Gaming The Europa Universalis 4 Experiment II (sign ups for Experiment III open)

Phil Jones Face

Full Member
Joined
Apr 23, 2013
Messages
1,920
Welcome back fellow nerds.

We’re about to begin on an adventure spanning 5 centuries, millions of unnecessary deaths, a dozen or so dick measuring exercises comparing army sizes, the return of several Redcafe rivalries and a couple of Eboue posts. Buckle up. Things are about to get spicy (well, as soon as Salt Bailly explores the East Indies)

wp9152686.jpg

Narrator: a man, possibly European, points at a ship.


The countries have been randomly allocated to our 22 rulers. These are the results:

Aragon - @Simbo
Austria - @Crackers
Bohemia - @hobbers
Brandenburg - @GreatDane
Burgundy - @Eboue
Castille - @nimic
Denmark - @maniak
England - @Shakesey
France - @PSV
Great Horde - @MadDogg
Holland - @SilentWitness
Hungary - @Cheimoon
Mamluks - @P-Nut
Milan - @RedSky
Muscovy - @Dr. Dwayne
Naples - @WI_Red
Ottomans - @altodevil
Poland - @Dan
Portugal - @Salt Bailly
Sweden - @Solius
Tunis - @The Cat
Venice - @Organic Potatoes


This is the state of play in Europe on 11th November 1444. You have to squint to see some of the players. Hopefully they'll get bigger. Or they might die. Eitherway.

cz9oMZ3.jpg

aNZsPHt.jpg



Now, while I’m off to post the country introductions and butcher their histories, sit back and enjoy some classic EU2 soundtracks. @nimic's favourite song was falalalan. Weirdo.


 
Last edited:
ARAGON - @Simbo


130px-Shield_Aragon.png


It is November 1444. King Simbo sits on the throne of Aragon. Aragon has had a meteoric rise on the mediterranean. Having gained independence from Navarre, the Kings of Aragon have assisted in the expulsion of the Moors, added Sardinia, Sicily and the Balearic islands to its territories and more recently secured the homage of Naples via a personal union, which has earnt the enmity of the Duke of Anjou. Where will King Simbo turn his attention next? Further east and beyond the sprawling islands, to the isthmus of Corinth where the Greeks and Byzantines seek refuge from the Ottoman invaders? Or will he glance west, to his blood-brother nimic?

“Nobody tosses a dwarf!”

Aragon begins the game with Naples as a junior partner.






AUSTRIA - @Crackers

130px-Shield_Austria.png


It is November 1444. Emperor Crackers sits upon the throne of Austria. Crackers has been elected by his fellow electors to hold an office of great importance - the Holy Roman Emperor. He is able to exert great influence over the fragmented central European states that form the HRE. The Emperor is sworn to protect the Imperial territorial integrity and maintain adherence to the one true faith - Catholicism. Situated in the heart of Europe, the Emperor must balance imperial ambitions by ensuring the support of the electors, suppress heresy, reign in the rebellious Italians, quell HRE infighting and halt French/Ottoman advances, while still expanding his own personal fiefdom into Bohemia and Hungary, either diplomatically or militarily.

The Emperor carries the world on his shoulders. Although technically the earth is flat, so it’s easier than it sounds.

Austria begins the game with no relations. Although this is a technicality. Because they’re the Emperor and they do what they want.






BOHEMIA - @hobbers

130px-Shield_Bohemia.png


It is November 1444. King hobbers sits on the throne of Bohemia. The Kingdom of Bohemia plays a significant role in the political landscape of central Europe, with rich cultural and religious traditions. It is second only to Austria in terms of military prowess within the HRE and is able to influence Imperial affairs as an elector. Its capital Prague is one of the most highly developed cities in Europe and the kingdom also own the Cheb gold mines. Bohemia is also birthplace of Jan Hus and his proto-Protestant teachings of Hussitism. Considered heretical by the Catholic church, King hobbers has to tread carefully. He can shun his people and their religious practices, or embrace Hus’ teachings and run the risk of excommunication or worse.

“Yeah, I like you. And I'm feeling so Bohemian like you.”

Bohemia begins the game with Opole and Glogow as vassals.





BRANDENBURG - @GreatDane

130px-Shield_Brandenburg.png


It is November 1444. Prince-Elector GreatDane sits upon the throne of Brandenburg. The Prince-Elector holds the unenviable task of expanding his fledgling, swampy backwater of a kingdom into a northern powerhouse. The Prince-Elector must be shrewd and patient, ready to strike when its larger neighbours are vulnerable and distracted. To the north lay the restless Kalmar union of Denmark, Sweden and Norway with its Baltic ambitions. To the south and west are the HRE states, protected by Austria, who will surely attempt to limit its elector rivals' expansion. And to the east? Few can take on the famed Polish winged hussars.

On a scale from “ouch” to “stop, please, I’m begging you, have mercy!”, how bad could it be?

Brandenburg begins the game with no relations.
 
Last edited:
BURGUNDY - @Eboue


130px-Shield_Burgundy.png


It is November 1444. Duke Eboue sits on the throne of Burgundy. Delicately situated between the more powerful kingdoms of France, England and the HRE, the Duchy of Burgundy’s position has long been precarious. Their territories, while wealthy and prosperous, are fragmented and strewn across France/the low countries. The Dukes have had to alternate between a complex series of alliances in order to maintain the balance of power and are not adverse to treachery to further their goals. It was after all, the Burgundians who sold out Jeanne D’Arc to the English. Indeed, Duke Eboue’s father, John the Bold, was assassinated barely 25 years ago while parleying with the current French king. It is alleged that this was revenge for John’s supposed involvement in the assassination of the King’s uncle, the Duke of Orleans. Whatever the truth may be, Burgundys realpolitiks works.

“I’m not quite sure how to put this, but…I’m kind of a big deal…I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”

Burgundy begins the game with Nevers as a vassal and Brabant, Flanders and Holland as junior partners.






CASTILLE - @nimic

130px-Shield_Castile.png


It is November 1444. King nimic sits upon the throne of Castille. The Iberian peninsula is now in the final throes of the Reconquista, having previously been largely under the control of various Caliphates emanating out of north Africa for many centuries. The Christian kingdoms of Castile, Aragon, Portugal and Navarre have worked tirelessly to expel the Moors and retake Iberia. All that remains of the Moorish presence on the peninsula is a toehold in the form of the Emirate of Granada. Once that falls, where will King nimic's gaze turn next? Enviously east to his Aragon kin and their Italian riches? Or what of the west, where whispers from Portugal speak of great landmasses and treasures beyond the seas?

What’s the harm with a little casual inbreeding, anyway? I think the Habsburg jaw has a certain charm..

Castille begins the game with no relations, if you exclude sexual relations with family members. Womp womp.






DENMARK - @maniak

130px-Shield_Denmark.png


It is 1444. King maniak sits upon the throne of the Kalmar Union. The union is an amalgamation of the kingdoms of Norway, Sweden and Denmark, of which the latter is the most powerful and influential of the constituent states. Denmark’s increasing dominance over foreign policy has led to friction within the union. Denmark recently blundered into war with the Hanseatic League by offering unfavourable trading arrangements with the Dutch and imposing tolls on foreign merchants. The war brought hardship to the union, particularly to the trade-dependent Swedes whose ports were blockaded. Defeated, Denmark was forced to cede the Duchy of Schleswig to the League and had to raise taxes, leading to Swedish rebellion and the election of a new king of the union.

Just give me one more chance, baby! I promise, I’m a changed man.

Denmark begins the game with Sweden and Norway as junior partners and Holstein as a vassal.







ENGLAND - @Shakesey

130px-Shield_England.png


It is November 1444. King Shakesey sits upon the throne of England. The Hundred Years War between England and France has raged on-and-off for over a century now. Despite early successes on the continent, the English continental domains have been reduced to Normandy and a strip of Gascony. Tired, war weary and with a populace tired of excessive taxation, the English have been forced to the negotiating table. Months earlier, King Shakesey of England and King PSV of France signed a temporary truce, the Treaty of Tours. In exchange for the peace, King Shakesey has offered to marry a minor French princess and secretly offered to hand the English possession of Maine back to France. The treaty is very advantageous to the French and the relinquishment of Maine will likely prove highly unpopular back home once revealed.

Is it peace in our time?

England begins the game with Portugal as an ally.
 
I must've missed the sign-up on this one! I don't think I'll be able to sleep without getting my own back on Solius and RedSky.

Any space available for revenge driven ALM nation?
 
FRANCE - @PSV

130px-Shield_France.png


It is November 1444. King PSV sits upon the throne of France. The Kingdom of France has been decimated by a century of intrigue and infighting, English chevauchee raids, political assassinations and the abandonment of allies. Repeated defeats at the hands of the Welsh longbow and outmanoeuvring by English diplomatic machinations had brought France to its knees. But the prophetic emergence of a young peasant girl – Jeanne D’Arc – and her inspirational victories on the battlefield turned the tide for the beleaguered kingdom. Sold out by the Burgundians, her martyrdom acted as a rallying call for France. Having now secured the allegiance of a patchwork of French ducal fiefdoms and the tacit support of ally-turned-enemy-turned-ally-again Burgundy, King PSV has signed a temporary, albeit advantageous peace with England to buy time and rebuild its armies.

Do not trust Perfidious Albion!

France begins the game with Provence as an ally, Armagnac, Auvergne, Bourbonnais, Foix and Orleans as vassals and it has guaranteed the independence of Scotland.







GREAT HORDE- @MadDogg

130px-Shield_Great_Horde.png


It is November 1444. Khan MadDogg sits in a simple yurt of the Great Horde. Genghis Khan’s great Mongol Empire, the terror of Europe, disintegrated upon his death 200 years ago. The Empire was divided between 4 of his sons, but without the great Khan to exert his iron will, they have splintered further. The strongest of these tribes, the Great Horde, currently occupies portions of modern day Russia, Ukraine and Kazakhstan. Living the nomadic lifestyle on the steppes, the Horde frequently raids and pillages neighbouring states to extract tribute and deter future attacks. But defeat at the hands of the Timurid’s has weakened the Horde further. Sensing vulnerability, the Muscovites have cast aside the tatar yoke. The Horde will want to teach them a lesson.

“I am the punishment of God”

The Great Horde begin with no relations.







HOLLAND - @SilentWitness

2029-1584368258.jpg

I don’t have a crest of Holland, so here’s a van Gaal


It is November 1444. Count SilentWitness sits on the throne of Holland. Occupying the low countries, Holland is a prosperous and flourishing trade power on the north sea. With a thriving textile industry, fertile farmlands and access to the English channel trade, Holland is primed for development and starts with the most trade ships in the game. Unfortunately however, it is also a subject of Burgundy via an act of personal union. And if history has taught us anything, Burgundy’s frequent warring and turn coating is destabilising. Perhaps the Dutch can use this knowledge to their advantage?

A little parley, perhaps?

Holland begins the game as a junior partner to Burgundy.







HUNGARY - @Cheimoon

130px-Shield_Hungary.png


It is November 1444. Regent Cheimoon sits by the throne of Hungary. Confusion abounds. For days now, a trickle of beleaguered and dishevelled soldiers have streamed into Pest. This isn’t the triumphant return of Christendoms champions that was promised by the Pope. It is only with the return of John Hunyadi, the Hungarian commander and the remnants of the vanguard that the gravity of the situation hits home. King Wladyslaw III of Hungary and Poland has fallen in battle against the Ottomans. Without an heir, Hunyadi knows that the vultures will soon circle. A flurry of diplomatic activity has begun as messengers are dispatched and race across Europe. The Hungarian Diet will seek to appoint a new King, but who?

Who has the appetite to rule Hungary?

Hungary beings the game with Croatia as a junior partner.
 
Last edited:
When did this get arranged? Get me in there immediately please or don’t whatever
 
MAMLUKS - @P-Nut

130px-Shield_Mamluks.png


It is November 1444. Caliph P-Nut sits upon the throne of the Mamluk Sultanate. Slavery is sewn into the fabric of the Sultanate. Indeed, the original Mamluks were slave-soldiers in the service of the Ayyubid Empire and served as their elite forces. The Ayyubids relied heavily on the Mamluks to maintain their powerbase, until they were themselves supplanted. Weakened by crusading armies and mongol raids, the Mamluk slave-soldiers overthrew their masters and established the Sultanate in Egypt. Now Caliph P-Nut is the master of his own destiny. Luxury goods from India and Persia flow through Alexandria and onto Europe, making the Sultanate incredibly wealthy. To the east, the threat of the Timurid’s looks to have dissipated with the death of the Shah and resulting civil war. With one eye on his burgeoning silk purse, Caliph P-Nut must keep a cautious eye on the Ottoman juggernaut to the north.

“From the heights of the Pyramids, forty centuries look down on us!”

The Mamluks begin the game with Fadl and Hejaz as vassals and guarantees the independence of Cyprus and Medina.







MILAN - @RedSky

130px-Shield_Milan.png


It is November 1444. Duke RedSky sits on the throne of Milan. The young Duchy is not even 50 years old, yet it is ideally situated in the north of Italy. If Duke RedSky is able to exploit the ample fertile lands available for development, the Duchy could become a strong regional power. To the south (Genoa) and to the east (Venice) lay the two wealthiest trade ports in the world. Running along the Duchy’s borders are the alps, which provide a formidable defensive barrier and mountain ranges to deter any invader. If bold, Duke RedSky can become very rich, very quickly. But a smart Duke is required to fend off French and Austrian intrigue.

Who dares defy the Emperor?

Milan begins the game with no relations.







MUSCOVY - @Dr. Dwayne

130px-Shield_Muscovy.png


It is November 1444. Grand Prince Dr. Dwayne sits upon the throne of Muscovy. The civilised western Europeans might be forgiven to have forgotten and pay little attention to the backward Grand Duchy on the far reaches of Europe. But the Grand Prince Dr. Dwayne and his people haven’t forgotten the price they’ve paid, fending off the barbarians hordes from the nomadic plains. The Muscovites have suffered greatly at the hands of the Great Horde, the successor to Genghis Khan and his mongol raiders. Only the defeat of the Horde at the hands of the Timurids has allowed the Muscovites to cast off their shackles of servitude and to refuse to pay their regular tribute. With the Horde severely weakened, the fledgling duchy can look north to the lands of their rival Novgorod and south west to Lithuania to expand.

Who launches invasions of Russia in winter, anyway?

Muscovy begins the game with Pskov, Yaroslavl, Perm, Beloozero and Rostov as vassals.







NAPLES - @WI_Red

130px-Shield_Naples.png


It is November 1444. King WI_Red sits on the throne of Naples. Naples has a rich history, falling under Greek, Norman and Byzantine rule at various times. Currently it’s tied to the Kingdom of Aragon through a personal union and is subservient to the Spanish power. Contested for a number of centuries by the Kingdom of Aragon and the Duchy of Anjou, Naples has only recently fallen into Spanish hands. However the Neapolitan people are restless and tire of their affairs being managed by one foreign ruler to the next. King Simbo of Aragon is old and he has not long left in this world. Will Simbo's death result in another changing of the guard for Naples?

“God knows, god knows I want to break free!”

Naples begins the game as a junior partner to Aragon.
 
OTTOMANS - @altodevil

130px-Shield_Ottomans.png


It is November 1444. Sultan altodevil sits upon the throne of the Ottoman Empire. Mere days ago, Sultan altodevil and the Ottomans were victorious over the Christian crusaders at the Battle of Varna, destroying the combined Polish/Hungarian/Lithuanian/Bohemian/Croatian/Serbian/Teutonic/Bosnian/Papal/Burgundian/Wallachian/Venetian army. Now the fate of the Balkans lies in the balance as the Ottomans horde threatens to cast its shadow over the independent princedoms. Rome’s successor, the Byzantine Empire, has been supplanted. Chipped away at over centuries and having lost the vast majority of its territories to the Anatolian beyliks, the Byzantines find themselves surrounded on all sides by the Ottomans and now only cling onto the great city of Constantinople and some Greek exclaves. Soon the Sultan will rise in the saddle again, the great bombards will be limbered, the janissaries will assemble and the Ottoman battle drum will beat on.

Who will stop the Ottoman hordes?

The Ottomans begin the game guaranteeing the independence of Ragusa.






POLAND - @Dan

130px-Shield_Poland.png


It is November 1444. Regent Dan stands by the throne of Poland. Mere days ago, disaster struck Christendom and the kingdom of Poland. Leading the combined Christian armies at the Battle of Varna against the Ottomans, King Wladyslaw III of Poland and Hungary ignored the advice of his ally and esteemed commander John Hunyadi who advised caution. Having spotted the Sultan's tent in the distance as the battle raged on all around them, King Wladyslaw III seized the reigns of his steed, thrust his sword in the air and led a rash 500 strong cavalry charge towards the Sultan's camp. It was in vain. The king was cut down by the Sultan’s retinue and his head hacked off. Without their king the allied army panicked and attempted to flee but were cut down by the Ottoman shrieking sipahis. Without an heir, Poland is paralysed.

Who will step forth and lead Poland in their hour of need?

Poland begins the game with Mazovia as a vassal and guarantees the independence of Moldavia.








PORTUGAL - @Salt Bailly

130px-Shield_Portugal.png


It is 1444. King Salt Bailly sits on the throne of Portugal. With the removal of the Moorish presence on Iberia almost complete, King Salt Bailly can now turn his attention elsewhere. Portugal is one of the leading maritime nations in Europe, possessing an impressive merchant fleet and starts with the 2nd most heavy ships in the game. The advent of the caravel and enthusiastic state sponsorship of exploration has given the Portuguese a head start in the search for quicker overseas trade routes to India and its riches. The recent capture of Cueta from the Sultanate of Morocco has given Portugal an important outpost in north Africa and extensive mapping of the West coast of Africa has begun.

“A whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew…”

Portugal begins the game with England as an ally.









SWEDEN - @Solius

130px-Shield_Sweden.png


It is November 1444. King Solius sits upon the throne of Sweden. Over the preceding centuries, the Hanseatic League (a defensive confederation of north German states) has rapidly expanded and dominated the North sea and Baltic sea trade routes. Feeling threatened by this, the previously independent Norwegian, Swedish and Danish kingdoms united under one crown to form the Kalmar Union as a counter balance. More recently however, there has been growing Swedish resentment over costly excursions into northern Germany, Danish dominance and the curtailing of Swedish exports to the continent. This led to the Engelbrekt rebellion and the election of a new king to head the Kalmar union. Despite this concession, the Swedish nobility and peasantry are still restless and discontent with its junior status which falls on deaf Danish ears.

Is it time for Swexit?

Sweden begins the game as a junior partner to Denmark.
 
TUNIS - @The Cat

Hannibal_Lecter_in_Silence_of_the_Lambs.jpg

I also couldn’t find a crest for Tunis, so here’s a picture of their great ancestor and legendary general

It is 1444. Sultan The Cat sits on the throne of Tunis. The Sultanate of Tunis has a rich history harking back to the times of Carthage which was one of the most influential city states of the classical period. Hannibal Barca the great Carthaginian general and his army of elephants crossed the alps and brought Rome to the brink of collapse, before his defeat at Zama. Punitive campaigns by Rome and the razing of Carthage and enslavement of its people led to the collapse of Tunisian society, from which it has never recovered. Despite this, Tunis has opportunities to make its mark once again. To the west, the Sultan eyes the weakened Moroccan sultanate and its conflicts with Christendom. To the south lay the mysterious African interior, ripe for expansion. And to the east, the Mamluk slavers with their rich trade seem distracted by the Ottomans.

“I will either find a way or make one.”

Tunis begins the game guaranteeing the independence of Fezzan.







VENICE - @Organic Potatoes

130px-Shield_Venice.png


It is 1444. Serene Doge Organic Potatoes sits on the throne of Venice. Blessed be the Most Serene Republic of Venice! From humble beginnings to becoming an important regional power, the Levantine riches flow through Venice’s ports and into Doge’s Organic Potatoes coffers. For centuries the Republic has played a crucial role in moulding the Mediterranean and has extended its territory down the Adriatic and into the Aegean sea, acquiring trade monopolies and exerting influence. The Republic’s situation is however precarious. Despite possessing one of the finest fleets in the Mediterranean, the threat of the rising Ottoman Empire looms large. It has gained the ire of the Ottomans for bankrolling and transporting crusader armies to fight the heathens. The Doge will need to secure the support of larger powers and incentivise them financially if they hope to hold onto their territories.

Does fate fall on the flip of a coin for the Doge?

Venice begins the game with Naxos as a vassal and guarantees the independence of Albania and the Knights Hospitaller of Rhodes.
 
Okay, that's the foreplay over and done with and the players introduced. Hopefully will start the game proper tomorrow.

I'm shagged.
 
NAPLES - @WI_Red

130px-Shield_Naples.png




“God knows, god knows I want to break free!”

Naples begins the game as a junior partner to Aragon.
[/QUOTE]

@PSV, I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a support independence today.

I’m gonna break that shit the first moment I get and feck up the Pope.
 
Yeah nice work Phil. Shame I missed the 1 hour sign up window

200w.gif
 
And we've begun


DECEMBER 1444

Emperor @Crackers swings his dick.

cvSq1pI.png


@Crackers has written to all the Italian princes, imploring them to respect his authority.
Proclamation from the Holy Roman Emperor

To the Italians and all inhabitants of the Italian Peninsula,

We, Crackers, by the grace of God, Holy Roman Emperor and Defender of the Faith, do hereby issue this proclamation to the people of Italy. It is with deep concern and resolve that we address you today.

The Italian Peninsula, with its rich history and vibrant culture, has long been a land of great importance within the Holy Roman Empire. It has been a center of art, scholarship, and commerce, contributing to the flourishing of our shared European civilization. However, in recent times, we have observed a disturbing trend of disunity and discord within these lands.

It is our solemn duty as the Holy Roman Emperor to ensure the well-being and prosperity of all our subjects. It is our sacred responsibility to uphold the principles of unity, peace, and order throughout the Empire. To this end, we hereby demand the immediate submission of the Italians and a return to the righteous path of Imperial authority.

We call upon the Italian states, both large and small, to put aside their internal strife and rivalries. Embrace the vision of a unified Italy under the umbrella of the Holy Roman Empire, for it is through unity that strength is achieved. Set aside your differences, your feuds, and your ambitions for the greater good of the Empire and its people.

Let it be known that failure to comply with this proclamation shall be met with consequences. We, the Holy Roman Emperor, possess the authority and the means to restore order and stability by any means necessary. However, we extend our hand in a gesture of benevolence and offer a chance for peaceful resolution. Submit to Imperial authority, and the Holy Roman Empire shall guarantee your protection, rights, and privileges.

Furthermore, we remind the Italian states of the immense benefits that come with unity. Joining the Holy Roman Empire will open the doors to increased trade, cultural exchange, and cooperation. Your contributions to the Empire's tapestry will be acknowledged and celebrated, fostering an era of prosperity and mutual respect.

Therefore, we implore the Italians to heed this proclamation. Embrace the call for unity and submit to the authority of the Holy Roman Empire. Let us forge a future together, united under the banner of the Empire, where peace, stability, and shared prosperity reign supreme.

God bless the Holy Roman Empire, and may wisdom guide your decisions.

Crackers
Holy Roman Emperor
Click to expand...

to which @RedSky, Duke of Milan replied.


December 25, 1444

To the the Holy Roman Emperor,

N U T S !

The Duke of Milan
Click to expand...

The Emperor has to either ally, maintain high relations with or beat the countries below or the Italian states will permanently leave the HRE.

xC53uwp.jpg


In other news:
@Salt Bailly has allied @nimic and @nimic set @Simbo as his rival
@GreatDane has allied @maniak
@PSV has allied Scotland, encircling @Shakesey, who in return responded by immediately allying @nimic and banning @PSV's merchants
@MadDogg made Ryazan (on the border with @Dr. Dwayne) a tributory state
@Crackers has allied @Cheimoon
@Shakesey, Scotland and Lithuania are supporting the independence of @Solius from @maniak
@Crackers put further pressure on the Italian states by allying the Pope
@The Cat allied his muslim brothers Morocco and Granada
@hobbers stuck his nose up at @Crackers and allied Florence
@Simbo has allied Navarra
@altodevil has begun banning @P-Nut's traders from entering his country
 
maniak is taking territory from Solius, who is focused on capturing the strait. maniak's army is slightly larger than Solius', however Solius has a far superior general (1 fire, 4 shock, 4 movement, 1 siege vs 1/1/3/1)

Okay, I think Solius' pleas for help have finally reached snakey Shakesey's ears. He's sent the Engish expeditionary force into Sweden. Shakesey has gone for Stockholm.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.