Tactics With David Moyes
Location: The Emirates, Away Dressing Room
Time: 19:15pm
Tactics Discussion - Brains Trust: David Moyes, Phil Neville, Fred the Red
David: Right lads, we've been s***e, especially you Adnan and that's why I've dropped you.
Phil: Good thinking boss, let's play Valencia instead.
David: Right you are Phil, but Tony - make sure you hit all your crosses low, hard and into the first man, same as you have been doing for the past two years.
Fred: How about we not play Valencia or Young but play Januzaj AND Mata?
David: That's madness you fool, they're our best attacking players - it's exactly what they'll be expecting. I'm not playing into the hand of that lanky French boffin. Eh, wee Mata lad, you're on the right. But not really - I don't know, just run about a bit.
Phil: Tom Cleverley has been doing well in training boss, he's just like Xavi.
David: Aye Phil...Tom - you're in, I want you to pass sideways and get run off the ball a lot. That'll confuse the Cockneys.
Fred: Tom Cleverley is sh*thouse.
David: Shut up Fred, you've got no footballing brain. TC23 is the future of English football...What's that noise? Eh! Stop crying Robin, listen - Ed Woodward looks like a sickly child, there's no way he'd have the balls to sack me so get used to those crosses or I'll ask Wayne who I should sign to replace you.
Phil: I think that's enough on tactics boss, my head hurts.
David: Mine too Phil, okay lads - get yourselves out there, our reputation isn't going to ruin itself. If you need some inspiration just look to me on the touchline. I'll be there, looking baffled, sad, angry and lost. Alright, let's do this!
Fred: I wonder if there are any Gunnersaurus costumes knocking about round here?
End of Discussion