I’m Roger Moore. Bang! Blood dribbles down. We’re on a submarine. Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess. And the cups start wobbling. And then a man that used to be in “The Onedin Line” come in and goes, “Why are all the cups wobbling, what’s going on?” And Then he pulls down the periscope and he looks through it and goes “Oh, my god. The submarine’s being eaten by a giant tanker”. And then we cut to Moscow. And there’s man there, he’s Russian – he’s got eyebrows, you know. He’s on the phone going “What? A whole submarine? You’re joking?. I’m gonna have to tell some other Russians, see ya!”. And then it cuts to James – Roger Moore – and yes, he’s with a lady. He’s necking with her. And he goes “I’ve got to go, love. Something’s come up!”…
Anyway, then he puts on his underpants and his ski suit, and he gets on his ski’s and starts skiing. And he’s being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits with lemon piping. And he’s skiing along, and they start shooting at him and he goes “I’ve had enough of that, just stop it!”. And he turns round with his gun, then he does a backward somersault off this ramp and he lands on his feet. I’m not sure why. But, he’s not showing off. And then he goes over a cliff and he’s falling, and you think, “God, James Bond’s going to die! He’s going to die!”. But then, at the last minute…he pulls a rip-cord, right. And a parachute comes out, and it’s got a Union Jack…
Glang glanga-langa langa langa langa lang. Glang-alang glang-alang alang. Nobody does it, better… And I’m a naked woman in silhouette with a gun, spinning round. Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it… Oh, bit of nipple. Quite as good as you, baby you’re the best. And now a really big bounce, right over, and I land on my feet. I wasn’t looking and somehow you found me… Ooh, bit of bush! I tried to hide from your love life… And a woman swinging on a Luger. A giant Luger. Ooh! Look at that. Like heaven above me… And now another naked woman, walking along the top of a gun, completely billy bollocks. The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight… And then one more big swing from a woman, legs go right up.. Oh, what was that? Too late! Nobody does it half as good as you. Baby, you’re the best.