One Utd headline you would love to hear in the coming days

DavidDeSchmikes

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2018/19 season revoked as City and Liverpool are relegated to the Conference following PED scandal.
 

Luke1995

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Pogba signs 15 year contract, reveals desire to lead a new United golden era
 

RedFish

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SiRed said:
ALL GOING ON AT OLD TRAFFORD


FULL ARTICLE

It was all happening at Old Trafford last night with so many news stories, we don’t know where to begin.

With so many headlines to cover, here see a timestamp and keypoints of the events that unfolded.


1655: David De Gea dumps his problem, and pain in the ass Spanish pop sensation girlfriend and put pen to paper on a 6 year deal with a clause to which he has agreed to start coming off his goal line once in a while. Fans are delighted with the news, however there is a meltdown thread on RedCafe that we have tied down a goalkeeper who doesn’t possess the ability to play in central midfield.

1704: Phil Jones, Marcos Rojo and Ashley Young have all been forced to retire due to injury. Ashley Young, Carrying Phil Jones in a ‘wheelbarrow race’ fashion to his car was left startled as he began to yawn, only for a Peregrine falcon to drop a huge load of excrement into his mouth. Stunned and poisoned, Young dropped Jones to the floor, only for Rojo to mistake him for a bouncing ball, jump out of his car and fly towards Jones with a 2 footed lunge. He arced across the twilight sky only miss the ball, in this case Jones and land straight into Memphis Depay’s army style 4X4, which has been clamped in the car park since he left due to a practical joke Involving a clamp, a key, Luke Shaw, a Sheppard’s Pie and 4 hookers….. More on this tomorrow.

1754: The ball from Uniteds 1st game of last season has finally been found. It hasn’t been seen since Lukaku tried to control a Victor Lindelof pass. It fell from the skies at 1754.


1805: The press gather round as De Ligt, Sancho, Rice, Neves and Wan Bissaka are all announced in one go. The £350m haul has United fans ecstatic. A statue is planned of Ed Woodward pointing at the sky, captioned ‘other teams can only dream of this.’ Again, threads are made on RedCafe discussing the bad points of each signing.

1830: Ole Solskjaer confirms he still uses David Moyes mouse mat, amid speculation the club have tried to dust away any memory of the useless ginger turd. Rumour circulates that Marouanne Fallaini’s curls are being adopted into a new hair piece for Mike Phelan.

1915: A press conference is called for Mike Phelan to deny ordering any hair piece and will still be sporting the big bald head next season, along with a return of the shorts.

2020: Ed woodward announces a new 35 year sponsorship with Chevrolet claiming the big yellow badge doesn’t infact ruin any shirt Adidas design but enhances them.

2200: Man Utd 27 year old youngster JLingz AKA Messi Lingard AKA Jessi Lingard AKA Jesse Lindegaard AKA face I would love to punch 12,985 times non stop has had to remove his clothing line due to ALL his entire stock being stolen. It was last seen in a transit van being driven by a very angry, very drunken Irish man who is believed to be known by friends as KEANO. JLingz Was selling his merchandise from the back of his van in the car park of the Wagon and Horses when suddenly the van just drove away.

2205: Marcus Rashford reveals his despair of what has happened raising the question ‘what can I wear to look like a complete c*nt now.’ Critics on RedCafe create a thread with an open message to Marcus saying, don’t worry about the clothes Marcus, just keep playing football and you will do just fine’

2230: Peter Odemwinge turns up in an attempt to force a move to United. He read a tweet from Indikailar confirming a £8m bid had been accepted. On arrival it emerged that nobody at Old Trafford has ever heard of him. This forced Anthony Martial to crack a smile for the first time since joining 4 years ago.

2231: Ed Woodward puts in a £16m for Odemwinge and announces a 4 year contract worth 600k per week despite knowing nothing of the player, but under Ole’s instruction that we need players that want to play for us, he thought Odemwinge would be worth every penny.
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol: Quite brilliant! Cheers for that.
 

Neil_Buchanan

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Transfer Madness - United sign Jovic, De Ligt, Sancho, Bissaka and Fernandes sell Lukaku, Martial, Rojo and Sanchez. De Gea 6 year contract signed plus stadium and training ground upgrade approved.
 

RedPed

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United spark major clear out rumours at Old Trafford as Ole tells Young, Smalling, Jones, Matic, Darmian and Lukaku to find new clubs.
 

davidmichael

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Glazers sell United and Woodward agrees to only work on commercial side of the club.
 

USREDEVIL

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Deadwood Ward clears all the deadwood in one huge deadwood transfer to Man City:

Young, Sanchez, Darmian, Jones, Smalling, Rojo, Bailly, Matic, Lingard, all gone for $20.
 

fergiesarmy1

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time machine invented by united fan, brings back prime fergie, best, Duncan, Bobby, Denis, Eric, giggs, Ronaldo, ruud, Rooney, Keane, vidic, Irwin and evra (and others before the haters come in)- destroys time machine and goes to pub
 

SteveJ

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'Hayley Atwell to marry SteveJ'
 

BlueHaze

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fergiesarmy1 said:
time machine invented by united fan, brings back prime fergie, best, Duncan, Bobby, Denis, Eric, giggs, Ronaldo, ruud, Rooney, Keane, vidic, Irwin and evra (and others before the haters come in)- destroys time machine and goes to pub
Click to expand...
This time machine, could it bring back my hair?
 

Eyepopper

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Chinese Club make £250m 'take it or leave it' offer for Sanchez

Alexis begs Utd hierarchy not to stand in way of his dream move.
 

fergosaurus

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United's Chevrolet shirt sponsorship terminated - 500m deal agreed with Sharpe
 

Zlatattack

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SiRed said:
ALL GOING ON AT OLD TRAFFORD


FULL ARTICLE

It was all happening at Old Trafford last night with so many news stories, we don’t know where to begin.

With so many headlines to cover, here see a timestamp and keypoints of the events that unfolded.


1655: David De Gea dumps his problem, and pain in the ass Spanish pop sensation girlfriend and put pen to paper on a 6 year deal with a clause to which he has agreed to start coming off his goal line once in a while. Fans are delighted with the news, however there is a meltdown thread on RedCafe that we have tied down a goalkeeper who doesn’t possess the ability to play in central midfield.

1704: Phil Jones, Marcos Rojo and Ashley Young have all been forced to retire due to injury. Ashley Young, Carrying Phil Jones in a ‘wheelbarrow race’ fashion to his car was left startled as he began to yawn, only for a Peregrine falcon to drop a huge load of excrement into his mouth. Stunned and poisoned, Young dropped Jones to the floor, only for Rojo to mistake him for a bouncing ball, jump out of his car and fly towards Jones with a 2 footed lunge. He arced across the twilight sky only miss the ball, in this case Jones and land straight into Memphis Depay’s army style 4X4, which has been clamped in the car park since he left due to a practical joke Involving a clamp, a key, Luke Shaw, a Sheppard’s Pie and 4 hookers….. More on this tomorrow.

1754: The ball from Uniteds 1st game of last season has finally been found. It hasn’t been seen since Lukaku tried to control a Victor Lindelof pass. It fell from the skies at 1754.


1805: The press gather round as De Ligt, Sancho, Rice, Neves and Wan Bissaka are all announced in one go. The £350m haul has United fans ecstatic. A statue is planned of Ed Woodward pointing at the sky, captioned ‘other teams can only dream of this.’ Again, threads are made on RedCafe discussing the bad points of each signing.

1830: Ole Solskjaer confirms he still uses David Moyes mouse mat, amid speculation the club have tried to dust away any memory of the useless ginger turd. Rumour circulates that Marouanne Fallaini’s curls are being adopted into a new hair piece for Mike Phelan.

1915: A press conference is called for Mike Phelan to deny ordering any hair piece and will still be sporting the big bald head next season, along with a return of the shorts.

2020: Ed woodward announces a new 35 year sponsorship with Chevrolet claiming the big yellow badge doesn’t infact ruin any shirt Adidas design but enhances them.

2200: Man Utd 27 year old youngster JLingz AKA Messi Lingard AKA Jessi Lingard AKA Jesse Lindegaard AKA face I would love to punch 12,985 times non stop has had to remove his clothing line due to ALL his entire stock being stolen. It was last seen in a transit van being driven by a very angry, very drunken Irish man who is believed to be known by friends as KEANO. JLingz Was selling his merchandise from the back of his van in the car park of the Wagon and Horses when suddenly the van just drove away.

2205: Marcus Rashford reveals his despair of what has happened raising the question ‘what can I wear to look like a complete c*nt now.’ Critics on RedCafe create a thread with an open message to Marcus saying, don’t worry about the clothes Marcus, just keep playing football and you will do just fine’

2230: Peter Odemwinge turns up in an attempt to force a move to United. He read a tweet from Indikailar confirming a £8m bid had been accepted. On arrival it emerged that nobody at Old Trafford has ever heard of him. This forced Anthony Martial to crack a smile for the first time since joining 4 years ago.

2231: Ed Woodward puts in a £16m for Odemwinge and announces a 4 year contract worth 600k per week despite knowing nothing of the player, but under Ole’s instruction that we need players that want to play for us, he thought Odemwinge would be worth every penny.
Click to expand...
There should be a like button just for posts like this.
 

RedTillI'mDead

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09.00
Wow, this morning we have one hell of a clear out to announce Manchester United have agreed deals to sell Young, Jones, Smalling, Lingard, Lukaku, Sanchez, Rojo, Darmian and Pereira. Mata has been released, along with the departures of Valencia and Herrera that is an incredible 12 players out. We have been told to expect further announcements as the days goes on...
12.00 More breaking news 5 year contracts agreed for Pogba, De Gea, Rashford, Gomes, Greenwood, Garner and Chong as United attempt to build from their core talents
15.00 An incredible day for Manchester United ends with an incredible presentation. A feature length Marvel movie is to be released with an array of new United signings. The project is more than just football is the message from Woodward, as he signs a £100bn 10 year movie deal featuring our top talents.
17.00 The press room have been sat for two hours in wanderlust. You will not believe it. This really is something out of the movies. Manchester United revolution with signings of De Ligt, Sancho, Mbappe, Tieliemans, Koulibaly, Skrinier, Neves, Felix, James, Sessegnon, Fernandes, Wan Bisaka and Icardi.

Revolution at United. Will the glory days be back.

And oh what a movie, truly puts End Game to shame. The title...the future is now!
 

tentan

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Pogba, Lingard, Jones and Martial all set to leave United.
 

Cal?

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PL collective TV deal struck down by court, teams to negotiate individual TV deals. :drool:
 
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