Carrick: 'I left Rome but I don't think Rome has ever really left me'

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On the topic of devastating losses leading to depression: if the impossible doesn't happen in istanbul, milan would have 1 more CL, United would have 1 more CL(2007, you would have beaten milan), and liverpool and barcelona would both have 1 less...
I don't understand? Why would Milan have 1 more, if we beat them in 2007?
 

Inter Yer Nan

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This. Had porto not gotten that goal in the last minute, we would have won. Should have hammered Dortmund as well.
I think Deportivo would have been a struggle for us in the semi's that year. We have a tricky record vs. Spanish sides and Deportivo generally gave us problems back then. Not saying we wouldn't have won (our only KO games with Depor we did win) but it would have been 50/50.
 

crappycraperson

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I think Barca were strong favourites though, right? I mean they completely obliterated us in the final. Fergie did arguably get his tactics wrong with isolating Ronaldo up front, but I doubt it would've made much difference regardless. They were another level.
We were the favs going in with the bookies.
 

giorno

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I don't understand? Why would Milan have 1 more, if we beat them in 2007?
They would have beaten a tired, out of form barcelona in 2006(whom they already went close to beating anyways. 3 posts in the first leg and a perfectly good goal disallowed in the second leg)
 

Nickosaur

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I hardly remember anything about those two Barcelona finals, inebriation + never expected United to beat them.
Yeah me too. Actually I remember screaming my head off for the Rooney goal, but still not really believing we ever had a chance, if that makes sense.
 

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I can't believe a club of our stature has only won the CL thrice. Fergie for all his greatness and his great United teams has only won it twice. We really should have won it a couple more times. The Porto and Dortmund knockouts at OT were more hurting for me. We could really have gone all the way in that two years
2010 vs Bayern as well. That one still hurts to this day. We would've almost certainly beaten Lyon and Inter Milan.
 

endless_wheelies

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You had to bully that Barcelona side.

Fergie in big games just never seemed to quite *get* it.
 

Greck

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You had to bully that Barcelona side.

Fergie in big games just never seemed to quite *get* it.
This is pub talk. Everyone said this but it was easier said than done. Nothing short of illegal rugby tackles could stop their passing game. It also doesn't help that referees in Europe don't have a very high tolerance for physicality. Having a single midfielder on a yellow against Messi and the rest was a nightmare scenario
 

charlenefan

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Sad to hear Carrick speaking like that, good job he didn't read what people on here were posting about him in reference to that final and around that period
 

Bwuk

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Think that was the most devastating loss in recent memory as a United fan. I thought we’d win the final.

2011 was different but I really think we could of won 2009 on another day.
 

endless_wheelies

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This is pub talk. Everyone said this but it was easier said than done. Nothing short of illegal rugby tackles could stop their passing game. It also doesn't help that referees in Europe don't have a very high tolerance for physicality. Having a single midfielder on a yellow against Messi and the rest was a nightmare scenario
What did Chelsea do throughout that period then? Outplay them?
 

Bobski

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2011 didn't hurt at all(well not much) We all knew how it would go and that was probably the peak of Pep's Barca. 2008 was different, Barca had yet to confirm themselves as what they became and if Utd had won that final it would have cemented that era 06-10 as one of the best club periods ever. That was the opportunity for Utd to put themselves alongside teams like the great Milan side of the early 90's to be seen as a truly legendary group worldwide. For us they still are but given the records Utd set in Europe over those 2 years it was a humbling experience for them.

For Carrick personally I am not surprised, the defeats are always more bitter than the wins are sweet.
 

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If all those wrong decisions were given the tie would've still been close. Barcelona were definitely lucky and I guess you need luck to win a CL.
Maybe we shouldn't have faced them in 2011 final either. Pepe was wrongly sent off in the clasico semi final match and Barcelona may not have won 2-0 if the sending off didn't happen.
Yeah, I agree. There were a number of bad decisions affecting both teams and there was basically nothing separating them by the end of the two legs. Could have gone either way.

Credit to Chelsea though - they were custom designed to play against Barcelona with a top-class defence comfortable operating deep, a hard-working and defensively disciplined midfield, and a dominating target man as an out-ball to bully ball-playing centre-backs.
 

Gio

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I can't believe a club of our stature has only won the CL thrice. Fergie for all his greatness and his great United teams has only won it twice. We really should have won it a couple more times. The Porto and Dortmund knockouts at OT were more hurting for me. We could really have gone all the way in that two years
To be fair though, given the narrow manner of the final wins in 1999 and 2008 which both could easily have gone the other way, Ferguson's total could be 'even less'.
 

choiboyx012

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I guess I'm alone in that i was more heart broken with the 2011 final, mainly because we equalized 1-1 by half time and had a chance.

The 2009 final we were only good for the opening 10-15 minutes, and once etoo scored it was very one sided
 

Canagel

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Yeah, I agree. There were a number of bad decisions affecting both teams and there was basically nothing separating them by the end of the two legs. Could have gone either way.

Credit to Chelsea though - they were custom designed to play against Barcelona with a top-class defence comfortable operating deep, a hard-working and defensively disciplined midfield, and a dominating target man as an out-ball to bully ball-playing centre-backs.
Definitely. They were well organized, frustrated them and carried a threat in attack as well. Did a much much better job than we did.
 

el3mel

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I guess I'm alone in that i was more heart broken with the 2011 final, mainly because we equalized 1-1 by half time and had a chance.

The 2009 final we were only good for the opening 10-15 minutes, and once etoo scored it was very one sided
2011 final wasn't much different though. We were utterly and completely outclassed in the second half of 2011 final. That was embarrassing to watch tbf.
 

Sir Scott McToMinay

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2011 final wasn't much different though. We were utterly and completely outclassed in the second half of 2011 final. That was embarrassing to watch tbf.

Absolutely, made us look like a sunday league side in a CL final, the diving midgets.
Our only chance to somehow win that game was to play 5-3-2 imo.
SAF had a lot of courage to try and play proactive football against them, they were something else, what was he thinking?
 

el3mel

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Absolutely, made us look like a sunday league side in a CL final, the diving midgets.
Our only chance to somehow win that game was to play 5-3-2 imo.
SAF had a lot of courage to try and play proactive football against them, they were something else, what was he thinking?
SAF biggest mistake in that 2011 was going on with Giggs as a midfielder. Imagine playing a near 40 player in midfield against their very dynamic midfield.

But overall I think we were going to lose both finals anyway. Barca were far too much for us. Just hopped it would have come in a more classy way than being dominated like that though.

Always thought the 2011 team wasn't that good and had it lucky to the final. Our 2010 team was far better and I think we could have a decent chance, far more than Bayern, against Inter in the final.
 

Sir Scott McToMinay

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SAF biggest mistake in that 2011 was going on with Giggs as a midfielder. Imagine playing a near 40 player in midfield against their very dynamic midfield.

But overall I think we were going to lose both finals anyway. Barca were far too much for us. Just hopped it would have come in a more classy way than being dominated like that though.

Always thought the 2011 team wasn't that good and had it lucky to the final. Our 2010 team was far better and I think we could have a decent chance, far more than Bayern, against Inter in the final.
Yes, but he’s had no other options. Fletcher was done, Giggs was more athletic than Scholes and was having a better season, Anderson ?(lol).
I remember people suggesting we play with Carrick-Giggs-Evans/O’shea midfield.
Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.
 

el3mel

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Yes, but he’s had no other options. Fletcher was done, Giggs was more athletic than Scholes and was having a better season, Anderson ?(lol).
I remember people suggesting we play with Carrick-Giggs-Evans/O’shea midfield.
Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.
That's why I think overall we would have lost anyway. Barca were just too much for us.
 

el3mel

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You must have put your mansion and grandmother on Barcelona to win the bookmakers, because you knew it was going to happen.
Anyone who watched La Liga this season knew that Barca were extremely phenomenal and that would be mostly their year. They just went under radar in England I believe. Iniesta goal proved they had the luck on their side too.
 

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To this day I still say a 2-1 would have been a fairer result.

And to this day I still think Chelsea would have won the 2009 final against Barcelona.
 
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Ibrahimorich

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I guess I'm alone in that i was more heart broken with the 2011 final, mainly because we equalized 1-1 by half time and had a chance.

The 2009 final we were only good for the opening 10-15 minutes, and once etoo scored it was very one sided
Up until the Eto'o goal I remember us out-Barcelona-ing Barcelona. They didn't touch the ball until they scored pretty much (my memory might be wrong, I don't particularly want to watch it again). For that first 10 minutes I thought we had transcended football, we were going to smash them and they were all hype :drool:. After they scored, we basically didn't touch the ball though :(

In 2011 I was under no illusion that we were going to get anything but routed. 3-1 was actual a decent showing. At least we scored. I guess you didn't get scarred by 2009.
 

Georgan

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Barcelona should never have been in the final. Chelsea were robbed by the referee. We would've probably won back to back champions league otherwise.
Do we know what happened to that referee? I really never saw him after that steal of a job lol.
 

SalfordCitizen

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Anyone who watched La Liga this season knew that Barca were extremely phenomenal and that would be mostly their year. They just went under radar in England I believe. Iniesta goal proved they had the luck on their side too.
Yes, they were. I remember. But in a one-off game scenario in football anything can happen and quite usually, anything does happen. See: Barcelona 0 Hercules 2. You can't say you 'knew it would happen', nobody knows what's going to happen in football, especially in a knockout Champions league match. More of than not the best team doesn't win the European Cup. The best team, though, did win that year.
 

Charlie Foley

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Park should have scored at 0-0. We also should have put Rooney up top and Ronaldo on the wing. If I recall correctly they had Puyol at right back and Pique and Toure at centre back. Rooney would have done better against the latter two, and I think Ronaldo would rinse Puyol.

Also, when we went 1-0 down, I believe we pushed Giggs further forward, leaving Rooney out on the wing. A mistake.

Would loved to have played that game with Hargreaves, Fletcher and Carrick in midfield, Ronaldo on the wing and Rooney up top. Also would have started Tevez-he didn't have a great season but he's better on the ball than Park and I don't think the effort would have been much less.

We might still have lost, but I'll always wonder!

Fun fact about that game: we all felt dominated, but the statistics are surprisingly, perhaps misleadingly, balanced. We had 49% possession, more shots and more corners. 2011, that was a real dicking, even if the Rooney goal was a great moment. Fergie saying he "knew what went wrong" in 2009 gave us all far too much hope :lol:
 

Sir Scott McToMinay

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Personally I thought we were going to beat them in 2009, was feeling confident going into that match.
Our defence was brilliant the whole season, and I didn’t think theirs could deal with the power and the pace of Ronaldo and Rooney.
They’ve also had Toure at CB, so there was also that.
We absolutely dismantled Arsenal a couple of weeks before that, and they were the closest team to Barca at the time, style-wise.
So yeah I wasn’t expecting that outcome at all, even though I knew they were having a great season.
 

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Michael Carrick: I’ve never talked to Sir Alex Ferguson about Rome – it’s too painful

Sir Alex warned us of Barcelona’s “passing carousel” which could make us dizzy, and I soon saw what he meant in the Champions League final in Rome in 2009. Xavi, Busquets, Iniesta and Messi circulated the ball between them, keeping it, hurting us and punishing mistakes. I was loose with a header and Iniesta was on it in a flash, passing to Messi. Barcelona are ruthless in transition. I was close to Messi but couldn’t prevent him passing back to Iniesta who got ahead of me and Anderson. Iniesta slipped the ball to Eto’o, who got away from Vidic. I slid in but only got close enough to Eto’o to see him score.

In quiet moments in the weeks after our 2-0 defeat, that passage of play kept returning to haunt me. I couldn’t get it out of my head. It sounds melodramatic, but I’ve never recovered from it. The memory of conceding such a soft goal is always there in my mind. Giving the ball away to any team was dangerous, but to Barcelona it was suicidal.

That was the worst I’ve felt on a football pitch after a game by a mile. I was mentally devastated, angry and frustrated by my performance and by United’s. We let ourselves down in Rome. Waiting to collect our losers’ medals was painful. I just wanted to get the hell out of the Stadio Olimpico. We gathered in a broken line, Sir Alex at the front, followed by Giggsy, Scholesy and Wazza while I stood with Rio. He said a few words to me, but I wasn’t taking anything in.

We’d been so good for two years, so amazingly consistent, a record 25 games in the Champions League unbeaten — a hell of a run — yet we’d ended up giving our worst display in Rome. The pain in my broken toe was nothing compared to the agony of defeat and underperforming. I was numb, just standing there, staring into space, asking why? Everything I did in the game felt like it was going through my mind on repeat. I was beating myself up, sinking lower and lower, slipping into a depressed state.

After receiving the medal I didn’t want, I trudged back to the changing room. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I slumped in my seat and cradled my head in my hands.

The Boss was understandably angry and had a go at everyone. “You need to have a look at yourselves and see if you can play at this level,” he said. Moscow was irrelevant. We were Manchester United and the expectation was relentless. “You’ve let a good chance slip away here,” he said. The Boss summed up exactly how I was feeling. After he finished, I just questioned myself again and again. Am I good enough?

When I woke in the morning, the heartache was still there. It was like I’d been hit by a bus. I’d never been this low before.

I left Rome but I don’t think Rome has ever really left me. When I got home, I sat out in the garden and didn’t speak to anyone. I couldn’t. I was totally numb. A couple of mates called in the day after the final, but I didn’t want to talk about the game, I didn’t want to talk about anything really. I went into the garden with Louise and just sat on the grass as she played around me. I hardly moved. I just wanted to be left alone to play with Louise, probably because she was one of the only people who didn’t see the game and was far too young to understand. I watched her crawling around at my feet, but my mind was still a thousand miles away, just thinking, “Why?”

I thought about my passing in Rome, when I’d tried three or four long passes. One was good, a diagonal to Rooney in the first half, another was a decent pass but it bounced over Ronaldo, and I also over-hit a couple to Ronaldo and Rooney. The one to Ronnie was only a fraction off but, in those games, a fraction looks a mile.

I sat there thinking, “Was it my broken toe? Nah, that’s a shit excuse. Take it like a man.” My mind was besieged by so many questions and I just couldn’t find any answers. It was a lonely place to be. I had so much support and love from my family but nobody could help me. I had to fight through the depths of depression and that took a long, long time.

Depression over a game of football sounds extreme, doesn’t it? But I genuinely felt in a very dark place. It might sound a crazy exaggeration comparing football to a death but after Rome I felt like I was grieving. Six months earlier we’d been crowned the best in the world and now I tortured myself with questions about why we’d come second in Europe. Everything we did to reach Rome meant nothing to me now.

I’d had a string of massive highs: three league titles and winning a Champions League final, then I just hit rock bottom. I was weak, naïve and insecure enough to think after Rome, “Top players don’t lose Champions League finals. If I’m that good then why have we lost?” Looking back at the mess my mind was in, it’s crazy really, because Manchester United had still won the Premier League and League Cup in 2009 but, to me, that was totally irrelevant. Rome defeated me.

I’ve never talked about Rome with the Boss. I can’t, it’s too painful. Even now, almost a decade on, the gloom from Rome has not completely gone. I returned pre-season, and just couldn’t shake the depression off and 2009-10 was my worst season for United. I’d lost that edge. I had a heavy head and a heavy heart, even my body felt heavier. Nothing came easy. It felt like I was stuck in a rut, stop-start-stop. I tried but I just couldn’t shake myself into life. Confidence is a major part of a sportsman’s performance, when it’s there you take it for granted and if it disappears, it’s desperate.

In games, I went from having a calm, clear, sharp mind to a cloudy, slow, uncertain one. I went from seeing the best option without even thinking to seeing six things at once and choosing the worst one at the wrong time. I knew it was all in my head, but I felt that I couldn’t turn to anyone for help, I’m too stubborn.

I don’t find it easy to open up to people, really only my wife Lisa, my brother Graeme, Mam and Dad. That period after Rome was a depression I had to confront on my own. I felt trapped in a vicious circle: my football suffered because of my bleak mood, which made me feel worse, so my mood darkened further.

Lisa definitely knew how bad a state I was in, especially during the World Cup in 2010. In South Africa, I was in a really bad way, homesick as well as depressed. Physically, I was in my prime, but emotionally I was a wreck. “I’m coming home, I’ve had enough,” I told Lisa. She knew I was in a mess, but then Lisa was having a tough time at home having just had Jacey. Lisa was in a bad way as she’d had problems with her back since giving birth to Louise, and still does, so I felt guilty even moaning to Lisa. Jacey had just arrived and having a son was a blessing, but I was a mess.

I reached the stage in 2010 where I thought, “Do you know what? I don’t know if I want to do this any more.” I was just so down, so depressed and I didn’t want to play.
 

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The most difficult lost I've had as a United fan. All I remember about the result was getting absolutely pissed after Barca's second and tripping up and falling a sleep in the goal in the garden. So yeah not great memories.
 

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Michael Carrick interview: Barcelona defeat sent me into a two-year depression




Michael Carrick sits down on the sofa, unfolds his arms and finally lets out a secret that he has kept locked up inside him for almost a decade.

When Sir Alex Ferguson, David Beckham, Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville wake up this morning, they will discover for the first time that their friend and former colleague suffered from depression for the best part of two years.

The former United midfielder, one of the most decorated players in the club’s long and proud history, today opens up about his battle with depression, in this interview and in his autobiography Between the Lines, which is serialised in The Times this week.

The bouts of depression began nine years ago, when the final whistle sounded in Manchester United’s Champions League final defeat by Barcelona, but only now has Carrick felt able to reveal the full extent of the torment that he felt following that night in Rome.

“It was the biggest low of my career by quite some way and I don’t really know why,” Carrick says, shrugging his shoulders as he speaks. “I thought I’d let myself down in the biggest game of my career. I had won the Champions League the year before, but that was totally irrelevant.

“It felt like I was depressed. I was really down. I imagine that is what depression is.

“I describe it as depression because it wasn’t a one-off thing. I felt bad or terrible after some games, but then you get over it in the next couple of days, but that one I just couldn’t shrug off. It was a strange feeling.”

After that night in the Stadio Olimpico, Carrick went on holiday to Majorca with his wife Lisa and their first child Louise, then only 15 months old, but he barely spoke to them.

Night after night, he would replay the passage of play that led to Barcelona’s first goal, scored by Samuel Eto’o, in which his loose header was pounced on by Andrés.

“I beat myself up over that goal,” Carrick says. “I kept asking myself: ‘why did I do that?’ and then it [the depression] snowballed from there. It was a tough year after that. It lingered for a long time.” Carrick is not asking for sympathy. He knows that there are people out there who are worse off than him. That is why he is donating the profits from his book to the Michael Carrick Foundation, the charity he set up which helps young people in deprived areas get access to training facilities.

The 37-year-old is merely asking for understanding about the psychological demands that are placed on top-level footballers.

“As a footballer you are expected to be that machine that just churns out results after results, performance after performance,” Carrick says. “You are paid well and you play for a big club so why can’t he be good every week? It’s just not like that. It’s not easy to do that and it’s easy to forget that. There could be all sorts going on that you don’t know about.”

So bad was the self doubt that one of the finest passers of his generation, “the conductor of the orchestra” as Ferguson’s former assistant Mike Phelan used to call him, threatened to come home during the World Cup in South Africa eight years ago.

“In 2010, that was the worst time. It was my dream to be at a World Cup but the truth is that I didn’t want to be there,” Carrick says. “I wanted to be at home. I was telling Lisa: ‘I’ve had enough. I want to come home.’

“I wouldn’t have done but that’s how I felt.”

Carrick only began to feel that he had rediscovered his mojo in United’s Champions League quarter-final win over Chelsea in April 2011. For the previous two years, only Carrick’s parents, his brother Graeme and his wife Lisa knew about his struggles.

“I kept it to myself most of the time. Even my family didn’t know the full extent of it,” he says.

“It’s not something that’s really spoken about in football. I have not spoken about it before. For the lads that I have played with that are reading this, this will be the first time that they know [about the depression]. They wouldn’t know. They might say he wasn’t playing well, or he wasn’t himself, but they wouldn’t know the extent to which the problem was. I just tried to keep it to myself and get through it.”

There is something refreshing about hearing one of the game’s most respected figures talk so openly about a topic that is still considered by some to be off limits in the macho world of football.

Honesty is one of the many character traits that has served Carrick well throughout his career. He is an engaging figure, a man who speaks with sincerity and authority during our 30-minute chat at the Malmaison hotel in Manchester.

Our interview takes place a couple of days after United’s Carabao Cup defeat on penalties to Derby County. The back-page headline on the copy of the Manchester Evening News that sits in the hotel lobby reads: “DISUNITED – it’s Pog against José as rift at Reds deepens”.

Wherever Carrick turns, tales of discord within the camp are prevalent, but José Mourinho’s No 2 will not add fuel to the fire by declaring that he would one day like to take Mourinho’s place in the home dugout at Old Trafford.

“I don’t want to throw that out there and say I’d want to be United manager,” he says. “It would be amazing to be a manager, but I am not in a position to call that. It’s not fair or respectful to be going down that route at this stage.”

Mourinho was the man who handed Carrick a new contract when Louis van Gaal left United; he was the man who gave Carrick all the time and help he could to recover from his heart problem; and he was the man who promoted Carrick to the backroom staff at Old Trafford last summer, so it is easy to see why he only has nice things to say about his boss.

“It’s gold dust having José there to draw on what he’s doing and learn from him,” Carrick says.

Carrick has not been given a ceremonial role. Along with Kieran McKenna he sits alongside Mourinho on the bench. Between them, they have been tasked with filling the considerable void left by Rui Faria, Mourinho’s long-time trusted assistant who left United in the summer.

Carrick’s role is as paternal as it is technical. When Anthony Martial was walking off the pitch in Berne after finishing his warm-up before United’s Champions League match against Young Boys last month, Carrick thrust his arm around the Frenchman and pulled him in close for a motivational pep talk.

“I’m really enjoying it. It’s a role that I never thought at this stage of my coaching career that I would get,” Carrick says. “I’m not there as an intern to try and just learn. I’m there to do a job as well and at the same time try to improve myself.

“It’s kind of about learning what works for certain lads. Do they need an arm around the shoulder or a bit of a dig in the ribs to liven them up? Those are the skills of coaching and managing.”

If anyone is equipped to one day take the reigns at United then it is Carrick. He may have sat in the Gallowgate at St James’ Park as a kid, and admired Liverpool — he even had the ’88 home shirt — but now he is United through and through.

Carrick has the respect of his peers having won 18 trophies during his time at Old Trafford, including five Premier League titles, and, what is more, he is admired by the players and fans.

The honest reality for Carrick is that he does not know if he has what it takes to become a manager. “I’m not blasé enough to think that I’m going to be a manager. The truth is: I don’t know,” Carrick says.



“I’m at that stage now where I’m thinking: ‘Will he make it or will he not?’ Everyone can’t make it. I’ll just have to give it my best shot and see where it takes us.

“I’m not chasing it. I’m in a fantastic position right now. I’m not looking to get out of that position any time soon because I want to do something else.”

Being a student of the game, Carrick also has an eye on the next generation and he concedes that young footballers earn way too much money.

“I think there is a worry that young players get too much too soon now,” he says. “In our day it was once you got to the first team, you got more money, whereas now you get money for having potential, which probably is the biggest difference.

“But then if one club doesn’t pay it, someone else will. That is the nature of the world that we are in. If you want those players at your club then that is what you have got to do.”
 

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Michael Carrick: It seemed nailed on that I’d be an Arsenal player until Cesc Fàbregas had a blinder

After a year in the First Division, I had to get back in the top flight and West Ham needed money. West Brom and Portsmouth came in for me in the summer of 2004 and Iain Dowie tried hard to get me to Crystal Palace. I never spoke to any of them because none of it felt right. Everton were interested and I spoke to David Moyes on the phone, but that just faded away. After a few weeks, Portsmouth came back in again. Portsmouth were a solid Premiership club. Harry Redknapp was there, and so was the chief executive Peter Storrie, who I knew from West Ham. I was well into the pre-season so, with time running out, I agreed to meet Harry.

“I’ll get my head round it, get in the Premiership, have a good year and then see whatever,” I told David Geiss, who I have been with my whole career and is more of a family friend than an “agent”. So, we went to meet Harry and Peter at a hotel near Heathrow on August 6, 2004, a couple of days before the season started with the Community Shield. On the way, David got a call from David Dein that really threw us. Dein was the main man at Arsenal and very close to Arsène Wenger. There was nothing concrete, and we didn’t know the strength of their interest, but still, Arsenal!

It was just a call, sounding us out really, so we carried on, and spoke to Harry and Peter. “Come down to Portsmouth tomorrow,” Harry said. “Have a medical.” That seemed sorted, I was going to Pompey. Then, on the way home, we got another call. Arsenal again, asking us to meet Arsène. As it happened we were driving past his home in north London, so we arranged to call in on the way. Within an hour I was sitting in the front room of Arsène Wenger’s house, pinching myself. Could this really be happening? Arsenal! Could I really be on the verge of signing for the Invincibles who’d just gone through the season unbeaten?

Arsène Wenger was at the peak of his powers at the time, a giant of management, and it felt surreal to be there talking to him in his front room. “Tell me about yourself, Michael,” Wenger said. “What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses?” It all seemed quite formal as if I was undergoing a job interview with the civil service. It was quite a contrast to the relaxed chat I’d just had with Harry. “All right, OK,” I began, and just outlined my strengths. I felt self-conscious talking about them as I’m not into bigging myself up and I didn’t want to come across as arrogant. I understood why he asked me, though, as he wanted to get to know my character.

We talked for almost an hour about football. Wenger had the Community Shield at the weekend but was spending an hour with me, so surely he had to be interested in signing me? “Let’s get Cardiff out the way, and we’ll see you Monday,” Wenger said as we left. Things were moving so fast I needed a few minutes to put it all into perspective. That night, I sat at the bottom of my bed and talked it through with Lisa, just running all the possibilities through my mind. It came from nowhere. My head was spinning. Arsenal were finishing either first or second in the Premiership. Lisa knows I’m not a big talker and tend to keep things to myself and find a way to deal with it. This was different.

This was a decision that affected the path our lives would take. I was overjoyed Arsenal wanted me but very conscious of treating Harry with respect. First thing, I called him. “Look, Harry, I’m not coming down, it doesn’t feel right now, my head’s a bit all over the place. I’m just sorting a few things out. It’s Arsenal. I’m sorry, it’s off.”

I almost felt guilty over how calmly Harry took it. He knew the attraction of Arsenal. Arriving at Chadwell Heath on the Saturday, I was thrilled to hear that Dein and Terry Brown had already spoken about a fee. Wow! I was moving from the First Division to a team in the Champions League. I’d heard [Patrick] Vieira was leaving Arsenal and that opened up a space in midfield, so it seemed nailed on that Monday morning I’d be an Arsenal player. I went out training and it was good because my brother Graeme was there at the time, and Rich [Richard Garcia] threw me a red bib, just messing about. “Red? Very funny!” Rich knew about Arsenal’s interest.

On the Sunday, I settled down at home in Theydon Bois, Epping, to watch Arsenal, my team to be, in the Community Shield against Manchester United. I saw that a kid, Cesc Fàbregas, only 17, started in Vieira’s place. Fàbregas played a blinder but I didn’t think too much about the significance. I sat at home on Sunday night waiting for the call to arrange details of the next day. Arsenal! I couldn’t wait.

But I waited, and waited, and that call never came. The next day, I had to go into training at West Ham instead and, on the way, David phoned to say he’d had a call from Dein. David relayed the gist of his message, like, “I’m sorry, the manager says we don’t need Michael. Fàbregas is coming through like he is. Sorry, the deal’s off.” Fàbregas’s performance changed Wenger’s mind about needing me.

I was totally devastated as I had my heart set on Arsenal and playing with all that talent. My head was gone. Arsenal had swayed me and I didn’t have a clue what I’d do now.

Harry hadn’t given up and I got a call from him later, “I’m on my way up to see you.”

“Harry, please, don’t.”

“I’m in the car.”

“Honestly, Harry, there’s no point you coming up to see us, and I don’t want to mess you around.” Which was true, I didn’t want to be disrespectful, I was just stuck in the middle, but I eventually managed to put Harry off. It just didn’t feel right to go to Portsmouth now.

Out of nowhere, Spurs’s sporting director, Frank Arnesen, called. “We’re bringing in good young British players, and we want you, Michael.” I knew Paul Robinson and Sean Davis had arrived. Spurs were on the up and it was a good time to join. Arsenal’s rivals wanted me! I looked at Spurs’s playing style and thought, ‘This is going to suit me.’ I’d been thrown a lifeline. I rang Lisa and then Mam and Dad, who were on holiday with Lisa’s parents. “Oh, by the way, we’re going to Tottenham!” I told them.