Have you considered adding some arsenic? And throwing a feast?
Gaming The Europa Universalis 4 Experiment II (sign ups for Experiment III open)
- Thread starter Phil Jones Face
- Start date
Have you considered adding some arsenic? And throwing a feast?
What about a squid ink flavored crust? We could be heroes.
Dr. Dwayne? More like Dr. Pain. Amirite lads?
Hot off the heels of the Russo-Ottoman war, Dan and Lithuania decided they wanted a piece of Dr. Dwayne’s pie.
Fearful of the Polish appetite for war and the filling he had been just given by the Turks, @Dr. Dwayne, hiding in his bakery rolls down the iron shutters and flips around the shop sign: “Bakery closed”
@Dan pounds his fists on the iron shutters. He wants his brekky.
Peeking through the shutters, the cowering Dwayne points to the sign above, then across the street to RedSky’s pizza emporium and mouths: “try their pizzas, they’re very nice” and gestures with a hand-belly rub motion “yum yum!”, he continues. But Dan doesn't ’t take no for an answer and starts violently swinging at the shutters with an axe.
Hereeee's Danny
Having accepted war was now afoot, Dwayne sends urgent summons to his Austrian ally @Crackers, beseeching he send aid fast. But Crackers replies “so sry v busy will tlk soon bye x”.
Dr Evil would be fighting alone vs Dan, @Organic Potatoes and Lithuania.
The first 20 months following the declaration could best be described as a Phoney War - the allies sieged down Moskva and St. Petersburg while the Russian armies rushed back from China. So swift was the Polish advance that by the time the Cossacks had arrived, Dwayne was already -32% warscore and he was at -60% before he felt confident enough to engage. Which he probably wished he didn't.
A Russian counter offensive in Moldavia was briefly successful in diverting the bulk of the Polish/Lithuanian armies south, but it was too little, too late. Russia was swarmed.
The allies did Dwayne dirty in the peace deal, releasing several nations (but interestingly, chose not to release Solius) and has dissected the Russian Empire in two. Dwayne no longer has a land route to his far east provinces. Oof.
Meanwhile in Africa, the hunt for John Connor continued.
Great @Shakesy decided he wanted to put his mettle to the test. He sent over 180k troops to invade @SilentWitness. Facing him(or rather, running from) were 6k Dutch troops.
After quickly capturing SilentWitness' capital and 18 months of chasing his 6k strong army through the Guinnean jungles, they came to terms. Would it finally be over for our Robin Hood folk figure?
No, no it wouldn't. SilentWitness lives on as Great Shakesy's vassal.
In other news:
Hot off the heels of the Russo-Ottoman war, Dan and Lithuania decided they wanted a piece of Dr. Dwayne’s pie.
Fearful of the Polish appetite for war and the filling he had been just given by the Turks, @Dr. Dwayne, hiding in his bakery rolls down the iron shutters and flips around the shop sign: “Bakery closed”
@Dan pounds his fists on the iron shutters. He wants his brekky.
Peeking through the shutters, the cowering Dwayne points to the sign above, then across the street to RedSky’s pizza emporium and mouths: “try their pizzas, they’re very nice” and gestures with a hand-belly rub motion “yum yum!”, he continues. But Dan doesn't ’t take no for an answer and starts violently swinging at the shutters with an axe.
Hereeee's Danny
Having accepted war was now afoot, Dwayne sends urgent summons to his Austrian ally @Crackers, beseeching he send aid fast. But Crackers replies “so sry v busy will tlk soon bye x”.
Dr Evil would be fighting alone vs Dan, @Organic Potatoes and Lithuania.
The first 20 months following the declaration could best be described as a Phoney War - the allies sieged down Moskva and St. Petersburg while the Russian armies rushed back from China. So swift was the Polish advance that by the time the Cossacks had arrived, Dwayne was already -32% warscore and he was at -60% before he felt confident enough to engage. Which he probably wished he didn't.
A Russian counter offensive in Moldavia was briefly successful in diverting the bulk of the Polish/Lithuanian armies south, but it was too little, too late. Russia was swarmed.
The allies did Dwayne dirty in the peace deal, releasing several nations (but interestingly, chose not to release Solius) and has dissected the Russian Empire in two. Dwayne no longer has a land route to his far east provinces. Oof.
Meanwhile in Africa, the hunt for John Connor continued.
Great @Shakesy decided he wanted to put his mettle to the test. He sent over 180k troops to invade @SilentWitness. Facing him(or rather, running from) were 6k Dutch troops.
After quickly capturing SilentWitness' capital and 18 months of chasing his 6k strong army through the Guinnean jungles, they came to terms. Would it finally be over for our Robin Hood folk figure?
No, no it wouldn't. SilentWitness lives on as Great Shakesy's vassal.
In other news:
- altodevil continued doing altodevil things in Africa and India. He has also threatened Crackers, Dan and Dr. Dwayne that if they go to war offensively within the next 18 years, he can declare war on them. Bully.
- PSV annexed the remnants of Switzerland
- Salt Bailly made progress in India and has sizable chunk of south Africa
- Great Shakesy is making gains in west Africa and Papua Guinea
Hi @Shakesy , you can call me Reek.
Great update @Phil Jones Face
My mother taught me not to throw stones at cripples... but my father taught me: aim for their head!
Pizza the Hut?!
Goddammit.
You could easily argue that @hobbers and @maniak got off lightly in their recent war vs @PSV and @Organic Potatoes. No loss of land, no loss of gold and the wargoal Strasbourg still lived on. Looks great on paper, doesn’t it?
Except for one small caveat. Strasbourg still lived. Wait what, I thought you said that was a good thing? Well, it was. But France still wanted Strasbourg. And the truce would be ending in.. *checks watch*.. oh, right about now, actually.
PSV fully annexed Liege early on in the war and begun sieging down Strasbourg with a silly stack of 271k men, while Organic Potatoes had back to back victories in the north.
At this point, I tried locate the Danish armies and spent a good few minutes staring at Utrecht wondering what maniak was doing with his army and why it wasn't moving, before realising it wasn't even him (their flags are too similar ffs)
Realising my error, I quickly panned north, located maniak, asked him for his passport and driving licence, confirmed his identity and could also confirm he was severely fecked. .
To the south, hobbers faired no better. After repeated crushing losses at the hands of the French, he tapped out having to pay significant reparations.
maniak followed suit shortly after, ceding Nordjylland to Westphalia and Strasbourg now ceased to exist. The bloody war cost the French-Venetian allies almost 1 million men for a handul of provinces.
While this was going on, @RedSky begun trying his hand at eugenics. He is trying to create the perfect pizza.
In other news:
Except for one small caveat. Strasbourg still lived. Wait what, I thought you said that was a good thing? Well, it was. But France still wanted Strasbourg. And the truce would be ending in.. *checks watch*.. oh, right about now, actually.
PSV fully annexed Liege early on in the war and begun sieging down Strasbourg with a silly stack of 271k men, while Organic Potatoes had back to back victories in the north.
At this point, I tried locate the Danish armies and spent a good few minutes staring at Utrecht wondering what maniak was doing with his army and why it wasn't moving, before realising it wasn't even him (their flags are too similar ffs)
Realising my error, I quickly panned north, located maniak, asked him for his passport and driving licence, confirmed his identity and could also confirm he was severely fecked. .
To the south, hobbers faired no better. After repeated crushing losses at the hands of the French, he tapped out having to pay significant reparations.
maniak followed suit shortly after, ceding Nordjylland to Westphalia and Strasbourg now ceased to exist. The bloody war cost the French-Venetian allies almost 1 million men for a handul of provinces.
While this was going on, @RedSky begun trying his hand at eugenics. He is trying to create the perfect pizza.
In other news:
- Shun (China) declared war on Dr. Dwayne, whose empire is cut in two. They have 2x his troops.
- Lithuania claimed the throne of Dan.
- Great Shakesy has allied altodevil. Because reasons.
- nimic-Simbo is allied to Salt Bailly and RedSky
- Crackers is allied to RedSky and maniak.
- Nobody is allied to Dr. Dwayne. Womp womp
- Genoa is guaranteeing The Cat independence.
Jesus, someone just put me out of my misery already...
Ok
These are a great read by the way
These animals are going to taste brilliant guys! My new meat feast stuffed crust pizza will feed your armies for days!
I bet they are when you're stomping
Nah thanks, appreciate it.
Yeah, you clearly put a lot of effort into it.
Absolutely, very cool reading.
Little do they know our pain.
I made it easier on myself by being lazy and just posting constant small updates with just one picture. You're taking the effort to put them together and make a story, like some kind of person who tries to do a good job. I fancy doing it the way you're doing it makes it a lot easier for people to following along, as opposed to my scattergun approach.
Though I did learn a few things as I was doing it. In the 7th stats update I finally realized I could just put the game in windowed mode when writing all the stats. Particularly since I was doing number comparisons, so I was alt-tabbing in and out constantly, trying to remember numbers. Live and learn.
Dear Dwayne Diary:
17th November 1717.
Restless night once again. I tossed and turned, unable to sleep, oh my conscience weighs heavy! It was around midnight with a storm brewing outside that the shutters to my bedroom window flew open and an ethereal figure, draped in a flowing white robe flew in. Called itself the Ghost of Solius’ past, crying “Tsar Dwayne, give me back my flat pack furniture!”. I hid under the covers until it went away.
7th June 1681.
Woke to the strange sight of 20 burly men with tape measures and clipboards walking around my bedchamber. Asked the men the meaning of this quarrelsome behaviour and they presented me with a proclamation that I am “now maniak’s bitch” and I have to “do as he says”. Tried present my complaint in person to maniak but he just put his finger to my lips then walked away.
8th June 1681.
Minor clarification: it turns out that I am in fact not “maniak’s bitch”.
12th January 1693.
Minor dispute with the neighbour today. altodevil and his court clown Cheimoon paid a visit. The Sultan strolled around my palatial gardens and complimented me on my horticulture skills, paying particular interest in my arrangement of my tulips and orchids. “I like” he said. I offered to show him how to landscape his own garden. He said no thanks and took mine.
23rd February 1698.
Visited by Dan and Lithuania today, two strange hairy little fellows from across the road. Attempted to barricade myself in the pantry, but they wouldn’t take no for an answer. Enormous appetite, these two. They insisted on rummaging through my stores. Only left after they had devoured the majority of my wares and left half a dozen pizza boxes strewn across the floor. I hadn’t felt so violated in months.
TODAY - 16th May 1713.
A soft rattle of knuckles on the door. I open it.
An Asian looking man stands before me, grinning.
“For fecks sake”.
Shortly after @Dr. Dwayne's defeat at the hands of Dan and Lithuania, things went from Shakesy to worse for the Russian Tsar. His aggressive expansion through Siberia in previous years had drawn the ire of the Chinese kingdoms - in particular the Shun, who happened to be the largest of these. With the Russian empire divided in two and with no direct landroute to the far east, the Shun knew now would be an opportune moment to strike. And strike, they did.
Dwayne was helpless as the Chinese seized the eastern half of his Empire. The passage of Perm was not open to the Russian troops and they looked on helplesly as the Shun troops taunted them from across the border: "CHINA #1".
Unable to fight back, it looked like the Russian empire was going to be dissected once again until Dwayne gained military access through Perm and promptly crushed the Shun armies. Despite outnumbering the Russians almost 2-1, they were no match for their European counterparts and soon surrendered.
On the back of this rare victory, Dwayne decided to set about re-capturing the nations Dan had forced him to release in their last war, starting with the independent kingdom of Finland. With no allies for Finland and only a handful of troops, it looks like the Finns will be a pushover for the Tsar...
DISREGARD ABOVE, DWAYNE IS FECKED.
Elsewhere in Europe, we have reached the Age of Revolutions and revolutionary fervour has taken hold in Denmark. If the revolutionaries take power, @maniak will get strong military buffs at the cost of everybody hating him even more than they currently do.
I'm wondering if @Dr. Dwayne regrets his independence from maniak. Its gone rapidly downhill since nimic-Simbo set him free. For every one step forward he takes, he seems to take two steps back.
Upon the @altodevil declaration of war, Dwayne quickly concluded the Russo-Finish war, which ended in the latters annexation. Brilliant. Can't wait until he loses it again in 5 years time.
He shifted his armies southeast, but they were defeated piecemeal by the Ottomans who boasted two 3 star generals.
Matters were made worse when mid war, Japan decided they wanted to join the bang bus.
Accepting the inevitability of it all, Dr. Evil surrendered to altodevil after only 24 months. Oof.
With the Ottomans out of the picture, Dwayne was free to shift his remaining shellshocked armies west to meet the Japanese threat.
But it went badly. Really badly. Bigly badly.
Soon after, Dr. Dwayne was forced to concede defeat. These Japanese bros were much tougher than the Shun!
I've seperated the peace deal into two images it was that bad. Oof.
Eagle eyed observers will notice that Finland has been annexed and released within the same post. That's right. Dr. Dwayne managed to own them for slightly longer than my prediction of 5 years - by holding them for 6. And we must also now welcome @Solius back into the fold, as he was released by the generous Japanese. They are also guaranteeing his independence.
Well well well, how the turntables... turn.
In other news:
Upon the @altodevil declaration of war, Dwayne quickly concluded the Russo-Finish war, which ended in the latters annexation. Brilliant. Can't wait until he loses it again in 5 years time.
He shifted his armies southeast, but they were defeated piecemeal by the Ottomans who boasted two 3 star generals.
Matters were made worse when mid war, Japan decided they wanted to join the bang bus.
Accepting the inevitability of it all, Dr. Evil surrendered to altodevil after only 24 months. Oof.
With the Ottomans out of the picture, Dwayne was free to shift his remaining shellshocked armies west to meet the Japanese threat.
But it went badly. Really badly. Bigly badly.
Soon after, Dr. Dwayne was forced to concede defeat. These Japanese bros were much tougher than the Shun!
I've seperated the peace deal into two images it was that bad. Oof.
Eagle eyed observers will notice that Finland has been annexed and released within the same post. That's right. Dr. Dwayne managed to own them for slightly longer than my prediction of 5 years - by holding them for 6. And we must also now welcome @Solius back into the fold, as he was released by the generous Japanese. They are also guaranteeing his independence.
Well well well, how the turntables... turn.
In other news:
- RedSky converted to Catholicism
- altodevil broke his alliance with Great Shakesy
- hobbers has allied Dr. Dwayne after the Japanese war.
- maniak is allied to hobbers and Crackers.
- Crackers, RedSky and PSV are attacking the revolutionary HRE states to suppress the revolution.
- Interestingly, despite being first to adopt the revolution and remaining on fire, maniak hasn’t adopted it yet.
- nimic-Simbo are losing in Indonesia.
- altodevil and Salt Bailly are pushing in India.
I'm just delivering them pizza.
DISREGARD @Solius, SRY FOR DISTURBING YOU
RIP SOLIUS
JULY 1724 - JANUARY 1726
GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN
RIP SOLIUS
JULY 1724 - JANUARY 1726
GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN
DISREGARD @Solius, SRY FOR DISTURBING YOU
RIP SOLIUS
JULY 1724 - JANUARY 1726
GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN
Ty for all the work you've put in to this.
So..lius? Who is "solius"?DISREGARD @Solius, SRY FOR DISTURBING YOU
RIP SOLIUS
JULY 1724 - JANUARY 1726
GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN
The Country Formerly Known As Solius
It's fine, we're laying the groundwork for the 7th or 8th generation of experimenters.
I'm pretty sure I'm the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 5th and 8th generations of experimenters all on my own.
I was so happy to see I still got referenced in a post, and then hoped the Japanese could do a Solius for me as well. But well, erm - never mind.
Jesus Christ! It sure is interesting, though.
Rule, Shakesania, Shakesania rules the waves!
Great @Shakesy has claimed naval hegemony by having a fleet of over 500 ships and possessing the most heavy ships in the game. The naval hegemony several, but one crucial buff for colonial nations: -20% liberty desire in subjects. This is especially important for those with vast colonial empires, as it redudes the chance of them rebelling or being coerced into rebellion by foreign powers. We've seen several unsuccessful attempts at powers initiating rebellions in their rivals colonies so far.
Only the military hegemony remains unclaimed now, which requires a standing army of over 1m troops (not including colonial armies). Only altodevil currently has over 1m troops, but he cannot claim more than one hegemon and already has claimed the economic one. The next closest player to claiming it is PSV, who has a standing army of 500k, then nimic-Simbo with 444k.
In central Europe, the revolution is spreading like wildfire. It has now reached the lands of PSV, RedSky and Organic Potatoes. maniak still resists the revolutionaries, but his country is on fire and has frequent rebellions.
@Crackers is fighting the revolutionary states and has so far vassalised Ruppin.
@hobbers suppressed revolutionary Saxe-Lauenburg, vassalised and soon after annexed them.
In Italy, the revolution spread to @Organic Potatoes, who overthrew the Serene Republic and replaced its Doge with Consul Organic Potatoes. Revolutionary Venice immediately cancelled its long standing alliance with France. Seeing an opportunity to gain territory, @RedSky rushed out of his pizza emporium still donning his apron and begun attacking Organic Potatoes with a rolling pin. The Milanese also called in nimic-Simbo and Crackers for shits and giggles.
The war went about as well as you'd expect for the Venetians. RedSky a lot of territory from the war.
And finally, we must end the post on a sombre note. It is with profound sadness that I announce the passing of our Dutch-African player, SilentWitness.
Down the years we have had many fond memories of SilentWitness bravely running away from one danger to the next. But he was unable to escape Great Shakesy's clutches this time. Indeed, I wasn't even aware that Sneakesy Shakesy was annexing him until the pop up popped up. We must say farewell to Sir Robin.
Goodbye, sweet prince @SilentWitness
Great @Shakesy has claimed naval hegemony by having a fleet of over 500 ships and possessing the most heavy ships in the game. The naval hegemony several, but one crucial buff for colonial nations: -20% liberty desire in subjects. This is especially important for those with vast colonial empires, as it redudes the chance of them rebelling or being coerced into rebellion by foreign powers. We've seen several unsuccessful attempts at powers initiating rebellions in their rivals colonies so far.
Only the military hegemony remains unclaimed now, which requires a standing army of over 1m troops (not including colonial armies). Only altodevil currently has over 1m troops, but he cannot claim more than one hegemon and already has claimed the economic one. The next closest player to claiming it is PSV, who has a standing army of 500k, then nimic-Simbo with 444k.
In central Europe, the revolution is spreading like wildfire. It has now reached the lands of PSV, RedSky and Organic Potatoes. maniak still resists the revolutionaries, but his country is on fire and has frequent rebellions.
@Crackers is fighting the revolutionary states and has so far vassalised Ruppin.
@hobbers suppressed revolutionary Saxe-Lauenburg, vassalised and soon after annexed them.
In Italy, the revolution spread to @Organic Potatoes, who overthrew the Serene Republic and replaced its Doge with Consul Organic Potatoes. Revolutionary Venice immediately cancelled its long standing alliance with France. Seeing an opportunity to gain territory, @RedSky rushed out of his pizza emporium still donning his apron and begun attacking Organic Potatoes with a rolling pin. The Milanese also called in nimic-Simbo and Crackers for shits and giggles.
The war went about as well as you'd expect for the Venetians. RedSky a lot of territory from the war.
And finally, we must end the post on a sombre note. It is with profound sadness that I announce the passing of our Dutch-African player, SilentWitness.
Down the years we have had many fond memories of SilentWitness bravely running away from one danger to the next. But he was unable to escape Great Shakesy's clutches this time. Indeed, I wasn't even aware that Sneakesy Shakesy was annexing him until the pop up popped up. We must say farewell to Sir Robin.
Goodbye, sweet prince @SilentWitness
Rule, Shakesania, Shakesania rules the waves!
Great @Shakesy has claimed naval hegemony by having a fleet of over 500 ships and possessing the most heavy ships in the game. The naval hegemony several, but one crucial buff for colonial nations: -20% liberty desire in subjects. This is especially important for those with vast colonial empires, as it redudes the chance of them rebelling or being coerced into rebellion by foreign powers. We've seen several unsuccessful attempts at powers initiating rebellions in their rivals colonies so far.
Only the military hegemony remains unclaimed now, which requires a standing army of over 1m troops (not including colonial armies). Only altodevil currently has over 1m troops, but he cannot claim more than one hegemon and already has claimed the economic one. The next closest player to claiming it is PSV, who has a standing army of 500k, then nimic-Simbo with 444k.
In central Europe, the revolution is spreading like wildfire. It has now reached the lands of PSV, RedSky and Organic Potatoes. maniak still resists the revolutionaries, but his country is on fire and has frequent rebellions.
@Crackers is fighting the revolutionary states and has so far vassalised Ruppin.
@hobbers suppressed revolutionary Saxe-Lauenburg, vassalised and soon after annexed them.
In Italy, the revolution spread to @Organic Potatoes, who overthrew the Serene Republic and replaced its Doge with Consul Organic Potatoes. Revolutionary Venice immediately cancelled its long standing alliance with France. Seeing an opportunity to gain territory, @RedSky rushed out of his pizza emporium still donning his apron and begun attacking Organic Potatoes with a rolling pin. The Milanese also called in nimic-Simbo and Crackers for shits and giggles.
The war went about as well as you'd expect for the Venetians. RedSky a lot of territory from the war.
And finally, we must end the post on a sombre note. It is with profound sadness that I announce the passing of our Dutch-African player, SilentWitness.
Down the years we have had many fond memories of SilentWitness bravely running away from one danger to the next. But he was unable to escape Great Shakesy's clutches this time. Indeed, I wasn't even aware that Sneakesy Shakesy was annexing him until the pop up popped up. We must say farewell to Sir Robin.
Goodbye, sweet prince @SilentWitness
it was time and I’ve made my peace.
My Pizza Empire grows!!! Long like Exquisite Redskys Pizzeria, or ERP for short.
Quick mini post before the 300 year update.
maniak decided to pay off all of Crackers debts, because reasons.
Finland decended into civil war after years of turbulence, being fought over and released twice by Dr. Dwayne.
You'll notice @maniak has changed to a lighter blue hue. Thats because hes formed Scandinavia. Scandinavia as a nation is much stronger than Denmark militarily. It boasts an extra 5% discipline, 20% infantry combat ability, 20% naval morale and 0.5% cavalry fire as national ideas.
maniak then immediately declared war upon Finland, who was still in the throes of its civil war.
maniak quickly annexed Finland, seizing Dr. Dwayne's former stomping ground and he vassalised Karelia.
In the HRE, hobbers was deposed as Emperor. None of the electors liked poor hobbers.
Having prepared for this moment for years, Crackers saunted to the Kaiserpfalz, expecting to regain his old title and for the electors to elect him.
They didn't. Stettin replaces hobbers as Emperor.
nimic-Simbo lost badly in Indonesia to the indigenous tribes, ceding the vast majority of their territory there.
Crackers vassalised Memmingen and Mulhouse.
And finally, the age of Revolutions has passed. I'm betting Organic Potatoes wished he didn't get involved.
In other news:
maniak decided to pay off all of Crackers debts, because reasons.
Finland decended into civil war after years of turbulence, being fought over and released twice by Dr. Dwayne.
You'll notice @maniak has changed to a lighter blue hue. Thats because hes formed Scandinavia. Scandinavia as a nation is much stronger than Denmark militarily. It boasts an extra 5% discipline, 20% infantry combat ability, 20% naval morale and 0.5% cavalry fire as national ideas.
maniak then immediately declared war upon Finland, who was still in the throes of its civil war.
maniak quickly annexed Finland, seizing Dr. Dwayne's former stomping ground and he vassalised Karelia.
In the HRE, hobbers was deposed as Emperor. None of the electors liked poor hobbers.
Having prepared for this moment for years, Crackers saunted to the Kaiserpfalz, expecting to regain his old title and for the electors to elect him.
They didn't. Stettin replaces hobbers as Emperor.
nimic-Simbo lost badly in Indonesia to the indigenous tribes, ceding the vast majority of their territory there.
Crackers vassalised Memmingen and Mulhouse.
And finally, the age of Revolutions has passed. I'm betting Organic Potatoes wished he didn't get involved.
In other news:
- Dan has allied PSV.
- nimic-Simbo are supporting maniak’s north American colonial independence.
- Lithuania claimed the throne of Dan again
- altodevil is warning Dan and Crackers not to go to war with anybody.
- Lithuania is guaranteeing Novgorod independence, limiting Dwayne's routes of expansion.
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