parker's spitfire - Unreliable and temperamental at the best of times, it had a bit of an engine malfunction today. Flying uncontrollably around Wembley throughout the afternoon before eventually crash landing just inside the Chelsea half, evoking concern among both sets of players as a dazed and angry Captain Parker crawled from the cockpit. Highlights of Scott's flight of chaos included him becoming the first player ever to foul an opposition player by lunging his chest dangerously into their studs, and the now trademark corner flag charge (nosediving the length of the pitch in order to try and win the ball by the opposition corner flag...about five seconds after the ball has been played back into midfield). Scott Parker has become so overrated I've started to feel sorry for him. The only times I notice him at all is when I notice him doing stuff wrong.
Sympathy for the devil - "Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name" ; - It's Martin Atkinson, isn't it? No really, it is. I know we SHOULD have sympathy for officials, but the sympathy I would have begins to weaken rapidly when instead of simply getting a decision wrong, a referee invents something which didn't actually happen, in order to award John Terry a goal. Why not just rape my cat and spit all over my dinner whilst you're at it, Martin?
Eye of the rat-weasel - Alan Green claimed to have clearly seen in real-time that Ashley Young had dived against Aston Villa, seconds after admitting he didn't even watch the game (shortly after then changing his account to only seeing "bits of the first half"). This begs the question; Why are we still even employing oaf-prone referees when evidentally Alan Green could officiate every single game in real-time, simultaneously, whilst sat at home reading the paper?
Awards:
Randomly remembered player - Kiki Musampa - Musampa cropped up at Manchester City for a couple of years around 2005. Possibly the world's slowest man, Musampa's most notable moment came against Liverpool, when he burst into a casual stroll from the centre circle to, eventually, strike a thunderous volley into the top corner from the edge of the area. Musampa was also recognisable for his extremely sorrowful looking face. After being sent back to whoever it was Man City loaned him from, Musampa moved to Turkey, then Holland, then Korea, and then back to Holland again, playing roughly 1 game for each club he signed for in the process.
Best chant of the weekend - "Oh when the Spurs go marching out"
Worst chant of the weekend - "Carlos Tevez, he does what he wants"
stupidest chant of the weekend - Whatever the Chelsea fans were singing during the minute's silence.
Robert Pires award - Ashley Young
RIP - Piermario Morosini
http://newdless.wordpress.com/
Wigan vs Manchester United, the directors cut - You know, the version where the director cuts half of the game in order to show extended coverage of Roberto Martinez's face, or clips of Wigan fans sitting in their seats not doing anything. How about five minutes of David De Gea standing perfectly still? sure, why not, otherwise the slow motion replay of the linesman doesn't have anything to fade into...now, quick 5 second clip of the game aaaaaaannnd cut to Ferguson cam. The real problem here will come the next time Manchester United play Spurs, and the director realises it isn't actually possible to dedicate the required 50 minutes each to Sir Alex Ferguson and Harry Redknapp reacting to things (not that Redknapp's melted face even has the capacity to visibly react to anything anymore), and as a result the entire game will just be presented as a split screen showing one half of each manager's face (Also available in 3D on channel 454).
Faux pas self-pitying outrage - "Right, just as we take the corner, you deliberately go and stand by the keeper and obstruct him so he can't challenge for the ball, even though we knowthis is against the rules, and then Moses, you head the ball into the goal by running into the space where the goalkeeper would have been...and, YES!!!, it worked, get in!....wait, what? the linesman's disallowed it...WHY? ...obstruction? That's not fair! It's not right! We've been cheated! We're being victimized! It's an OUTRAGE!"
Grow up, for feck sake.
When I was your age - You know how sometimes during a game, the camera will cut to a veteran or retired player from yesteryear in the crowd, watching their beloved former team, no doubt longing to still be out there reliving the pinnacle of their own playing career from years past? Well...Ravel Morrison was pictured in the crowd during the FA Youth Cup semi final (I say pictured, they actually said "and there's Ravel Morrison, the one in the hood" whilst showing a clip of some random people not wearing hoods). Things have really gone downhill since he stopped listening to his army of twitter life counsellors.
"You wouldn't have denied him a goal if that'd gone in the net" - Well no, you wouldn't, because it would have been a goal.
Liverpool tattoos - It's come to my attention that a number of Liverpool players arms have been engulfed by some kind of ridiculously over exuberant tattoo. Is there a reasonable explanation for this? Is it just a mad coincidence or have a group of them formed some kind of street tattoo gang? (I'm scared). Former Liverpool playerRaul Meireles also has a similar looking tattoo, though in his case it may just be that he hasn't washed in ages and the dirt has formed into a pattern. I'm also told Daniel Agger owns a tattoo parlour, and this may be the reason, but so what? My friend manages a hair salon...it doesn't mean I have to plat half my hair and dye the other half pink.
Carlos Tevez golf celebration - Does anything really need to be said here? This has been a season where football fans have sunk to new lows by revealing just how much of their self-respect, shame, and principles they are willing to sacrifice in the vain desperation to see their team win. On Saturday Carlos Tevez, a relatively stupid man, openly mocked fans everywhere for this, insulting all of our intelligence in the process. Meanwhile, a posse of Manchester City fans cheered and applauded him for doing so...Well done. Somewhere, another small part of football's already dying soul has just rotted away.
Not giving up by giving up - Manchester City, the almost comeback kings. The team whose idea of fight was to unleash Balotelli onto the battlefield without building in a steering wheel. Who's idea of never giving up was to lose by one goal instead of three, and then pretend it proved some kind of point, have finally thrown in the towel and declared themselves out of the title race. This has been signified by their sudden return to averaging about 18 goals a game and firing their way back into the title race. Of course this also has much to do with United's insistence on trying to moon walk through games finally catching up with them, but it's odd none the less. If only they'd given up much sooner, they'd probably already be champions by now.
How do you know the second half is about to start at Wembley? - Because no one's bothered to go back to their seats yet
How do you know the second half has started at Wembley? - Because all of the Spurs fans have gone home
Scott Parker's spitfire - Unreliable and temperamental at the best of times, it had a bit of an engine malfunction today. Flying uncontrollably around Wembley throughout the afternoon before eventually crash landing just inside the Chelsea half, evoking concern among both sets of players as a dazed and angry Captain Parker crawled from the cockpit. Highlights of Scott's flight of chaos included him becoming the first player ever to foul an opposition player by lunging his chest dangerously into their studs, and the now trademark corner flag charge (nosediving the length of the pitch in order to try and win the ball by the opposition corner flag...about five seconds after the ball has been played back into midfield). Scott Parker has become so overrated I've started to feel sorry for him. The only times I notice him at all is when I notice him doing stuff wrong.
Sympathy for the devil - "Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name" ; - It's Martin Atkinson, isn't it? No really, it is. I know we SHOULD have sympathy for officials, but the sympathy I would have begins to weaken rapidly when instead of simply getting a decision wrong, a referee invents something which didn't actually happen, in order to award John Terry a goal. Why not just rape my cat and spit all over my dinner whilst you're at it, Martin?
Eye of the rat-weasel - Alan Green claimed to have clearly seen in real-time that Ashley Young had dived against Aston Villa, seconds after admitting he didn't even watch the game (shortly after then changing his account to only seeing "bits of the first half"). This begs the question; Why are we still even employing oaf-prone referees when evidentally Alan Green could officiate every single game in real-time, simultaneously, whilst sat at home reading the paper?
Awards:
Randomly remembered player - Kiki Musampa - Musampa cropped up at Manchester City for a couple of years around 2005. Possibly the world's slowest man, Musampa's most notable moment came against Liverpool, when he burst into a casual stroll from the centre circle to, eventually, strike a thunderous volley into the top corner from the edge of the area. Musampa was also recognisable for his extremely sorrowful looking face. After being sent back to whoever it was Man City loaned him from, Musampa moved to Turkey, then Holland, then Korea, and then back to Holland again, playing roughly 1 game for each club he signed for in the process.
Best chant of the weekend - "Oh when the Spurs go marching out"
Worst chant of the weekend - "Carlos Tevez, he does what he wants"
stupidest chant of the weekend - Whatever the Chelsea fans were singing during the minute's silence.
Robert Pires award - Ashley Young
RIP - Piermario Morosini
http://newdless.wordpress.com/
