Philip Schofield

[Maluco]

Think people are too quick to jump to black and white conclusions when it comes to these situations.

It's not as simple as him being straight or gay or bisexual. It's a spectrum along which there are people who struggle their whole lives to pinpoint exactly where they lie. He hasn't necessarily been lying to his wife or family all along, because he may not have fully known or understood what or who he was until recently.

At the end of the day, who the feck are we to feel sorry for his wife or to have any opinions about the guy and what he could, should or might have done? She seems to be supporting him and his decision to come out, so for me, deciding to feel sorry for her is more than a little condescending. For all we know, she spent "the best years of her life" raising a family with someone she loved and has been a part of this process for him all along.

People are too quick to jump to cynical conclusions and offer unnecessary opinions about deeply personal matters these days. Why not just take his statement at face value and let them worry about the personal stuff?

Showing sympathy to people in a difficult situation isn’t condescending. If it were, society would be a horrible place to live in.

But agree with you, in that there are not enough public details to feel strongly one way or another or to really know how people feel.

But even in his statement and interview, you could tell it’s been painful and a process for all parties. So it isn’t at all condescending to have sympathy.

I wish them all the best anyway and hope everyone has peace about the situation.

 

[macheda14]

How do you feel about him lying to his wife and presumably breaking his sacred vows? Getting married appears to have been a purely selfish act to protect his career.

Seems like you do give a feck

 

[Inigo Montoya]

Maybe he's in a relationship.

Gordon the gopher?

 

[diarm]

Showing sympathy to people in a difficult situation isn’t condescending. If it were, society would be a horrible place to live in.

But agree with you, in that there are not enough public details to feel strongly one way or another or to really know how people feel.

But even in his statement and interview, you could tell it’s been painful and a process for all parties. So it isn’t at all condescending to have sympathy.

I wish them all the best anyway and hope everyone has peace about the situation.

I'm all for sympathy when we have the details and know what the people involved were going through. In this case we don't and nor do we need to.

The way it was being offered in some of the posts in this thread was condescending in my opinion.

 

[Penna]

So he's a cheat basically. That's really my point here.

I suspect his wife has known about this for some time.

 

[Inigo Montoya]

I suspect his wife has known about this for some time.

Happy to put up with it as long as they can keep up their lifestyle

 

[Verminator]

How do you feel about him lying to his wife and presumably breaking his sacred vows? Getting married appears to have been a purely selfish act to protect his career.

Some rather large preconceptions there.
How about his psyche being formed in a world where anything but 'the norm' was a reason for ridicule and persecution?

A lot of people don't set off from the outset thinking "I'm gay but I'm going to hide it for 'X' reason. They grow up in a society that behaves a certain way, and conform, in opinion and behaviour, only to realise that they had walled in their true self.

At some point in their life, they will question the way they see things, and eventually look from a different viewpoint. This may be a revelation achieved in later life.

I couldn't condemn anybody for the realisation and transformation into their true self, rather than living a lie.

What I'm saying is, rather than approaching it from the point of him lying to his family or the public, it could be a case of him correcting the travesty of lying to himself.

 

[redmeister]

Because there is a clear difference the way society treats homosexual people and how they treat heterosexual people. So the reasons a Gay man might enter a situation like marriage is completely different why a straight man would.
It's that simple. They are completely different

I think you are missing my point. By the time many couples are approaching their 60's, sex isn't really part of their relationship. Most men of 57 find hot young women very attractive, but they don't get praised for coming out and saying it. My point is, why can't he just behave like most men who aren't attracted to their old wife? Being gay hasn't got much to do with it, unless you plan on being sexually active outside of your marriage. If you aren't planning on being sexually active, then why do you need to tell anyone you are gay? It seems to me that Phil is just announcing that he's planning sexual relationships outside of his marriage, as he's more attracted to men than his he is his wife. I'm not sure he's be met with the same levels of understanding if he said he'd prefer sex with younger women than his wife. Ultimately, at approaching 60, not too many people are going to want to shag their wives, gay or not.

I'll be completely honest here, as she has no idea this forum exists, but now in her early 40's, my wife is not what she used to be. But at the same time, I'm now balding, have put on weight and keep putting my back out. Neither of us are going to get more physically attractive in the years to come either. But I'd hope our relationship can withstand the natural process of not be sexually attracted to one another in the way we once were. So whether Schofield is gay or not, isn't the issue. The issue is that he's getting praised for effectively saying he is sexually attracted to people who aren't his wife and thus is seemingly going to act on it. I don't see how that makes him any different to millions of middle aged family men.

If he was younger and hadn't had a family, then I think you could argue it's completely different. I'm not saying he should be criticized, but simply that he shouldn't be praised or called brave etc, is it seems to totally distract from what is really going on here. A 57 year old man is announcing he wants sex outside of his marriage or that he is ending his marriage for that reason.

 

[TheReligion]

Absolutely floored by this one

In the week you bring us Cafeleaks this happens. Phil has totally stole your thunder on this!

 

[Shane88]

The wife had to know. You don't keep something like that secret for near 30 years.

 

[Thunderhead]

The wife had to know. You don't keep something like that secret for near 30 years.

he might not have know himself over the 30 years, a bloke I know only became 'homosexual' in his 40's, wasn't married but had no interest in either sex until his mid 40's

 

[Devil81]

he might not have know himself over the 30 years, a bloke I know only became 'homosexual' in his 40's, wasn't married but had no interest in either sex until his mid 40's

It's surely got to be impossible to not know you are homosexual.

You either find women attractive or you find men attractive, you are not telling me in his teen years he didn't get a strange feeling whenever he found a boy attractive because all us heterosexual males found girls attractive. These guys are selfish as they are in denial, as said earlier in this thread the same happened to my aunt, her husband fvcked off and started living his supposed best life and left her in the lurch with three young children. Thankfully she was at young enough age to enjoy her years but she's never ever trusted a man enough to settle enough since. I don't believe for a second she'd feel that way if she wasn't used by someone to convince his family he wasn't gay.

The sad thing was there is always people that know and have allowed the farce of a relationship to go on longer than it was necessary.

 

[MyOnlySolskjaer]

Must have been a huge weight lifted from his shoulders, good for him.

 

[Oldyella]

Happy to put up with it as long as they can keep up their lifestyle

Oh come on that's an unfair judgement to make. We dont know the details of what's happened over time here, but they were obviously in love at some point, and possibly still are, just a different way from his point of view.

 

[2 man midfield]

Good luck to him is all I can say

 

[Edgar Allan Pillow]

I'm a bit confused here....He loves his wife and has kids and is also attracted to other men, technically he's a bisexual rather than a gay, right?

 

[Inigo Montoya]

Must have been a huge weight lifted from his shoulders, good for him.

Double entendre not intended

 

[dannyrhinos89]

he might not have know himself over the 30 years, a bloke I know only became 'homosexual' in his 40's, wasn't married but had no interest in either sex until his mid 40's

Don’t homosexuals always say they are born that way and that you can’t just turn gay. You either are or you aren’t situation.

How on earth your friend only just realised in his 40’s he was gay I can’t understand. To be honest I think he was just having you all on for years and he always knew himself.

 

[2 man midfield]

I'm a bit confused here....He loves his wife and has kids and is also attracted to other men, technically he's a bisexual rather than a gay, right?

It's probably pretty complicated, he said he's gay so he's gay I guess.

 

[Pexbo]

I'm a bit surprised by some of these posts, as most of you are considerably younger than me. It's not at all unusual for gay men to be married and have children - happened often in the past when homosexuality was illegal, still happens nowadays and probably always will in some societies.

It's much easier nowadays for a young gay man to be open about his sexuality, but Schofield was young at a different time. Anyway, it's really only the concern of him and his family.

Perhaps it's a nice reflection on society that the younger generations reaction to someone who stayed in the closet for most of their life is "Why on earth would you do that?"

Hopefully it's an indication of how accepting youth culture is towards LGBQT issues.

 

[Sara125]

I know this isn’t the same but it’s interesting nonetheless...

I read an AMA on reddit ages ago from a gay man. He was happily married to a woman (she wasn’t a ‘beard’ i.e. a cover up, as he was very openly gay). He said that the reason he married her is because they loved each other as best friends do, she was his soulmate and he couldn’t see himself with anyone else and he even said that they had sex frequently and he was able to get aroused. I can’t remember if he said he had sex with other men though I will try and find the thread and edit the link in to the post. Just thought I’d share it because it’s interesting how we as humans view and engage in stuff like relationships, sexuality etc.

edit: here it is if anyone cares to know more
https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp....iama_gay_guy_who_married_a_straight_girl_ama/

 

[Inigo Montoya]

Perhaps it's a nice reflection on society that the younger generations reaction to someone who stayed in the closet for most of their life is "Why on earth would you do that?"

Hopefully it's an indication of how accepting youth culture is towards LGBQT issues.

Some youth! There is still a huge amount of homophobic and racist abuse among young people. Working in education I wonder how far we’ve really come?

 

[Edgar Allan Pillow]

It's surely got to be impossible to not know you are homosexual.

You either find women attractive or you find men attractive, you are not telling me in his teen years he didn't get a strange feeling whenever he found a boy attractive because all us heterosexual males found girls attractive.

Theories state that bisexuality is a stable orientation in addition to homo and hetro sexuality. It still hasn't been researched fully, but it stands to reason that the partner preferences a bisexual person can change naturally.

 

[2 man midfield]

I know this isn’t the same but it’s interesting nonetheless...

I read an AMA on reddit ages ago from a gay man. He was happily married to a woman (she wasn’t a ‘beard’ i.e. a cover up as he was very openly gay). He said that the reason he married her is because they loved each other as best friends do, she was his soulmate and he couldn’t see himself with anyone else and he even said that they had sex frequently and he was able to get aroused. I can’t remember if he said he had sex with other men though I will try and find the thread and edit the link in to the post. Just thought I’d share it because it’s interesting how we as humans view and engage in stuff like relationships, sexuality etc.

Sexuality is a spectrum I guess, if some people have arrangements like that and it works for everyone then happy days. I don't think it's anyone else's business to say 'oh well you can't have a wife as well.'

Who cares?

 

[Sara125]

Sexuality is a spectrum I guess, if some people have arrangements like that and it works for everyone then happy days. I don't think it's anyone else's business to say 'oh well you can't have a wife as well.'

Who cares?

I agree

 

[Devil81]

Theories state that bisexuality is a stable orientation in addition to homo and hetro sexuality. It still hasn't been researched fully, but it stands to reason that the partner preferences a bisexual person can change naturally.

That's complete rubbish, there are more sexual open people than others who maybe prefer the idea of living life as a free spirit and to sample whatever they fancy.

The majority either fancy the opposite sex unless they fancy the same sex. I think the vast majority if not all gay males would admit they truely knew at a young age and that they always questioned why the fancied the same sex. Most boys will follow stereotype and feel the need to fancy there high school pretty girl rather than the high school, pretty boy. Today's society has a completely different mentality and have a far more open mind view life, so I don't think there will be many of these cases in future.

People throwing support around him are pathetic, he should have done this with more dignity rather than shouted out from the rooftops. It makes a mockery of his long-standing wife. People will always ask how she didn't know...

 

[Classical Mechanic]

I know this isn’t the same but it’s interesting nonetheless...

I read an AMA on reddit ages ago from a gay man. He was happily married to a woman (she wasn’t a ‘beard’ i.e. a cover up as he was very openly gay). He said that the reason he married her is because they loved each other as best friends do, she was his soulmate and he couldn’t see himself with anyone else and he even said that they had sex frequently and he was able to get aroused. I can’t remember if he said he had sex with other men though I will try and find the thread and edit the link in to the post. Just thought I’d share it because it’s interesting how we as humans view and engage in stuff like relationships, sexuality etc.

It just isn’t a straight line for want of a better phrase. Cant see the value in judging Schofield, his family dynamics, unconventional or not, are his business.

Heard this bloke on the radio earlier talking about his dad coming out as gay in later life along with becoming one of the UK‘s biggest crystal meth dealers. Turned out his mum was gay too. He was very positive about it all.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Dad-mild-mannered-Britains-biggest/dp/191262446X

 

[Sara125]

It just isn’t a straight line for want of a better phrase. Cant see the value in judging Schofield, his family dynamics, unconventional or not, are his business.

Heard this bloke on the radio earlier talking about his dad coming out as gay in later life along with becoming one of the UK‘s biggest crystal meth dealers. Turned out his mum was gay too. He was very positive about it all.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Dad-mild-mannered-Britains-biggest/dp/191262446X

Thanks sounds interesting!

 

[Brwned]

Never thought he was straight, even in the 90's. Was a shock to find out he had a wife, but I didn't want to assume sham marriage and just assumed I'd got it wrong.

If his wife didn't know, then it must be a horrendous revelation as she's given him her best years and had her chance of finding true happiness taken from her.

Terrible situation all round.

What are we defining as "true" happiness here, and how have those years been taken? Sexual attraction is a very small part of a happy life with someone, particularly after kids enter the family, and even more so as the decades go by. And that's putting aside the notion that meaningful happiness can only come from being in a relationship...

 

[Edgar Allan Pillow]

That's complete rubbish, there are more sexual open people than others who maybe prefer the idea of living life as a free spirit and to sample whatever they fancy.

A quick google would give you information on whose opinion is rubbish.

 

[Relevated]

What are we defining as "true" happiness here, and how have those years been taken? Sexual attraction is a very small part of a happy life with someone, particularly after kids enter the family, and even more so as the decades go by.

Yeah in all honesty, even though he was sexually attracted to men it's very much possible he gave his family more joy and happiness than a straight man could have given them.

Making someone happy, being there for someone and growing with someone doesn't need to always revolve around love or sex. Life is beyond that.

 

[TrustInOle]

Aint really going to reply to this thread after this, but wow. The judgmental views and downright disturbing comments in here show exactly what is wrong with the Caf these days. Truly shocking on what should be a day for others in similar circumstances to feel strength in stepping out. Brave is what I think he is, especially going of just this thread.

 

[Halftrack]

I think you are missing my point. By the time many couples are approaching their 60's, sex isn't really part of their relationship. Most men of 57 find hot young women very attractive, but they don't get praised for coming out and saying it. My point is, why can't he just behave like most men who aren't attracted to their old wife? Being gay hasn't got much to do with it, unless you plan on being sexually active outside of your marriage. If you aren't planning on being sexually active, then why do you need to tell anyone you are gay? It seems to me that Phil is just announcing that he's planning sexual relationships outside of his marriage, as he's more attracted to men than his he is his wife. I'm not sure he's be met with the same levels of understanding if he said he'd prefer sex with younger women than his wife. Ultimately, at approaching 60, not too many people are going to want to shag their wives, gay or not.

This is really fecking dumb. You're not seriously comparing coming out as gay to announcing that you'd rather shag young girls than your aging wife? Surely, you're not that fecking thick?

 

[horsechoker]

Aint really going to reply to this thread after this, but wow. The judgmental views and downright disturbing comments in here show exactly what is wrong with the Caf these days. Truly shocking on what should be a day for others in similar circumstances to feel strength in stepping out. Brave is what I think he is, especially going of just this thread.

It seems like people think he was doing something sinister by being in the closet. I don't know if he ever cheated but as far as we know he didn't. I imagine Phil is from a generation where being wasn't something you could just be without facing societal consequences, he may have carried that fear for a long time as well as the fact that he could have destroyed his family.

 

[redmeister]

This is really fecking dumb. You're not seriously comparing coming out as gay to announcing that you'd rather shag young girls than your aging wife? Surely, you're not that fecking thick?

I'm saying the only reason to announce that you are gay at 57, is to effectively end your marriage to seek other sexual partners and that is no different to straight men doing it. People are focusing way too much on the "coming out" part. There are loads of men who are in sexless marriages, especially as they get older. In a good marriage this isn't a problem as the couple have a special bond and often a family etc. However, this isn't always the case and sometimes, more often the man, goes off seeking sex elsewhere. By announcing he is gay, Schofield appears to be doing exactly that.

 

[Devil81]

A quick google would give you information on whose opinion is rubbish.

Listen I don't care what info there is on the Internet.

Anyone man who's been through puberty knows your mind is a wild state of testosterone and sexual tension. Most of us grabbed at porn mags and videos and would get our fill of women from them. He must have known at that stage, he must have known that he wasn't thinking the same way as the other lads and that the women in the pages wasn't doing for him what it was doing for others. He will just have refused to accept it and lived what he perceived and normal life to keep family and himself happy.

He more than likely wanted a conventional family but the reality is he will have known there really wasn't any sexual spark there. There are millions of straight men living in relationships for their kids.

If he was a decent bloke he'd have left after the kids were born at an age where they wouldn't have been emotionally effected. He could then live his life how he seen fit and his wife could have found someone who appreciated her for being a women, instead she now has 27 years of doubt about whether the man she loved even found her sexually appealling. I wouldn't want to be back on the market at nearly 60, you've just wasted your best years on someone who didn't even appreciate you sexually.

 

[Edgar Allan Pillow]

Devil's working himself to get the best banning award for next season, I see.

 

[Devil81]

Well done Phil...

Honestly he's destroyed a family, he's not a battered wife who's mustered up the courage to leave an abusive husband.

He's lied for the past 27 years.

 

[Devil81]

Devil's working himself to get the best banning award for next season, I see.

Read back. I've got strong views because something similar has personally affected my family.

I know how this damages the wife as I've seen it first hand with my aunt.

 

[Brwned]

Read back. I've got strong views because something similar has personally affected my family.

I know how this damages the wife as I've seen it first hand with my aunt.

And you also know that not all situations are the same, and that everything you've said so far about how "the wife" has been forced to deal with it, are simply your assumptions which don't fit with the very limited information available