and they're the ones I remember now. I must have loads more that in my shame I've erased from my memory bank.@ utdalltheway...too funny mate.
Stupid things you've said to people you fancied
- Thread starter Plechazunga
- Start date
I went to a girls place with a friend in high school, she is a total stunner and I was so in love with her. Well, we got there and she had this little dog that ran out of the house when she opened the door. ever the gentleman, I tried to stop the dog but ended up falling off of her steps and buggering my hand, ended up looking a complete and total fool.and they're the ones I remember now. I must have loads more that in my shame I've erased from my memory bank.
My friend had to drive me home because I had a manual transmission and coould not grasp the shifter.
Another girl I liked and spent some time with before dating seriously asked me right before we made things official " Y'know, a lot of people are asking me lately how's Dwayne doing and so on...?" the obvious are you two an item question, to which I replied, "Yeah I get that a lot, too. 'Hey Dwayne how's it going?'" Unlike you lot, this remarkably corny line actually got the girl.
I know a lad who lost his virginity at a cemetery.
He suffered some childhood disease and grew up to be 5 feet tall and near anorexic. She had some glandular condition and could fit normal sized girls into one of her skirts. They snuck into this cemetery late one night and went at it tooth and nail on someone's marble grave in complete isolation, other than the moonlit shadows of row upon row of crosses.
He may well have smacked her arse to ride the wave in.
That could have been you mate. Missed oppurtunity.
Great thread. Around September I was trying to discreetly tell this girl what I thought of her. I compared her to a cloud. I spent 5 minutes explaining why she was like a cloud, complete with some nonsense about irrigation.Clouds.
would you like to dance?
no
well what the bloody hell are you doing here then?
no
well what the bloody hell are you doing here then?
A good few years back I had been chatting this really fit girl up for a few months, she came round to my house one day when the parents where out doing whatever.
You know, we talked and so on.
Then i thought oh shit, United are on aginast City.
So i wapped on the TV and watched the game, (I can't remember what year it was but i think we lost 3-1 or something with Ole scoring our goal)
But anyway, we were playing shite and i was going mad at our players and stuff.
Then when the game finnished, i cant really remember in detail what i said but it was something allong the line of "fecking city scum, every fukin fan should be shot the cnuts!!" just as i finnished saying that i noticed she had a city shirt on under her jumper.
There was a long silence after that for about 5mins, then she went home and i have never seen her again.
I am quite happy though for obvious reasons.
You know, we talked and so on.
Then i thought oh shit, United are on aginast City.
So i wapped on the TV and watched the game, (I can't remember what year it was but i think we lost 3-1 or something with Ole scoring our goal)
But anyway, we were playing shite and i was going mad at our players and stuff.
Then when the game finnished, i cant really remember in detail what i said but it was something allong the line of "fecking city scum, every fukin fan should be shot the cnuts!!" just as i finnished saying that i noticed she had a city shirt on under her jumper.
There was a long silence after that for about 5mins, then she went home and i have never seen her again.
I am quite happy though for obvious reasons.
How about... "Sit down, close your eyes and relax, there's something I wanna do...
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Mum"...,
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Mum"...,
you did the right thing there.
Alright gimps, this is quite a long story and I’m hoping that will put most of you off reading it. It is, unfortunately for me, 100% true. It isn’t however that funny so if I were you lot I wouldn’t bother reading it. Anyway here it is.
I remember when I was still living with my parents I snuck my girlfriend in one Friday night. I was only 16 and knew my parents would kill me if they found out my girlfriend was staying over, so we had to be dead quiet. Anyway it got to about 3am and she had to use the bathroom. Now I was half asleep, so what I forgot to tell her was don't lock the bathroom door as the lock is dodgy. Anyway you can guess what happened, she locked the bathroom door. The problem is my bedroom was downstairs, my parents room was dead opposite the bathroom. By now she has realized she is locked in and is starting to panic, she can't open the door, she can’t call me for fear of waking my parents and she knows I’m probably fast asleep and way out of hearing range anyway. Eventually she gives in and starts shouting down the stairs. By some miracle of god I heard her before my parents did. So grabbing the first item of clothing I saw, which unfortunately was a towel, I rushed upstairs to find out what the hell she was shouting about. I don’t know if you have ever tried to calm a panicking 16 year old girl through a bathroom door whilst trying not to wake your parents who are sleeping 10 feet away, but it’s not easy. Now the thing with my bathroom lock is it is possible to open from the outside, if you have a knife. There was a part of the lock on the outside that you could slip a thin piece of metal inside and turn and it would unlock the door. Unfortunately it’s easier said than done. As it was my only hope though I set about what needed to be done. Unfortunately though when it comes to DIY, I’m a feckin’ spastic and the amount of swearing and banging I made as I struggled heroically against this lock, probably woke up the entire neighbourhood. Eventually the inevitable happened and my parents woke up. Unfortunately this was about the same time my towel took it upon itself to throw itself to the floor (I’ve always had problems with towels, apparently I have some sort of towel resistant skin and they just keep sliding off). So by the time my parents had opened their bedroom door they were confronted with me, half naked struggling to hold up my towel and keep what was left of my dignity with one hand, and my other hand repeatedly jamming a knife into the bathroom door in frustration. Eventually, due to them not being utter spastics when it comes to DIY, they managed to get the bathroom door open, and I was left with a lot of explaining to do. Fortunately it was about 4am by now and they were too tired to shout at me. I can still remember the feeling of relief as they went back to bed leaving behind only a few lingering scowls. Of course my girlfriend by now was furious and I knew my next task was to apologize and console her. It was about now that my luck took a turn for the worse.
I, being the utter gimp I am, decided to show her how to lock the door so I could show her how to unlock it from the inside, as it cold be done but there was a knack to it. Unfortunately for me, that was the night I discovered I didn’t have that knack. 3 minutes after we finally managed to get the bathroom door open, I managed to lock he both of us in. I wish I could describe the expression on my parents face when they finally managed to get the door open for a second time. It was some sort of mix between sheer wonder at how I had actually managed to lock my girlfriend in the bathroom a second time, embarrassment that their oldest son had just made a tit of himself in front of this attractive young girl, and anger that not only had I snuck my girlfriend in, but I had managed to wake them up. Twice.
I don’t really know how to finish this story. Even after glancing over certain, more embarrassing parts, and trying to make myself sound less foolish than I actually was, it wasn’t my proudest moment.
I remember when I was still living with my parents I snuck my girlfriend in one Friday night. I was only 16 and knew my parents would kill me if they found out my girlfriend was staying over, so we had to be dead quiet. Anyway it got to about 3am and she had to use the bathroom. Now I was half asleep, so what I forgot to tell her was don't lock the bathroom door as the lock is dodgy. Anyway you can guess what happened, she locked the bathroom door. The problem is my bedroom was downstairs, my parents room was dead opposite the bathroom. By now she has realized she is locked in and is starting to panic, she can't open the door, she can’t call me for fear of waking my parents and she knows I’m probably fast asleep and way out of hearing range anyway. Eventually she gives in and starts shouting down the stairs. By some miracle of god I heard her before my parents did. So grabbing the first item of clothing I saw, which unfortunately was a towel, I rushed upstairs to find out what the hell she was shouting about. I don’t know if you have ever tried to calm a panicking 16 year old girl through a bathroom door whilst trying not to wake your parents who are sleeping 10 feet away, but it’s not easy. Now the thing with my bathroom lock is it is possible to open from the outside, if you have a knife. There was a part of the lock on the outside that you could slip a thin piece of metal inside and turn and it would unlock the door. Unfortunately it’s easier said than done. As it was my only hope though I set about what needed to be done. Unfortunately though when it comes to DIY, I’m a feckin’ spastic and the amount of swearing and banging I made as I struggled heroically against this lock, probably woke up the entire neighbourhood. Eventually the inevitable happened and my parents woke up. Unfortunately this was about the same time my towel took it upon itself to throw itself to the floor (I’ve always had problems with towels, apparently I have some sort of towel resistant skin and they just keep sliding off). So by the time my parents had opened their bedroom door they were confronted with me, half naked struggling to hold up my towel and keep what was left of my dignity with one hand, and my other hand repeatedly jamming a knife into the bathroom door in frustration. Eventually, due to them not being utter spastics when it comes to DIY, they managed to get the bathroom door open, and I was left with a lot of explaining to do. Fortunately it was about 4am by now and they were too tired to shout at me. I can still remember the feeling of relief as they went back to bed leaving behind only a few lingering scowls. Of course my girlfriend by now was furious and I knew my next task was to apologize and console her. It was about now that my luck took a turn for the worse.
I, being the utter gimp I am, decided to show her how to lock the door so I could show her how to unlock it from the inside, as it cold be done but there was a knack to it. Unfortunately for me, that was the night I discovered I didn’t have that knack. 3 minutes after we finally managed to get the bathroom door open, I managed to lock he both of us in. I wish I could describe the expression on my parents face when they finally managed to get the door open for a second time. It was some sort of mix between sheer wonder at how I had actually managed to lock my girlfriend in the bathroom a second time, embarrassment that their oldest son had just made a tit of himself in front of this attractive young girl, and anger that not only had I snuck my girlfriend in, but I had managed to wake them up. Twice.
I don’t really know how to finish this story. Even after glancing over certain, more embarrassing parts, and trying to make myself sound less foolish than I actually was, it wasn’t my proudest moment.
I read it, and it was worth it
smashed you gimp
absolutely worth the read. Smashed, that's some of your funniest work.
Well I once fancied the lass that everyone fancied in my school, you know the type, so anyway one night I was I decided to text her and the best thing that my 13 year old mind could think of was a cheesey chat-up line "I think you should bring in a map to school tomorrow as im always lost in your eyes." i felt like a prick when she didnt reply, so the next day everyone I knew was saying "i left your map at home"
argh
argh
I once accidentally got myself locked in a bathroom too Smashed. There wasn't a hot girl with me at the time though.
There's always someone worse off than yourself.
There's always someone worse off than yourself.
Girl: "you're a lot quieter than your mates"
Me: "Thats cos I tend to offend people when I speak so I just keep quiet"
Me: "Thats cos I tend to offend people when I speak so I just keep quiet"
I was once dancing with a girl at a bar, and decided I should accelerate the process a little bit
"So...are we going to make out at some point?"
Didn't work out so well.
"So...are we going to make out at some point?"
Didn't work out so well.
A good pickup routine that used to work for me: When I'm with a some of my mates and I approach a group of girls and tell her that one/all of my mates is dying to meet them. I then proceed to build him up as a great guy, etc.
Invariably one of them asks "and what about you?".
It's a great bait and switch maneuver actually.
And if they don't ask me and want to meet my mate then that's fine too.
You young lads, you should try this as the success rate is very high.
You have to belive you're setting him up though as this helps you relax and the confidence really comes out.
Invariably one of them asks "and what about you?".
It's a great bait and switch maneuver actually.
And if they don't ask me and want to meet my mate then that's fine too.
You young lads, you should try this as the success rate is very high.
You have to belive you're setting him up though as this helps you relax and the confidence really comes out.
Speaking of offending people, I have this tendency to err..insult people, or tease..however you want to look at it.Girl: "you're a lot quieter than your mates"
Me: "Thats cos I tend to offend people when I speak so I just keep quiet"
So I was out with a group of friends and we were having a chat and all that. So this girl which I have not met before makes one of those statements which is so bleedingly obvious it need not be said. Out of habit I patted her head and said, "Clever girl! Have a biscuit."
My friends found it hilarious and she gave a stiff laugh and was decidedly cold from that point..
Girl: "you're a lot quieter than your mates"
Me: "Thats cos I tend to offend people when I speak so I just keep quiet"
Hehe...I shut my girl in my cupboard once when my parents got back from somewhere earlier than expected.Thankfully she didn't get locked in.
u remember to let her out?
This thread is like the story of my life
That's not necessary..she didn't get locked in..
Ive found it best to never give definitive answers
I use the Socratic method:
answer a question with a question
I use the Socratic method:
answer a question with a question
Ok, generally I don't make a gimp of myself infront of women I fancy, but thinking back there have been a few times when I've wanted to just die, on the spot.
In college, there were loads of fitties that I had my eye on, but there was one in particular who ticked all the right boxes. She had the nicest arse, gorgeous face and used to sell a bit of skunk as well. Anyhow, we used to sneak out of college and stand in a small alley for a spliff every now and then. One day we went out there and were just going to have a fag. So she gave me the fag, but lit hers first, she then held up the lighter to mine and I moved forward and started to light it, at which point she pulled the lighter away and looked at me with a bemused expression on her face. I had no idea what was wrong, turns out I just had the fag the wrong way and was lighting the filter. What made this simple mistake bad though, was the fact that for about 30 seconds I had no idea why she was looking at me like that, and when I realised I got so embarrassed that my face must have looked like a slapped arse where it was so red. I wanted to die, on the spot right then and there.
More recently at work, there was a massive meeting going on in the staff room. I walked in and there were a few people standing around the edges of the meeting. One of them was this bird called Hannah, she's like a fecking super model, seriously. Me being me, decided to choose that moment to be as ungainly as Peter Crouch and during the simple process of taking my coat off I managed to rip the phone off the wall, smashing it on the floor. The reciever broke in half and it made a rather large noise as it crashed down in slow motion. Of course everyone looked round and the meeting stopped while about 60 people watched me frantically trying to fix this phone and put it back on the wall (it was beyond hope). The whole time I had this internal dialogue in my head that was just repeating 'put the fecking phone back on the wall, fix it you cnut, you stupid fecker, put the fecking phone back on the wall, you fecking cnut'. Safe to say Hannah now thinks I'm a fecking pillock, and the phone is still broken to this day.
One last thing, when I was 16 and still had my 'L plates', I took my then girlfriend back to my house and things got a little heated. Me being slightly useless with women at that time, had decided that my out of date, chocolate flavoured condom that I found in my medicine cabinet when I was about 9 was going to be an appealing prospect to this girl (who, I might add, was the subject of much attention at my school due to her rather incredible shirt potatoes). So things are going well, we're on my bed, she's very complimentary and we're both loving it and what's about to happen. 'This is it', I thought, so I said to her 'shall I put something on?' Yes was her reply, fecking brilliant, of course I really shouldn't have carried on talking - 'Great, well I hope you don't mind but it's an out of date chocolate flavoured one that I found...?' My heart literally shot into my mouth for a second when I saw her the look on her face. But, this story has a happy ending, she must have fancied me because she let me have a poke even with a condom that was dark brown and had an undescribable odour. Bonus.
In college, there were loads of fitties that I had my eye on, but there was one in particular who ticked all the right boxes. She had the nicest arse, gorgeous face and used to sell a bit of skunk as well. Anyhow, we used to sneak out of college and stand in a small alley for a spliff every now and then. One day we went out there and were just going to have a fag. So she gave me the fag, but lit hers first, she then held up the lighter to mine and I moved forward and started to light it, at which point she pulled the lighter away and looked at me with a bemused expression on her face. I had no idea what was wrong, turns out I just had the fag the wrong way and was lighting the filter. What made this simple mistake bad though, was the fact that for about 30 seconds I had no idea why she was looking at me like that, and when I realised I got so embarrassed that my face must have looked like a slapped arse where it was so red. I wanted to die, on the spot right then and there.
More recently at work, there was a massive meeting going on in the staff room. I walked in and there were a few people standing around the edges of the meeting. One of them was this bird called Hannah, she's like a fecking super model, seriously. Me being me, decided to choose that moment to be as ungainly as Peter Crouch and during the simple process of taking my coat off I managed to rip the phone off the wall, smashing it on the floor. The reciever broke in half and it made a rather large noise as it crashed down in slow motion. Of course everyone looked round and the meeting stopped while about 60 people watched me frantically trying to fix this phone and put it back on the wall (it was beyond hope). The whole time I had this internal dialogue in my head that was just repeating 'put the fecking phone back on the wall, fix it you cnut, you stupid fecker, put the fecking phone back on the wall, you fecking cnut'. Safe to say Hannah now thinks I'm a fecking pillock, and the phone is still broken to this day.
One last thing, when I was 16 and still had my 'L plates', I took my then girlfriend back to my house and things got a little heated. Me being slightly useless with women at that time, had decided that my out of date, chocolate flavoured condom that I found in my medicine cabinet when I was about 9 was going to be an appealing prospect to this girl (who, I might add, was the subject of much attention at my school due to her rather incredible shirt potatoes). So things are going well, we're on my bed, she's very complimentary and we're both loving it and what's about to happen. 'This is it', I thought, so I said to her 'shall I put something on?' Yes was her reply, fecking brilliant, of course I really shouldn't have carried on talking - 'Great, well I hope you don't mind but it's an out of date chocolate flavoured one that I found...?' My heart literally shot into my mouth for a second when I saw her the look on her face. But, this story has a happy ending, she must have fancied me because she let me have a poke even with a condom that was dark brown and had an undescribable odour. Bonus.
What is it with caftards and rohypnol rape? You lot are fecking retards. Most girls won't laugh at jokes about you raping them, it's fairly simple. @ SmashedFookin Brilliant Mate
yeah, never got into the rape jokes much. just never came to my mind.
that said I've plenty of other ways to make sure I was going home alone.
so... it seems like you've got a nice ass and nice tits
i'm more in love with you than i was before!
Quality story
one time, i noticed that our neighbours had just aquired a live in nanny from czech republic... she was about 19 , beautifull and fit as feck.
i bumped into her in the street and starting chatting her up..
i happened to see her a few nights later when she was returning home and i was on rollerblades coming back from a skate, and she started saying how she wished she could skate etc... leading me to offer to teach her.
so, we ended up going to a park with me teaching her to skate and she was nervous about falling, so i said '' don't worry... if you fall , just grab my cock ''
it was one of those moments where the filter between brain and mouth just doesn't work.... the words came out of my mouth with no for-warning...
and it didn't go down too well.
i bumped into her in the street and starting chatting her up..
i happened to see her a few nights later when she was returning home and i was on rollerblades coming back from a skate, and she started saying how she wished she could skate etc... leading me to offer to teach her.
so, we ended up going to a park with me teaching her to skate and she was nervous about falling, so i said '' don't worry... if you fall , just grab my cock ''
it was one of those moments where the filter between brain and mouth just doesn't work.... the words came out of my mouth with no for-warning...
and it didn't go down too well.
that's so like my style that I swear, it's only the lack of an unopenable door that's stopped me doing thatHowever, when I was at college, my girlfriend was at a different college, and one weekend I was due to travel over to her. Only, I locked myself in my room and missed the train. I stayed there the whole night, lacking a phone to tell her and unable to escape. The next day I got up about midday, absently tried the door again, and it just opened, no problem.
She wasn't best pleased.
spacker
well put great thread, makes me feel better about myself.