redshaw
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- Jul 17, 2015
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Jesse Lingard transferred to club shop on match days.
Alex Ferguson successfully cloned
ALL GOING ON AT OLD TRAFFORD
FULL ARTICLE
It was all happening at Old Trafford last night with so many news stories, we don’t know where to begin.
With so many headlines to cover, here see a timestamp and keypoints of the events that unfolded.
1655: David De Gea dumps his problem, and pain in the ass Spanish pop sensation girlfriend and put pen to paper on a 6 year deal with a clause to which he has agreed to start coming off his goal line once in a while. Fans are delighted with the news, however there is a meltdown thread on RedCafe that we have tied down a goalkeeper who doesn’t possess the ability to play in central midfield.
1704: Phil Jones, Marcos Rojo and Ashley Young have all been forced to retire due to injury. Ashley Young, Carrying Phil Jones in a ‘wheelbarrow race’ fashion to his car was left startled as he began to yawn, only for a Peregrine falcon to drop a huge load of excrement into his mouth. Stunned and poisoned, Young dropped Jones to the floor, only for Rojo to mistake him for a bouncing ball, jump out of his car and fly towards Jones with a 2 footed lunge. He arced across the twilight sky only miss the ball, in this case Jones and land straight into Memphis Depay’s army style 4X4, which has been clamped in the car park since he left due to a practical joke Involving a clamp, a key, Luke Shaw, a Sheppard’s Pie and 4 hookers….. More on this tomorrow.
1754: The ball from Uniteds 1st game of last season has finally been found. It hasn’t been seen since Lukaku tried to control a Victor Lindelof pass. It fell from the skies at 1754.
1805: The press gather round as De Ligt, Sancho, Rice, Neves and Wan Bissaka are all announced in one go. The £350m haul has United fans ecstatic. A statue is planned of Ed Woodward pointing at the sky, captioned ‘other teams can only dream of this.’ Again, threads are made on RedCafe discussing the bad points of each signing.
1830: Ole Solskjaer confirms he still uses David Moyes mouse mat, amid speculation the club have tried to dust away any memory of the useless ginger turd. Rumour circulates that Marouanne Fallaini’s curls are being adopted into a new hair piece for Mike Phelan.
1915: A press conference is called for Mike Phelan to deny ordering any hair piece and will still be sporting the big bald head next season, along with a return of the shorts.
2020: Ed woodward announces a new 35 year sponsorship with Chevrolet claiming the big yellow badge doesn’t infact ruin any shirt Adidas design but enhances them.
2200: Man Utd 27 year old youngster JLingz AKA Messi Lingard AKA Jessi Lingard AKA Jesse Lindegaard AKA face I would love to punch 12,985 times non stop has had to remove his clothing line due to ALL his entire stock being stolen. It was last seen in a transit van being driven by a very angry, very drunken Irish man who is believed to be known by friends as KEANO. JLingz Was selling his merchandise from the back of his van in the car park of the Wagon and Horses when suddenly the van just drove away.
2205: Marcus Rashford reveals his despair of what has happened raising the question ‘what can I wear to look like a complete c*nt now.’ Critics on RedCafe create a thread with an open message to Marcus saying, don’t worry about the clothes Marcus, just keep playing football and you will do just fine’
2230: Peter Odemwinge turns up in an attempt to force a move to United. He read a tweet from Indikailar confirming a £8m bid had been accepted. On arrival it emerged that nobody at Old Trafford has ever heard of him. This forced Anthony Martial to crack a smile for the first time since joining 4 years ago.
2231: Ed Woodward puts in a £16m for Odemwinge and announces a 4 year contract worth 600k per week despite knowing nothing of the player, but under Ole’s instruction that we need players that want to play for us, he thought Odemwinge would be worth every penny.
This time machine, could it bring back my hair?time machine invented by united fan, brings back prime fergie, best, Duncan, Bobby, Denis, Eric, giggs, Ronaldo, ruud, Rooney, Keane, vidic, Irwin and evra (and others before the haters come in)- destroys time machine and goes to pub
Think Bobby would be first in lineThis time machine, could it bring back my hair?
Think Bobby would be first in line
Catt off to google the future Mrs. SteveJ.'Hayley Atwell to marry SteveJ'
'Hayley Atwell divorces SteveJ after finding his Will & Grace boxset'Catt off to google the future Mrs. SteveJ.
Poor Steven Jr.'Hayley Atwell divorces SteveJ after finding his Will & Grace boxset'
United fans were not perfectly fine when the club sold Jaap Stam
Just make it clear.
Poor Steven Jr.
I'm sure we couldn't get worse ownersGlazers sell United to literally anyone.
There should be a like button just for posts like this.ALL GOING ON AT OLD TRAFFORD
FULL ARTICLE
It was all happening at Old Trafford last night with so many news stories, we don’t know where to begin.
With so many headlines to cover, here see a timestamp and keypoints of the events that unfolded.
1655: David De Gea dumps his problem, and pain in the ass Spanish pop sensation girlfriend and put pen to paper on a 6 year deal with a clause to which he has agreed to start coming off his goal line once in a while. Fans are delighted with the news, however there is a meltdown thread on RedCafe that we have tied down a goalkeeper who doesn’t possess the ability to play in central midfield.
1704: Phil Jones, Marcos Rojo and Ashley Young have all been forced to retire due to injury. Ashley Young, Carrying Phil Jones in a ‘wheelbarrow race’ fashion to his car was left startled as he began to yawn, only for a Peregrine falcon to drop a huge load of excrement into his mouth. Stunned and poisoned, Young dropped Jones to the floor, only for Rojo to mistake him for a bouncing ball, jump out of his car and fly towards Jones with a 2 footed lunge. He arced across the twilight sky only miss the ball, in this case Jones and land straight into Memphis Depay’s army style 4X4, which has been clamped in the car park since he left due to a practical joke Involving a clamp, a key, Luke Shaw, a Sheppard’s Pie and 4 hookers….. More on this tomorrow.
1754: The ball from Uniteds 1st game of last season has finally been found. It hasn’t been seen since Lukaku tried to control a Victor Lindelof pass. It fell from the skies at 1754.
1805: The press gather round as De Ligt, Sancho, Rice, Neves and Wan Bissaka are all announced in one go. The £350m haul has United fans ecstatic. A statue is planned of Ed Woodward pointing at the sky, captioned ‘other teams can only dream of this.’ Again, threads are made on RedCafe discussing the bad points of each signing.
1830: Ole Solskjaer confirms he still uses David Moyes mouse mat, amid speculation the club have tried to dust away any memory of the useless ginger turd. Rumour circulates that Marouanne Fallaini’s curls are being adopted into a new hair piece for Mike Phelan.
1915: A press conference is called for Mike Phelan to deny ordering any hair piece and will still be sporting the big bald head next season, along with a return of the shorts.
2020: Ed woodward announces a new 35 year sponsorship with Chevrolet claiming the big yellow badge doesn’t infact ruin any shirt Adidas design but enhances them.
2200: Man Utd 27 year old youngster JLingz AKA Messi Lingard AKA Jessi Lingard AKA Jesse Lindegaard AKA face I would love to punch 12,985 times non stop has had to remove his clothing line due to ALL his entire stock being stolen. It was last seen in a transit van being driven by a very angry, very drunken Irish man who is believed to be known by friends as KEANO. JLingz Was selling his merchandise from the back of his van in the car park of the Wagon and Horses when suddenly the van just drove away.
2205: Marcus Rashford reveals his despair of what has happened raising the question ‘what can I wear to look like a complete c*nt now.’ Critics on RedCafe create a thread with an open message to Marcus saying, don’t worry about the clothes Marcus, just keep playing football and you will do just fine’
2230: Peter Odemwinge turns up in an attempt to force a move to United. He read a tweet from Indikailar confirming a £8m bid had been accepted. On arrival it emerged that nobody at Old Trafford has ever heard of him. This forced Anthony Martial to crack a smile for the first time since joining 4 years ago.
2231: Ed Woodward puts in a £16m for Odemwinge and announces a 4 year contract worth 600k per week despite knowing nothing of the player, but under Ole’s instruction that we need players that want to play for us, he thought Odemwinge would be worth every penny.
Mike Ashley committed to squad overhaul following Man Utd take overGlazers sell United to literally anyone.
that's gotta to be the best headline ever.Saudi prince agrees £4bn Manchester United takeover