"I'm in here, trying to motivate you feckwits in 60 seconds when there's a man out there you could be listening to who's won this club a fecking European Cup in less time."
"I hope you're all ashamed of yourselves. Because we all fecking are. "
"Dave's in goals, Diogo, Eric, Victor and Luke at the back.
Scott, Ander and Paul in the middle, Marcus, Tahith and Mason up top. "
"Joel, Phil, Matteo, James, Nemanja, Juan and Jesse you're on the bench. "
"Romero, have some fecking respect for yourself mate. You were in a world cup final a few years ago. Go find a club and get off your arse."
"Ashley, you take Antonio upstairs. There's some old Dad's Army reruns on telly he might pick up a few words from. Keep the windows closed though, cos Mary said she saw that seagull outside the kitchen again this morning.
"ANTONIO FOLLOW ASHLEY... NO FOLLOW ASH... WHAT THE FECK IS THAT? A LETTER? IS IT A CARD FROM THE FECKING QUEEN? GRAND PUT IT... NO DON'T PUT IT UNDER THE FECKING DOO... WHY THE FECK WOULDNT YOU PUT IT THROUGH THE LETTERBOX? JESUS JUST FECK OFF"
"Right where was I? What's the fecking point in having all you Spanish feckers if none of you can teach that gobshite anything? "
"Big Rom, I was going to put you in goals but Ed said you'd probably break too many floodlights saving penalties so you just stay here and kick the ball against this wall. If you can manage 4 one touch returns from 3 feet or more you can come out and sit on the bench for the second half. Try not to get signed by Juventus or Inter Milan before I get back."
"Who's left? Your man sulking in the corner? Ah yeah, Anthony - you stand in there by the showers for the first half. If the ball hasn't come to your feet by half time you can feck off home. To France. Bring Smalling with you - maybe he'll be better at holding picket lines than defensive ones."
"Best of luck out there lads. Let me know how ye get on. I'm off next door to watch the rugby."