Girlfight ( in bikinis )

[Davo]

SF 1

Giggsygirl vs Tine

Hmmm, we're missing a competitor here...only Tine has shown up, and after her success in the QF heat she is requesting to start the match topless...

Anyone seen Giggysgirl? Hang on...apparantly she's in the kiddies pool with Pletch...pretending to be a womble while the wave machine is on!

She doesn't want to fight...apparantly wombles are peaceful beings, who only want to collect rubbish..

Feck this, she's out of here..

Bye for Tine to the final

 

[GiggsysGirl]

wombles?

Hell No!

BRING IT!

 

[Davo]

wombles?

Hell No!

BRING IT!

Excellent....she's back

Have you any objections to Tine fighting topless?

 

[GiggsysGirl]

that's entirely up to her!

 

[Plechazunga]

None whatsoever.

 

[GiggsysGirl]

bugger! i got to get to class

i am actually flying back to England tonight so i'll bring it tomorrow

 

[Plechazunga]

Christ, not another postponement!

Ah well, i'm going in the wave machine...

Bagsy uncle Bulgaria!

 

[GiggsysGirl]

sorry...but hey, least it gives me time to get my bikini dry-cleaned from the last round

 

[pigface]

absolutely histerical this.

 

[NWR]

BOUT 2

Tine vs Looby



Its a bit early for Tine, Belgians traditionally don't get out of bed till 2 in the afternoon so this is likely to lead to an advantage for fiery Looby ( who once went off on one at me for no apparant reason - remembering this won't help her cause ), but both ladies look tired and are shivering as they disrobe into their bikini's.
"You don't get many of them to the pound" comments Mr Jackson, owner of the fight scene venue....

DING DING



It appears so, Tine undoes her bikini top, which drops to the floor...Looby looks embarrassed and looks away.
"Wahey" shouts Mr Jackson
Tine takes advantage of her opponents confusion, kicking Looby into a
box of tomatos...she's in a right sticky mess and can't continue..its all over

the winner is TINE

Davo. Can I be the Ref? Again.

You know I am the sort of Ref who will get stuck in and sort these two out if it gets dirty.

 

[VanNistelrater]

BOUT 3

Huge problem mind....ex forum favourite Charlie was correct in his assumption that Russian bird Laura is in fact a fat-arsed bloke from Yorkshire - named Steve.

 

[Wobbly]

Come on Davo....Where's the rest of this splendid contest?

 

[Davo]

Postponed till Monday...

We've been discovered hiding out in the female changing rooms at the swimming baths in Hull...

And are currently helping the police with theie enquires

 

[Plechazunga]

It's a fair cop...Don't worry Davo, we won't be here long...I'll use me contacts...to

feck it

I'm fecking hammered to be honest

 

[redcharlie]

Yet another gem from the Davo and Plech school of comedy. Doesn't anyone know anyone from the beeb's comedy dept? These two should be a feckin' double act. They're wasted !

 

[Plechazunga]

I couldn't do it on my own folks...Davo's an excellent straight-man

Particularly impressive given that he's not straight...

 

[redcharlie]

Plech, the way you stepped in to commentate on the second bout.....albeit at your chosen venue and uninvited....Beverley Westwood's cowpat field......brilliantly written and not so much as a thanks. Instead, something along the lines of ' it was meant to be in Jackson's grocers, you prick!' when Davo returned, then the way you decided to be Stuart Hall ( again uninvited) and Davo's begrudging acceptance of your new role. Pure comic genius! Im fecking amazed the way you two come up with the answers and rebukes so quick. I'm sure i'm not the only one who pissed myself at this thread and look forward to Mondays grand finale. Are 26's lot taking odds ?

 

[Davo]

SEMI FINAL 1 ( Take 2 )

It now transpires that the female playing Wombles with Pletch was not GG, but some Hull bird...apologies for this factual inaccruracy - Pletch told me.

GG is now here, in the swimming pool changing rooms in Hull. The rozzers have dropped their investigation and are some are present here today, awaiting the entertainment...in fact they've been good sorts...and have also arrested Mr Jackson on charge of wasting police time when he complained of missing takings.

We're set to go...Tine and GG are limbering up and are down to their bikinis ( just bottoms in Tine's case.....................................) er....sorry, lost my line of thought there. I'm set in the commentary box, and Pletch is sat at his grocery box he took from Jackson's using a butternut squash as a pretend microphone...now that I've begrudingly let him pretend to commentate...

Lets get it on...

GG is quick out of the blocks...swing wildly at her buxom opponent...catching her with a few good blows. Tine is on the defensive.backing away towards the showers...in fact they're now in...what's Tine up to? Tine has legged it round the showers pressing in those buttons that make them come on ( for about 10 seconds before you have to press them again...how crap are they? ) GG is confused...she's got tepid water in her eyes and can't see Tine....

Tine has crept up behind her, and what's she holding? Its her bikini top...where did that come from? She's wrapped it around GG neck and is throttling her...BOOOO dirty play. Tine has now pulled her out of the showers and is swinging her head first into the lockers...

...and now she's dragged her to the weird shallow verucca pool....she's trying to drown her!!!

Ref step in quick!...Feck that's me....Rams, control your fighter......hang on............

 

[Plechazunga]

But far from controling his fighter, Rams is having some difficulty controlling himself, come on man this isn't the first time you've been confronted with Tine's mammoth arsenal...

nope, he's legged it to the bogs.

 

[Davo]

The good news is GG is ok...well, she's alive....some of the local coppers piled in just in time to pull Tine away - tho I suspect there was an alternative motive...

Tine wins....but she's one mean fecker

 

[Davo]

Yet another gem from the Davo and Plech school of comedy. Doesn't anyone know anyone from the beeb's comedy dept? These two should be a feckin' double act. They're wasted !

Its a nice thought Charlie, but I'm not convinced that the Beeb have got an opening for a couple of cnuts who make up fights between manc forum members, in Hull..

If such an opening does exist, by all means let me know..

 

[Plechazunga]

Well what a bout that was...nasty, yet let's be honest, highly erotic. A noble attempt there from GG, retired hurt, best wishes I'm sure from all our viewers and I'm sure we all want to see you back with me in the artificial waves as soon as possible...I'll formulate a game based on 'Fraggle Rock' just for you luv.


In the meantime, before the next round, lets have a bit of hush, because it seems local Hull-based pop superstars Kingmaker and the Housemartins are doing a musical number, a bit echoey in this splendid ladies' changing room here at the Woodford Leisure Centre, but unmistakably a cover version of The Smiths' Girlfriend in a Coma:


Girlfight in bikinis,
In Hull, in Hull,
It's serious...
Girlfight in bikinis,
In Hull, in Hull,
It's really serious...

There was Tine when she could have murdered Loobs
But you know you would love to get slapped by those boobs...

Girlfight in bikinis,
In Hull, in Hull,
It's serious...
Girlfight in bikinis,
And Davo's gone
Delerious...

 

[Wobbly]

Well what a bout that was...nasty, yet let's be honest, highly erotic. A noble attempt there from GG, retired hurt, best wishes I'm sure from all our viewers and I'm sure we all want to see you back with me in the artificial waves as soon as possible...I'll formulate a game based on 'Fraggle Rock' just for you luv.


In the meantime, before the next round, lets have a bit of hush, because it seems local Hull-based pop superstars Kingmaker and the Housemartins are doing a musical number, a bit echoey in this splendid ladies' changing room here at the Woodford Leisure Centre, but unmistakably a cover version of The Smiths' Girlfriend in a Coma:


Girlfight in bikinis,
In Hull, in Hull,
It's serious...
Girlfight in bikinis,
In Hull, in Hull,
It's really serious...

There was Tine when she could have murdered Loobs
But you know I would love to get slapped by her boobs...

Girlfight in bikinis,
In Hull, in Hull,
It's serious...
Girlfight in bikinis,
And Davo's gone
Delerious...

On this theme, their must be other songs that can be used as a soundtrack to the Girlfest in Hull Baths....Something along the lines of Dire Strait's "Fisting by the pool"

 

[Davo]

SEMI FINAL 2

Livvie vs Liz - The battle of the Mods

Redcafe member, Hull rozzers, you at the back...who are you? The cleaner? How did you get in here...get him out...ffs

This should be a belter..2 experienced Cafers, both holding responsible positions...which they will temporarily cast aside to do battle in bikinis.....in Hull

Liz looks confident...striding around the changing rooms, flexing her muscles in her mickey mouse bikini

Livvie remains still...staring at her opponent, unblinking

Pletch and Divine are glaring at each other...and offering last minute words of advice to their lady bikini fighters..

You can cut the atmosphere in this chlorine smelling changing room with a knife..........

 

[Plechazunga]

Come on Liv get in there early show yer class i want a nice clean fight second thoughts I don't give a feck take her out nimbly does it keep to the gameplan you know how it goes yes dance around her keep dancing and....kickherinthehead keep it nimble ffs you can do it you're the greatest you're a legend you're gonna be the champ you're the best in the business do it for me do it for Ole do it for Weaste come on you're better than that YOU ARE INVINCIBLE LIVVIE!!!!!! KICK HER IN THE FECKING HEAD!!!! COME OOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Davo.

 

[Davo]

Livvie's game plan is apparant from the off...she's nimbly dancing around Liz, and the benches and clothes hooks and that...aiming to kick her in the head. But Liz has anticipated this threat...how did she know? She's caught Livvie leg and slammed her into the lockers......now she's charged her...and again, Livvie screams in pain as Liz drives her into the lockers...both ladies are sweating already.....

Livvie has moved clear from the lockers, and has put some distance between herself and Liz...moving behind the benches....what's she doing...she's throwing something at Liz...Liz screams at she's struck in the face..it appears to be some kind of coin. Livvie has collected forgotten 10p pieces from the lockers whilst she was getting a battering...you've got to admire her ability to think on her feet....coin after coin is rattling off poor Liz...careful Livvie...you could take someone's eye out..

Livvie's out of coins..and Liz is after her...seething, blood now splattering her small bikini. she's got hold of her and has in her in a headlock...she's dragging her towards the small shallow verruca pool....but wait! There's no water in it? Where's it gone? Pletch has emptied it....look, he's got the plug in his hand...quick thinking....Divine is furious...he's lunged at Pletch...Pletch is nimbly dancing around him...lads, lads, lads...we're here to watch the girls....behave...

Liz is dragging Livvie out of the changing room area...they'er heading towards the main pool...

Quick...everyone to the pool

 

[Wobbly]

This is scary.....Im getting a mental picture of this fight...

 

[Plechazunga]

Christ this is exciting...though it's hard to get a decent view as Divine is throwing armbands at me...I'd better kick him in the head again. Davo.

 

[Divine]

Christ this is exciting...though it's hard to get a decent view as Divine is throwing armbands at me...I'd better kick him in the head again. Davo.

Armbands? You should be happy if you get away with that. I have a few spare ear rings that I might find a use for. Sharp edges on those feckers...

Your nimble dance moves are no match for my pirate fighting skills...

 

[Plechazunga]

OK Big man, see if you can control your fecking fighter before you start talking yourself up, Liz is out off control, look she's lost he bikini bottoms now too...and straddling like that isn't allowed...OI! don't come here swinging that 'kin fire-hydrant...


Ow.

 

[Davo]

We're now at the poolside...the fight will not be taking to the hydraslide - as I don't know whether Hull pool has such facilities...but the swimmers and lifeguards alike have stopped to stare....

Liz has clattered Livvie into the metal steps by the shallow end and lobbed her into the pool....before piling in after her..landing a bomb on top of her....the kids in the pool are screaming and legging it away as the ladies trade blows and attempt to duck each other...the water has turned pink as the panic leads to kids losing control of their bladders...

Liz has still got the upper hand....Pletch has got hold of a rubber lifering and thrown it to Livvie who looks tired....she brays Liz over the head with it..and then slams it over her head..pinning her arms to the sides of her body.....is this the key stage in the fight?

Livvie is pressing home her advantage, punches falling on poor Liz from all angles...Liz is packing to the edge of the pool...hang on, why's she suddenly smiling? I believe she's leaning against one of those pump things...its having a desired effect......the high pressure bubbles appear to be giving her a lift. Livvie has stopped in panic....

HEADBUTT...Liz has caught her a cracker...the lifeguards are in ..its all over....

Tomorrow's final will contest the 2 most vicious fighters...Liz and Tine

Not for the faint hearted.

 

[Plechazunga]

I PROTEST! Liz was indecently clad, having lost her bikini pants...I DEMAND A REMATCH!

 

[Davo]

Feck off Pletch...your girl was beaten fair and square....there are no rules in Girlfight ( in bikini's ) In fact, even the wearing of bikini's is no longer a requirement..

Your efforts would be better spend consoling Livvie...she's battered...go and play wombles with her or summat...

I've got a final to organise for tomorrow...all Hull's going to know about this before long....

I'm going to hire some limos for the finalists to arrive in....they do have limos in Hull don't they?

 

[Plechazunga]

Not limos as such...but my uncle Izzie's old Vauxhall has black windows from 25 years' accumulated grime...that might have to do.


Don't worry Liv, you were great...nimble as all getout...they cheated is all, come on my brave girl, let's play a little bit of the womble game...

 

[Divine]

I PROTEST! Liz was indecently clad, having lost her bikini pants...

Part & parcel of the game mate, Liz should be complimented on her move, as it's definitely in the spirit of the contest...

If you can't handle it, there's a free spot vacancy as caddy over at the Hull golf course (something tells me that doesn't exist, but nevermind)

 

[redcharlie]

Great semis and all credit to the fighters. There's still a few tickets for the final left, but they're now changing hands at twice face value. Ask for Redcharlie, if you want to go. You'll find me and a few other canny members crashing out in the emptied veg racks at Mr Jackson's grocery store tonight. Mr Jackson has calmed down a bit as i threw him a freebie for tomorrows final and 50% of the lodgings takings. Please note, digital cameras, camcorders and taping devices of any kind are all barred from the Grand Final, so doggers need not apply. A book is allegedly being opened by 26 and Big Andy is bringing the silk blindfolds for which he no longer has any use to ease the fighters nerves on their way to the 'arena'.
Bring it on!

 

[Honest John]

What the back pages say..

Humber Rumble Sell-Out - The Times

Muscles from Brussels Books Her Date Daily Telegraph

Liz - A Certainty. But Tine Might Steal It The Independent

"I Shagged Martians in an Ostend Bar" - Tine Daily Sport

Liz "I'll do the Biz" but Tines no Boob The Sun

Girlfight Final - Proof that War in Iraq was Illegal The Mirror

The Biggest Event in the City for 796 years Hull Evening News

 

[Wobbly]

What the back pages say..

"I Shagged Martians in an Ostend Bar" - Tine Daily Sport


The Biggest Event in the City for 796 years Hull Evening News

 

[Plechazunga]

Great semis and all credit to the fighters. There's still a few tickets for the final left, but they're now changing hands at twice face value. Ask for Redcharlie, if you want to go. You'll find me and a few other canny members crashing out in the emptied veg racks at Mr Jackson's grocery store tonight. Mr Jackson has calmed down a bit as i threw him a freebie for tomorrows final and 50% of the lodgings takings. Please note, digital cameras, camcorders and taping devices of any kind are all barred from the Grand Final, so doggers need not apply. A book is allegedly being opened by 26 and Big Andy is bringing the silk blindfolds for which he no longer has any use to ease the fighters nerves on their way to the 'arena'.
Bring it on!

cue Charlie making a fortune touting and then giving it all to 26 on a longshot...

What the back pages say..

Humber Rumble Sell-Out - The Times

Muscles from Brussels Books Her Date Daily Telegraph

Liz - A Certainty. But Tine Might Steal It The Independent

"I Shagged Martians in an Ostend Bar" - Tine Daily Sport

Liz "I'll do the Biz" but Tines no Boob The Sun

Girlfight Final - Proof that War in Iraq was Illegal The Mirror

The Biggest Event in the City for 796 years Hull Evening News

love it...

THE RUMBLE IN THE HUMBER

 

[Plechazunga]

I've just thought, on the limo front, as well as my uncle Izzie's grimy old Vauxhall, there are lots of hearses! They're almost like limos...

The groundsmen are already getting the 'arena' ready (that is actually the Humber shoreline, doubters!

The magnificent Bridge

The contestants arrive...

The esteemed referee/commentator

WILL LIZ GET RUMBLED? OR WILL TINE GET HUMBLED?
FIND OUT TOMORROW IN THE
RUMBLE IN THE HUMBER