One Utd headline you would love to hear in the coming days
- Thread starter yamo123x
- Start date
UTD accept 500m Liverpool bid for Smalling
"Exclusive: United announce new official vegan sausage roll partner..."
I will be doing the Dab, wearing my Lukaku cologne - doing just great with my latest haircutTheres a special place in hell waiting for you
Sir Alex Ferguson buys DeLorean from Doc Brown.
The Glazers has sold the club. New owner promise a 500m transfer kitty to new manager Pochettino to spend.
you can literally make up any owner and you still choose the Saudi's, wtf
WOONO MOREDWARD
Ed Woodward has left Manchester United
Sources close to him said He has been enlightened and is now looking for the 7 Dragon Balls in order to undo the damage He's done to the club (mainly the wage structure).
Ed Woodward has left Manchester United
Sources close to him said He has been enlightened and is now looking for the 7 Dragon Balls in order to undo the damage He's done to the club (mainly the wage structure).
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ALL GOING ON AT OLD TRAFFORD
FULL ARTICLE
It was all happening at Old Trafford last night with so many news stories, we don’t know where to begin.
With so many headlines to cover, here see a timestamp and keypoints of the events that unfolded.
1655: David De Gea dumps his problem, and pain in the ass Spanish pop sensation girlfriend and put pen to paper on a 6 year deal with a clause to which he has agreed to start coming off his goal line once in a while. Fans are delighted with the news, however there is a meltdown thread on RedCafe that we have tied down a goalkeeper who doesn’t possess the ability to play in central midfield.
1704: Phil Jones, Marcos Rojo and Ashley Young have all been forced to retire due to injury. Ashley Young, Carrying Phil Jones in a ‘wheelbarrow race’ fashion to his car was left startled as he began to yawn, only for a Peregrine falcon to drop a huge load of excrement into his mouth. Stunned and poisoned, Young dropped Jones to the floor, only for Rojo to mistake him for a bouncing ball, jump out of his car and fly towards Jones with a 2 footed lunge. He arced across the twilight sky only miss the ball, in this case Jones and land straight into Memphis Depay’s army style 4X4, which has been clamped in the car park since he left due to a practical joke Involving a clamp, a key, Luke Shaw, a Sheppard’s Pie and 4 hookers….. More on this tomorrow.
1754: The ball from Uniteds 1st game of last season has finally been found. It hasn’t been seen since Lukaku tried to control a Victor Lindelof pass. It fell from the skies at 1754.
1805: The press gather round as De Ligt, Sancho, Rice, Neves and Wan Bissaka are all announced in one go. The £350m haul has United fans ecstatic. A statue is planned of Ed Woodward pointing at the sky, captioned ‘other teams can only dream of this.’ Again, threads are made on RedCafe discussing the bad points of each signing.
1830: Ole Solskjaer confirms he still uses David Moyes mouse mat, amid speculation the club have tried to dust away any memory of the useless ginger turd. Rumour circulates that Marouanne Fallaini’s curls are being adopted into a new hair piece for Mike Phelan.
1915: A press conference is called for Mike Phelan to deny ordering any hair piece and will still be sporting the big bald head next season, along with a return of the shorts.
2020: Ed woodward announces a new 35 year sponsorship with Chevrolet claiming the big yellow badge doesn’t infact ruin any shirt Adidas design but enhances them.
2200: Man Utd 27 year old youngster JLingz AKA Messi Lingard AKA Jessi Lingard AKA Jesse Lindegaard AKA face I would love to punch 12,985 times non stop has had to remove his clothing line due to ALL his entire stock being stolen. It was last seen in a transit van being driven by a very angry, very drunken Irish man who is believed to be known by friends as KEANO. JLingz Was selling his merchandise from the back of his van in the car park of the Wagon and Horses when suddenly the van just drove away.
2205: Marcus Rashford reveals his despair of what has happened raising the question ‘what can I wear to look like a complete c*nt now.’ Critics on RedCafe create a thread with an open message to Marcus saying, don’t worry about the clothes Marcus, just keep playing football and you will do just fine’
2230: Peter Odemwinge turns up in an attempt to force a move to United. He read a tweet from Indikailar confirming a £8m bid had been accepted. On arrival it emerged that nobody at Old Trafford has ever heard of him. This forced Anthony Martial to crack a smile for the first time since joining 4 years ago.
2231: Ed Woodward puts in a £16m for Odemwinge and announces a 4 year contract worth 600k per week despite knowing nothing of the player, but under Ole’s instruction that we need players that want to play for us, he thought Odemwinge would be worth every penny.
FULL ARTICLE
It was all happening at Old Trafford last night with so many news stories, we don’t know where to begin.
With so many headlines to cover, here see a timestamp and keypoints of the events that unfolded.
1655: David De Gea dumps his problem, and pain in the ass Spanish pop sensation girlfriend and put pen to paper on a 6 year deal with a clause to which he has agreed to start coming off his goal line once in a while. Fans are delighted with the news, however there is a meltdown thread on RedCafe that we have tied down a goalkeeper who doesn’t possess the ability to play in central midfield.
1704: Phil Jones, Marcos Rojo and Ashley Young have all been forced to retire due to injury. Ashley Young, Carrying Phil Jones in a ‘wheelbarrow race’ fashion to his car was left startled as he began to yawn, only for a Peregrine falcon to drop a huge load of excrement into his mouth. Stunned and poisoned, Young dropped Jones to the floor, only for Rojo to mistake him for a bouncing ball, jump out of his car and fly towards Jones with a 2 footed lunge. He arced across the twilight sky only miss the ball, in this case Jones and land straight into Memphis Depay’s army style 4X4, which has been clamped in the car park since he left due to a practical joke Involving a clamp, a key, Luke Shaw, a Sheppard’s Pie and 4 hookers….. More on this tomorrow.
1754: The ball from Uniteds 1st game of last season has finally been found. It hasn’t been seen since Lukaku tried to control a Victor Lindelof pass. It fell from the skies at 1754.
1805: The press gather round as De Ligt, Sancho, Rice, Neves and Wan Bissaka are all announced in one go. The £350m haul has United fans ecstatic. A statue is planned of Ed Woodward pointing at the sky, captioned ‘other teams can only dream of this.’ Again, threads are made on RedCafe discussing the bad points of each signing.
1830: Ole Solskjaer confirms he still uses David Moyes mouse mat, amid speculation the club have tried to dust away any memory of the useless ginger turd. Rumour circulates that Marouanne Fallaini’s curls are being adopted into a new hair piece for Mike Phelan.
1915: A press conference is called for Mike Phelan to deny ordering any hair piece and will still be sporting the big bald head next season, along with a return of the shorts.
2020: Ed woodward announces a new 35 year sponsorship with Chevrolet claiming the big yellow badge doesn’t infact ruin any shirt Adidas design but enhances them.
2200: Man Utd 27 year old youngster JLingz AKA Messi Lingard AKA Jessi Lingard AKA Jesse Lindegaard AKA face I would love to punch 12,985 times non stop has had to remove his clothing line due to ALL his entire stock being stolen. It was last seen in a transit van being driven by a very angry, very drunken Irish man who is believed to be known by friends as KEANO. JLingz Was selling his merchandise from the back of his van in the car park of the Wagon and Horses when suddenly the van just drove away.
2205: Marcus Rashford reveals his despair of what has happened raising the question ‘what can I wear to look like a complete c*nt now.’ Critics on RedCafe create a thread with an open message to Marcus saying, don’t worry about the clothes Marcus, just keep playing football and you will do just fine’
2230: Peter Odemwinge turns up in an attempt to force a move to United. He read a tweet from Indikailar confirming a £8m bid had been accepted. On arrival it emerged that nobody at Old Trafford has ever heard of him. This forced Anthony Martial to crack a smile for the first time since joining 4 years ago.
2231: Ed Woodward puts in a £16m for Odemwinge and announces a 4 year contract worth 600k per week despite knowing nothing of the player, but under Ole’s instruction that we need players that want to play for us, he thought Odemwinge would be worth every penny.
Ashley Young's contract terminated.
United achieve breakthrough in medicine and appoint a 30 year old Sir Alex Ferguson clone as team coach.
Young gets 2 year extension on a double your money money deal!
“Following the United Legends v Bayern Munich Legends match last sunday MUFC have offered David Beckham and Jaap Stam a 1 year deal”
Corrected it for you.Liverpool lose the Champions League final with a offside goal.
Am not too optimistic of direct good news from us anyways
Chose to keep it realistic.
Phil Jones buys his own hospital.
Woodard has left Man Utd and gone to Liverpool a club he's supported all he's life.
"Giggs shagged my wife!" Exclusive interview with Ole.
Ole's De-Ligt!
This is all gold but the Jesse Lingard had me on the floor crying.
They played really well, far better than the players in their 20's playing for us at CB and RW.
Man United accept £30m bid for Jesse Lingard.
United confirm that the last six years have just been a bad dream.
New owners and Ed Woodward being moved back to solely the commercial side of the club.
Glazers charged with fraud and tax evasion: forced to sell Man Utd to business consortium of local fans.
United defensive issues sorted: Phil Jones becomes club captain with both Darmian and Rojo signing contracts (225k/week) until 2023.
This would be awful, The majority of the Cafe in favour of Sanchez and thought his contract was a bargain. They also thought Mourinho would come in play attacking football Nurture your and not self destruct within 3 seasons. Also a large number of them are still obsessed with signing players like Bale, Ramos and basically any play who has ever played for a big club.
Jeff Bezos would be preferable.
i think it'd be a laugh. the sheer ruthlessness every summer... 10 in 10 out - every year!
I think we’d end up bankrupt within 18 months going by what most posters think it “realistic” spending
Premier League adopts German style 50+1 ownership rule, Glazers forced to sell United.
Every club in the world is only allowed to spend what they earn on the pitch at club level.
Alex Ferguson successfully cloned
New Newcastle owners to dismantle the club and turn the ground into an ikea. Man City and PSG owners seriously considering copying business model as more lucrative.
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Manchester United open a free family planning clinic at Old Trafford
Saudi prince agrees 4bn Jeff Bezos takeover?
'Top of the Klopps'
Jurgen Klopp sensationally quit Liverpool this afternoon, feeling he has taken the club as far as he can, and now feels ready to manage a big club. Manchester United are believed to have already all but landed the smiling German.
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