poster origins

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rimaldo

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a collection of the origins of posters that inhabit this world.

rednome - a humble man. a humble man with fingers too large to type properly. rednome is in fact a typo. the bald one wanted us to know of his follicly challenged ways by declaring himself "reddome"when he joined the fabled caf on account of the fact his head was constantly red due to the sun and his lack of protection against it due to a lack of hair. why his hair was lost is a mystery. some say red indians scalped him. some say he lost it in a game of poker, others claim he is the offspring of weaste, a large bottle of brandy and an unfortunate, stray shynx cat called neville. this is all open to conjecture of course. all we know is this lack of hair has affected him so and all he can muster is days working alone and smoking weed as he takes photos of things from his window, too scared to venture outside due to the sun and the thought of ridicule. some say he will find his hair again someday. other's call him a cnut. some are undecided.

spammy - born and inbred in sunny liverpool spammy grew up as a street urchin. although you wouldn't know it for his modest surroundings and lack of role models other than some moustachioed scousers didn't turn him into a stereotype. he has grown up from a tearaway ragamuffin to be quite the man actually. a regular on jeremy kyle. he has been out of work for many years due to a variety of ingenious excuses, all designed to confused and confound the people at the dss and keep his benny money trickling in. a bad leg due to falling down the stairs after falling over a washing up basket placed precariously at the top of the stairs. a wounded knee after running away from some native americans who were chasing him after a bodged robbery. a lack of enthusiasm for all things manchester. tolerated and somewhat loved. he's alright for a scouser.

dr. dwayne - known to most as simply “red moose man lover”, the doc is often found skulking around the open fields of the canuck looking for “prey” as he calls them. dressed only in women’s panties he occupies the heathy growth around the edge of the fields, war paint, believed to be moose droppings, smeared across his mostly naked body and a stethoscope draped around his chicken like neck, just waiting for a moose to violate. many fear going on to the cold marshlands after dark. for their woolly attire for keeping the cold out is very similar to that of the moose and the wild doc, hepped up on goof balls and wild animalistic lust often confuses the two. one brave man escaped with his life and has this story to tell.

“yeap. it was around half 8 on a cold february night darn tooting. i moseyed on out into the fields for a walk. a strange grunting seemed to follow me as i yokelled my way across the green. all of a sudden this darn lunatic jumped from the trees and stripped me off my woolly jumper. i done a recoil in horror hot dang and saw this strange man, you know one of them homosexual types, hunched over my jumper giving it the darn humping of a life time. i yelled ‘hey man you better be at least paying for the dry cleaning’ he shot me a look with his cat like eyes and ran off like a dog into the bushes. them bushes wobbled for a good fifteen minutes hooooowey before a good few final, easier wobbles brought it to a rest”

born in the late 1940’s the doc was raised by native americans in an abandoned gold mine on the outskirts of vancover. they hailed him as a sun god due to the constant bright red rash around his genitals. he was soon cast out of the mines for his sins. his sin of trying to bribe the tribe elder with moose droppings for a quick bang of his back doors. with a limited grasp of the english tongue he found a rather large bearded lady to stalk in the city centre. he’d wait outside the doctors surgery all day, glaring at her through the windows. he’d break in at night when everyone left to smell the base of her musty chair. it was then he had his master stroke. he broke into one of the doctors office’s and stole a diploma from the wall. from that day on he passed himself off as dr. dwayne, always convincing people of his qualifications with a stolen diploma. always looking for moose to violate.

esmufc09
- just too fat to use toilets properly this poor soul defecates wherever he can find space to move. some say he faked his own death so he could gorge in mcdonalds without the hassling of millions of adoring fans. some say he’s not the real elvis, that elvis would have enough money not to live at home with his mother and just sit posting on the internet all day. a beacon of hope to all. yes you may not get the ladies and yes you may not be popular or indeed cool, but you can carve out a semblance of an existence by be e-cool. a loveable smurf and a credit to his people.
 

uae

Desperately wants a tagline under his name
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It's true, i always call the Doc "Red Moose Man Lover"
 

rimaldo

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merman - part fish, part tallywhacker. this unfortunate genetic experiment wanders around the coast line of southern asia constantly bumping into things due to his bottom half, that of a fish and the top half that of a one eyed man snake. don't let his comical appearance diminish your view of him, for he is a dangerous mutant. with his jap's eye he can clasp the handle of a cricket bat and woe betide anyone who gets in his way. he is not afraid to use it, just ask loveable fido, the trusty pet of a local girl. this cuddly dog was on a lovely day out to the beach with his adoring owner. they skipped and chased sticks as they frolicked along the sandy beaches. that was until they bumped into merman. the moment he laid eyes on the young beauty the top half of his body grew. it was struck with rigamortis. he demanded sex off of the girl but she refused. fido didn’t know what had hit him. run out into exile to the depths of the sea by the locals, merman tapped into an underwater broadband line and has ever since posted on the caf. trying initially to cover up his chequered past and unfortunate affliction by naming himself dipperstripper. a middle aged liverpudlian woman with 4 children and a 40 a day habit who pleasured the men of the mersey by taking of her clothes. it wasn’t long before his true identity was revealed.
 

Merman

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merman - part fish, part tallywhacker. this unfortunate genetic experiment wanders around the coast line of southern asia constantly bumping into things due to his bottom half, that of a fish and the top half that of a one eyed man snake. don't let his comical appearance diminish your view of him, for he is a dangerous mutant. with his jap's eye he can clasp the handle of a cricket bat and woe betide anyone who gets in his way. he is not afraid to use it, just ask loveable fido, the trusty pet of a local girl. this cuddly dog was on a lovely day out to the beach with his adoring owner. they skipped and chased sticks as they frolicked along the sandy beaches. that was until they bumped into merman. the moment he laid eyes on the young beauty the top half of his body grew. it was struck with rigamortis. he demanded sex off of the girl but she refused. fido didn’t know what had hit him. run out into exile to the depths of the sea by the locals, merman tapped into an underwater broadband line and has ever since posted on the caf. trying initially to cover up his chequered past and unfortunate affliction by naming himself dipperstripper. a middle aged liverpudlian woman with 4 children and a 40 a day habit who pleasured the men of the mersey by taking of her clothes. it wasn’t long before his true identity was revealed.
:lol:
 

rimaldo

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uae - the offspring of the sultan of brunei‘s swimmers, a turkey baster and a desert horse desperate to have children who turned to ivf as a last hope of fulfilling this lifelong dream, you know one of them desert horses that has a hump on its back? claiming a royal blood line uae has ever since "dined out" with women on the back of his illustrious sperm donor. hung like a desert horse he has no problems getting the women. spits when angered but can go days without water. our middle eastern friend of royal descent.
 

rimaldo

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twisted woody - a tragic soul. one born out of a loving upbringing and a strong libido. if you were to bump into this chap you'd just pass him as any other normal man and wouldn't give him a second glance but beneath his trousers he harbours a terrible shame. a twisted member. for at 17 this poor soul had a constant need for sexual stimulation and relief. he'd grown tired of wanking into the same old sock every night and decided that this night would be different. he would attempt masturbation carradine style. an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys were set up in his bedroom as his loving parents watched heartbeat downstairs. he began working his magic and everything appeared to be working well. until the moment of climax. his exaggerated movements caused one of the ropes to snap and his member was mangled and twisted in one of the pulleys. his parents rushed up to see what all the commotion was and the woodster was found unconscious on the floor with his twisted tallywhacker bent out of all recognition. shock first hit them then a brain wave. that's £250 of you've been framed money if they ever saw it. after 2 minutes of footage they took him to the hospital. from that day on his shame burns uncontrollably inside of him. he has found refuge in the cafe, the redcafe refugee camp.
 

Flying Fox

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What about Espada? :lol:

Quality work though. Could you do a write up on me? :p
 

Twisted_Woody

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twisted woody - a tragic soul. one born out of a loving upbringing and a strong libido. if you were to bump into this chap you'd just pass him as any other normal man and wouldn't give him a second glance but beneath his trousers he harbours a terrible shame. a twisted member. for at 17 this poor soul had a constant need for sexual stimulation and relief. he'd grown tired of wanking into the same old sock every night and decided that this night would be different. he would attempt masturbation carradine style. an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys were set up in his bedroom as his loving parents watched heartbeat downstairs. he began working his magic and everything appeared to be working well. until the moment of climax. his exaggerated movements caused one of the ropes to snap and his member was mangled and twisted in one of the pulleys. his parents rushed up to see what all the commotion was and the woodster was found unconscious on the floor with his twisted tallywhacker bent out of all recognition. shock first hit them then a brain wave. that's £250 of you've been framed money if they ever saw it. after 2 minutes of footage they took him to the hospital. from that day on his shame burns uncontrollably inside of him. he has found refuge in the cafe, the redcafe refugee camp.
:lol::lol:
 

Adzzz

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Form an orderly queue before Rimaldo writes about your member lads.
 

rimaldo

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top - danish for photoshop. this poster spent the entire of his teenage years just searching for filth on the internet. he'd built up quite the collection of internet based porn videos and numerous jars filled with the outcome of his lengthy research. then tragedy stuck. on the 20th october 2002 top had in fact watched every single bit of porn the internet had to offer. his personal favourite being two men one horse. he decided for the first time in 9 years to venture outside of his bedroom. he didn’t like what he found. in real life women weren't prepared to squeeze an octopus out of their vag for his pleasure. most of them did not in fact have relations with one another and men didn't all have the large members he'd lusted after for so many wasted hours. he returned to his room and the sanctity of his computer and vowed never to return to the outside world. with a lack of unseen porn he turned to graphic related programs. in an attempt to create new porn. some that would excite him again. it was here he stumbled across photoshop. many gifs of muppets spooging on football players later he was finally there. a redcafe legend and photoshop genius was born.
 

rimaldo

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eyepopper - pretty self explanatory really. he has the constant appearance of surprise and shock with eyes budging out of his face. some say he was born like that. an unfortunate fall out of the ugly tree accompanied by many hitting of the braches on the way down. urban legend says differently. it is strongly believed that as a young boy pop grew intrigued by the sounds emanating from his parents’ bedroom. it sounded like someone was being attacked. he crept up to the door as quietly as possible and opened it just enough so he could peer into the room. nothing could quite prepare him for what he saw. none other than tv legend and orange bender dale winton. pop had long admired his manly voice and delicate features. he was wrestling with pop's old man on the bed and winning too. pop was almost ashamed of his dad as dale had him pinned down for a good 20 minutes and all his dad could do was groan loudly. he returned to his bedroom to look in the mirror only to discover his eyes bulging out of his head. seeing his boyhood tv idol in the flesh had shocked him so the look of surprise never left his face. to this day he remains just as shocked but ultimately happy.
 

rimaldo

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flying fox - an australian vigilante. he's out there at night, rummaging through bins looking for discarded tampons and soiled panties. all vital clues he feels will lead him to discover the true identity of the sydney drug lord he wishes to catch. the drug lord who probably doesn't exist but the flying fox needs a reason to hoard used tampons. night after night this ginger prince dresses up in a batman-esque costume made from bin liners and used takeaway containers. he calls himself the flying fox. he only speaks about himself in the third person and only ventures out during the day to watch his aussie counterparts fail at cricket. fail miserably i might add. the flying fox. here on the caf for more insight into the sydney drug lord. tapping away on the keyboard with fingers encased in dry vag blood.
 

rimaldo

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espada - the man needs no introduction. a government experiment designed to be used as a humane weapon of mass destruction. bombs and the likes are so 1940's and a new kind of warfare was needed to combat terrorism in the middle east. perversity is not greatly tolerated in this particular region so this is the new attack on terror. in 1985 the government raided an orphanage and stole three children. these three were to be known as "project x - the project by were we make some sickos to scare middle easterns with perversion" was its secret code in case it was intercepted by anyone. the plan was that these children would be locked in a room where they would be forced to watch the nastiest porn the internet had to offer over and over again, bestiality, incest, nothing was taboo. the special government agents assigned to take the boys to this secret location were shocked to discover that during the car journey on the way to the secret location one of the boys had managed to shove the action man he was playing with right up his sphincter past the soulders and was dry humping the other two in turns. this prodigy needed no such exposure to depravity. he was ready already. espada was his name. during the next few days he managed to escape from government clutches and has ever since posted on here.
 

Adzzz

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This thread reminds me of that lesser known Shakespearean tragedy: "Two Gallon's Of Jizz and a fairy bun"
 
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