But is surprised when, at precisely that moment, the phone in the Mancunian girl's bag starts ringing. As she stirs, he notices her hair is sitting rather unnaturally on her head. She sits up in bed and rummages through her bag, scratching what is, David notices, a rather bristly chin. Finally she finds her phone. And when she speaks, David us stunned to hear her voice both in person, and through the phone line, simultaneously.
"Hello, this is Ed Woodward," she says.
Panicking; Dave pushes her out of the bed and gets to his feet. He runs towards the old oak dresser and takes a small box out of the top drawer. Turning back, he sees enough in the corner of his eye to know that Ed is rushing towards him with what he assumes is a large cinder block. Without pause for thought, and because of his excellent reflexes, Dave swings around as he opens the box, pulls out the Glock and fires at Ed.
Ed's head splits into several pieces as he drops to the floor with a loud thud, but then there is nothing but silence. Dave stands there for a few seconds and stares at the bloody corpse in the middle of the room. Then he focuses on the large card that he had mistook for a cinder block;
We love you, Dave! Reads the front cover of the card as a little love heart key chain falls out from inside of it. But it's too late. Dave knows that no one at the club will love him for what he's now done. He knows right away that if anyone were to find out that he's killed the only man who can find the club a new National Doorknob Supplier sponsorship then he would be shipped off to Raith Rovers before he could defend his action and cry self defence. The only thing he knows that he can do to keep his place at Manchester United is to get rid of the evidence of what he's done and hope that no one will miss Ed for a few days until he can sort out an alibi.
As he pours the gasoline around his house, he reflects on the mistakes that he has made in his life. He never should have spent time with that bird from Spain, and he should have signed that contract extension with United months ago. He also thinks about the time when he should have got that baby Oleg toy instead of the Sergei one when he found his new car insurance through ComparetheMarket.com, but he's not quite sure how that matters given the current predicament he finds himself in.
As he lights the match and watches the fire engulf his country home, he begins to cry. For he remembers what today is; today is the day that Ed is meant to sit down with the owners of Mr Clucky's Imitation Chicken Paste and hash out a new deal to make them the club's International Imitation Chicken Paste Supplier for 2015 through to 2018. The meeting is in thirty minutes, and there isn't a second to waste. Dave prepares to disguise himself as Ed and attend that meeting...