'Muck' 
Stupid things you've said to people you fancied
- Thread starter Plechazunga
- Start date
Muck
Like Strachan and Velocity.
Like Strachan and Velocity.
I wonder if we should have some sort of poll for the winner of this thread
Obviously Smashed would be a favourite, along with "All the better to rape you", late contender "Muck", my new favourite "Cereal" and of course Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod.
I'd vote for Dunc MacLeod. You could lock a team of writers in a room with a bong, a dozen laptops and an ounce of pot and they wouldn't come up with anything better than that.
Yeah, it's genius. Every time I think about it I crack up, but also experience almost physical pain.
Macleod..hands down, at least Smashed got his willy wet during his ordeal.
I wonder if we should have some sort of poll for the winner of this thread
Obviously Smashed would be a favourite, along with "All the better to rape you", late contender "Muck", my new favourite "Cereal" and of course Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod.
was on a first date with a girl from school who I had fancied for ages(was about 15), we went out with a couple of my mates and a couple of her mates with carry-outs hanging round belfast...so eventually we get down to having a snog and then and feck knows why...I decided it would be really funny to take a mouthful of beer...go in for a snog and then spit the beer into her mouth....then when she shouted "what the feck are you doing" i replied "spitting beer in your mouth"...she then stormed off with her mates following...so me and my mates decided to try and break some shop windows instead.
later in life sharing a flat with my mate, his girlfriend was round with her best mate, who I had taken quite a shine too, she then suddenly came on to me....we had a few drinks and smokes then i just took her by the hand and led her to my bedroom...couldnt believe she just followed..i was fecking ecstatic anyway we're lying on my bed snogging rummaging around in each others undies as you do, when all of a sudden she pulls my trousers down and starts sucking my cock...Im now in heaven...cant believe my luck...shes looking up at me and sucking my cock when I decide to say "you look like a witch doing that" she stops and says "eh..how do i look like a witch?" and i said "Dunno must be your nose or something".
she stood up called me a dick and walked out, told her mate to dump my mate which she duly did.
but the worst one ever was a girl who I practically loved, I was so besotted by her...one night in laverys her mate told me I had to ask her out this night...so I walks up to her and says "so joanne would you like to go out with me sometime then?" (yes i am that smooth) to which she replied "No"...now i later found out she was about to follow up what she had just said by saying "i dont want to go out with you sometime I want to go out with you now" or something but I didnt give give her the chance as I interrupted and said "well feck you then you ugly cnut" and walked off. later her mate said she had cried all night cause she had really fancied me, but I couldnt convince her mate to say i was only hurt and joking and that i really fancied her still.
later in life sharing a flat with my mate, his girlfriend was round with her best mate, who I had taken quite a shine too, she then suddenly came on to me....we had a few drinks and smokes then i just took her by the hand and led her to my bedroom...couldnt believe she just followed..i was fecking ecstatic anyway we're lying on my bed snogging rummaging around in each others undies as you do, when all of a sudden she pulls my trousers down and starts sucking my cock...Im now in heaven...cant believe my luck...shes looking up at me and sucking my cock when I decide to say "you look like a witch doing that" she stops and says "eh..how do i look like a witch?" and i said "Dunno must be your nose or something".
she stood up called me a dick and walked out, told her mate to dump my mate which she duly did.
but the worst one ever was a girl who I practically loved, I was so besotted by her...one night in laverys her mate told me I had to ask her out this night...so I walks up to her and says "so joanne would you like to go out with me sometime then?" (yes i am that smooth) to which she replied "No"...now i later found out she was about to follow up what she had just said by saying "i dont want to go out with you sometime I want to go out with you now" or something but I didnt give give her the chance as I interrupted and said "well feck you then you ugly cnut" and walked off. later her mate said she had cried all night cause she had really fancied me, but I couldnt convince her mate to say i was only hurt and joking and that i really fancied her still.
I'm suggesting that - unless you were an eye witness to the key moment in that anecdote - I would take his version of events with a massive pinch of salt.
The truth is a lot less likely to involve him acting like a playa and refusing to get tied down to one woman (man) and a lot more likely to feature a floppy cock, awkward silence, humiliation and subsequent rewriting of history by the floppy cockee.
I like the use of the broom handle in the Highlander story.
If only Queen had been playing in the background.
If only Queen had been playing in the background.
Best thread on the cafe.
Brilliant thread, Classics destined for sure...it's also fascinating how many "absolutely stunning" girls have "really fancied" most members of the Caf at some point.
Most of mine involve me trying to do something incredibly smooth like throwing and catching something in an extravagant but relaxed way which then invariably leads to something being spilled all over her, or, hitting her in the face...I could just make one up though, that'd be better....I'll get back to you
Most of mine involve me trying to do something incredibly smooth like throwing and catching something in an extravagant but relaxed way which then invariably leads to something being spilled all over her, or, hitting her in the face...I could just make one up though, that'd be better....I'll get back to you
This isn't really what I said to a girl I fancied, but rather what she said to me so I'm not sure if it counts.
Anyway, ages ago (over ten years at this stage) I did fancy one of the girls I worked with. She was going out with some asshole so I obviously didn't do anything. She split up with him one day and the next night I met her by chance in the nightclub. Grand, a bit of kissing.
We went back to her place and somebody was up, so we went back to mind. Bear in mind I was a raw 17 year old kid with was completely naive when it came to women. For three hours we sat there in the sitting room talking, that was it. Not even any kissing.
I walked her home anyway. As we got to her house at about 7am in the morning it started to rain. I said "feck it's starting to rain". Her reply haunted me for years. She said "Well it's the only fecking way I'm going to get wet, isn't it?" and she walked into her house.
She got back with her fella a couple of weeks later.
Anyway, ages ago (over ten years at this stage) I did fancy one of the girls I worked with. She was going out with some asshole so I obviously didn't do anything. She split up with him one day and the next night I met her by chance in the nightclub. Grand, a bit of kissing.
We went back to her place and somebody was up, so we went back to mind. Bear in mind I was a raw 17 year old kid with was completely naive when it came to women. For three hours we sat there in the sitting room talking, that was it. Not even any kissing.
I walked her home anyway. As we got to her house at about 7am in the morning it started to rain. I said "feck it's starting to rain". Her reply haunted me for years. She said "Well it's the only fecking way I'm going to get wet, isn't it?" and she walked into her house.
She got back with her fella a couple of weeks later.
That's class
That's a kick in the nuts rather than stupid
Well it was me being stupid not realising that she actually wanted sex. I hadn't a fecking clue! When she said that to me, it dawned on me what an idiot I was.
A mate of mine who had this this one conversational trick where he'd pretend to read the girl's palm and then deliver a particular joke which he claimed always made the girl laugh while at the same time helping to build the sexual tension. This fella seemed to take home a stunner seemingly every week so I solemnly took his advice on board.
Anyway, I was at a backpacker pub in the city one night got talking to a cute Irish girl. She'd travelled most of the world and had a lot of life experience, and I found myself really attracted to her. Understandably I got a bit excited when she suddenly grabbed my hand. As she began reading my palm I realised that this was my big chance to put my mate's advice to use.
When she was done reading my palm, I said 'Ok, it's my turn to read yours'. With my mate's story still ringing in my ears, I gently took her hand and began peering at the lines on her palm in complete concentration. Then I looked at her, and she looked at me, and I delivered these immortal words.
'Well your life line looks healthy, hun.' I said. 'But your cocksucking line needs a bit of work.'
She didn't laugh and it didn't build sexual tension. She just snatched her hand away looked at me like I had genital herpes.
Anyway, I was at a backpacker pub in the city one night got talking to a cute Irish girl. She'd travelled most of the world and had a lot of life experience, and I found myself really attracted to her. Understandably I got a bit excited when she suddenly grabbed my hand. As she began reading my palm I realised that this was my big chance to put my mate's advice to use.
When she was done reading my palm, I said 'Ok, it's my turn to read yours'. With my mate's story still ringing in my ears, I gently took her hand and began peering at the lines on her palm in complete concentration. Then I looked at her, and she looked at me, and I delivered these immortal words.
'Well your life line looks healthy, hun.' I said. 'But your cocksucking line needs a bit of work.'
She didn't laugh and it didn't build sexual tension. She just snatched her hand away looked at me like I had genital herpes.
Damn. I just got a horrible flashback to one afternoon in the Uni canteen...
I was trying to impress this girl, and had been making shit jokes around her for ages. I was going to get a drink, and she asked for a bottle of water. I walked back, and for some reason decided to throw it nonchalantly to her. Problem was, she didn't expect it, so it hit her hand, which was resting on the table. Her finger started swelling straight away, and a week later her fingernail fell off. Thankfully it grew back afterwards. She went cold on me from then on.
Ouch.
That's lucky....most peoples fingers don't grow back
You've bested me this time, shitbag.
It just fell off? Love how you say it so nonchalantly as if it's a normal thing to happen.
I don't really have any stories, I've one which demonstrates what a retard I was when it came to talking to women when I was younger. I was doing work experience in my old primary school and there was another girl working there who I'd fancied years ago but hadn't seen for a long time, nonetheless she was as good looking as ever.
I couldn't build up the courage to ask for her number but I knew my mate had it so I got him to give me it and I'd casually text her and ask her to bring something in to the school for me the next day in order to start up some conversation. Unfortunately for me I couldn't think of anything, so as I was supposed to be helping the caretaker relay the GAA pitch I ended up asking her if she had a fecking spade that she could bring in for me. Needless to say she didn't text back, nor did she bring in a spade the next day. Nothing compared to some of the stories floating about here but fecking stupid all the same.
As Mockers helpfully pointed out, they don't generally grow back.It just fell off? Love how you say it so nonchalantly as if it's a normal thing to happen.
Fingernails, on the other hand......
Ah right, didn't notice the edit. Makes a little bit more sense now.
true that, that's why it should have hurt like a kick in the cock
Many moons ago me and my best mate had pulled a couple of lasses in a club and took them back to his. I was absolutely steaming but pleased because I'd ended up with the fitter one of the two.
I was in the spare room getting busy with this girl and trying to string out the foreplay long enough to offset any potential whiskey dick problems. Anyway, I turn on the bedside lamp and it was clear that she had layered her make-up on with a trowel, covering up some Cameron Diaz'esuqe facial acne. Well that was it. I knew nothing would be happening so I needed an excuse...
"I'm sorry. I can't do this."
"Why? What's wrong?"
"I can't say" (I couldn't think of anything)
"It's ok, you can tell me"
"No. I just can't." (I'm really struggling to think of a good excuse here)
"It's fine. You can tell me anything. I won't mind" (Quite sweet of her actually)
Then I just blurted it out
"I really fancy your friend"
She went mental, grabbed all her clothes and started banging on my mates bedroom telling her mate to get her stuff as they were leaving now.
And then I hear my mate from the next room -
"He said what?! He must be off his feckin tits!"
Needless to say that the other girl wasn't best pleased either and they both fecked off never to be seen again.
amazing.
"Muck", ah I love it!
I really have to hand it to the guys on here, smashed, sammy, kinks, and many others. Classic thread.
When I was about 14 there was this girl I used to fancy a bit but we were only friends and not really that close. Anyway, one day a few others girls told me to ask her out as a joke. I said ok as I thought I would just fall back on the "i was just put up to it" if it didn't go well.
On a high school open day we were both tour guides. I asked her out quite abruptly and she said no, but I was fearless and persistent to the point of harassing. Anyway, we were going to the second floor of a building and she was walking in front of me on the stairs. I looked at her ass and thought "I'll have a go, got nothing to lose" and felt her up. She swore at me and punched me. When we were both outside later and no one was watching she started punching me more.
I learned something that day.
When I was about 14 there was this girl I used to fancy a bit but we were only friends and not really that close. Anyway, one day a few others girls told me to ask her out as a joke. I said ok as I thought I would just fall back on the "i was just put up to it" if it didn't go well.
On a high school open day we were both tour guides. I asked her out quite abruptly and she said no, but I was fearless and persistent to the point of harassing. Anyway, we were going to the second floor of a building and she was walking in front of me on the stairs. I looked at her ass and thought "I'll have a go, got nothing to lose" and felt her up. She swore at me and punched me. When we were both outside later and no one was watching she started punching me more.
I learned something that day.
So here’s my contribution. And it’s not so much embarrassing as pathetic and cringe worthy.
So, a couple of years ago me and some of my mates went out to this pub (if Pogue’s/Irishmen are reading it was Pogue or Pugg Mahone’s
). Now me, I’m pathetic at spotting the signs, and when I do I’m usually too chicken shit to do anything – or I wait too long and the opportunity passes – Melbourne Red can attest to this.
Anyway, this bird was eyeing me up across the dance floor. Me being me I was totally oblivious to it until one of my mates literally dragged me across to talk to her. She was there with her mate (who was extremely hot too – who apparently had a boyfriend), so I’m battling along being awkward as usual, but in my defence I was rather drunk. Anyway after 10 minutes or so of pathetic chit-chat I look across to see my mate snogging the feck out of her mate, so I figure feck this if he’s hooked in when all he was doing was dragging me along to talk to the bird then I better act fast. So I did.
Anyway as the night goes on she’s like let’s go to this other club and kick it off there, and I’m driving… At first I was like naaah, we should head home, I’ve got no money… But then after a right kick up my arse I said yeah. So she drove us three (me, my mate and her mate) to this other club. Anyway we continue on here ‘til the early in the morning when she offers to give us lifts home. She first dropped her friend off (took half an hour to get there), and then was on her way to drop us off, when I’m like ‘Well I’m on the way first so you can drop me and then drop my mate off……………..’ Having not yet read the signs…. She tells me she’ll drop me off home last…. And so we get out the front of my house, in her car, and she’s asks (and I remember this vividly):
‘So can I stay at yours tonight? I’ve got to drive all the way back to Dandenong and I’m tired (which is a good 30 minutes from my house, which makes implications of dropping me off even more blatant – she’d driven halfway around the city to drop us all off)…’
To which I panicked… ‘ooh aaaaah naaaah you shouldn’t my parents will get angry…’
So I kissed her on the cheek and fecked off inside…. A dead certainty for a root, even if I just shagged her in the car and told her to sod off after!!!! feck I was a softcock back then.
But wait, this isn’t even the end of the story…. It gets fecking worse.
So I message her the next week and we arrange to go out, we decide to go to the city and have a coffee. She comes to pick me up from my house (having just come from getting a tattoo earlier that day), we drive for 30 minutes to get into the city.
We spend 20 minutes driving around trying to decide what we’ll do/finding a carpark. We park.
We go to Starbucks, which we could’ve done (gone to similar places) anywhere around my house.
We talk there for a while, and have a drink. We go back to her car to find she’s got a $150 parking fine. At this stage I was going to leave her, as I had a meeting to go to somewhere else in the City – my mates, in all their infinite wisdom, had decided to start up a night at a club, and I said I’d promote for them so we were all having a meeting at the actual venue – anyway, she says she’ll take me there and even wait for me whilst I’m inside... I agreed.
But unfortunately I didn’t know where abouts the venue actually was, so we spend another 30 minutes driving around trying to find this place (me looking up the directory), in which time she gets a phone call from work, asking why she didn’t come in today…… She got fired (though apparently she didn’t care because she wanted to quit anyway).
Anyway, after another 10 minutes, and some illegal street-moves we find the club. She waits in the car dutifully as I’m inside for half an hour talking to my mates. I come out and say I can catch the train home/get a lift with my mates. She tells me she’ll take me home… I say it’s out of your way, she says it’s fine. I agree.
On the way home we were stopping at some lights, about 2 minutes from my house, when her car gets sideswiped.
I get dropped off, sat down, thought about the whole day and realized I just didn’t have the bollocks to call her again.
So in short, she drove half an hour to get to mine, another half an hour + 20 minutes to get into the city/find a parking spot and decide what to do. She gets a $150 fine. Gets fired. Waits half an hour in the car whilst I’m talking to mates. And then proceeds to get her car side-swiped on the way to dropping me home.
That’s her back then, on the right.
Sigh.
So, a couple of years ago me and some of my mates went out to this pub (if Pogue’s/Irishmen are reading it was Pogue or Pugg Mahone’s
). Now me, I’m pathetic at spotting the signs, and when I do I’m usually too chicken shit to do anything – or I wait too long and the opportunity passes – Melbourne Red can attest to this.Anyway, this bird was eyeing me up across the dance floor. Me being me I was totally oblivious to it until one of my mates literally dragged me across to talk to her. She was there with her mate (who was extremely hot too – who apparently had a boyfriend), so I’m battling along being awkward as usual, but in my defence I was rather drunk. Anyway after 10 minutes or so of pathetic chit-chat I look across to see my mate snogging the feck out of her mate, so I figure feck this if he’s hooked in when all he was doing was dragging me along to talk to the bird then I better act fast. So I did.
Anyway as the night goes on she’s like let’s go to this other club and kick it off there, and I’m driving… At first I was like naaah, we should head home, I’ve got no money… But then after a right kick up my arse I said yeah. So she drove us three (me, my mate and her mate) to this other club. Anyway we continue on here ‘til the early in the morning when she offers to give us lifts home. She first dropped her friend off (took half an hour to get there), and then was on her way to drop us off, when I’m like ‘Well I’m on the way first so you can drop me and then drop my mate off……………..’ Having not yet read the signs…. She tells me she’ll drop me off home last…. And so we get out the front of my house, in her car, and she’s asks (and I remember this vividly):
‘So can I stay at yours tonight? I’ve got to drive all the way back to Dandenong and I’m tired (which is a good 30 minutes from my house, which makes implications of dropping me off even more blatant – she’d driven halfway around the city to drop us all off)…’
To which I panicked… ‘ooh aaaaah naaaah you shouldn’t my parents will get angry…’
So I kissed her on the cheek and fecked off inside…. A dead certainty for a root, even if I just shagged her in the car and told her to sod off after!!!! feck I was a softcock back then.
But wait, this isn’t even the end of the story…. It gets fecking worse.
So I message her the next week and we arrange to go out, we decide to go to the city and have a coffee. She comes to pick me up from my house (having just come from getting a tattoo earlier that day), we drive for 30 minutes to get into the city.
We spend 20 minutes driving around trying to decide what we’ll do/finding a carpark. We park.
We go to Starbucks, which we could’ve done (gone to similar places) anywhere around my house.
We talk there for a while, and have a drink. We go back to her car to find she’s got a $150 parking fine. At this stage I was going to leave her, as I had a meeting to go to somewhere else in the City – my mates, in all their infinite wisdom, had decided to start up a night at a club, and I said I’d promote for them so we were all having a meeting at the actual venue – anyway, she says she’ll take me there and even wait for me whilst I’m inside... I agreed.
But unfortunately I didn’t know where abouts the venue actually was, so we spend another 30 minutes driving around trying to find this place (me looking up the directory), in which time she gets a phone call from work, asking why she didn’t come in today…… She got fired (though apparently she didn’t care because she wanted to quit anyway).
Anyway, after another 10 minutes, and some illegal street-moves we find the club. She waits in the car dutifully as I’m inside for half an hour talking to my mates. I come out and say I can catch the train home/get a lift with my mates. She tells me she’ll take me home… I say it’s out of your way, she says it’s fine. I agree.
On the way home we were stopping at some lights, about 2 minutes from my house, when her car gets sideswiped.
I get dropped off, sat down, thought about the whole day and realized I just didn’t have the bollocks to call her again.
So in short, she drove half an hour to get to mine, another half an hour + 20 minutes to get into the city/find a parking spot and decide what to do. She gets a $150 fine. Gets fired. Waits half an hour in the car whilst I’m talking to mates. And then proceeds to get her car side-swiped on the way to dropping me home.
That’s her back then, on the right.
Sigh.
You're a sex pest?
You're a mentalist C_M, although having said that she sounds a bit too persistent. Are you very good-looking? The only possible explanation (other than her being a potential stalker) is that you're a very handsome chap.
fecking hell Cesc you tight bastard!!
Cesc's 
She was fitt!
She was fitt!
I don't know what the feck was wrong with me back then, aside from being a massive softcock, that is.
Another gold nugget for this thread.
He's a looker, every time we went out clubbing there'd be good looking women eyeing him up, following him around, handing him drinks, finding an excuse to talk to him or dancing next to him hoping he'd notice. I remember at least one girl more or less begging him for sex.
Sadly most of the time he was too shy to do anything about it, the raging fecking bender.