The red curtain had been in front of the press since they entered the room. Voices whisper and mutter, echoing around the room with wonder. Today is the first day of David Moyes reign as Manchester United manager. It had been 15 minutes since the journalists were allowed in, when suddenly the lights dimmed.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you have all been waiting for..."
Silence.
Celebration by Kool and the Gang starts to play. The curtain lifts. There is a runway.
The music kicks up a notch... the announcers voice comes back on.
"Introducing, our first new signing. All the way from Barcelona. THIIIAAAAAAGOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Boom! Confetti bursts from the runway, Thiago comes out. He's on rollerskates wearing Man Utd speedos. He screeches to a stop at the end of the platform and does a wink and point. He skates back to the side of the runway and dances on the spot.
"Coming up next, signing number two.... KEVIN STROOOOOOOOOTMAAAAAN"
Confetti launches from the stage again, but Strootman is nowhere to be seen. The reporters gasp as they notice him ziplining from the rafters to the stage. Also sporting Man Utd speedos, he lands like a graceful swan, turns around and belts out a rendition of Oh Robin Van Persie.
The music is still blaring. "CEEEELEEBRAAATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!". At this point the press are swaying side to side and clapping.
"Time for signing number three. We have no need for him but we signed him anyway. IT'S GARRRAAAAAYYYYYYYY!".
More confetti. Garay, donning United speedos, backflips down the stage. It's the greatest thing some of these reporters have ever seen. He flexes at the mic and then joins Thiago and Strootman in dancing at the side of the stage. They form a guard of honor.
"Time for the piece de resistance, people. Meet the man who made this all possible. DAVVVIIIIIDDDD.....MOOOOOYYYYEEEESSSS!!"
fecktonnes of confetti rain down. Moyes is in a bitching suit. He struts down the runway like a don, reaches the mic and signals for the music to stop. Suddenly everyone notices the human shaped object right by the mic that has been there the whole time. It is draped in a red sheet.
Silence. Moyes stares at the press. One journalist cannot take his death stare and runs out of the room crying.
Moyes grabs the sheet, and pulls.
It's Cristiano Ronaldo.
BOOM. the music kicks back on. Confetti is absolutely everywhere. Moyes rips off his entire suit in one move to reveal United speedos. He's also wearing rollerskates, nobody noticed this. Ronaldo, also in United speedos, starts dancing. Moyes does the best move everyone has ever seen. He is joined by all his new signings as they strut around the stage.
"CEEEELLLLEEBRRAAATTE GOOOOOD TIIIMES, COME ON!"
