Stupid things you've said to people you fancied

[samabachan]

Probably "Te voy a desvirgar el chochete a lametazos, guarra!"(sp?)

 

[rufus diabolus]

Yeah, I think you spelt it wrong, can't understand any of it.

 

[samabachan]

Yeah, I think you spelt it wrong, can't understand any of it.

You do know it's supposed to be Spanish right?

 

[rufus diabolus]

Ah right, I thought it was scottish, what does it say?

 

[samabachan]

I don't really know (Marcos?) I think it's something like 'I want to lick your pussy you dirty bitch' (I was bored and drunk).

 

[rufus diabolus]

Possibly 'I want to devirginate your chocolate starfish, you dirty bitch.'

 

[Cambo]

The whole time I had this internal dialogue in my head that was just repeating 'put the fecking phone back on the wall, fix it you cnut, you stupid fecker, put the fecking phone back on the wall, you fecking cnut'.

 

[Sam]

Alright gimps, this is quite a long story and I’m hoping that will put most of you off reading it. It is, unfortunately for me, 100% true. It isn’t however that funny so if I were you lot I wouldn’t bother reading it. Anyway here it is.

I remember when I was still living with my parents I snuck my girlfriend in one Friday night. I was only 16 and knew my parents would kill me if they found out my girlfriend was staying over, so we had to be dead quiet. Anyway it got to about 3am and she had to use the bathroom. Now I was half asleep, so what I forgot to tell her was don't lock the bathroom door as the lock is dodgy. Anyway you can guess what happened, she locked the bathroom door. The problem is my bedroom was downstairs, my parents room was dead opposite the bathroom. By now she has realized she is locked in and is starting to panic, she can't open the door, she can’t call me for fear of waking my parents and she knows I’m probably fast asleep and way out of hearing range anyway. Eventually she gives in and starts shouting down the stairs. By some miracle of god I heard her before my parents did. So grabbing the first item of clothing I saw, which unfortunately was a towel, I rushed upstairs to find out what the hell she was shouting about. I don’t know if you have ever tried to calm a panicking 16 year old girl through a bathroom door whilst trying not to wake your parents who are sleeping 10 feet away, but it’s not easy. Now the thing with my bathroom lock is it is possible to open from the outside, if you have a knife. There was a part of the lock on the outside that you could slip a thin piece of metal inside and turn and it would unlock the door. Unfortunately it’s easier said than done. As it was my only hope though I set about what needed to be done. Unfortunately though when it comes to DIY, I’m a feckin’ spastic and the amount of swearing and banging I made as I struggled heroically against this lock, probably woke up the entire neighbourhood. Eventually the inevitable happened and my parents woke up. Unfortunately this was about the same time my towel took it upon itself to throw itself to the floor (I’ve always had problems with towels, apparently I have some sort of towel resistant skin and they just keep sliding off). So by the time my parents had opened their bedroom door they were confronted with me, half naked struggling to hold up my towel and keep what was left of my dignity with one hand, and my other hand repeatedly jamming a knife into the bathroom door in frustration. Eventually, due to them not being utter spastics when it comes to DIY, they managed to get the bathroom door open, and I was left with a lot of explaining to do. Fortunately it was about 4am by now and they were too tired to shout at me. I can still remember the feeling of relief as they went back to bed leaving behind only a few lingering scowls. Of course my girlfriend by now was furious and I knew my next task was to apologize and console her. It was about now that my luck took a turn for the worse.

I, being the utter gimp I am, decided to show her how to lock the door so I could show her how to unlock it from the inside, as it cold be done but there was a knack to it. Unfortunately for me, that was the night I discovered I didn’t have that knack. 3 minutes after we finally managed to get the bathroom door open, I managed to lock he both of us in. I wish I could describe the expression on my parents face when they finally managed to get the door open for a second time. It was some sort of mix between sheer wonder at how I had actually managed to lock my girlfriend in the bathroom a second time, embarrassment that their oldest son had just made a tit of himself in front of this attractive young girl, and anger that not only had I snuck my girlfriend in, but I had managed to wake them up. Twice.

I don’t really know how to finish this story. Even after glancing over certain, more embarrassing parts, and trying to make myself sound less foolish than I actually was, it wasn’t my proudest moment.

 

[mehro]

That's like the only story Smashed knows and keeps telling it again and again. Ban him.

 

[spinoza]

that's so like my style that I swear, it's only the lack of an unopenable door that's stopped me doing that

However, when I was at college, my girlfriend was at a different college, and one weekend I was due to travel over to her. Only, I locked myself in my room and missed the train. I stayed there the whole night, lacking a phone to tell her and unable to escape. The next day I got up about midday, absently tried the door again, and it just opened, no problem.

She wasn't best pleased.

You might have starved to death

 

[SmashedHombre]

You might have starved to death

Come on, this is plech. he would have just taken all the doors of their hinges, and gone to the pub for a pint.

 

[Plechazunga]

I've just been reminded of another one. Not long after college I went to a job interview. The woman interviewing me turned out to be amazingly fit. She had fantastic black hair, great big eyes with that 60s mascara style, and was wearing this dark blue blouse that had a full collar but then a big hole underneath it, a kind of window, a window which, as it turned out, opened onto the wonderful world of her breasts.

The breasts were phenomenal. They weren't touching each other as they often are in a cleavage, but were separated by a brief lacuna of smooth chest, and were at once delightfully pert and sumptuously pendulous, curving away like exotic moons at either side of the "window" into an unfathomable infinity of mauve organza.....

Er, anyway... Seemingly unaware of the state of quasi-religious ecstasy I was in, she insisted on repeatedly asking me questions, questions I didn't know the answer to, questions involving things like "teamwork" and whether or not I'd say I was a people person. I'm normally an excellent bullshitter, but was having a hard time keeping my mind off those transcendental cans. I don't really know how well I was doing, but I think I was just about holding it together, when she decided to throw in a question from left field, and asked me what films I'd been to see recently.

I love films and had said so on my CV, and had been to see loads, and in any ordinary situation could have banged on indefinitely about any of them. But my mind went totally blank and all I could think of was "Gorillas in the Mist", I have no idea why, I hadn't seen it since I was about 12. My internal voice just alternated between shouting "DON'T THINK ABOUT HER TITS" and "DON'T START TALKING ABOUT GORILLAS IN THE MIST", while the rest of me just sat there in silence, like a gimp, for about three minutes.

I didn't get the job, and obviously I didn't bone her, that wasn't remotely on the cards.

 

[utdalltheway]

could've been worse Plech. you could have said "the Englishman that came over her mountains".

 

[Plechazunga]

good point

 

[Wonder Pigeon]

I've just been reminded of another one. Not long after college I went to a job interview. The woman interviewing me turned out to be amazingly fit. She had fantastic black hair, great big eyes with that 60s mascara style, and was wearing this dark blue blouse that had a full collar but then a big hole underneath it, a kind of window, a window which, as it turned out, opened onto the wonderful world of her breasts.

The breasts were phenomenal. They weren't touching each other as they often are in a cleavage, but were separated by a brief lacuna of smooth chest, and were at once delightfully pert and sumptuously pendulous, curving away like exotic moons at either side of the "window" into an unfathomable infinity of mauve organza.....

Er, anyway... Seemingly unaware of the state of quasi-religious ecstasy I was in, she insisted on repeatedly asking me questions, questions I didn't know the answer to, questions involving things like "teamwork" and whether or not I'd say I was a people person. I'm normally an excellent bullshitter, but was having a hard time keeping my mind off those transcendental cans. I don't really know how well I was doing, but I think I was just about holding it together, when she decided to throw in a question from left field, and asked me what films I'd been to see recently.

I love films and had said so on my CV, and had been to see loads, and in any ordinary situation could have banged on indefinitely about any of them. But my mind went totally blank and all I could think of was "Gorillas in the Mist", I have no idea why, I hadn't seen it since I was about 12. My internal voice just alternated between shouting "DON'T THINK ABOUT HER TITS" and "DON'T START TALKING ABOUT GORILLAS IN THE MIST", while the rest of me just sat there in silence, like a gimp, for about three minutes.

I didn't get the job, and obviously I didn't bone her, that wasn't remotely on the cards.

 

[Chorley1974]

I was once at a party chatting to some really good looking bird, and had been working my magic all night on her and I was literally about 5 minutes away from a shag. She asked me to accompany her to the bathroom, so I obliged. When we went walking upstairs, the lights were all off and she said something to the effect of, "I get scared when the lights are off", to which I jokingly replied along the lines of "all the better for me to rape you".. Things sort of dulled from there.

Winner

 

[Rooney24]

Asked one girl how come your single?

Meant it as a compliment, but she took it as the biggest insult ever,

Never seen her again long after that.

 

[Jacob]

Asked one girl how come your single?

Meant it as a compliment, but she took it as the biggest insult ever,

Never seen her again long after that.

That's a pretty common question tbh

 

[The Flying Potato]

not a lass i fancied but she was on msn and she changed her profile pic in which she looked ALOT thinner so I said "Wow, you look a lot thinner in that pic!". She was not too happy.

 

[Wonder Pigeon]

About a year and a half ago I was convinced by this hot girl in my class to do the school play, she also got two of her mates, just as hot, to be stage managers. Another guy who was in the play was one of those irritating, attention seeking types, didn't bother to learn his lines, always mincing about.
Anyway one day we were all standing in the wings, me, the three hot girls, and this guy. I'm joking around with the girls, I am pretty good at making girls laugh usually. Anyway, out of the blue the irritating guy, who I must add was about 3 years younger than all of us, says "nobody seems to like me..." I turned around and said, quite loudly, "Thats because you're a cnut!"
I remain on good terms with all 3 girls, and they're all about a million miles out of my league anyway, but the looks of shock and disgust they gave me were very haunting.

 

[Spammy]

'separated by a brief lacuna of smooth chest...'

Nice.

 

[Jacob]

Me and my mate were working in a tele marketing company, we had just got our lunch break so all trainees streamed out of the room. Our teacher was very fit, in our age too. So, we were stood by the end of a long corridor and I went like, "mate, I'm half-erected by looking at her tits rather than listening to her". One second later she walked around the very same corner smiling. Don't be fooled though, I got fired later that day.

 

[Murphman]

A hundred years ago when I was a teenager, a mate of mine had the job of picking up the fish and chips for the family every Friday after work. So there he was, running down the road covered in oil and general industrial shite after a day at the lathe with 4 big greasy bags in his hand. As he jogged around the corner he bumped into Anette Rafferty, the girl of all our dreams, dolled up to the nines looking fecking lovely as always.

'Hello Ben, what have you got there?' said the polite, small talking but ever lovely Annette.

'Chips' said Ben, then he snorted an embarrassed snort at which point three inches of snot hit his cheek and stuck'.

It couldn't have been any worse as Anetter recoiled in disgust, except it did, in the absence of a free hand he sniffed up vigorously and the little green fecker wriggled it's way straight back up his left nostrel!

A snog was out of the question apparently?

 

[Saints RL MUFC]

Alright gimps, this is quite a long story and I’m hoping that will put most of you off reading it. It is, unfortunately for me, 100% true. It isn’t however that funny so if I were you lot I wouldn’t bother reading it. Anyway here it is.

I remember when I was still living with my parents I snuck my girlfriend in one Friday night. I was only 16 and knew my parents would kill me if they found out my girlfriend was staying over, so we had to be dead quiet. Anyway it got to about 3am and she had to use the bathroom. Now I was half asleep, so what I forgot to tell her was don't lock the bathroom door as the lock is dodgy. Anyway you can guess what happened, she locked the bathroom door. The problem is my bedroom was downstairs, my parents room was dead opposite the bathroom. By now she has realized she is locked in and is starting to panic, she can't open the door, she can’t call me for fear of waking my parents and she knows I’m probably fast asleep and way out of hearing range anyway. Eventually she gives in and starts shouting down the stairs. By some miracle of god I heard her before my parents did. So grabbing the first item of clothing I saw, which unfortunately was a towel, I rushed upstairs to find out what the hell she was shouting about. I don’t know if you have ever tried to calm a panicking 16 year old girl through a bathroom door whilst trying not to wake your parents who are sleeping 10 feet away, but it’s not easy. Now the thing with my bathroom lock is it is possible to open from the outside, if you have a knife. There was a part of the lock on the outside that you could slip a thin piece of metal inside and turn and it would unlock the door. Unfortunately it’s easier said than done. As it was my only hope though I set about what needed to be done. Unfortunately though when it comes to DIY, I’m a feckin’ spastic and the amount of swearing and banging I made as I struggled heroically against this lock, probably woke up the entire neighbourhood. Eventually the inevitable happened and my parents woke up. Unfortunately this was about the same time my towel took it upon itself to throw itself to the floor (I’ve always had problems with towels, apparently I have some sort of towel resistant skin and they just keep sliding off). So by the time my parents had opened their bedroom door they were confronted with me, half naked struggling to hold up my towel and keep what was left of my dignity with one hand, and my other hand repeatedly jamming a knife into the bathroom door in frustration. Eventually, due to them not being utter spastics when it comes to DIY, they managed to get the bathroom door open, and I was left with a lot of explaining to do. Fortunately it was about 4am by now and they were too tired to shout at me. I can still remember the feeling of relief as they went back to bed leaving behind only a few lingering scowls. Of course my girlfriend by now was furious and I knew my next task was to apologize and console her. It was about now that my luck took a turn for the worse.

I, being the utter gimp I am, decided to show her how to lock the door so I could show her how to unlock it from the inside, as it cold be done but there was a knack to it. Unfortunately for me, that was the night I discovered I didn’t have that knack. 3 minutes after we finally managed to get the bathroom door open, I managed to lock he both of us in. I wish I could describe the expression on my parents face when they finally managed to get the door open for a second time. It was some sort of mix between sheer wonder at how I had actually managed to lock my girlfriend in the bathroom a second time, embarrassment that their oldest son had just made a tit of himself in front of this attractive young girl, and anger that not only had I snuck my girlfriend in, but I had managed to wake them up. Twice.

I don’t really know how to finish this story. Even after glancing over certain, more embarrassing parts, and trying to make myself sound less foolish than I actually was, it wasn’t my proudest moment.

Potentially the funniest thing I have read, ever

 

[Utd heap]

When i first started college we had to play a name game to get to know everyone.
I sat next to the one girl who i did know, as she went to my old school, and i happened to fancy her.
So we had to asy our name, with alliteration.
E.g, i said generous George.

So it comes to her, and she asks me for advice...

Brilliantly i came up with, 'easy Ellen', for her, and said it loud enough for the class to here.

Everyone else in this class found it funny. Not her.

 

[Wonder Pigeon]

When i first started college we had to play a name game to get to know everyone.
I sat next to the one girl who i did know, as she went to my old school, and i happened to fancy her.
So we had to asy our name, with alliteration.
E.g, i said generous George.

So it comes to her, and she asks me for advice...

Brilliantly i came up with, 'easy Ellen', for her, and said it loud enough for the class to here.

Everyone else in this class found it funny. Not her.

One of the aforementioned hot girls is the only person from my old school going to the same college as me-this cannot end well.

 

[The Flying Potato]

A hundred years ago when I was a teenager, a mate of mine had the job of picking up the fish and chips for the family every Friday after work. So there he was, running down the road covered in oil and general industrial shite after a day at the lathe with 4 big greasy bags in his hand. As he jogged around the corner he bumped into Anette Rafferty, the girl of all our dreams, dolled up to the nines looking fecking lovely as always.

'Hello Ben, what have you got there?' said the polite, small talking but ever lovely Annette.

'Chips' said Ben, then he snorted an embarrassed snort at which point three inches of snot hit his cheek and stuck'.

It couldn't have been any worse as Anetter recoiled in disgust, except it did, in the absence of a free hand he sniffed up vigorously and the little green fecker wriggled it's way straight back up his left nostrel!

A snog was out of the question apparently?

I LOL'd

 

[ElmParkRed]

This unfortunately is probably no the stupidest thing I have ever said to a lass I liked, but it is something that has always stood out in my mind. It was when I was back in college and this lass asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her, can't remember what for now. Anyway my response was summit like 'I don't know, I'm not really much of a shopper. It's not that I don't like shopping, it's actually not that bad. It's just that I have problems with the whole carrier bag side of shopping. You see I can't carry a plastic bag and walk, it's a condition I have. It's actually quite sad really, my leg tends to hit the bag, causing it to spin round dramatically, the handles wrap themselves round my fingers and cut off all the circulation. And what happens then? Thats right. Rigormortis.'

I was trying to be funny, looking back on it I realize what an idiot I sounded. Everyone knows shopping bags don't cause rigormortis.

LMFAO
That's the best thing I've read in here, without a doubt!
If you thought that up, spur of the moment, you should be on stage!

 

[Murphman]

edit

 

[Jacob]

Is it not in this thread where somebody posted a story about him saying "have a nice life" before she closed the door? Loved that story

 

[Rooney24]

That's a pretty common question tbh

I know, but I think it was more the way i said it. I think she thought I was being sarcastic, and that it was obvious why she was single....She went in a right fecking stroppy huff so I think I had a lucky escape anyway from the moody cow.

 

[samabachan]

Once said to a bird 'If my girlfriend dumps me, do you want the job?'

I don't think she spoke to me again.




Also, in halls at uni we were all getting into taxis and heading down to the flavour of the evening club and me and my mate happen to jump in with a couple of girls we don't know. Me being an expert in verbal diarrhoea after a few jars, we get chatting. It gets as far as the 'what's your name' stage, so we say our names. This tidy effort then says 'My name's Maj'. My reply? THAT RHYMES WITH FADGE! shouted across the taxi!
*Cue my mate bursting into laughter and then silence for the rest of the journey*

 

[Anderson15]

I know a guy who was obssessed with saying stuff like 'your mum' and 'so's your mum' and shit like that.

He was going to his girlfriends house where her mum was cooking them a dinner but it had got cold because they had arrived late, anyway they put the food in the microwave to heat up and as he was gettin the food out the microwave his girlfriend said ''watch the plates there hot'' he replied naturally ''so's your mum'' not realising shes standing in the kitchen with her husband

 

[cesc's_mullet]

I was once outside a friend's flat, waiting for her to wake up and let me in, and a friend of hers turned up. She was an absolute knockout, and we were getting on really well as we waited, it felt like we'd connected... then there was a silence, and for no comprehensible reason, I said, "I feel like a burglar." She said "Why?" and I couldn't think of a reason. It went downhill from there.

 

[cesc's_mullet]

One girl I really liked, asked me if a fancied her. Now, it was pretty obvious that she was hoping that I would say yes, but, for some reason, that to this day I still don't know, I said no.

gayer

 

[cesc's_mullet]

I was once at a party chatting to some really good looking bird, and had been working my magic all night on her and I was literally about 5 minutes away from a shag. She asked me to accompany her to the bathroom, so I obliged. When we went walking upstairs, the lights were all off and she said something to the effect of, "I get scared when the lights are off", to which I jokingly replied along the lines of "all the better for me to rape you".. Things sort of dulled from there.

 

[R.N7]

Well, I was at a party, there was this girl I liked then, we talked, etc and at some point she went out onto the balcony for a smoke. I wanted to join her so we could be alone for a while away from the crowd and the music.
As I was going towards the balcony I spotted a broom handle and decided to be spontaneous and cute.
I took it. Then I barged outside onto the balcony, waving the fecking stick like a sword shouting: "I am Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod. There can be only one!"
The look she gave me will haunt me for the rest of my life.

 

[spinoza]

could've been worse Plech. you could have said "the Englishman that came over her mountains".

I've just splattered hot coffee over my screen again, second time in a fortnight.

 

[jgraham]

This thread is definately up there with the best of them, i've been laughing out loud at a lot of the stories on here!

I only wish i had a funny story to share but at this minute i can't think of any occasion - thats not to say i've never made a complete and utter dick out of myself in front of a girl as i have on many occasion!

 

[nooshka]

Remember staying at a friends house after going out in Cardiff one night and was trying to get on her flat mate. After trying and not getting anywhere i spoke to one of my friends about a week later who told me she said "That nooshka seems a nice lad but found him a bit strange when he started telling me the best cure for a hangover was to wank in a can of coke and drink it".

To this day i have no idea why i said it and have no recollection of saying it and before anyone starts i have never even tried this as a hangover remedy.