How many goals could YOU score up front for United in a season?

[steeeb]

Are we accounting for the fact that our players will blatantly ignore me knowing how shit I am, or are they going to assume I'm Rooney at every situation and keep giving me the ball each time?

I think it's quite possible that over the course of the season you 'hit and hope' every time you get the ball plus get in the way every free kick and corner it's quite possible you'd score at least one just on pure luck, you might even get a couple if you're throwing your body in the way to score Phil Jones style.

 

[Angelinho]

If a short-arse like Evra can score headers from corners, then there is hope for us all. I suspect I could be relied upon to score two goals per season.

 

[Mali_Zeus]

I would score a tap in or 2 but if I'd had a clear, open goal in front of me with nobody around me. Maybe some freak shot with deflection too.

 

[Trizy]

Even if you were a Sunday league player I bet you'd score around 5 for a top club with top players around you. If you've good movement you're gonna get picked out a few times.

 

[Dr Baltar]

I'm a cross between Anderson & Berbatov so if I was being realistic, I think I'd score 25-60 goals depending on how pissed I was.
In all honesty though I reckon I could get 3-8. Always played at a decent level & had a knack for being in the right place at the right time if not much else.

Edit: Probably being deluded, as most are, but why not be optimistic.

 

[Mali_Zeus]

With all these stories about us overpaying or underpaying players and whatnot what do you think lads how much would you be worth?

And with DDG leaving and all that how many goals would you save ( maybe separate threads? )
with my poorness on a pitch I always fancy myself more in goal.

 

[iSparky]

Google search brings up the more evidently more famous @iSparky

You rang? Whats going on in here then?

 

[JustAFan]

Zero

 

[Nucks]

To put it simply, it's not about being big or being fast, it's about using your body correctly, it's about agility, reflexes and mental conditioning. It's the same for every sports. Otherwise Altidore or Fellaini would be world class players.

I think you missed at least part of the point of my post.

Those traits you mention, are exactly why Canadian/USA big athletic guys CAN make it with virtually no technical skills. It's because of cross sport training. We play football (the other one) and basketball. These two sports feature exactly the kind of skillset you need to excel as a donkey. We learn (and I would argue MUCH better than Europeans) how to beat a man 1 on 1 to a ball with swim moves. With basketball we learn body positioning through rebounding drills. How to aggressively OR subtly move a man marking you, completely out of position while staying in the optimal position and then to take the ball at it's highest point.

These are ball specific skill sets that are fundamental to the North American athletes formative years. These big athletes may not be able to trap a ball very well, make a long pass, or do anything technical, but they are going to make it look easy to slide past defenders on crosses, take the ball at it's highest point, anticipate and or gauge the flight path. These are exactly the reasons why out of Canada and the USA, we tend to produce an over abundance of goal keepers versus field players.

It's a niche, and they won't make it at the highest levels, but in that niche they absolutely could be effective. You take a big athletic wide receiver who washed out at the collegiate level, who played basketball and under the criteria of the OP (undroppable, play every game) they'd absolutely score some goals with their noggins.

 

[AltiUn]

Are we allowed sliders on?

 

[VeevaVee]

I reckon I could grab a few sidefooted curlers from the edge of the box in a United side that's playing decent.

My main problem would definitely be fitness though. I don't think most footballers spend 2 years living in Ibiza. If I had enough time to train and United were playing alright (a big if there) then yeah - I'm saying 3 or 4. Baring in mind I'm not arsed about the actual result and my only goal is....to score (sorry lads, you're in for a rough season) so I'm gonna be pretty wasteful too.

 

[Needham]

There's an algorithm for this.
Posts on Redcafe multiplied by youthful dreams of becoming a soccer player minus modern athletic reality as a random number.
So for me that's: 2,870 * 1.5 million - 4,305,000,000 = 0

 

[Cnaiür urs Skiötha]

I think some of you are overestimating yourself or underestimating the standards of professional football.

I am pretty sure that none of us would come close to score a goal. Maybe in a cup game against a very low level team.

 

[Jacob]

2-3 I would say. However, if I was able to get fit and train with the team Before the season, maybe even 5-7

 

[Jacob]

I think some of you are overestimating yourself or underestimating the standards of professional football.

I am pretty sure that none of us would come close to score a goal. Maybe in a cup game against a very low level team.

It goes both ways. Since you will be playing with World class players, you can expect to get a cross pin-pointed at your head from time to time. Defenders have lapses of concentration drops.

 

[Roman Bellic]

34 goals easily.

 

[Mindhunter]

I can definitely score 1 goal not for but against United (could be more if LVG doesn't sub me after putting the ball passed De Gea when he least expects it).

 

[Sunny Jim]

I've always been shit and unlucky striker. Heck, I guess i hit the woodwork more often than i score. So I'm guessing grand fat zero.

Would do a better job as CB or DM where i usually play. Would last about 3 mintues though,.

 

[Striker10]

depends on the service I'll be modest and say 5 but i'd assist 100 a season

 

[LitterBug]

The Scenario

You're the main target man for United up front and play the full 90 mins of every game of the season, so all league and cup games. You will NOT be taking free kicks or penalties, so all your goals must come from open play.

How many goals do you think you could score over the course of a season? Obviously you'll be shit and a hindrance to the team, but I'm thinking "dumb luck goals" here. Say Herrera blasts a shot going wide and instead it hits your round chubby face and is deflected in. Or the ball is blasted across a crowded goal and your lazy arse just happens to be stood in the right spot for it to hit you and go in.

I'm thinking one for me, given that I'll be goal hanging the entire time waiting for the ball to accidentally come near me. In that position it's possible I'll get at least one dumb luck deflection over the course of a season won't I?

BTW, I'm differentiating between us retards and the actual premiership strikers that hardly score, because they are actually trying and have some ability to contribute to build up play and general team performance, whereas we would just be standing there as close to the goal line as we could possibly be.

Speak for yourself I'm fit as a fiddle and so talented that I should have been a pro but sadly I chose the wrong path. I was a defender though, tall and built like an ox. I'd fancy myself to do a Brucey and score quite a few. Feck this brings bad depressing memories of what my life could have been if I chose a different path. Now I look at players and think that could have been me!

 

[ravelston]

The difference in level between the pros and the wanabes is staggering in every sport. I'm sure we've all dreamt about scoring the winning goal at Wembley, but that's all it is - a dream. Two examples: I used to play Sunday league with a kid who was voted the best schoolboy footballer in the country - we never understood why he didn't get a trial somewhere. Turns out he trained with the apprentices at Stockport County - said they ran rings round him technically - Stockport f$*#cking County. This was a kid who made high level Sunday league players look like idiots. Second story isn't about football it's about ice hockey in the States. Son of a friend was a brilliant schoolboy hockey player. So good he got called up to the pre-Olympic camp for the US hockey team. Came back from the camp and never played hockey again - not even in college where he had a bundle of scholarship offers. Saw the writing on the wall - a small, brilliantly fast player at the schoolboy level was a slow moving annoyance among the pros - there to be swatted. And, i'm afraid, that's what we would all be among real pros - annoyances there to be swatted.

 

[jumpers for goalposts]

The difference in level between the pros and the wanabes is staggering in every sport.

What a load of rubbish. For example I remember Shane Lowery winning the Irish Open by a couple of shots a few tears back as an amateur (he got the trophy but not the prize money). Based on this he was head and shoulders ahead of the rest of the field that week. Then there's giant killing in the FA cup. It's all about on the day, in anything sportsman do whether professional or not.

 

[JoaquinJoaquin]

I still don't get this theory I have heard floating around that Steven Fletcher is crap at football. He's perenially injured, but other than that, is a pretty excellent finisher, and has scored a healthy amount of PL goals for both Wolves and Sunderland when he has managed to keep himself on the pitch for long enough.

Remember the time Steven Fletcher was linked with Real Madrid?

 

[lalloyd]

Best way to do this would be to create yourself with accurate attributes on FM, manage United and play you all through the season.

 

[Sarni]

Zero.

 

[Mr. MUJAC]

I reckon 99.9999 % of the ppl on redcafe wouldnt even make it till halftime

I could do the running…I'm just not good enough as a player!

 

[Parry Gallister]

About as many as Falcao.

 

[montpelier]

If I could get off the mark early doors to relieve the pressure a little bit I'd fancy notching in the region of 3 from being stood permanently by the far post for
50 + games.

I think the key to this is staying out of the way.

 

[m1tch]

I'd fancy tapping in a few rebounds from Rooney's penalties.

 

[JTW95]

I could do the running…I'm just not good enough as a player!

I'm the opposite. I am decent on the ball but 5 minutes in i'll be fecked.

 

[Bwuk]

Anyone who honestly believes they would score are delusional. Unless we got given a pen for you to take, it just wouldn't happen.

People talking about having size and strength just wouldn't have close to the positional sense to score.

I'm one of the better sunday league players around in my area, but even playing with pros in the lower leagues in Scotland and the difference is staggering, and compare that to United and the premier league.

If you were good enough to score even two or three you'd be playing professionally somewhere.

 

[Šjor Bepo]

think we will know the answer at the end of the season

 

[Rich_H_1989]

What we're forgetting here guys is that we don't actually create that many clear cut chances!

I reckon I'd get somewhere between 5-10 which will be an improvement on Rooney in the league this season right?

The gulf in ability between some normal amateur league player and some of the Premier League players may not be as big as you may think. They'll be fitter but the biggest difference I've been told is a professional more often than not will make the right choice. They will pass when they should and shoot when they should. Most of us however will choose the wrong choice.

 

[Spielmacher]

0.

I think people underestimate how hard it is to stay unmarked against a Premier League defender.

 

[Sarni]

0.

I think people underestimate how hard it is to stay unmarked against a Premier League defender.

This. Amusing how there are people on here who think they could score 5+ for a Premier League team.

 

[Cristiano Jonaldo]

This. Amusing how there are people on here who think they could score 5+ for a Premier League team.

We'd have the element of randomness going for us though. In no way would we be good enough to do anything that could be reasonably anticipated in advance. We'd never be standing where we should and balls would bounce off us if we run around as close to the goal as possible.

No striker would ever play like we would, which could quite possibly lead to different results.

 

[Sarni]

We'd have the element of randomness going for us though. In no way would we be good enough to do anything that could be reasonably anticipated in advance. We'd never be standing where we should and balls would bounce off us if we run around as close to the goal as possible.

No striker would ever play like we would, which could quite possibly lead to different results.

Yeah even there's possibility that the shitness and complete lack of ability would result in Messi-like numbers because professional footballers are not taught how to stop people who cannot play football.

 

[Cristiano Jonaldo]

Yeah even there's possibility that the shitness and complete lack of ability would result in Messi-like numbers because professional footballers are not taught how to stop people who cannot play football.

Who said anything about "Messi-like numbers"?

We're talking about someone standing in the 6 yard box and outright being in the way. It's quite possible someone blasts the ball at you and it hits you and goes in.

Given that premiership strikers don't play like that they are less likely to get dumb luck goals than some fat bellend standing in the 6 yard box having a brain fart while the ball is blasted at him.

 

[Manchester_Man]

I'd say about 15, any less and I'd be disappointed.

 

[LawCharltonBest]

4 or 5.

And I would show a hell of a lot more dedication and passion than Rooney.