Gaming The Europa Universalis 4 Experiment III

Phil Jones Face

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Welcome back fellow nerds.

It's time to go on another adventure spanning 5 centuries, 2 dozen complaints about how OP the Ottomans are, several world wars before they were even a thing and a handful of big brained Shakesy schemes.


Narrator: a man, most likely Shakesy, laughs heartily to himself. Nobody knows why.



The countries have been randomly allocated to our 18 rulers. These are the results:

Aragon - @RedSky
Austria - @Dr. Dwayne
Bohemia - @Stobzilla
Brandenburg - @hobbers
Burgundy - @PSV
Castille - @The Cat
Denmark - @Andycoleno9
England - @MadDogg
France - @maniak
Hungary - @Shakesy
Mamluks - @WI_Red
Milan - @SilentWitness
Muscovy - @Organic Potatoes
Naples - @nimic
Ottomans - @Withnail
Poland - @P-Nut
Portugal - @harms
Venice - @AnotherLondonManc
Sweden - @KirkDuyt



This is the state of play in Europe on 11th November 1444. You have to squint to see some of the players. Especially those with long names. Hopefully they'll get bigger. Or they might die. Eitherway.










Now, time for some country introductions and an excellent adventure, dudes!

 
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Phil Jones Face

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ARAGON - @RedSky



It is November 1444. King RedSky sits on the throne of Aragon. Aragon has had a meteoric rise on the mediterranean. Having gained independence from Navarre, the Kings of Aragon have assisted in the expulsion of the Moors, added Sardinia, Sicily and the Balearic islands to its territories and more recently secured the homage of Naples via a personal union, which has earnt the enmity of the Duke of Anjou. Where will King RedSky turn his attention next? Further east and beyond the sprawling islands, to the isthmus of Corinth where the Greeks and Byzantines seek refuge from the Ottoman invaders? Or will he glance west, to his blood-brother The Cat?

“Nobody tosses a dwarf!”

Aragon begins the game with Naples as a junior partner.

Aragon has set the Ottomans (Withnail) and Castille (The Cat) as rivals.





AUSTRIA - @Dr. Dwayne





It is November 1444. Emperor Dr. Dwayne sits upon the throne of Austria. Dr. Dwayne has been elected by his fellow electors to hold an office of great importance - the Holy Roman Emperor. He is able to exert great influence over the fragmented central European states that form the HRE. The Emperor is sworn to protect the Imperial territorial integrity and maintain adherence to the one true faith - Catholicism. Situated in the heart of Europe, the Emperor must balance imperial ambitions by ensuring the support of the electors, suppress heresy, reign in the rebellious Italians, quell HRE infighting and halt French/Ottoman advances, while still expanding his own personal fiefdom into Bohemia and Hungary, either diplomatically or militarily.

The Emperor carries the world on his shoulders. Although technically the earth is flat, so it’s easier than it sounds.

Austria begins the game with no relations. Although this is a technicality. Because they’re the Emperor and they do what they want.

Austria has set the Ottomans (Withnail), Venice (AnotherLondonManc) and Bohemia (Stobzilla) as rivals.





BOHEMIA - @Stobzilla




It is November 1444. King Stobzilla sits on the throne of Bohemia. The Kingdom of Bohemia plays a significant role in the political landscape of central Europe, with rich cultural and religious traditions. It is second only to Austria in terms of military prowess within the HRE and is able to influence Imperial affairs as an elector. Its capital Prague is one of the most highly developed cities in Europe and the kingdom also own the Cheb gold mines. Bohemia is also birthplace of Jan Hus and his proto-Protestant teachings of Hussitism. Considered heretical by the Catholic church, King Stobzilla has to tread carefully. He can shun his people and their religious practices, or embrace Hus’ teachings and run the risk of excommunication or worse.

“Yeah, I like you. And I'm feeling so Bohemian like you.”

Bohemia begins the game with Opole and Glogow as vassals. Bohemia is an Elector in the HRE.

Bohemia has set Austria (Dr. Dwayne), Hungary (Shakesy) and Poland (P-Nut) as rivals.




BRANDENBURG - @hobbers




It is November 1444. Prince-Elector hobbers sits upon the throne of Brandenburg. The Prince-Elector holds the unenviable task of expanding his fledgling, swampy backwater of a kingdom into a northern powerhouse. The Prince-Elector must be shrewd and patient, ready to strike when its larger neighbours are vulnerable and distracted. To the north lay the restless Kalmar union of Denmark, Sweden and Norway with its Baltic ambitions. To the south and west are the HRE states, protected by Austria, who will surely attempt to limit its elector rivals' expansion. And to the east? Few can take on the famed Polish winged hussars.

On a scale from “ouch” to “stop, please, I’m begging you, have mercy!”, how bad could it be?

Brandenburg begins the game with no relations. Brandenburg is an Elector in the HRE.

Brandenburg hasn't set anybody interesting as rivals. Meep meep.
 

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BURGUNDY - @PSV



It is November 1444. Duke PSV sits on the throne of Burgundy. Delicately situated between the more powerful kingdoms of France, England and the HRE, the Duchy of Burgundy’s position has long been precarious. Their territories, while wealthy and prosperous, are fragmented and strewn across France/the low countries. The Dukes have had to alternate between a complex series of alliances in order to maintain the balance of power and are not adverse to treachery to further their goals. It was after all, the Burgundians who sold out Jeanne D’Arc to the English. Indeed, Duke PSV’s father, John the Bold, was assassinated barely 25 years ago while parleying with the current French king. It is alleged that this was revenge for John’s supposed involvement in the assassination of the King’s uncle, the Duke of Orleans. Whatever the truth may be, Burgundys realpolitiks works.

“I’m not quite sure how to put this, but…I’m kind of a big deal…I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”

Burgundy begins the game with Nevers as a vassal and Brabant, Flanders and Holland as junior partners.

Burgundy has set England (MadDogg) and Denmark (Andycoleno9) as rivals.




CASTILLE - @The Cat




It is November 1444. King The Cat sits upon the throne of Castille. The Iberian peninsula is now in the final throes of the Reconquista, having previously been largely under the control of various Caliphates emanating out of north Africa for many centuries. The Christian kingdoms of Castile, Aragon, Portugal and Navarre have worked tirelessly to expel the Moors and retake Iberia. All that remains of the Moorish presence on the peninsula is a toehold in the form of the Emirate of Granada. Once that falls, where will King The Cat's gaze turn next? Enviously east to his Aragon kin and their Italian riches? Or what of the west, where whispers from Portugal speak of great landmasses and treasures beyond the seas?

What’s the harm with a little casual inbreeding, anyway? I think the Habsburg jaw has a certain charm..

Castille begins the game with no relations, if you exclude sexual relations with family members. Womp womp.

Castille has set France (maniak) and Aragon (RedSky) as rivals.




DENMARK - @Andycoleno9



It is November 1444. King Andycoleno9 sits upon the throne of the Kalmar Union. The union is an amalgamation of the kingdoms of Norway, Sweden and Denmark, of which the latter is the most powerful and influential of the constituent states. Denmark’s increasing dominance over foreign policy has led to friction within the union. Denmark recently blundered into war with the Hanseatic League by offering unfavourable trading arrangements with the Dutch and imposing tolls on foreign merchants. The war brought hardship to the union, particularly to the trade-dependent Swedes whose ports were blockaded. Defeated, Denmark was forced to cede the Duchy of Schleswig to the League and had to raise taxes, leading to Swedish rebellion and the election of a new king of the union.

Just give me one more chance, baby! I promise, I’m a changed man.

Denmark begins the game with Sweden and Norway as junior partners and Holstein as a vassal.

Denmark as set Burgundy (PSV) and England (MadDogg) as rivals.





ENGLAND - @MadDogg



It is November 1444. King MadDogg sits upon the throne of England. The Hundred Years War between England and France has raged on-and-off for over a century now. Despite early successes on the continent, the English continental domains have been reduced to Normandy and a strip of Gascony. Tired, war weary and with a populace tired of excessive taxation, the English have been forced to the negotiating table. Months earlier, King MadDogg of England and King maniak of France signed a temporary truce, the Treaty of Tours. In exchange for the peace, King MadDogg has offered to marry a minor French princess and secretly offered to hand the English possession of Maine back to France. The treaty is very advantageous to the French and the relinquishment of Maine will likely prove highly unpopular back home once revealed.

Is it peace in our time?

England begins the game with Portugal as an ally.

England has set Denmark (Andycoleno9), Burgundy (PSV) and Aragon (RedSky) as rivals.
 

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FRANCE - @maniak



It is November 1444. King maniak sits upon the throne of France. The Kingdom of France has been decimated by a century of intrigue and infighting, English chevauchee raids, political assassinations and the abandonment of allies. Repeated defeats at the hands of the Welsh longbow and outmanoeuvring by English diplomatic machinations had brought France to its knees. But the prophetic emergence of a young peasant girl – Jeanne D’Arc – and her inspirational victories on the battlefield turned the tide for the beleaguered kingdom. Sold out by the Burgundians, her martyrdom acted as a rallying call for France. Having now secured the allegiance of a patchwork of French ducal fiefdoms and the tacit support of ally-turned-enemy-turned-ally-again Burgundy, King maniak has signed a temporary, albeit advantageous peace with England to buy time and rebuild its armies.

Do not trust Perfidious Albion!

France begins the game with Provence as an ally, Armagnac, Auvergne, Bourbonnais, Foix and Orleans as vassals and it has guaranteed the independence of Scotland.

France has set England (MadDogg) and Castille (The Cat) as rivals.





HUNGARY - @Shakesy



It is November 1444. Regent Shakesy sits by the throne of Hungary. Confusion abounds. For days now, a trickle of beleaguered and dishevelled soldiers have streamed into Pest. This isn’t the triumphant return of Christendoms champions that was promised by the Pope. It is only with the return of John Hunyadi, the Hungarian commander and the remnants of the vanguard that the gravity of the situation hits home. King Wladyslaw III of Hungary and Poland has fallen in battle against the Ottomans. Without an heir, Hunyadi knows that the vultures will soon circle. A flurry of diplomatic activity has begun as messengers are dispatched and race across Europe. The Hungarian Diet will seek to appoint a new King, but who?

Who has the appetite to rule Hungary?

Hungary beings the game with Croatia as a junior partner.

Hungary has set Bohemia (Stobzilla), Poland (P-Nut) and Venice (AnotherLondonManc) as rivals.




MAMLUKS - @WI_Red



It is November 1444. Caliph WI_Red sits upon the throne of the Mamluk Sultanate. Slavery is sewn into the fabric of the Sultanate. Indeed, the original Mamluks were slave-soldiers in the service of the Ayyubid Empire and served as their elite forces. The Ayyubids relied heavily on the Mamluks to maintain their powerbase, until they were themselves supplanted. Weakened by crusading armies and mongol raids, the Mamluk slave-soldiers overthrew their masters and established the Sultanate in Egypt. Now Caliph WI_Red is the master of his own destiny. Luxury goods from India and Persia flow through Alexandria and onto Europe, making the Sultanate incredibly wealthy. To the east, the threat of the Timurid’s looks to have dissipated with the death of the Shah and resulting civil war. With one eye on his burgeoning silk purse, Caliph WI_Red must keep a cautious eye on the Ottoman juggernaut to the north.

“From the heights of the Pyramids, forty centuries look down on us!”

The Mamluks begin the game with Fadl, Syria and Hejaz as vassals and guarantees the independence of Cyprus and Medina.

The Mamluks have set the Ottomans (Withnail) as rivals.




MILAN - @SilentWitness



It is November 1444. Duke SilentWitness sits on the throne of Milan. The young Duchy is not even 50 years old, yet it is ideally situated in the north of Italy. If Duke SilentWitness is able to exploit the ample fertile lands available for development, the Duchy could become a strong regional power. To the south (Genoa) and to the east (Venice) lay the two wealthiest trade ports in the world. Running along the Duchy’s borders are the alps, which provide a formidable defensive barrier and mountain ranges to deter any invader. If bold, Duke SilentWitness can become very rich, very quickly. But a smart Duke is required to fend off French and Austrian intrigue.

Who dares defy the Emperor?

Milan begins the game with no relations.

Milan hasn't set anybody interesting as rivals. Meep meep.
 

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MUSCOVY - @Organic Potatoes



It is November 1444. Grand Prince Organic Potatoes sits upon the throne of Muscovy. The civilised western Europeans might be forgiven to have forgotten and pay little attention to the backward Grand Duchy on the far reaches of Europe. But the Grand Prince Organic Potatoes and his people haven’t forgotten the price they’ve paid, fending off the barbarians hordes from the nomadic plains. The Muscovites have suffered greatly at the hands of the Great Horde, the successor to Genghis Khan and his mongol raiders. Only the defeat of the Horde at the hands of the Timurids has allowed the Muscovites to cast off their shackles of servitude and to refuse to pay their regular tribute. With the Horde severely weakened, the fledgling duchy can look north to the lands of their rival Novgorod and south west to Lithuania to expand.

Who launches invasions of Russia in winter, anyway?

Muscovy begins the game with Pskov, Yaroslavl, Perm, Beloozero and Rostov as vassals.

Muscovy hasn't set anybody interesting as rivals. Meep meep.




NAPLES - @nimic



It is November 1444. King nimic sits on the throne of Naples. Naples has a rich history, falling under Greek, Norman and Byzantine rule at various times. Currently it’s tied to the Kingdom of Aragon through a personal union and is subservient to the Spanish power. Contested for a number of centuries by the Kingdom of Aragon and the Duchy of Anjou, Naples has only recently fallen into Spanish hands. However the Neapolitan people are restless and tire of their affairs being managed by one foreign ruler to the next. King RedSky of Aragon is old and he has not long left in this world. Will RedSky's death result in another changing of the guard for Naples?

“God knows, god knows I want to break free!”

Naples begins the game as a junior partner to Aragon.

Naples isn't able to set anybody as a rival.




OTTOMANS - @Withnail




It is November 1444. Sultan Withnail sits upon the throne of the Ottoman Empire. Mere days ago, Sultan Withnail and the Ottomans were victorious over the Christian crusaders at the Battle of Varna, destroying the combined Polish/Hungarian/Lithuanian/Bohemian/Croatian/Serbian/Teutonic/Bosnian/Papal/Burgundian/Wallachian/Venetian army. Now the fate of the Balkans lies in the balance as the Ottomans horde threatens to cast its shadow over the independent princedoms. Rome’s successor, the Byzantine Empire, has been supplanted. Chipped away at over centuries and having lost the vast majority of its territories to the Anatolian beyliks, the Byzantines find themselves surrounded on all sides by the Ottomans and now only cling onto the great city of Constantinople and some Greek exclaves. Soon the Sultan will rise in the saddle again, the great bombards will be limbered, the janissaries will assemble and the Ottoman battle drum will beat on.

Who will stop the Ottoman hordes?

The Ottomans begin the game guaranteeing the independence of Ragusa.

The Ottomans have set Austria (Dr. Dwayne), the Mamluks (WI_Red) and Aragon (RedSky) as rivals.




POLAND - @P-Nut




It is November 1444. Regent P-Nut stands by the throne of Poland. Mere days ago, disaster struck Christendom and the kingdom of Poland. Leading the combined Christian armies at the Battle of Varna against the Ottomans, King Wladyslaw III of Poland and Hungary ignored the advice of his ally and esteemed commander John Hunyadi who advised caution. Having spotted the Sultan's tent in the distance as the battle raged on all around them, King Wladyslaw III seized the reigns of his steed, thrust his sword in the air and led a rash 500 strong cavalry charge towards the Sultan's camp. It was in vain. The king was cut down by the Sultan’s retinue and his head hacked off. Without their king the allied army panicked and attempted to flee but were cut down by the Ottoman shrieking sipahis. Without an heir, Poland is paralysed.

Who will step forth and lead Poland in their hour of need?

Poland begins the game with Mazovia as a vassal and guarantees the independence of Moldavia.

Poland has set Hungary (Shakesy) and Bohemia (Stobzilla) as rivals.
 

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PORTUGAL - @harms



It is November1444. King harms sits on the throne of Portugal. With the removal of the Moorish presence on Iberia almost complete, King harms can now turn his attention elsewhere. Portugal is one of the leading maritime nations in Europe, possessing an impressive merchant fleet and starts with the 2nd most heavy ships in the game. The advent of the caravel and enthusiastic state sponsorship of exploration has given the Portuguese a head start in the search for quicker overseas trade routes to India and its riches. The recent capture of Cueta from the Sultanate of Morocco has given Portugal an important outpost in north Africa and extensive mapping of the West coast of Africa has begun.

“A whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew…”

Portugal begins the game with England as an ally.

Portugal hasn't set anybody interesting as rivals. Meep meep.



VENICE - @AnotherLondonManc



It is November1444. Serene Doge AnotherLondonManc sits on the throne of Venice. Blessed be the Most Serene Republic of Venice! From humble beginnings to becoming an important regional power, the Levantine riches flow through Venice’s ports and into Doge’s AnotherLondonManc's coffers. For centuries the Republic has played a crucial role in moulding the Mediterranean and has extended its territory down the Adriatic and into the Aegean sea, acquiring trade monopolies and exerting influence. The Republic’s situation is however precarious. Despite possessing one of the finest fleets in the Mediterranean, the threat of the rising Ottoman Empire looms large. It has gained the ire of the Ottomans for bankrolling and transporting crusader armies to fight the heathens. The Doge will need to secure the support of larger powers and incentivise them financially if they hope to hold onto their territories.

Does fate fall on the flip of a coin for the Doge?

Venice begins the game with Naxos as a vassal and guarantees the independence of Albania and the Knights Hospitaller of Rhodes.

Venice has set Austria (Dr. Dwayne) and Hungary (Shakesy) as rivals.
 

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KirkDuyt said:
Ahw did I forget to sign up? I'm a nerd too :(
Click to expand...
There were a few countries left over that weren't assigned a player. I could add you if you want to pick one (though they aren't the strongest!)

  1. Great Horde
  2. Holland
  3. Sweden
  4. Tunis
  5. Novgorod
  6. Papal States
  7. Scotland
 

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Those of you from the last EU4 Experiment might recall that in one of the first major events of the game, Great Shakesy chickened out of a war with PSV and handed over his English possessions to France without a fight. Why? Because tactics Tim.


But not on this occassion! King @maniak demanded his rightful dowry of Maine from King @MadDogg as per the terms of the Treaty of Tours. The English king has refused to hand his wealthy continental possession over, so the French have seized it by force. King MadDogg has reacted by declaring war on the French.



maniak called his Scottish allies into the war. Curiously, MadDogg didn't call in Castille or Portugal to help him (either because they wouldn't support him or because he felt he didn't need to). Although in fairness, The Cat was struggling with rebellions..



MadDogg crushed the Scottish and French fleets in separate naval actions, as you would expect, and sent his army north to ravage the lowlands.







The Scottish had a few minor successes, picking off small English detachments and seizing the Pale. But the English numbers overwhelmed them and they were forced to cede Roxburghshire.




In other news:

  • Andycoleno9 declared war on Novgorod. Organic Potatoes quickly followed suit trying to take the Novgorod spoils.​
  • P-Nut declared war on Wallachia.​
  • WI_Red declared on Anizah​
  • PSV declared war on Provence.​
  • PSV and maniak rivalled each other​
  • hobbers allied P-Nut​
  • harms allied The Cat​
  • MadDogg allied The Cat​
  • PSV allied RedSky​
  • maniak allied Scotland​
  • Dr. Dwayne allied the Pope​
  • MadDogg supported the independence of Sweden from Andycoleno9​
 

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Dr. Dwayne said:
How many electors does he have?
Click to expand...
I wouldn't be too cocky. hobbers and Stobzilla are refusing to vote for you and you're barely ahead of Anhalt for votes right now. ;)



You have shot across the bows of the Italians though!



There could be drama ahead!

Narrator: there probably will not be drama ahead.
 

harms

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Allied with both @MadDogg and @The Cat... there has to be a joke somewhere here.

I wonder where Portugal is going to expand to, assuming that overseas colonies are out of the question. Africa?
 

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Phil Jones Face said:
There were a few countries left over that weren't assigned a player. I could add you if you want to pick one (though they aren't the strongest!)

  1. Great Horde
  2. Holland
  3. Sweden
  4. Tunis
  5. Novgorod
  6. Papal States
  7. Scotland
Click to expand...
Novgorod it is!
 

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A NEW CONTENDER ARRIVES!




SWEDEN - @KirkDuyt



It is November 1444. King KirkDuyt sits upon the throne of Sweden. Over the preceding centuries, the Hanseatic League (a defensive confederation of north German states) has rapidly expanded and dominated the North sea and Baltic sea trade routes. Feeling threatened by this, the previously independent Norwegian, Swedish and Danish kingdoms united under one crown to form the Kalmar Union as a counter balance. More recently however, there has been growing Swedish resentment over costly excursions into northern Germany, Danish dominance and the curtailing of Swedish exports to the continent. This led to the Engelbrekt rebellion and the election of a new king to head the Kalmar union. Despite this concession, the Swedish nobility and peasantry are still restless and discontent with its junior status which falls on deaf Danish ears.

Is it time for Swexit?

Sweden begins the game as a junior partner to Denmark.
 

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While the Franco-English war was still raging on, @KirkDuyt declared his independence from @Andycoleno9. Perhaps overly confident, @MadDogg supported Swedish independence and declared war on Denmark too (as did Scotland, who would now be fighting alongside the English). With 36 ships to France's 20, I guess the King of England didn't fear another Norman invasion. But he still wasn't making any headway into France either. So he sent everything to invade Norway.



In the first major action of the war, the Danish and Swedish fleets saw action and the Danes were narrowly winning until the allied English/Teutonic fleets magically transported behind Andycoleno9, Arya Game of Thrones style, and defeated him.



However, by sailing to the baltics, MadDogg left the English channel wide open. He must have been reading Sun Tzu's The Great Shakesy's "The Art of War" book. maniak sent an expeditionary force to siege down the southern coast. By the time MadDogg brought his fleet back and blockaded the channel, London was under siege.



Andycoleno9 managed to peace out with some gains against Novgorod while the Swedish civil war was ongoing. But with Sweden betraying Denmark, it gives Organic Potatoes free reign over the beleaguered Novgorod republic.



Elsewhere, P-Nut chose a Lithuanian ruler to end the Polish regency after the battle of Varna. This brings Lithuania into a personal union with Poland. He might also have an opportunity to dick on Shakesy in the future.



Which he sort of did a few years later, when Moldavia had the option of choosing between Shakesy or P-Nut as their overlords. They chose P-Nut.





And finally, nimic declared his independence from RedSky. It was bloodless, as RedSky didn't attempt to fight to keep nimic in the fold. Then nimic him as a rival.




In other news:

  • WI_Red seized Adana, which is right on Withnail's border and in his sphere of influence. Shockedpikachuface.
  • Withnail annexed some minor Turkish provinces.
  • RedSky made Navarra a vassal.
  • nimic started supporting the independence of Athens from Byzantium.
 
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