De Gea - I mean, you've literally chucked the ball into your own net. It's like all of our defensive players watch back the stupidity from the previous game then think "I'm not having him outdo me"
Bissaka - He's not been the same since someone stole the top half of his head.
Lindelof - Universal master of the deftly lofted through ball to absolutely fecking no one.
Maguire - What I really want from my centreback is that when we're 2-0 down, he's 70 yards out of position, bafflingly hogging the ball from all his team mates while spinning around three times in a circle and the punting it straight off the pitch. Seriously this guy is an absolute joke. How do none of our coaching staff tell him what an idiot he's being? How do his team mates not constantly want to punch him in the face?
Shaw - Gets booked in nearly every game due to being too lazy (or unfit) to run back...which then also, in every game, creates a problem late on when the opposition break and he can't risk tackling the guy running at him. Amazing that someone with this little game intelligence would probably struggle to make it into our starting 11 of most stupid footballers.
Fred - Only player we had today prior to it being 2-0 who was delivering anything above a solid 2/10.
McTominay - Looks like someone on the Watford team came up and reminded him he was Scottish just before the game kicked off.
Lingard - Next time you're through on goal, maybe try the more routine finishing technique of backflipping over the keeper's head with the ball wedged between your legs and then backheeling it into the goal mid air. Idiot.
Rashford - Theo Walcott called. He wants his footballing ability back
James - Probably time to give him a break, except the alternative is, well, no one. Or Mata, which is like no one except without the partial credit you get for bravely struggling to defeat with only 10 players.
Martial - Is there a reason why he can't play like he did towards the end, you know, all the time? Or at least, slightly more of the time? Or at least, you know, look vaguely like he is trying to?
Pogba - Actually did very well, apart from the stupid dive.
Greenwood - Why bring him on to play on the wing? Yet again by the end I had no idea where any of our forwards were actually meant to be playing.
Mata - The only reason at this point to bring Mata on is to show everyone that you've run out of ideas of things to do but feel like you need to look like you're trying to do something
Man Utd weekly team sessions:
Mistake therapy - A group of first team players get together and go over their mistakes from the previous week, and discuss how they're all going to make sure they don't learn a thing from any of them.
Defensive corner practice - Someone who can't take corners, takes corners, while a group of players who can neither defend nor attack a corner stand in the box watching the ball fly over their heads over and over.
Offensive corner practice - See above, except occasionally one of the defending players will accidentally score and then everyone starts celebrating.
Practice match - The first team squad watch Harry Maguire walking about aimlessly with the ball for half an hour.
Tactics discussion - Ole and the gang use visual diagrams to explain again to Greenwood where to stand when the teams line up for photos before the game.