Any chance I have a ruler who doesn't have the stats of a golden retriever yet?
Gaming The Europa Universalis 4 Experiment III
- Thread starter Phil Jones Face
- Start date
Nice. Finally some visible expansion!
You had 2 billion in the CM game and you did feck all with it.
We're going to absolutely rip someone to pieces if we get into a war. All that land over in 'Merica.
Don't dare insult Catsky
Don't dare insult Catsky
1544 - 100 year update
1544 - 100 year update
I was going to start adding vassals as a 50% value for this update onwards, but Skanderbeg isn't picking all of the vassals up for this attempt, so I can't add them. Not that I'm complaining.. it makes my life easier. I'll try again next update.
Just consider the colonial nations marginally stronger in dev, military, etc than shown below.
Development (value of provinces):
Land army size:
Navy size:
Total income:
Mana generated (i.e, how lucky you've been with your monarch spawn stats or events and how much you've spent improving your country):
Ideas chosen (provide important buffs, generated by mana):
21: harms, maniak, MadDogg, PSV, Stobzilla, Andycoleno9, WIthnail
20: The Cat-RedSky, AnotherLondonManc, Dr. Dwayne,
19: nimic
18: P-Nut, WI_Red
17: hobbers
13: Organic Potatoes
Army casualties (in combat + attrition)
Navy casualties:
Dead players:
Religious map :
Tech map (the greener you are, the more tech you've embraced and the bigger advantages you have over your neighbours):
The state of the HRE. It has passed 4 reforms:
The dynastic map:
I was going to start adding vassals as a 50% value for this update onwards, but Skanderbeg isn't picking all of the vassals up for this attempt, so I can't add them. Not that I'm complaining.. it makes my life easier. I'll try again next update.
Just consider the colonial nations marginally stronger in dev, military, etc than shown below.
Development (value of provinces):
- Withnail: 1 471 (unchanged)
- The Cat-RedSky: 987 (new entry)
- Organic Potatoes: 867 (-1)
- P-Nut: 736 (+3)
- MadDogg: 676 (+1)
- maniak: 639 (-3)
- Andycoleno9: 431 (new entry)
- WI_Red: 425 (-4)
- Dr. Dwayne: 360 (new entry)
- harms: 356 (new entry)
Land army size:
- Withnail: 159,000 (unchanged)
- The Cat-Redsky: 85 ,000 (new entry)
- MadDogg: 68,000 (+5)
- P-Nut: 68,000 (-1)
- Organic Potatoes: 65,000 (-1)
- maniak: 63,000 (-4)
- Dr. Dwayne: 60,000 (-2)
- harms: 47,000 (new entry)
- Andycoleno9: 36,000 (new entry)
- WI_Red: 33,000 (-3)
Navy size:
- The Cat-RedSky: 109 (new entry)
- Withnail: 85 (-1)
- MadDogg: 64 (+2)
- harms: 56 (+6)
- Andycoleno9: 54 (+3)
- maniak: 43 (+3)
- Organic Potatoes: 38 (unchanged)
- WI_Red: 25 (-6)
- AnotherLondonManc: 23 (-5)
- P-Nut: 20 (new entry)
Total income:
- Withnail: 164 (unchanged)
- The Cat-RedSky: 118 (new entry)
- MadDogg: 95 (+3)
- P-Nut: 86 (unchanged)
- maniak: 70 (-3)
- Organic Potatoes: 63 (-3)
- harms: 59 (new entry)
- Andycoleno9: 53 (new entry)
- AnotherLondonManc: 48 (-1)
- Dr. Dwayne: 40 (-1)
Mana generated (i.e, how lucky you've been with your monarch spawn stats or events and how much you've spent improving your country):
- Withnail: 36013 (unchanged)
- Andycoleno9: 33341 (+4)
- MadDogg: 33331 (new entry)
- The Cat-RedSky: 32665 (new entry)
- AnotherLondonManc: 32395 (-3)
- maniak: 32027 (-1)
- Dr. Dwayne: 30842 (+1)
- P-Nut: 30583 (+2)
- harms: 28638 (new entry)
- PSV: 28484 (-1)
Ideas chosen (provide important buffs, generated by mana):
21: harms, maniak, MadDogg, PSV, Stobzilla, Andycoleno9, WIthnail
20: The Cat-RedSky, AnotherLondonManc, Dr. Dwayne,
19: nimic
18: P-Nut, WI_Red
17: hobbers
13: Organic Potatoes
Army casualties (in combat + attrition)
- Withnail: 874 498 (unchanged)
- Organic Potatoes: 445 303 (unchanged)
- P-Nut: 444 083 (+4)
- WI_Red: 412 137 (-1)
- The Cat-RedSky: 395 129 (new entry)
- MadDogg: 349 557 (-2)
- Dr. Dwayne: 210 705 (new entry)
- AnotherLondonManc: 204 892 (-2)
- Andycoleno9: 182 909 (unchanged)
- harms: 147 286 (new entry)
Navy casualties:
- Withnail: 49 (unchanged)
- WI_Red: 43 (+7)
- AnotherLondonManc: 38 (+1)
- nimic: 22 (new entry)
- The Cat-RedSky: 21 (new entry)
- harms: 15 (-1)
- Andycoleno9: 14 (-1)
- Organic Potatoes: 11 (-1)
- maniak: 9 (-1)
- MadDogg: 8 (-1)
Dead players:
- KirkDuyt (partioned by Andycoleno9 and Organic Potatoes)
- SilentWitness (gobbled up by AnotherLondonManc, who is basically now Milan having lost the majority of his Venetian provinces, except he's torquoise)
- Shakesy (beaten down by maniak, partioned by Dr. Dwayne, P-Nut and Withnail. Hated by everybody except for Mantua, who outlived him with their one province)
Religious map :
Tech map (the greener you are, the more tech you've embraced and the bigger advantages you have over your neighbours):
The state of the HRE. It has passed 4 reforms:
The dynastic map:
Last edited:
4/3/3.
If you had any roads I think they'd name them after him and his impressive above average intelligence. But the Turks have kicked you into the Sahara
Reformation going badly i see.
Hallelujah Brother!
Bit concerned I'm sandwiched between @Organic Potatoes & @Withnail especially as they seem the 2 biggest powers in Europe.
Have you considered a personal union with the HRE?
I'm all or nothing, either I beat one of those 2 back and take over them, or I go out in a blaze of glory.Have you considered a personal union with the HRE?
Lovely stuff
P.S. apparently there's an entire facebook group named Portuguese Colonial Empire Memes
P.S. apparently there's an entire facebook group named Portuguese Colonial Empire Memes
Damn @Withnail, back at it again with the white vans genocide of Christendom in Europe
The Ottomans start another war vs The Commonwealth with 120k troops to the Commonwealths 68k.
The Padishah was much better prepared for the Poles in this war than the last. In the first major engagement he stack wiped 20,000 P-Nut troops. The Turks won every major engagement and unlike their historic 9 year dragged out war, they quickly folded this time. The Commonwealth lost 156k in battle and 12k to attrition, while the Ottomans only lost 80k in battle and 50k to attrition. Ouchies!
The lack of Polish forts on the Lithuanian front really seems to have hurt them. They had 4 forts bordering the Russians, but with the loss of Moldavia, only 1 fort on the Ottoman front.
@P-Nut really is starting to take the shape of a peanut now.
Back over in the HRE, Emperor @Dr. Dwayne has begun dick swinging. As the HRE has passed the necessary reforms and becausae @Andycoleno9 holds Holstein, a province that historically has been a part of the HRE but is now owned by Denmmark, who isn't a part of the HRE, the Emperor is able to declare a "Imperial Ban" casus belli on him. Austria called their sneaky ally @Organic Potatoes into the war too and his PU's @PSV and @Stobzilla. Was it a slight over reaction? Possibly. Did the Emperor care? Not in the slightest.
Just to put into perspective. Even the Pope sent a 26k stack to punish the leading Protestant prince.
The only thing that went Denmarks way was the naval action, where it trounced the Russian fleet.
The Russians swarmed through Finland and sieged down the Danish territory, while the Emperor and his children attacked the actual war goal, Holstein. After 5 years, the Danes surrendered. They lost a few European provinces and some of their Canadian provinces.
I was going to put this prelude to the next action at the bottom of the post, but it seems to have had a major consequences for poor @hobbers. hobbers ended up at war with MadDogg. It was a bit confusing at first. It appeared that hobbers was allied to East Frisia, while MadDogg was allied to Friesland. Anyhow, Friesland didn't like East Frisia one bit, so it attacked them, bringing in their respective allies to the conflict. On the positive side, hobbers had a 6/3/1/3 general, which is insanely strong. Sadly for hobbers, he only had 7k troops and the British landed in Berlin with 38k and destroyed him. The war ended with East Frisia being absorbed. hobbers lost no land. All's well I thought.
Then a month later Stettin declared war on him Brandenburg. When hobbers only had 3k troops remaining. And they fecked him up good. The Elector has been reduced to three provinces.
Lucky for him though, Emperor Dr. Dwayne has his back and demanded they return Celle and Dramburg to hobbers. So he's back up to 5 provinces. From the tiny acorn grows..
The Ottomans start another war vs The Commonwealth with 120k troops to the Commonwealths 68k.
The Padishah was much better prepared for the Poles in this war than the last. In the first major engagement he stack wiped 20,000 P-Nut troops. The Turks won every major engagement and unlike their historic 9 year dragged out war, they quickly folded this time. The Commonwealth lost 156k in battle and 12k to attrition, while the Ottomans only lost 80k in battle and 50k to attrition. Ouchies!
The lack of Polish forts on the Lithuanian front really seems to have hurt them. They had 4 forts bordering the Russians, but with the loss of Moldavia, only 1 fort on the Ottoman front.
@P-Nut really is starting to take the shape of a peanut now.
Back over in the HRE, Emperor @Dr. Dwayne has begun dick swinging. As the HRE has passed the necessary reforms and becausae @Andycoleno9 holds Holstein, a province that historically has been a part of the HRE but is now owned by Denmmark, who isn't a part of the HRE, the Emperor is able to declare a "Imperial Ban" casus belli on him. Austria called their sneaky ally @Organic Potatoes into the war too and his PU's @PSV and @Stobzilla. Was it a slight over reaction? Possibly. Did the Emperor care? Not in the slightest.
Just to put into perspective. Even the Pope sent a 26k stack to punish the leading Protestant prince.
The only thing that went Denmarks way was the naval action, where it trounced the Russian fleet.
The Russians swarmed through Finland and sieged down the Danish territory, while the Emperor and his children attacked the actual war goal, Holstein. After 5 years, the Danes surrendered. They lost a few European provinces and some of their Canadian provinces.
I was going to put this prelude to the next action at the bottom of the post, but it seems to have had a major consequences for poor @hobbers. hobbers ended up at war with MadDogg. It was a bit confusing at first. It appeared that hobbers was allied to East Frisia, while MadDogg was allied to Friesland. Anyhow, Friesland didn't like East Frisia one bit, so it attacked them, bringing in their respective allies to the conflict. On the positive side, hobbers had a 6/3/1/3 general, which is insanely strong. Sadly for hobbers, he only had 7k troops and the British landed in Berlin with 38k and destroyed him. The war ended with East Frisia being absorbed. hobbers lost no land. All's well I thought.
Then a month later Stettin declared war on him Brandenburg. When hobbers only had 3k troops remaining. And they fecked him up good. The Elector has been reduced to three provinces.
Lucky for him though, Emperor Dr. Dwayne has his back and demanded they return Celle and Dramburg to hobbers. So he's back up to 5 provinces. From the tiny acorn grows..
- WI_Red annexed Hadramut
- The Cat-RedSky lost their colonial Florida province vs the Creek, then declared a war of reconquest and gained much Creek land. They lost direct land access to their California colonies via Mexico, losing to Hasinai
- Andycoleno9 made gains vs Cree in America. His colony, New Andycoleno9, declared war on The Cat-RedSky's Florida colony. The Spaniards will defend their colony. Denmark isn't helping theirs. I wonder how this is going to go..
My ruler is complete idiot. All Europe is Catholic but nooooooooooo, he goes with heresy. What a plonker.
Can someone just hurry up and squelch these 5 useless little backwater provinces.
Lead the revolution brother
His colony, New Andycoleno9, declared war on The Cat-RedSky's Florida colony. The Spaniards will defend their colony.
I see that idiotic genes are in my colony too.
I see that idiotic genes are in my colony too.
Oh boy.
It is the climatic clash we've all been waiting for. The Emperor vs the Padishah.
The Ottomans declared war on the Pope wanting Istria. The Pope called upon his ally @Dr. Dwayne. Would he stand by his ally or retreat from the Ottoman horde? The Emperor called a war council.
@PSV walked forward. "If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword!"
@Stobzilla stood up. " And you have my bow!
@Shakesy boomed. " And my axe!"
Everybody turned around and stared at Shakesy.
As the Ottomans were attacking Austria indirectly, the Emperor wasn't able to bring the full force of the HRE to bear and could only call upon his personal subjects, Stobzilla and PSV.
The Turks were their typical cocky selves, over extending and being routed in the first major battle outside Vienna.
In the second battle, they took no such risks. The Emperor was sent packing. As was Stobzilla. The allies were suffering from a lack of co-ordination. The Pope and PSV went to campaign in Greece, while Stobzilla and Dr. Dwayne fought in Croatia. They needed to change strategy and fast.
The allies went on the defensive. Withnail had the numbers, but like @P-Nut found in Poland, if they fought the Turks with equal numbers they could win convincingly. And convincingly, they started to win.
The allies grinded the Ottomans down. Battle after battle, they smashed into the janissaries and sent them packing. It was like liquid football. It was beautiful. There are far too many battles to show, but boy, did those Turkish boys take one hell of a beating!
Withnail tapped out with -75% warscore, Constantinople sieged down and only 63k troops (no reserves) left in the field. Comparatively, the allies had ample reinforcements to keep the war going.
The allies lost 332k in battle and 111k to attrition. The Ottomans lost 382k dead and 33k to attrition.
EUROPE WAS SAVED!
Over in north America, the colonial wars were getting especially messy for @The Cat - @RedSky. @Andycoleno9's colony had distracted the Spanish colonists and now the natives were declaring wars of reconquest en mass against them - 7 wars at once.
I may have questioned Denmark's colonists in the last update, but I've ended up with pie on my face. Spanish florida surrendered to the Danes bold manoeuver, the natives won half of their wars and Florida bankrupt itself 3 times in the space of as many years. Colonial Spain is in tatters.
You flew too close to the sun, brothers!
While the Austro-Ottoman war was ongoing, Lubeck declared war on @hobbers. And they called in their ally P-Nut. hobbers ended up ceding back the two provinces he lost in the previous war that the Emperor had demanded be returned to him. He can't win either way.
Then Saxony declared war on him. And he lost another 2 provinces and was only left with Berlin. He must feel like Hitler in his bunker at this stage.
The Emperor took time out of his war to wave his finger at Saxony and they ashamedly returned Brandenburg back to hobbers. So he's back up to two provinces. The Emperor won't quit on him, even if he wants to.
In other news:
- Dr. Dwayne diplomatically annexed Landshut
- Emperor Dr. Dwayne died in the middle of the Ottoman war. He was replaced by himself, who is even more popular.
- harms is going ham in south America
- Andycole09 and maniak made gains in Canada
- The rebellious German states sent ducats to the Ottomans, while P-Nut sent money to Dr. Dwayne.
Gonna have to do something about those rebellious German Princes.
Yay! Withnail was getting too cocky.
Was this the bloodiest war so far? 700k dead seems crazy.
Was this the bloodiest war so far? 700k dead seems crazy.
Absolutely brutal. And it was all going so well...
I seem to have 3 provinces that aren't joined onto the main body of the country. It'd be quite nice if we could make that ability neater.
Next screenshot. P-Nut cede #name of those provinces# to....
No doubt about it, and it'll be the OP or Withnail without a doubt
@AnotherLondonManc, who has a reasonably decent army size of 37k for such a reduced landmass, declared war on the newly released Ragusa. It was a ballsy play for two reasons - one, it's entirely surrounded by the Ottomans and a wealthy node that they want and two, the Papal states, their mortal enemy who are allied to Austria, was guaranteeing its independence. In any case, the Pope decided to abandon Ragusa to the Venetians. AnotherLondonManc retook his exclave.. but for how long?
Amusingly, AnotherLondonManc succumbed to rebels a few years later. He had sent his entire 37k stack to defend Ragusa against possible Ottoman threats, and neglected to defend his landlocked provinces in Milan. Without a port, he wasn't able to transport his army back and the rebels sieged down his country and overthrew his ruler. He took a stability hit for this.
Now it is time to say goodbye to another player. @Stobzilla, was diplomatically integrated by Emperor Dr. Dwayne into the Austrian empire. We never got to see the Hussite's in Bohemia, but lookng at how the Protestant shitshow is fairing, I'm not sure they would have done any better. The extra lands have given @Dr. Dwayne a huge boost.
And a mere 3 years after the loss of Bohemia, we lost another player in a similar fashion. @nimic and the Kingdom of Naples was absorbed by @maniak into France. Back into the shadows you go..
@Withnail spent 12 years after his defeat to the Emperor licking his wounds, quietly rebuilding his armies, like Sauron in Mordor. Usually he would have declared 2-3 wars during that time, so it's a testament to how badly the allies had rocked him. But peace could not last forever. The Ottomans turned their gaze southward again to @WI_Red. 143k Ottomans faced off against 31k Mamluks. I say faced off tentatively, because the Mamluks did a lot of running.
Withnail raced against time to complete the Collapse of the Mamluk Sultante event.
WI_Red employed hit and run tactics. Minus the hitting. He just ran basically and tried frustrate the Turks into chasing him up and down the Suez. Sadly for WI_Red, after 6 years of kiss-chase, the Ottomans succeeded and forced him to become one of their vassals. The Ottomans lost 80,000 to battle and 166,000 to attrition chasing him through the Sahara. WI_Red lost 91k in battle and 10k to attrition. The ex-slaves were enslaved again. Sauron has turned the White Wizard in the MiddleEarth East
@Organic Potatoes declared a holy war on Oirat and took a lot of land. Useless, uninhabitable, frozen land, but land none the less.
Dr. Dwayne declared war on Saxony with an Imperial ban CB and gave @hobbers 2 provinces in the peace deal. As hard as hobbers tries tap out, the Emperor reels him back in
In other news:
Amusingly, AnotherLondonManc succumbed to rebels a few years later. He had sent his entire 37k stack to defend Ragusa against possible Ottoman threats, and neglected to defend his landlocked provinces in Milan. Without a port, he wasn't able to transport his army back and the rebels sieged down his country and overthrew his ruler. He took a stability hit for this.
Now it is time to say goodbye to another player. @Stobzilla, was diplomatically integrated by Emperor Dr. Dwayne into the Austrian empire. We never got to see the Hussite's in Bohemia, but lookng at how the Protestant shitshow is fairing, I'm not sure they would have done any better. The extra lands have given @Dr. Dwayne a huge boost.
And a mere 3 years after the loss of Bohemia, we lost another player in a similar fashion. @nimic and the Kingdom of Naples was absorbed by @maniak into France. Back into the shadows you go..
@Withnail spent 12 years after his defeat to the Emperor licking his wounds, quietly rebuilding his armies, like Sauron in Mordor. Usually he would have declared 2-3 wars during that time, so it's a testament to how badly the allies had rocked him. But peace could not last forever. The Ottomans turned their gaze southward again to @WI_Red. 143k Ottomans faced off against 31k Mamluks. I say faced off tentatively, because the Mamluks did a lot of running.
Withnail raced against time to complete the Collapse of the Mamluk Sultante event.
WI_Red employed hit and run tactics. Minus the hitting. He just ran basically and tried frustrate the Turks into chasing him up and down the Suez. Sadly for WI_Red, after 6 years of kiss-chase, the Ottomans succeeded and forced him to become one of their vassals. The Ottomans lost 80,000 to battle and 166,000 to attrition chasing him through the Sahara. WI_Red lost 91k in battle and 10k to attrition. The ex-slaves were enslaved again. Sauron has turned the White Wizard in the Middle
@Organic Potatoes declared a holy war on Oirat and took a lot of land. Useless, uninhabitable, frozen land, but land none the less.
Dr. Dwayne declared war on Saxony with an Imperial ban CB and gave @hobbers 2 provinces in the peace deal. As hard as hobbers tries tap out, the Emperor reels him back in
In other news:
- The Cat-RedSky regained their land access to the gulf of Mexico, but New Spain has repeatedly gone bankrupt and their colonies keep getting declared on by tribes. They are the Shakesy of north America. It's a relentless cycle of aggressive expansion and aggressive losses. A complete and utter shit show.
- maniac and Andycoleno9 declared war on Huron simultanteously. It's a race to the interior in north America
- harms is speedrunning Peru and allied Ethiopia to curb WI_Red's expansion south. He started colonising south Africa and attacked Kilwa
- Emperor Dr. Dwayne died. He was replaced by Dr. Dwayne, who is slightly less popular than his predecessor.
- MadDogg has finally colonised more provinces, this time the Cocos islands and Mauritus. It looks like he's heading towards the far east. Sadly for him, The Cat-RedSky are already there and colonising Australia
- maniak is the Pope and he's calling for crusades against the natives attacking Spanish colonies
- AnotherLondonManc annexed Shakesy's former loyal ally Mantua
- The Papal States are expanding nicely. I wonder if a Kingdom of God is on the cards..
- Organic Potatoes declared war on Iceland. I don't know why. But he just did. Curiously, he has 7 levels of exploration ideas. A late grab for north America on the cards?
Too slow @MadDogg we've already got a dozen prisons built in Australia.
Don't worry @nimic I'll find you a nice place to end your days somewhere in the southern coast.
He needs to colonize Nauru for when Australians will want to outsource their outsourced prisons.
At least I made the top stats lists. Not every man gets to say they were 4th in navy casualties.
Life goals.
As an Aussie playing as England, I thought it was in the stars that I'd colonise it. Was hoping you guys would focus on the Americas so I could get Aus and the Spice Islands. Hopefully I can still get a foothold there.
On another matter, RedSky, @The Cat, @harms - how about we deal with the dirty French and divvy up their lands? But be quiet, don't want @maniak knowing anything about it.
I'm pretty sure I last quite a bit longer in the last experiment as Naples, just chilling and making pizza. Stupid Ottomans.
Perhaps... to be fair at the moment I'm pretty comfortable with him as an additional layer of protection between myself and the Ottomans. They're scary!
If this was online game.....one sneaky text (about alliance) from @Organic Potatoes to @Withnail and Europe would fall.
Damn, playing this online would be brutal shit.
Damn, playing this online would be brutal shit.
I'm ready to admit now that I perhaps bit off a little more than I could chew.
Positioning myself against the Ottomans and HRE was arguably not the smartest diplomatic move.
@Phil Jones Face do I have any allies left?
Positioning myself against the Ottomans and HRE was arguably not the smartest diplomatic move.
@Phil Jones Face do I have any allies left?
Honestly, it is brutal online.
I've had many a frustrated evening playing EU2 and EU4 multiplayer. In EU2 days (we must be talking a good 15 years ago now), nimic was the only person I could trust not to backstab me. It was werewolf shit!
I've got another update coming up, then I'll do an updated map with the alliances before we hit the 150 year update.@nimic, you amateur. Back-stabbing is fun. "Go attack France PJF. I will watch your back."Honestly, it is brutal online.
I've had many a frustrated evening playing EU2 and EU4 multiplayer. In EU2 days (we must be talking a good 15 years ago now), nimic was the only person I could trust not to backstab me. It was werewolf shit!
Few hours later ; "Nimic declares war on PJF".