It's a serious question but the serious answer is no.
Rooney was very poor for us in his last three seasons and although he's enjoyed something of a renaissance for DC United the standard of play in that league, which I actually enjoy watching, is well below that of the EPL. Lower half table table sides in the EPL Vill and Norwich would destroy top MLS sides like Atlanta and LAFC.
Rooney would bring other issues this squad doesn't need to be infected with. (You may discover his latest exploits on the back pages today.) And others have already noted, Wayne is Derby-bound.
The more interesting question is whether we would take Ibrahimovic back. I'm not sure the answer should be no.