Michael Carrick interview: Barcelona defeat sent me into a two-year depression
Michael Carrick sits down on the sofa, unfolds his arms and finally lets out a secret that he has kept locked up inside him for almost a decade.
When Sir Alex Ferguson, David Beckham, Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville wake up this morning, they will discover for the first time that their friend and former colleague suffered from depression for the best part of two years.
The former United midfielder, one of the most decorated players in the club’s long and proud history, today opens up about his battle with depression, in this interview and in his autobiography
Between the Lines, which is serialised in
The Times this week.
The bouts of depression began nine years ago, when the final whistle sounded in Manchester United’s Champions League final defeat by Barcelona, but only now has Carrick felt able to reveal the full extent of the torment that he felt following that night in Rome.
“It was the biggest low of my career by quite some way and I don’t really know why,” Carrick says, shrugging his shoulders as he speaks. “I thought I’d let myself down in the biggest game of my career. I had won the Champions League the year before, but that was totally irrelevant.
“It felt like I was depressed. I was really down. I imagine that is what depression is.
“I describe it as depression because it wasn’t a one-off thing. I felt bad or terrible after some games, but then you get over it in the next couple of days, but that one I just couldn’t shrug off. It was a strange feeling.”
After that night in the Stadio Olimpico, Carrick went on holiday to Majorca with his wife Lisa and their first child Louise, then only 15 months old, but he barely spoke to them.
Night after night, he would replay the passage of play that led to Barcelona’s first goal, scored by Samuel Eto’o, in which his loose header was pounced on by Andrés.
“I beat myself up over that goal,” Carrick says. “I kept asking myself: ‘why did I do that?’ and then it [the depression] snowballed from there. It was a tough year after that. It lingered for a long time.” Carrick is not asking for sympathy. He knows that there are people out there who are worse off than him. That is why he is donating the profits from his book to the Michael Carrick Foundation, the charity he set up which helps young people in deprived areas get access to training facilities.
The 37-year-old is merely asking for understanding about the psychological demands that are placed on top-level footballers.
“As a footballer you are expected to be that machine that just churns out results after results, performance after performance,” Carrick says. “You are paid well and you play for a big club so why can’t he be good every week? It’s just not like that. It’s not easy to do that and it’s easy to forget that. There could be all sorts going on that you don’t know about.”
So bad was the self doubt that one of the finest passers of his generation, “the conductor of the orchestra” as Ferguson’s former assistant Mike Phelan used to call him, threatened to come home during the World Cup in South Africa eight years ago.
“In 2010, that was the worst time. It was my dream to be at a World Cup but the truth is that I didn’t want to be there,” Carrick says. “I wanted to be at home. I was telling Lisa: ‘I’ve had enough. I want to come home.’
“I wouldn’t have done but that’s how I felt.”
Carrick only began to feel that he had rediscovered his mojo in United’s Champions League quarter-final win over Chelsea in April 2011. For the previous two years, only Carrick’s parents, his brother Graeme and his wife Lisa knew about his struggles.
“I kept it to myself most of the time. Even my family didn’t know the full extent of it,” he says.
“It’s not something that’s really spoken about in football. I have not spoken about it before. For the lads that I have played with that are reading this, this will be the first time that they know [about the depression]. They wouldn’t know. They might say he wasn’t playing well, or he wasn’t himself, but they wouldn’t know the extent to which the problem was. I just tried to keep it to myself and get through it.”
There is something refreshing about hearing one of the game’s most respected figures talk so openly about a topic that is still considered by some to be off limits in the macho world of football.
Honesty is one of the many character traits that has served Carrick well throughout his career. He is an engaging figure, a man who speaks with sincerity and authority during our 30-minute chat at the Malmaison hotel in Manchester.
Our interview takes place a couple of days after United’s Carabao Cup defeat on penalties to Derby County. The back-page headline on the copy of the
Manchester Evening News that sits in the hotel lobby reads: “DISUNITED – it’s Pog against José as rift at Reds deepens”.
Wherever Carrick turns, tales of discord within the camp are prevalent, but José Mourinho’s No 2 will not add fuel to the fire by declaring that he would one day like to take Mourinho’s place in the home dugout at Old Trafford.
“I don’t want to throw that out there and say I’d want to be United manager,” he says. “It would be amazing to be a manager, but I am not in a position to call that. It’s not fair or respectful to be going down that route at this stage.”
Mourinho was the man who handed Carrick a new contract when Louis van Gaal left United; he was the man who gave Carrick all the time and help he could to recover from his heart problem; and he was the man who promoted Carrick to the backroom staff at Old Trafford last summer, so it is easy to see why he only has nice things to say about his boss.
“It’s gold dust having José there to draw on what he’s doing and learn from him,” Carrick says.
Carrick has not been given a ceremonial role. Along with Kieran McKenna he sits alongside Mourinho on the bench. Between them, they have been tasked with filling the considerable void left by Rui Faria, Mourinho’s long-time trusted assistant who left United in the summer.
Carrick’s role is as paternal as it is technical. When Anthony Martial was walking off the pitch in Berne after finishing his warm-up before United’s Champions League match against Young Boys last month, Carrick thrust his arm around the Frenchman and pulled him in close for a motivational pep talk.
“I’m really enjoying it. It’s a role that I never thought at this stage of my coaching career that I would get,” Carrick says. “I’m not there as an intern to try and just learn. I’m there to do a job as well and at the same time try to improve myself.
“It’s kind of about learning what works for certain lads. Do they need an arm around the shoulder or a bit of a dig in the ribs to liven them up? Those are the skills of coaching and managing.”
If anyone is equipped to one day take the reigns at United then it is Carrick. He may have sat in the Gallowgate at St James’ Park as a kid, and admired Liverpool — he even had the ’88 home shirt — but now he is United through and through.
Carrick has the respect of his peers having won 18 trophies during his time at Old Trafford, including five Premier League titles, and, what is more, he is admired by the players and fans.
The honest reality for Carrick is that he does not know if he has what it takes to become a manager. “I’m not blasé enough to think that I’m going to be a manager. The truth is: I don’t know,” Carrick says.
“I’m at that stage now where I’m thinking: ‘Will he make it or will he not?’ Everyone can’t make it. I’ll just have to give it my best shot and see where it takes us.
“I’m not chasing it. I’m in a fantastic position right now. I’m not looking to get out of that position any time soon because I want to do something else.”
Being a student of the game, Carrick also has an eye on the next generation and he concedes that young footballers earn way too much money.
“I think there is a worry that young players get too much too soon now,” he says. “In our day it was once you got to the first team, you got more money, whereas now you get money for having potential, which probably is the biggest difference.
“But then if one club doesn’t pay it, someone else will. That is the nature of the world that we are in. If you want those players at your club then that is what you have got to do.”