Morning everybody. I'd like to start by introducing Roy Keane. Roy is going to be in charge of player welfare this season, so if you have any complaints, or don't feel like giving your best, please speak to Roy. I understand that Roy would now like to spend a few minutes to introduce himself and speak to the squad. See you all on the training pitch.
If you could have 1 minute with the players, what would your team talk be?
- Thread starter DeGea
- Start date
Who?
Hahahaha... just imagine the carnage that ensues..
"He's 2 yards Gary! Get to the ball like your life depends on it"
"Guys, meet Kanté, each time your energy levels drop below his, the bunny gets it.........and when I say bunny, I mean I punch Jesse in the face"
"Alright, lads. Listen up. Now this thing here is called a football, anyone seen one of these before?"
'Paul, Anthony, Alexis....pack your gear and get out, Mr Woodward will be arranging your transfers imminently, I don't want to see you back here again'
Things have been hard recently and we all know the performances have not been good enough in terms of our expectations. It is time to work hard, focus, be open and with that we know we can turn it around if we do this together. What matters now is what we do in the future and not what we have done in the past. It starts with Cardiff and it is time for us to give our all in a collective way. It is not just about who starts and what roles you might be given, but also how we make the best out of the situation. We need to stay together and push each other to always be at our best. It doesn't matter what fans and media say and how much we might disagree/agree with all the bullshit.
We are Manchester United and it is time that we show that!
We are Manchester United and it is time that we show that!
"In my hand are 10 envelopes containing the names of the players that will let me down this season"
Fixed.
Back then we had men. Now we have spoilt boys.
"Patrice, anything to say? Nothing boss.."
"Lads, it's (whoever we were playing against)"
Morning lads, I've just put you lot on eBay 1 day auction, so pack your shit and feck off out of here.
You are all shite. Your new contracts are on Ed's desk.
Okay! Say hello to my little friend!
In this envelope I have the names and addresses of the families of 3 people who are going to dissapoint me. At the end of the season I'm going to dissolve these families in acid, breaking bad style. If you don't want your families dissolved, don't be amongst the 3 people who are going to dissapoint me.
..... Stares for 55 seconds ..... "you are all getting sacked in the morning". Leaves the room without closing the door.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I fecking hate Ed,
And I hate you too.
Violets are blue,
I fecking hate Ed,
And I hate you too.
I would give them an Al Pacino-style inspirational speech. No, not like in Any Given Sunday, like in Scarface!
"I'm in here, trying to motivate you feckwits in 60 seconds when there's a man out there you could be listening to who's won this club a fecking European Cup in less time."
"I hope you're all ashamed of yourselves. Because we all fecking are. "
"Dave's in goals, Diogo, Eric, Victor and Luke at the back.
Scott, Ander and Paul in the middle, Marcus, Tahith and Mason up top. "
"Joel, Phil, Matteo, James, Nemanja, Juan and Jesse you're on the bench. "
"Romero, have some fecking respect for yourself mate. You were in a world cup final a few years ago. Go find a club and get off your arse."
"Ashley, you take Antonio upstairs. There's some old Dad's Army reruns on telly he might pick up a few words from. Keep the windows closed though, cos Mary said she saw that seagull outside the kitchen again this morning.
"ANTONIO FOLLOW ASHLEY... NO FOLLOW ASH... WHAT THE FECK IS THAT? A LETTER? IS IT A CARD FROM THE FECKING QUEEN? GRAND PUT IT... NO DON'T PUT IT UNDER THE FECKING DOO... WHY THE FECK WOULDNT YOU PUT IT THROUGH THE LETTERBOX? JESUS JUST FECK OFF"
"Right where was I? What's the fecking point in having all you Spanish feckers if none of you can teach that gobshite anything? "
"Big Rom, I was going to put you in goals but Ed said you'd probably break too many floodlights saving penalties so you just stay here and kick the ball against this wall. If you can manage 4 one touch returns from 3 feet or more you can come out and sit on the bench for the second half. Try not to get signed by Juventus or Inter Milan before I get back."
"Who's left? Your man sulking in the corner? Ah yeah, Anthony - you stand in there by the showers for the first half. If the ball hasn't come to your feet by half time you can feck off home. To France. Bring Smalling with you - maybe he'll be better at holding picket lines than defensive ones."
"Best of luck out there lads. Let me know how ye get on. I'm off next door to watch the rugby."
"I hope you're all ashamed of yourselves. Because we all fecking are. "
"Dave's in goals, Diogo, Eric, Victor and Luke at the back.
Scott, Ander and Paul in the middle, Marcus, Tahith and Mason up top. "
"Joel, Phil, Matteo, James, Nemanja, Juan and Jesse you're on the bench. "
"Romero, have some fecking respect for yourself mate. You were in a world cup final a few years ago. Go find a club and get off your arse."
"Ashley, you take Antonio upstairs. There's some old Dad's Army reruns on telly he might pick up a few words from. Keep the windows closed though, cos Mary said she saw that seagull outside the kitchen again this morning.
"ANTONIO FOLLOW ASHLEY... NO FOLLOW ASH... WHAT THE FECK IS THAT? A LETTER? IS IT A CARD FROM THE FECKING QUEEN? GRAND PUT IT... NO DON'T PUT IT UNDER THE FECKING DOO... WHY THE FECK WOULDNT YOU PUT IT THROUGH THE LETTERBOX? JESUS JUST FECK OFF"
"Right where was I? What's the fecking point in having all you Spanish feckers if none of you can teach that gobshite anything? "
"Big Rom, I was going to put you in goals but Ed said you'd probably break too many floodlights saving penalties so you just stay here and kick the ball against this wall. If you can manage 4 one touch returns from 3 feet or more you can come out and sit on the bench for the second half. Try not to get signed by Juventus or Inter Milan before I get back."
"Who's left? Your man sulking in the corner? Ah yeah, Anthony - you stand in there by the showers for the first half. If the ball hasn't come to your feet by half time you can feck off home. To France. Bring Smalling with you - maybe he'll be better at holding picket lines than defensive ones."
"Best of luck out there lads. Let me know how ye get on. I'm off next door to watch the rugby."
Incidentally, if ever a thread should have a relaxing of the swear filter it's this one!
"It's my way, or the Highway, now let's do this"
Paul, what are you still doing here
Great speech!
"I get that some of you don't want to be here. You want to go to a winning club? Barca or Madrid? Well then show them first why should they want you. Show them that you are more than your fashion and dressing sense, your instagram posts and your fleet of cars. Show them that you can deliver on pitch and not just on twitter. Do this and maybe you would start loving this club and shirt and even if you go, you would hold your heads high. Because when you hang up your boots, nobody will remeber your tweets but what you did on the pitch. Start doing it now."
I would start doing a dumb handshake on Facebook live with Mike Phelan. After the minute was up I would throw the phone at Young's face and tell the rest how fecking stupid they look and their football is shite.
There are no fecking men in this squad, no one to stand up and take the team by the scruff to get them playing. Sick of them all to be honest.
There are no fecking men in this squad, no one to stand up and take the team by the scruff to get them playing. Sick of them all to be honest.
Paul, everybody keeps telling me you’re this world class footballer. I don’t see it, but then again, I don’t see many of these cnuts helping you out. So, from now on, you don’t pass to where they are, you pass to where they should be. Make the cnuts run.
Jesse, you’re shit. So either start acting like you’re shit, or start playing like you’re acting.
Rashy, stop hanging out with Jesse, he’s leaving a shit stain a mile wide on your performances.
Scott, keep up the good work.
Dalot, stop modelling your right back performances after Ashley Young’s, he’s shit at right back.
Dalot, stop modelling your left back performances after Ashley Young’s, he’s shit at left back.
Dalot, stop modelling your right wing performances after Ashley Young’s, he’s shit at right wing.
Shaw, when you feck up in your defensive duties, I wanna see you run so fast to get back into position that you get black eyes from those giant tits slapping you in the face.
Young, time to hang it up, buddy.
Phil, you’re gonna have to find a new place to sit. Woody is getting bale in and he’ll be needing that bench youre so fond of from now on.
Chris, feck off. We need mike.
Mata, you run like a 35 year old chihuahua. But I love ya.
David, the fax machine is fixed now. Thank you for your service.
Lukaku, I’m confused. Are you a footballer or a doctor who villain? I havent seen someone do that good an impression of a statue since the weeping angels episode.
Martial, perhaps you’ll find a feck to give wedged into all that cash you give you each week.
Jesse, you’re shit. So either start acting like you’re shit, or start playing like you’re acting.
Rashy, stop hanging out with Jesse, he’s leaving a shit stain a mile wide on your performances.
Scott, keep up the good work.
Dalot, stop modelling your right back performances after Ashley Young’s, he’s shit at right back.
Dalot, stop modelling your left back performances after Ashley Young’s, he’s shit at left back.
Dalot, stop modelling your right wing performances after Ashley Young’s, he’s shit at right wing.
Shaw, when you feck up in your defensive duties, I wanna see you run so fast to get back into position that you get black eyes from those giant tits slapping you in the face.
Young, time to hang it up, buddy.
Phil, you’re gonna have to find a new place to sit. Woody is getting bale in and he’ll be needing that bench youre so fond of from now on.
Chris, feck off. We need mike.
Mata, you run like a 35 year old chihuahua. But I love ya.
David, the fax machine is fixed now. Thank you for your service.
Lukaku, I’m confused. Are you a footballer or a doctor who villain? I havent seen someone do that good an impression of a statue since the weeping angels episode.
Martial, perhaps you’ll find a feck to give wedged into all that cash you give you each week.
I’d take Neil Warnock in with me then leave the room closing the door behind me and run like hell!
I'd give them directions to the airport and a 1 way ticket
....pointless
Firstly, let me tell you what I wouldn't say. I wouldn't say: remember the traditions and history of this great club; I wouldn't say remember that we are United. I wouldn't even say remember what a privilege it is play for the biggest and most successful club in the world. I wouldn't say those things because not a single one of those things, though true, would be likely to motivate them.
Instead I would say, Liverpool have won the Champions League and finished 30 points ahead of us and whilst you might not be bothered about that our fans are and they are going to remind you of it every single week. So just remember that next time you think of putting in a sub standard performance.
Your salaries are going to the fans this week. You know how? I'm going to tell you fecking how. We're gonna make a goal plated model of a dump with exactly 11 turds on it for every single ticket holder. And these turds will have the names of the starting XI today. And you will go on the pitch and play like the stinking turds you are. And they will boo you. And they will laugh at you. And they will sing about how much of a shitty turds you are. And you know what? We'll do the same next week as well. Maybe we'll put poop emojis on the back of your name. You feckers would like that, wouldn't you, you cnuts? We'll do it the week after that, as well. And the week after that. For the rest of your fecking contracts. We'll drown Manchester in golden turds.
So those of you who want to stay, start playing like you care for the badge on the shirt not the name. And those of you who don't want to tlstay, you can feck off. We'll pay off your contracts in the turds the fans should have gotten, just to let you know you'll always be a stinking shit who kept letting the club down.
So those of you who want to stay, start playing like you care for the badge on the shirt not the name. And those of you who don't want to tlstay, you can feck off. We'll pay off your contracts in the turds the fans should have gotten, just to let you know you'll always be a stinking shit who kept letting the club down.
Well played sir - I would actually get most of the team doing ride-alongs and work with the foundation to give them this grounding.
Here is your p45 piss off to at least 6-7 players would be my 1st point !
"You're fired"
Play Fatboy Slim - Push the tempo. Simple and clear instructions are good starting point.
" I've registered all of you for the FA Women's Super League and I'm promoting the ladies to the Premier league. Now go and show your worth in the Women's League"
Honestly, I would ask them do they feel ashamed and embarassed, if for anything else than for all those poor fans who traveled to see that abominations that were the Everton and Huddersfield games. I would tell them if they had any guts and pride, they would refund the travel costs to all those fans, from their undeserved sallaries.
“...you got subways for the rest of us Luke?”
Pre-season
Day 1 - Training
Just 1 minute?
So short.*Assuming we retain all the players.*
---
Backstory
Weeks before, I would have kicked many deadwood, lazy, shit players out already -- telling 'em face to face they're a disappointment, explaining all my problems nicely but with brutal honesty to each of 'em, and maybe many more curses words for players who retaliate, clear out their locker and all the paperwork details, go tell your agents to find you a new club, in the meantime kick all of 'em to the reserve and fine them if they don't show up there or did but create problems.
If few of 'em (eg. Lingard) convinced seriously hard and well to me to give 'em one more chance, then.
"Sure, go start at the reserve, dominate it and you'll get your few last chance with the first team."
Special treatment to Grant, Mata, Matic and Darmian.
"Thanks for your professionalism and contributions, but we're looking ahead now, building for the future."
---
So back to the present Day 1.ATK Rashford, Martial, Chong, Gomes, Greenwood.
MID Pogba, Herrera, McTominay, Pereira, Fred, Garner, Levitt, Puigmal.
DEF Lindelof, Shaw, Smalling, Dalot, Tuanzebe, O'Connor, TFM, Mitchell.
GKs De Gea, Romero, Joel P, Henderson, O'Hara, Kovar.
Just 13 First Team players + the loanees + the 7 kids breaking through + most of the U23 + all U18 + new transfers.
*Yeah, I'm giving some players eg. Martial here last chance to prove themselves.*
MID Pogba, Herrera, McTominay, Pereira, Fred, Garner, Levitt, Puigmal.
DEF Lindelof, Shaw, Smalling, Dalot, Tuanzebe, O'Connor, TFM, Mitchell.
GKs De Gea, Romero, Joel P, Henderson, O'Hara, Kovar.
Just 13 First Team players + the loanees + the 7 kids breaking through + most of the U23 + all U18 + new transfers.
*Yeah, I'm giving some players eg. Martial here last chance to prove themselves.*
". . . . . . . . . ."
(10 seconds of silence, watching every single player with serious expression.)
"From Busby Babes to Fergie's Warriors..."
"All of You who remain here are chosen for your potential and characters.
Do You want to win or lose?
Are you fighters?! Or men who surrender?
Tell me!
Are you real men?! Or are you bunch of cowards?
Men of action?! Or mouthy lazy bit**es who love to moan, sulk! and complain?
Do you have big ambition or just here for the money and fame?
And Most importantly..
Do You want to be Manchester United players or not?
Prove it.
If you believe you can, join us, trust me and we'll win 'em all~~~
If you believe you can't and have shit ambitions, leave now and never come back.
...
Which one do you want to be?
Manchester United players or bunch of losers?
Choose well.
...
It's time.
Let's go train United lads~"
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